Saturday night at 11:05 PM, I lost my dad to a long and slow battle with dementia. He was relaxed and comfortable when he passed and luckily all 3 of his children were by his side.

I thought I would take some time to tell you about my Dad.

He was born in 1940 to parents that lived in military base housing. His Dad was in the military and luckily never got called overseas to fight in WW2. Luckily Dad never had to move base to base other than once. His early years were in Ottawa and then he moved to Cobourg, ON prior to his teens. He grew up there with his one older sister and four younger brothers. When he was twenty, not seeing much of a future in the small town, he joined the military himself. He was loaded onto a train where he was shipped out to Calgary, AB for basic training. He was in the infantry early on and was trained due to his accuracy, as a marksman. At one point he was also working with Olympic Athletes in biathlon. He did tours in Germany (NATO), Cyprus (UN), Germany (NATO) again (this time with mom coming over and along came me  ). He also did a tour with the UN doing work between Israel and Egypt to keep the peace. The combined UN missions resulted him and all UN peacekeepers in being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1988. We moved back to Calgary and spent the rest of the time there except two years in Cold Lake, AB. Being an Army guy on an Air Force base was too much for him so he retired after twenty years and we moved back to Calgary. 

So, that is a compact biography, but let me tell you about my Dad in my eyes.

One of the earliest memories I have of my Dad is we were out for a drive to Elbow Falls in his beloved Meteor car. I remember sitting on his lap and driving the car. Well at least I remember me driving the car  

Dad was always there though out my childhood, especially when it came to sports. If coaches weren't available at that young age, he would always step forward to coach. Needless to say when my teens hit, I wasn't so appreciative any more. Ungrateful kids  

I didn't realize this at the time, but Dad always worked 2 jobs, one with the military and usually another one at a local garage as a tire buster and other odd jobs. It was all to help ensure us kids (3 of us) always were able to play sports and frankly, keep up with the Jones's. 

Dad was also there for me when just after the age of 4, I went to the hospital for a lengthy stay due to being diagnosed with juvenile diabetes. Dad went to all the classes and listened to doctors and nurses recommendations. Mom was there too, and Dad later admitted this scared him more than anything in his life. Although it took time, Dad eventually learned and helped Mom with my daily injections. Once again, out of his comfort zone.

I have fond memories of going to the Calgary Stampede with Mom and Dad and the sisters and then watching the outdoor Grandstand Show. Dad would take turns putting us up on his shoulders so we could see more on the midway. It was like a carnival ride on it's own. 

Dad and I had some issues in my teens, teen angst and all that . At times we would get in huge arguments about the dumbest of things looking back. I remember one such argument that happened when I was seventeen. After the heated argument at the dinner table Dad stood up suddenly, I thought he was going to hit me, he had never struck me in anger in my life, and to prevent the perceived threat I was able to wrestle his arms to his side and push him back to his seat. Why do I tell you this? It was a monumental moment of my teen years that he realized I was stronger than him, and it was awaking to me that I now had the advantage over him. After that day I never used or mentioned this change in our lives as I probably realized that Dad's age was getting older, and I was getting stronger. I gained more respect for him that day, which is strange to say.

I lived at home for the beginning of University and Dad who had shall we say strong conservative values, always thought that the universities were full of left leaning staff that sole purpose was to change everyone's thinking to the extreme left . We did have some interesting shall we say debates, as I learned history that may have contradicted what he taught me  

Dad lost his long time job after he refused to learn anything about computers, and the place he worked were updating their tills and all the paperwork and work orders/invoices to electronic entry and storage. Dad never learned how to type and it was intimidating to him as I'm sure it was to many in his age group and too daunting of a change. He went out within a couple of days and got another job. This was another thing that rubbed off on me. If you were able to work you went out and worked. Now he doesn't remember anything to do with the pandemic, but I'm sure he would understand the dangers of working at the time and admit it wasn't an absolute rule.

After a few different jobs, he was at the age of thinking of retiring. He was able to and then mom and him moved to Kelowna, BC. I always enjoyed going to BC to visit with Mom and Dad and did it five or six times every year. Also pop up to Calgary when they would visit. We usually had weekly talks once a week by phone.

Way to soon, we lost our mom and his wife of 41 1/2 years  due to ovarian cancer. I learned that for the year that mom was fighting, dad was in immense pain and neglecting his own health to be there for Mom.

This was another major turning point in our lives. Soon after, Dad had to rewrite his will and named me as his Executor and EPOA. Dad then relied on me more and more after this point to help him out with different situations to come up over the years. My visits to Kelowna continued, and our talks were more important to both of us. Dad, still had his faults, he grew up in a age of men looking after certain things and women other. Even to the end, he felt I should be his confidant and wouldn't always open up to my sisters . Neither sister have ever seemed to begrudge him and actually make excuses for his ways, but I always wanted us all to be equal.

About four years ago, he woke up in the night and felt something was wrong. Grabbing his cellphone and calling 911, he was taken to the hospital with a major heart attack. This was maybe the first time I was really scared of losing my dad, and didn't want it to happen. He had quadruple bypass surgery and us kids, with a little less resistance than before, convinced him that he would be better back in Calgary where we all were. 

Getting out of the hospital, I flew him back with me and he slept six months on a day bed in my living room in my 1 bedroom condo  If you are thinking other disagreements cropped up, you would be right .

Finally we got him an apartment in the same building that I moved out of Mom and Dad's place thirty some years ago. He managed to live on his own but little things started popping up. Turning the wrong way down one way roads, driving for hours trying to find someplace. One of the harder conversations we had was discussing him giving up his driver's license before it was yanked from him. Yes, heated debates were had, sisters called to approach him more emotionally than my logical approach and eventually he decided to surrender it back to the government. Funny thing, the biggest reason he was resistant was that he wouldn't have ID. When we went to turn it in, at the same time we got him a government ID card and he was happy again!

On a humourous note, before he gave up the car, I suggested he load up on some stuff that wouldn't go bad from the grocery store. Yesterday when we were packing up, I took the last four rolls of paper towel that he bought over 2 years ago  

We got dad in a community support group for seniors to remain in their homes when he moved out of my place. It was great as twice a week he had a visit with a doctor, physio sessions, games, socialization and other things that made him look forward to going to each week. Late on they provided home care to ensure he was taking his meds twice daily and in general good health. It was also there that they gave us a heads up that he was showing signs of dementia that would not suggest he live alone anymore. Dad found a seniors lodge where he had his own apartment where meals and cleaning were taken care of. He continued with the support programing.

Eventually his dementia was causing other issues, and they were negative, so I will probably skip over them other than to say when a loved one is diagnosed with dementia, you need to start ensuring you have lasting and good memories as you never know who long before it completely removes him/her from your lives . Usually before they pass away. He had to move in a dementia care seniors residence.

Dad moved in last May, and we watched him slide downhill and tried to help over the next fourteen months to help him. With Covid, their was restrictions on who could visit, how often and so forth. This was a struggle for Dad as more and more he didn't know where he was, why we weren't coming to see him and what was going on. In May of this year, since all residents and staff had been double vaccinated, they opened up the visiting a lot and we all got to spend more time with him. Time we all enjoyed, but we still thought we would have him for a long time to come. 

Sadly dementia doesn't like a time line or even a guesstimate. Eleven days ago he took a turn for the worse and for his own and others safety so he had to go to the hospital. After the first night the ER docs were all of the opinion he could go back home that night. Sadly that wasn't the case. We lost dad eight days later that have had doctor's, nurses and others surprised how quickly the trip to his death was.

Rest assured, with the life that Dad was living, he would never had wanted to live that way. Anything we would have done to prolong his life would have been for us kids, and not for him. Although hard to write, it was the best thing and also the right thing to do to let him go. Luckily all three kids had the same attitude. It has helped me with my own personal grieving, as I know that it was the right thing to do, and he can finally rest now in peace. 😢 Also the outpouring of support from family and friends have meant so much.

Now, if you didn't read all of this, no problem  This is just a way that I'm finding is helping me deal with the loss and will help me also in a small way record our history together.

For those that have mothers or fathers still around, give them an extra hug from me if you can  

Steve