I had one of those retro moments today. I was driving home, reached down to grab my lighter to fire up a joint, and bumped my IPOD, jarring it into random mode. This song came on and flooded me with happy heterosexual memories.

This line "Jackie was a rich punk rocker silver spoon and a paper plate" reminded me of a friend of mine. She wasn't named Jackie, but we'll go with that. "Jackie" was beautiful, not in a spiked-heel model kind of way, but in a sexy way: her body moved like the body of a cat, smooth and lithe. No drastic or jerky moves for her, everything was fluid, melodic. She was, from a purely technical standpoint, the best female f**k I ever had.

Deborah was a Catholic girl

she held out till the bitter end

Carla was a different type

she's the one who put it in

Mary was a black girl

I was afraid of a girl like that

Suzen painted pictures

sitting down like a Buddha sat

 

 

Reno was a nameless girl

a geographic memory

Cathy was a Jesus freak

she liked that kind of misery

Vicki had a special way

of turning sex into a song

Kamala, who couldn't sing,

kept the beat and kept it strong

 

 

Zilla was an archetype

the voodoo queen, the queen of wrath

Joan thought men were second best

to masturbating in a bath

Sherry was a feminist

she really had that gift of gab

Kathleen's point of view was this

take whatever you can grab

 

 

Seattle was another girl

who left her mark upon the map

Karen liked to tie me up

and left me hanging by a strap

Jeannie had a nightclub walk

that made grown men feel underage

Mariella, who had a son,

said I must go, but finally stayed

 

 

Gloria, the last taboo

was shattered by her tongue one night

Mimi brought the taboo back

and held it up before the light

Marilyn, who knew no shame,

was never ever satisfied

Julie came and went so fast

she didn't even say goodbye

 

 

Rhonda had a house in Venice

lived on brown rice and cocaine

Patty had a house in Houston

shot cough syrup in her veins

Linda thought her life was empty

filled it up with alcohol

Katherine was much too pretty

she didn't do that shit at all

 

 

Pauline thought that love was simple

turn it on and turn it off

Jean-Marie was complicated

like some French filmmaker's plot

Gina was the perfect lady

always had her stockings straight

Jackie was a rich punk rocker

silver spoon and a paper plate

 

 

Sarah was a modern dancer

lean pristine transparency

Janet wrote bad poetry

in a crazy kind of urgency

Tanya Turkish liked to f**k

while wearing leather biker boots

Brenda's strange obsession

was for certain vegetables and fruit

 

 

Rowena was an artist's daughter

the deeper image shook her up

Dee Dee's mother left her father

took his money and his truck

Debbie Rae had no such problems

perfect Norman Rockwell home

Nina, 16, had a baby

left her parents, lived alone

Bobbi joined a New Wave band

changed her name to Bobbi Sox

Eloise, who played guitar,

sang songs about whales and cops

Terri didn't give a shit

was just a nihilist

Ronnie was much more my style

cause she wrote songs just like this

Jezebel went forty days

drinking nothing but Perrier

Dinah drove her Chevrolet

into the San Francisco Bay

Judy came from Ohio

she's a Scientologist

Amaranta, here's a kiss

I chose you to end this list.