I read about what people say about lockdown and this pandemic. I watch my beautiful boy suffer from sadness he doesn't understand. Watch him choke back tears he doesn't know why he's crying. In the dark of night I hold him close when his dreams are bad and when he needs the comfort of my skin.
I listen to people complain about how hard it is. How they want normal back.
I wonder what normal is gonna look like?
I am lucky that I have tim with me. Lucky that I can hold him close an
It's a funny thing, marriage. We go through life together my husband and I. We work, commute, shop, watch TV, cook, eat, shower, make love, laugh, talk and all the other things we do, together each day. Often by rote. Often without a lot of thought.
I care for him during those times he is in the troughs of depression. When he's ill. When he's afraid. During the nights when nightmares of the past haunt him. It's my duty as his partner to be there for him. It isn't a chore, it's a privilege
And I am … weary that is.
There are times I just want peace, selfishly for myself. Fighting tim's depression, mood swings and self-loathing, wears me out, it tires me and breaks my heart. And today when I bent to pick up his ART meds, he no longer wants to take … today I wondered why I continue. That scared me, that question, because never before have I asked it.
Valentine's Day is the worst day of the year, for him and so for me. It brings memories to my sweet husband, things, time
How do you tell someone who can't see themselves, they are worthy … of love … of life?
I see the dark circles under your beautiful brown eyes
And I wonder how I can fix it …
Fix all the wrongs done to you in your life
How can I take that pain from then and now?
You do not see your own strength within you
Life dealt you a bad hand
You lived through pain, and horrors I cannot imagine
I can only promise to be with you
To hold you
I thought I knew what love is.
I thought I knew when I met tim. I thought I knew when he agreed to marry me.
But walking behind him down the street, watching his such-long legs supporting his perfect ass and his black leather jacket sitting just at his sweetly slim hips, made me feel it deeply. This brilliant, sexy, funny, and deeply compassionate man was mine. Then he turned and he smiled at me. It was such a smile, it lit my soul with the brilliance of a thousand suns. I wondered
Like the title says not all things in life work. It's a shame, but it's true.
My desire for our new boyfriend to become more in our little family didn't come to fruition. He decided it wasn't right for him and moved on. I've talked to him, but we'll leave it here for the moment.
All of this was hard on tim. Especially since he'd grown so close to Jim.
tim is willing to continue on this adventure - he has a big heart and wants to make me happy - but we will see.
I am awar
I suppose this piece should have a WARNING … if you are closed minded, cannot deal with things outside your own experience or what you think is 'normal', or believe that relationships with more than two people are wrong. DO NOT READ THIS.
I have never been conventional.
Well, I say that, yet, I wanted to be married. But I also believe you can love more than one. I believe that bringing others into a relationship for friendship and sex is a good thing and that it can work
Today tim shared a motivational poster which said: The older I get the more I understand that it's okay to live a life other's don't understand.
That made me think. While it is true many do not understand our D/s lifestyle, recently, I've found myself questioning it also.
I do not believe D/s will ever be totally gone from us. But I have found that by easing back a little bit, life is more fun and more fulfilling. I have discussed these changes with tim; these lessening of the Rules.
It's been sometime since I wrote anything. Life has been doing its utmost to kick my ass. Well, I have some choice words for that, which I shall refrain from using.
Seems my shoulder issues are tied into my diabetes. My physio, who is a talented and caring woman, has suggested speaking to my doctor about seeing an orthopedic surgeon. Damn it this is not what I was hoping for.
However, my wonderful and talented boy, tim has said, "You don't want to feel like this forever."
I must say I struggled with this one. And I am sorry there is only one. However, here it is and it has been hopefully improved somewhat after a talk with AC. This one is about our last trip to the hospital …
I force you to the hospital
and you won’t recall it
you fight me like a frightened thing
because you are hurting
You, my love are so very strong
yet you are made of glass
the hidden flaws begin to show
Sometimes in the early morning, things just come to you...
In the cold of the morning in the cocoon of our bed
you snuggle closer, seeking my heat and my presence
And I draw you to me, into my embrace, holding you tightly
your sigh is comfort, a whisper to my heart
I know you are happy, and I know you feel safe
I fight my desire to take you, possess you as you sleep
your lithe body, close to me and I draw your scent into my lungs;
the remnants of the lime col
In amongst our little group online there has been a lot more talk of D/s, or BDSM lately. Which I like, since sharing information makes us more real and less something to be stared at and whispered about.
I know it’s come as a surprise to some that I have a good sense of humour and enjoy a good laugh. There is more to each of us than most people think. We are not the porn-style stereotypes people usually imagine us to be. BDSM and D/s are not porn.
But our life, like everyone’s has ser
Okay … so here are some haiku. Six to satisfy the prompt from AC's Zero to Hero Guide.
waxy lily pads
keep the green leaping frogs dry
between awkward jumps
the smiling dog runs
his lolling tongue evidence
of his happiness
puddles line the walk
jumping feet leave small footprints
one of springtime’s games
leaves change colour now
donning coats of red and gold
a glowing far
Oh, writing Tanka, following AC's new Guide.. Here they are good or bad.
Walking through the snow
it squeaks under my black boots;
I tighten my coat
however when I reach you
there's no coolness in your arms
Snow tops the feeder
before I add fresh birdseed;
the brave nuthatch waits
unconcerned about my size;
sure of his heroic heart
I know I’ve said this before; I always wanted a marriage like my parents have. Of course, I knew it wouldn’t be traditional, given the fact I am Gay, but I wanted it all the same.
As I hung with friends, played baseball and hockey, went through school, I came to realize I was often assuming a dominant position, and often asked to lead. It was sort of a natural thing. I ended up in school taking criminology and socio-legal studies, and received my degree. I went on to become a police
The other day, my husband tim told me about a little poetry challenge on GA, offered by @AC Benus He had decided to rewrite his Tanka Poetry prompt.
I decided to 'support my local poet' and offer myself up as a guinea pig. But frankly, I had doubts even though I've written some okay poetry, following the instructions and writing something 'properly' rather worried me.
But, I just had to try.
So I read the prompt.. Tanka's should be personal, emotional, show how t
Been an emotional week around here. tim is going through something, and I can only watch and wait. But words run through my head after he comes to me, needing me. Last night he asked me to just hold him, as he tried to sleep. I did and he did.
But I know him very well. Know his heart and the kind of human being he is. It's why I love him. And why I wrote this:
You tell me you need my arms about you tight
I know there's something, and I whisper tell me
It's been difficult lately for tim, and frustrating for me. Depression is such a hard thing to live with, both for the one that suffers through it and the people around them.
Try as he might, and I am not surprised by it, tim tries to push away the bad things he feels. It is a constant fight for him.
People say he's a man, he should put the past behind him. Move on, fuhgeddaboudit!
he does, a lot, but with his dad's passing, well, I wish the brain had real d
This blog is more about BDSM and D/s from my sub, tim and his conversation with a fellow sub molly's, perspective. Many of you know molly and she is the sub belonging to her Sir, Phil.
These two met on GA, when no one they knew were ‘out’ as submissives. For a long time tim wasn’t, he hid this from people but grew tired of hiding. When he opened the Drop in Centre, he asked me for permission to come out, and though I had some reservations, I gave it.
You’ve heard a lot from me and M
First of all this is no attack on how you or anyone else chooses to live, that is up to each of us to decide. This blog is simply an answer to a few things I read in an article the other day. It called itself an introduction to the BDSM lifestyle. I found much of it offensive, rather like most looks at our lifestyle are.
What did I read?
· That submissives feign their subservience.
· That Dominant tops only act dominant, because we need to be nurturing and loving
Living with mental illness and depression is difficult. Having a partner who suffers, is also challenging, but I will not let him down. I am proud of him and he is worth all my love and effort.
I watch the ghosts of your past
Swamp and overwhelm you
Though I intervene, too often
Their pull is greater than my power
But always I will be your tether
And safety net,
I will not let you fall
We talk often together about our lives, about D/s and what it means to all of us here who have chosen this lifestyle. I say choose, but is it a choice? I could never choose to be submissive, just as tim could not be a Dominant. But as we are, we are two halves, and only together are we whole.
as always, for my sweet boy, I leave you this;
This Dom’s Pledge
As days tumble into years
you are still with me.
A gift, as precious to me as any tr
You are this beautiful creature that has graced my life
A zephyr that blows softly lifting nary a hair
I cannot cage you or keep you from those who love you
Water that runs unfettered through my fingers
You love is like the grains of sand on a long white beach
Quicksilver that flows, cannot be molded or shaped
Your radiance cannot be closeted or hidden
Clouds that skim playfully through the blue above
How can I lock up the wind?
Our lives have slowly changed
Not for the better I’m afraid
I have to be your man again
The one you deserve and desire
So things will change
Of that be sure
You will be mine again, boy
Interesting session with a psychologist who is a counsellor to those of us in BDSM or D/s lifestyle, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Dr. R greeted us both, we sat, and he sat within a small grouping of chairs.
He largely ignored ti
Some of you are angry /disappointed/ or whatever with me. I can understand why.
You read what I’ve written about me and how I feel about tim and you probably laughed and if you are in the know, you have likely said, “Sure you do.”
I do love him, very deeply.
He has certain expectations of me because of our lifestyle, expectations I have been failing in providing. That leads to his unhappiness, and he is less sure of himself, of me, and us.
In the recent past I watched as