While I've done my best to be as transparent as I possibly can with all of you. I can't honestly sit here and say that I haven't been lying to myself, because with every alarm that’s to wake me for the beginning of the day, I proclaim: Today will be the day I don't get alcohol, I swear to God, and by all that is good and Holy, I MEAN IT!
Then as my work day comes to a close.... All I want is that one sip, that luscious taste hitting my tongue. The sweet bitter goo going down my throat, and I must say, now that I'm here, I never thought I'd become addicted to this ball of sludge. And really, that's what it is. My father struggled with this, but he'd never care to admit it, but he followed in his own father’s footsteps as well. This has been a generational curse that has consumed at least half of my family. I honestly thought I was stronger than them, that I'd never go down this road to alcoholism.
Over these many months it has robbed me of everything I’ve held so dear, and I have no one to blame but myself. This has, at least in my eyes, taken many things away from me, such as, my ability to write, as I’m sure is blatantly obvious. I’ve also robbed my readership of that consistency as well, and for that I’m ever sorry.
Even as I sit here in this present moment in time, and for once, I didn’t get anything to shove down my throat until it knocks me out for the night. I can honestly say that I still have the urge to have a drink. It’s a constant reminder even when I put up my fists and say, ‘NOT TODAY DAMNIT!’ I wholeheartedly want this cycle to end, truly and honestly.
I know it would be easier to take that drink, I know this. But as this psychological warfare continues, I grow ever weaker. Today, or should I say, another attempt, is my first day without a drink. Yes, I’ve said this many times now, it’s a constant struggle and yet, here I stand again, trying to be transparent and hope that this time, yes this time, will be the last.
I can only hope and pray.
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