gender & sexuality Trans Day of Visibility
I wanted to write something for trans day of visibility. Couldn’t quite figure out what to write. Maybe cause I can’t quite figure out what I am. I keep going back and forth between this joy at being able to be myself and this fear that this isn’t me at all. That I’m making it up. Hardcore impostor syndrome. I don’t have that story. I wasn’t a tomboy growing up. I was a girly girl who liked playing with dolls and dressing up like a princess. I don’t have body dysmorphia. I didn’t always feel like I wasn’t really a girl. Can’t recall ever even thinking about it growing up, one way or the other. Every time I claim this label, every time I call myself trans, in my head or out loud to somebody else, I’m scared that I don’t really have the right to claim it. That I’m playing pretend and I’ve just managed to convince myself that it’s real. That I’m stealing it away from someone else. I’m scared that it’s just a phase, and if it is, I’m scared that that is harmful and detrimental to everyone else in the trans community. I’m terrified. And writing this, I feel like I’m about to cry.
Is it like people said about me when I started calling myself genderqueer? Is it just that I want to be special? Is it some kind of narcissism, or do I just want to be part of things? And what am I really doing, anyway? Wearing a binder and trying to dress like a boy every day while knowing that I could never pass without transitioning medically, which I don’t want to do, or don’t know if I want to do. Am I a boy or do I just wish I were a boy? And is there a difference?
I dunno, this turned into a mess. I’m a mess. But even though I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing or what the fuck I am, I needed to write it anyway. If you made it this far, then thanks. I love you. This community, right here, is my rock.
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