i get very annoyed with living things, its a trend i fall into for no reason. well, maybe because i was drunk last night and did one of those "make moves on your supposed straight friend" but he didn't care, He just said nothing below the waist. As if retard, what happened to all the times you made out with me and all the times we cuddled blah blah blah. I can't touch yo dick? I was pretty plastered, but that is no excuse. i felt i molested him, he said he didn't care etc etc. My ego wasn't really bruised, he is my friend and a long time one at that, so that passed. but lately, despite that brief annoyance, life has been as if walking on glass shards. I do something with the result of being harmed, nothing detrimental mind you. my recovery factor for various mishaps/treachery/betrayal/hatred/vice/sin is remarkable. you could say that i "don't care" which makes it easy to bypass so many things, that sounds selfish i guess. I crave somebody to put me in my place, to control me in some sort of relationship, preferably partially romantic at best, its been to long since i've had a decent worthwhile relationship, especially with somebody who sees through my bullshit. I'm very lazy, or unmotivated, no idea why.

my guilt is estranged though, I must say. Sometimes i feel so guilty. that passes though, everything passes. in time, as they say. But isn't that strange? Things come and go and drift. people, friends, relationships even the seasons. Its been so cold here, maybe that is to lend to my deplorable mood. a part of me feels creative enough to write something, writing is a good conduit of emotion I'd say. I'm doing it now, soon this will ebb away, just gettin the slime off.

i'm always reviewing things in my life. How I am doing, how i deal with people, especially my friends. I'll look at my friends and rip them apart, personally, to see if they are really worth being friends with. is that friendship? i think i'm a good friend, Almost to loyal sometimes. I look back and wonder if they gave enough back as i have given to them, that is were i condemn them. But I am probably wrong Sometimes I feel shame, just in general for people. I see all these evil things, the level of villainy changes obviously. i feel shame for myself, my immense amount of sloth, my tragic hate for the worthless things, i hate trivial matters. I hate when people bring up trivial things, I hate when couples fight over trivial bullshit that will never get them anywhere.

i can't say i feel accomplished. At least not yet. School has been difficult, I am taking 15 units, some can easily do that with their eyes closed. The classes I am taking however have me reading constantly, i'm a supposed english major with a hatred for reading? i've read this semester:

heart of darkness

Jane Eyre

Robinson Crusoe

Huckleberry Finn

Pride and Prejudice

in full mind you and that's just one class, the next various assortment of romantic writings from Hawthorne, Poe, Melville, some titles, Walden, Mary Rowlandson, various speeches, the Federalist Papers etc etc

then from there in another class

Beyond Good and Evil

The Gay Sciences

China Men

Labyrinth of Solitude

Plato's Dialogues

Prometheus Bound

the f**k bro. I mean, i like most of it. But still, that is a ton, not to mention each week. Its rather stressful, thank god for weed. Still, I don't feel very scholarly. I need to leave this state, its becoming arduous, treacherous, dangerous lots of ous ous.

but school aside, I don't know what to do with myself. I've started going to gym again 5 days a week to make up for all the dead time between barely doing homework and caring. i'm a very bitter person, but for what reason?

I can't think of anything "wrong" with my life. as opposed to some people, like my friends dying grandma has to live with him, my other friends are having housing issues they might be evicted, others have more issues with money, some parents are getting a divorce. not to say said friends are suffering, some are away at school, away from the taint. I still cannot think of anything wrong, so where does it justify that i have to be such a cruel person to the world? I have much of what i want, my car works, I have no issues with money, I'm going to school, I don't work, my parents are fine and dandy as my parents. Christmas is almost here.

perhaps its to much introspection, to much self-pity. A logical answer would be to get my junk sucked, or get laid, or both. Something. I haven't even had the libido to touch my penis lately. I just don't careeeeee. i'm an incredibly sexual person, borderline annoying in my opinion, sometimes at least, and right now i'm dry as a desert. No, I can still produce sperm.

Maybe its the season, the cold, gray weather. But shit, I like that weather, its romantic and dark. Cool stuff like that. sometimes I wonder if I'm depressed, but i can't be, It doesn't seem logical to me. I have nothing to be sad about, frankly.

Like I said in the beginning, this feeling of boringness will ebb way. yet it is trendy, which annoys me. writing helps, like this right now. I feel that i must increase my worth, or else the machine will not work because the worthless are not needed and they impede progress. Progress is essential, right now I am just here, Existing. I will return to my usual candor, but for now i'll just be here like a ribbon on a branch. So with that being said, i'm going up to berkley and the City this weekend to get f**ked up and hang out with friends. I need it, or desire it rather. Maybe I'll get good lay. The next blog if i feel to make one will be better, not as dismal ugh.

bye