Ok so I think today went better than it should have actually. I mean I woulda thought I'd have gotten really hurt and as a result irritable and grumpy, after what happened, but I managed not to. So let's see how shall I tell this story?

I have this really good friend at work, she's one of my best friends and definitely my best "work friend". Well anyway about a year ago she met this guy, and they VERY slowly started dating, and now it's pretty serious. Anyway this is great IMO. See before she met him, while she was really doing ok overall, she's, I think, in a better place now. She'd just gotten out of a bad relationship, and she was having a lot of trouble getting over the guy, plus he was practically stalking her. So anyway this new guy is definitely better for her, regardless of what else can be said. See he's really religious, in fact he's litterally a missionary of sorts. Anyway she was very slow to finally start seeing him, but he seemed like a nice guy, and everytime she asked my opinion I always told her I thought he was a good guy. Of course I could tell early on he was a jealous guy, see his names Kelvin, and my name is Kevin. So apparently she kept accidently calling him "Kevin" and what from what she told me, it always drove him crazy. Anyway I can see why that would make him jealous, and once we actually met we got along fine, so I didn't think there was any problem.

Well quite a few people in her family thought there WAS a problem.....see they're an interacial couple, and while I don't like to use the term, we're right in, what you could call "redneck territory". Especially our home towns (we didn't meet till we both moved, but we're from the same area). Anyway her grandmother even "disownded" her. Add to that the fact that the guy's very conservative nature ticked off all her liberal friends, and the fact that they were spending so much time together (and thus she was spending less time with her other friends) kinda alienated another good portion of her friends, and basically I was one of the only ones she could talk to about him, and be around with him.

Anyway after they'd been dating awhile, she started making some changes. Most of which I think are good changes. She quit smoking and drinking, started exercising more, cut back on caffiene (she's got a heart murmur which it isn't good for), and also started going to church regularly, and getting very involved with her faith. I thought this was great! She's much happier now, and healthier. Well anyway while all this was taking place, I noticed she was less eager to spend time with me, especially alone. No big deal I thought, I figured for one thing they just needed to spend more time together anyway. I'm not one of those people who freaks out when their friends start to seemingly become "joined at the hip" with their S.O. I mean I figure that's perfectly natural, and healthy, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Also I kinda figured there was some jealousy issues there, and I really didn't want to make things worse. So I just backed off a little. Well I could tell we were "drifting apart" a little, and today is when things finally came to a head.

See, it turns out she'd joined this very conservative religous women's group, that does a book study. And the book they're studying is "Every Woman's Battle". Well from what she was telling me this book's very adament about the fact that women shouldn't spend time with the opposite sex. That they should refrain from serious/personal/meaningful conversations with their males friends, and that in general only women could "minister" to other women, and only men can minister to other men. So basically if she's got a problem she's going to another woman, and if a guy comes to her with a problem she'll encourage him to talk to another guy about it. Well basically to be blunt, I think this is all a bunch of nonsense! First of all I think that a diverse group of friends, of both sexes, and of all backgrounds and heritages is only enriching, and good for people. I think it's true that there are some differences between the sexes, but I think the similarities are more significant. I think it's true that it's helpful to talk to someone who can understand what you're going through, because they've been there. I mean I'd like to have a close gay, male friend to talk to about stuff, (probably an important factor in why I'm here). And yeah in general I guess it's helpful to talk to other guys about some stuff. But by and large I think that most people are capable of understanding what other people are going through, especially if they're close with that person, and the person takes the time to tell them. I mean it's all the same human emotions: joy, anger, sadness, fear, hope, excitement, guilt, love. Most people can identify with these and understand that that's what the person is feeling even if they've never felt it themselves because of the exact same situation, and besides that who's going to find someone who's been in the EXACT SAME SITUATION? I mean I even asked "so what if your brother comes to you for something?" and she said "I'd give him Kelvin's number.".....I mean I think that's just silly. Who wouldn't feel more comfortable talking to their sister than their sister's boyfriend. Especially since she and her brother are fairly close, and he doesn't even know Kelvin that well. Anyway she basically made it clear that she wasn't interested in having close friendships with her guy friends anymore. That it just "isn't right" and "too much temptation".

So I guess I should mention I'm not "out" to her, but the thing is there's no point. We actually have a 3rd mutual friend who's gay, and I've been able to tell how she feels about it. She's "okay" with it, in that she isn't going to insult or deride him, and she's willing to be his friend (or at least she was lol), but she just doesn't "get it", she thinks it's morally wrong, and she doesn't understand it in the first place. She also thinks it's some kinda temporary thing which could just instantly go away or something. I mean she even said he was no exception "he's still a guy" she said. I don't really understand her point, he's NOT going to try anything with her, and nor am I for that matter, she'd have to like tie us down and attack us or something, which doesn't seem likely. But I guess in her mind, we may still try something. So anyway the point is there's no use in me sitting her down and trying to explain to her that I really wouldn't be interested in the first place. Besides all that I can't justify trying to do it. I mean first off I don't make judgements about people's lives if they're happy, and they aren't hurting themselves or others. I mean if they're living morally upright lives, and they're happy, it isn't my place to tell them they're wrong, even if I think they are. I mean this obivously isn't a part of my faith, even though broadly we're both Christians, she's obivously got different views. I can't really justify saying they're wrong. Especially since she is happy, and it's working for her. I mean maybe it isn't "wrong" for her.

I DON'T think it's a healthy way for her to handle her relationships with the important guys in her life, I mean I'm assuming that while she's obivously comfortable being alone with Kelvin, she'd probably even encourage him to talk to someone else about his problems. Doesn't seem good to me, but right now they're fine, and who knows, they both share these views, so maybe it'll work for them. I guess all I can do is back off, remain a casual friend, and let her "fight this battle" on her own. It's ashame because I'd have had her back if she'd have let me, but I guess some things you have to do by yourself (or with your same gendered friends). So anyway it hurts, and I'm definitely out one very good, close friend, but it's not my place to stop her if I don't think she's messing up her life (and overall I really don't, she is happier, and in a better place now). And it would just be selfish to try.