This blog is more about BDSM and D/s from my sub, tim and his conversation with a fellow sub molly's, perspective. Many of you know molly and she is the sub belonging to her Sir, Phil.
These two met on GA, when no one they knew were ‘out’ as submissives. For a long time tim wasn’t, he hid this from people but grew tired of hiding. When he opened the Drop in Centre, he asked me for permission to come out, and though I had some reservations, I gave it.
You’ve heard a lot from me and MacGreg also about how we ‘became’ Doms, or how we knew, but we don’t hear from our subs much.
The other day tim lost his self control, he embarrassed and angered me, and also caused Mac to have to speak to him. That type of behavior I cannot just let go, I had to address it, which I did. This was discussed in the previous blog thread.
molly and tim talk … A LOT … and at some point mentioned to Mac they’d been talking. Mac, I understand wondered about the subs perspective. That comment got these two thinking and they asked me, Mac and Phil if they could offer up a recent conversation they’d had.
It takes place after tim had been disciplined by me. To set minds at rest, there’d been no physical discipline other than me removing tim’s collar. Most of it is loss of privileges as tim explained in the previous blog thread.
(The conversation that follows has been edited slightly. These two have their own language!) **Because of health issues, and meds, that tim and molly have, Phil and I are both rather watchful about these two and their eating. Much to their dismay at times! So they talk about food often.
So with all permissions in place, and explanations done, here is a recent Hangouts conversation:
T: You don’t have to (chat) if you're watching something hun
M: Phil Sir is so funny, He ran to the store to get something with Tori and came back with all kinds of healthy things for me to eat
T: oh like what?
M: oh, if i don't do this while watching the movie, i'll be asleep in a heartbeat!
T: still tired?
M: He brought avocados, deli sliced turkey, my favorite sandwich rolls, and some french onion dip and chips
T: oh nice
M: no, not really tired, it just happens when i watch movies
T: oic i'm gonna try to stay up for another hour.. oh man i'm tired
M: well, it should be slow
T: what is slow..LOL besides me lol
M: work, tomorrow
T: oh yes.. maybe.. we'll see … oh! Sir went to the kitchen and put the kettle on.. i said i'll look after that, Sir. He said, "tim, relax, I'm not looking for a Stepford sub. I'm here, I'll do it."
M: He really is something else
T: He is ... He said “Just do as I ask you. But you're not my slave, boy."
M: at this point, i know, it's hard not to jump at every movement and want to do everything
T: He came in from the other room. i know.. i feel like i should do everything …
M: I’m familar with that feeling
T: do you feel that way all the time?
M: there was one time, i made Phil Sir really mad, like, He actually yelled at me. I can’t remember now what privileges i lost at that point i didn’t have many privileges i have now. i just remember the feeling of being on pins and needles for days. No, i don’t feel that way all the time unless i’ve messed something up.
T: wow … i can’t believe Phil sir would yell at you.
M: it hasn’t happened in years. We were still in Colorado and we moved back here when Daughter started 6th grade and she’s a senior now.
T: OIC … don’t think Michael has yelled at me. He doesn’t seem to be a yeller. He usually goes quiet and is kinda scary when He’s upset.
M: Phil Sir doesn’t usually yell either, but i felt very small. i don’t remember why it happened, only how i felt. Never, ever want that feeling again.
T: no … hugs … its not a good place to be
M: no it’s not. And it’s why i want to do everything i can to help you now because i *KNOW*
T: thank you! …. last night when i was so angry, after i said what i did to you, i PMd Mac Sir. While what i said wasn’t directed at Him, it was a rant filled with a lot of swearing. His reply was short and He suggested I talk to Sir about Respect. i wanted to crawl under a rock ….
M: Yeah, a big rock!
T: Yeah … man ….
M: Soooooo… you were talking about making the muesli so you could put it in the fridge
At night for breakfast? Did you get a chance to do that?
T: yes.. i bought ten containers... i'll set them up once a week for us both.
M: oh good!
do you have one for tomorrow (edit: tomorrow was New Year’s Eve Day)
T: yeah 😀
T: i dont have to think about what to eat now…
M: i like that in the morning since i don't like to eat then anyway
if it's a grab and go thing, so much the better
T: yeah you can take it if you want..
M: lol! want? no i'd have to take it
T: you yes.. Me? yes or no..lol
M: still awake? (it was later in the evening)
T: yes.. i was given a nice cup of tea
T: This, Sir making this tea, .. makes me feel like i've been taking Sir for granted in a way.. does that make sense.
M: yes totally
cause here He is doing this seemingly small thing for you
because in this situation, it's like so obvious what He/They do for us
is that what you are feeling?
T: yes and i feel like i've only been halfway here all this time (tim means in our relationship)
M: it's been a year full of growth for you, hasn't it?
T: has it? .. i feel i haven't been reading the same script as Sir ... and now i've been knocked back to start over with this correction. . and this time i want to do it right
M: i really think it has been, you've come out, again, you've knocked down some of the trust walls, wearing short sleeves in public, the special project, the ropes, the piercings
T: yeah i did that .. and there were moments where i felt this closeness during those times... but this correction, this discipline makes me feel i’m really His.. really connected
M: sometimes, it takes something like this to make us see these things
T: yeah you're right. i was starting to see.. to trust Him ... but now, now i really need to trust Him, and hear Him. And removing my collar, He's taken away my security.. He has it
M: tim He's always been "it"
it's hard though sometimes
we want to do it ourselves
T: yes … yes… but i didn’t see it
i've had to do it myself.. to survive
there was only me. well jeff, but he'd sell me out whenever it suited him
M: and we forget, or deny, that They are our strength
i didn't have a jeff, but my mom always compared me to my sister
even as adults
T: i’m glad you didnt have a ‘jeff’
M: mine was a different kind of survival, but survival of the self nonetheless
T: yes.. only circumstances are different.. the mental thing is the same
M: yes it is
so we need to remember that our Sirs, our Doms are in this position because we need, crave, that strength
and at the same time, because we've had to be strong in the past, it can be hard to give it up
(Here molly posted a picture. It's her current avatar. I can't post it here but it says:)
Sometimes a submissive is a STRONG person looking for someone STRONGER.
T: when i was on the street. all i wanted was someone to take me off it.. someone who would really look after me
M: i can totally understand that
T: Michael didn't rescue me.. i did … well being nearly dead did
Sir came later
but He saw something .. and i felt it and i fought it a long time in some ways
but i think...i think i finally get it
M: this life we lead, it is a never ending journey of self discovery
T: i need to remember that
M: and i don't mean to say that life itself isn't also, but i think because we live the way we do, it's just MORE
T: yeah you're right
it is more ... it is real, and amazing, and it's honest
i can be who i am .. and Sir can be who He is
and you can and Phil Sir
M: there can really be no hiding in our lives,
He needs to know if i've had a bad day, so that if He asks me to do something, i'm in the right place emotionally
i think, in other relationships, hiding that shit is easier
T: yeah i guess it would be...
in other relationships i could not be who i am
M: and how utterly miserable men like Phil and John Sir, and Michael Sir would be
T: yeah. They couldn’t really be what they are, at least not fully I don’t think
M: i love being able to talk about this with you
T: me too
T: love you too
i think this is what our Sirs hoped for our sub PM somewhat
M: i'm sure it was, and i'm sorry that it didn't work, it'd be nice to have other voices, but i'm eternally grateful that you reached out in the PM
T: me too
M: what time will you have to be up for work tomorrow?
T: oh i could sleep in until 7am
i get up early for some time alone
M: sorry was distracted by dogs and teens
M: well i'll be bundled off to bed soon, just had one of those big jaw cracking yawns, caused Phil to look at me with a raised eyebrow lol!
T: yeah.. you get some rest
i'll head off too, Sir gave me the arched eyebrow emoji
M: that emoji!
ok we'll both get some rest
T: yeah that..lol
i'll see you tomorrow.. thanks i really needed this
M: it was good for me too
to put it all into words
T: that’s good.. see you tomorrow.. nite nite
M: tomorrow then, rest well
(That was Saturday night.. they are still talking Sunday morning….tim is already at work)
M: hi hope you rested last night and that today at work it's quiet
T: hiya yeah after bawling in Sir's arms i slept great
i hope you did too.. sleep i mean
M: aww hugs
T: He was telling me what was gonna and not gonna happen over the next few weeks.. i was already emotional.. He did have me wake Him so He could drive me into work today.
M: i did sleep pretty good. i saw that He drove you to work
T: He'll get me if He can.. if not He said take an uber "I do not want you out in that cold, tim!"
M: yeah, you don't need to be waiting on a bus in this
so, it was an emotional conversation at bedtime?
T: i was emotional all night really.. and when He started to tell me all the details of His discipline, i couldn’t hold it together, but He just hugged me and said, “you know why.”
Well yes i do. Sigh
M: it's going to be a long couple of weeks
T: yes it is.
and the stuff you and i had been talking about made me feel that way too.. and i was telling Him about that.
M: what did He say?
i hope He didn't think i was meddling
He said He was happy to hear some serious discussion.
He said he was happy that i felt i was on the same page He is. And that i'm finding some meaning during this correction period. He said, its discipline boy, not punishment, I hope you understand the difference.
M: sometimes, in the middle of correction, it is hard to see the difference though isn't it?
T: right now .. i don’t feel like its punishment
i know what i did and i know Sir had to address it. He couldnt just let it go
i know there are consequences
T: i'm not unhappy really.. just missing a few things..
He said, “About your collar, we'll see how things are going and i'll consider things on the 12th of January.”
That's the day before our D/s anniversary celebration.
M: it's nice to have a firm date for a goal!
He knows i want my collar back and especially for then
I can do anything for 12 days
M: yes you can!
So there we have it...one of their typical chats...there are some good points made. I think it shows us they love who they are and how we live. There is no anger in tim about what's happened and molly is prepared to support him. They look for the good, see the why's and they are respectful and interested in discovery. I'm proud of them both.
Questions and observations are always welcome.