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Demetz

Finishing College; Moving forward

Warning: This blog may contain graphic contact and/or TMI. Read at your own risk.   So this week is my last week of undergraduate school. Papers, exams..... blah. Just so glad to be done with it all.   Saturday I walk the stage, sometime in January I'll have my Bachelor's degree in hand....   From here, I don't know where I'm going to go. I'm still going to apply to the University of Pennsylvania, though I'd rather go to Princeton. I'm going to be applying to a bunch of grad schools actual
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Gavin.... :)

Today started off like many other days... I woke up, looked around, wondered whether I was already late for class, looked at the clock and saw that I was not, and then was faced with the decision of whether to go, or not to go. I went. I'm glad I did, actually. My microeconomics professor had our exams back... I got a 63 out 100 points. Normally this might be something to feel devastated by. However, as the average grade was in the low 30s, a 31 point curve boosed my grade to a 94... which means
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Initial Results: I'm HIV- ; but I'm crying anyway

I'll get the rest of my test results back on Friday. I got the results for my HIV test back today: I'm non-reactive. Now, I'm really wishing I hadn't gone to see Dwayne in September because if I hadn't I wouldn't have had to do what I did next.   I left a tagline on my instant messenger relating that I was HIV -. He came online and asked me what the message meant. The rest of the conversation went like this:     His status is always set to appear offline so I don't know how much of that he
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STD Testing; Sonogram results

So today I went in for a consultation, talked with a doctor about various things concerning safe sex, and talked about the various dieseases they could test for and whether I want each of the tests.   I decided to be tested for them all.   Dwayne if you're reading this, I'm not writing it to hurt you... I don't know what I can or can not believe about what happened between us. I have asked you to tell me... its your decision to do so or not. If you leave me to put the pieces together with pi
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A revealing talk with Dwayne

So, tonight, against my better judgment, I went into what I've avoided doing for a long time. Of all the conversations in my head with Dwayne I knew I didn't want to actually say those things to him. Well, tonight against my better judgment I said some, and his reaction was precisely as I predicted it would be... he really doesn't know how to deal with someone emotionally troubled. Eventually though, after blathering on about my feelings and thoughts I said that I was conflicted, and he remarked
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Abortion: part 2

I would like to clarify that when I posted the previous blog I was highly frustrated for having been chewed out just previously for having an opinion on the issue at all. I have various reasons to be indignant about the events transpiring in that situation, but they're ultimately irrelevant to the issue of abortion and merely relate to the irrationality of the person I was misfortunate enough to speak near.   In spite of that person's protest that as a man I don't have a right to an opinion o
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Apparently I'm an evil sexist man for daring to have an opinion on abortion

I think abortion should be permissible in such cases as where the woman's life is endangered by the pregnancy or when raped. I'm also against elective abortion morally, but unwilling to make it illegal.   I hesitate on the issue of abortion for two reasons: 1) The child is conceived without his or her own consent and is innocent, punishing the child with death for a parent's mistake is cruel. 2) The morning after pill can prevent conception and thus make the question of elective abortion irre
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New beginnings

These past two days have been incredible.   Two days ago, out looking for a new place to live and a job, I meet this woman who wants to pray for me, so I figure why not? It couldn't hurt. Later, while checking out a place for a job, I meet another guy who's looking for a new place, we talk for a few hours and we think we've got a decent business deal worked out to cut down on our costs to find a place to live. He's not gay... he does have a nice body but not all that cute in the face, and kind
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Doctors visit

Okay... so this lump of... whatever the hell it is... it seems to grow and recede and is most prominent when I'm aroused. Guess what I'm NOT when in an office with an 80 year old asian doctor I can barely understand? I could still find the lump, but it was so small the doctor couldn't... an no matter how much he rolled my balls around in his hand or played with my shaft, my arousal level was not budging and the lump was gonna hide indefinitely.   So... doctor couldn't find it to diagnose it a
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Cancer

When I was sixteen, my Grandfather died of cancer to the lungs, liver, and kidneys. On Friday I found out my mom has skin cancer and is undergoing treatment. That night, I realized I have a lump on my right testicle... non painful.   According to what I've been able to find out, there are five things which can cause a non-painful lump. 1) Varicocele - some kind of inflamation of the veins, which is supposed to feel like a bag of worms... which does not fit the description of what I have.  
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Running away with me

So last night I did what I've wanted to do metaphorically in a literal way. I ran. And Ran. And kept right on running. It was pouring rain out. I went anyway. Lightning striking all over the place. Sun set well below the horizon. I kept running. Soaken wet, heart pounding, foot numbing I stopped and walked long enough to so I could feel my foot again and catch my breath, then I ran some more. And ran, and ran. I ran right past the road I was supposed to turn down and didn't realize it for a half
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Sometimes...

I am only your boyfriend some of the time. The rest of the time I am nothing. My voice has no words My mind is without content My heart has no value I exist, as only a broken shadow in your mind. For I am only your boyfriend some of the time.   I look back through my blogs here, public and private... I look back through e-mails, many I never sent... I look back over my life and for so... so long I have been unhappy - in a desperate struggle with my boyfriend to get him to show the love h
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Never making it to shore.

This poem is straight from the heart, very emotional, very metaphorical, and possibly tear jerking. You've been warned.   I was walking across a rope bridge Behind me, my life without you Before me, the day I move in with you Below me, no rivine, nor rushing stream Below me lay a vastly wide river Moving warm and slow To nowhere I'd rather go Than the other side.   You were standing on the other side When I saw you disappear, And a moment of confusion crossed my mind When you retur
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Christian forgiveness

I found myself in a discussion with one of those adamantly believing Christians. Initially I merely expressed somewhat incoherently the failure of religion to support my mom. You see... every few years my mom starts going back to church because she feels she can not cope with life otherwise. For a while she'll feel great having been "forgiven" for her sins. Then she'll feel guilty for not imposing christian "values" upon myself and my brother and for not having consistently imposed them on herse
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Computer Games... my single greatest vice

I can't tell you how many countless times I have played a game on the computer instead of doing something far more important. Usually the something far more important has been studying. I'm strongly considering handing my computer to a roommate and asking him to hide it from me until the semester is over so I won't have the temptation anymore.   I'm taking in five weeks a number of classes that would normally be taken over the course of four months. I should be studying instead of playing game
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Islam and Homosexuality Part 2

I was referred to a video which supposedly justified the sactioned murder of homosexuals by Islamic law. Naturally I was skeptical.   http://islamictube.net/view_video.php?view...dd8fe4e481144d8   My skepticism was well warranted.   I do have to give the man credit for his discussion of the matter of homosexuality's naturalness. Indeed, humans are above the animal world because we have systems of morality and ethics and we can not govern our behavior by the idea that anything animals do is
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General plan for education

On the financial side I'm looking at loans, loans loans.   I'll be taking four courses this summer, and another five in the fall to complete my bachelor's by december.   In January '08 I will start graduate school. I will be completing it as quickly as possible, since I'll be taking out loans to pay for it and live off of. Five courses in the spring, four over the summer, and five more in the fall will have all my coursework finished in one year. Spring of '09 will see me doing my thesis and
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Grad school... a far off dream

... that may forever remain so.   Its not that I couldn't do the coursework, I could. Its not that I can't complete all the prerequisites... I can. Its not that I lack the ambition to try courses actually requiring thought, or that I lack the writing ability to do a master's thesis. I excel at analysis and have no problem writing.   Its that I don't have the funds to sign the check to the school, nor is my credit history sufficient enough to merit borrowing against my soul. I would have to b
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morning

My professor of literature and the occult, Dr Heim, died this past weekend, may he rest in peace. He knows now the truth of what he spent most of his life seeking out.   In the meantime, I have a new professor, with a very different attitude about how to run the class. Dr. Heim had an awesome policy: tardy? what is that? Attendance? -bleh, people come or they don't thats their business and what matters is if they know the material come exam time... which is also their business. My new professo
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Gay candidate for political office?

I have often considered the possibility of running for political office. I know that inevitably any run for office would mean my sexuality would be brought up. Today I saw this comment in response to a question "would you vote for someone who is gay" and it irked me enough that I ended up writing out the rest of this blog entry     Apparently it nowhere crossed his mind that candidate x's gayness may not be an issue by the choice of candidate x.   I happen to be gay, I have a long term rel
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Family de genetics & Roomates by... ugh, they suck

A few things to go over... I'll start with the more depressing so I can leave off on a high note.   Well, I've been out to much of my family for several months now. The only one I can see ever actually accepting me is my dad. With my mother... any time the subject of Silven or the baby comes up I get an icy cold vibe from her. My guess as to why: she's attending a pentecostal church. There is no room in a good pentecostal family for a gay son, much less a gay son's boyfriend and his son - and
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Flight

Last night, some of you may have witnessed me throwing a bit of a temper tantrum and a subsequent pity party. I believe it went something along the lines of "f**kING f**k f**k BANK OF AMERICA THoSE SHITS" followed whimpering as I tried to pull myself together and deal with the situation.   What happened: I had the perfect itinerary and at a cost just meeting my budget. The problem was I did not have enough money actually in the bank at the time, so I had to make a deposit. Unfortunately, they
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Vacation outing

So my mom flew in to Kansas City Missouri to visit her family a few weeks ago. She managed to not tell my grandmother about me being gay and having a boyfriend for the entire trip... almost. This morning they printed off a bunch of the pictures on her camera and among them was one of Silven. My grandmother asked who he was... my mom said he was a friend of mine; she asked how we knew each other, mom said we met over the internet; she asked what we had in common and.. .well... my mom doesn't know
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Escape

Something has crossed my mind rather frequently lately - Gays need to just pack up and go. All of us....   . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .....to Montanna.   Why? -Montanna has one of the lowest populations in the county and IIRC from 8th civics class its the only state in the union with a population low enough that it has fewer representaives than it does senators. If Gay people move to Montanna en masse we could easily grab up those two senate seats and depending on just h
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Yippee!

Yes! I finally got my computer back! *does a happy dance   Okay, so a couple months ago my videocard burnt out. If I had money, it could have been fixed in two days. I didn't have money, so I had to go out and get some... finally got the money and everything all ready, sent it in, and have it back again! I can finally start writing again and of course, I'll be dropping by chat much more often now. I'm officially a part of the community again.   ~Deme
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