Okay, so I havent been that close to my mom for the last year, year and a half for various reasons. First, about a year or more ago, my mom and stepdad had separated, and I was fine with this, because I hated the f**ker's guts and he was just a sick weirdo. Well my mom was thinking about getting back together with him and I'm not trying to be the 'kid who rules my mom's life', it's just that he was a sicko and an asshole...hell he left her in the hospital when she had blood clots in her legs a few years ago, and she was stupid and got back together with him then ...so I wouldnt give her hugs or hardly have anything to do with her when she was seeing him again and I told her if he moved back in and she got back together with him a third time that I would move out and Justin said that they would take me in, had I needed the place to stay. So she finally came to her senses and they got the divorce finalized and we're done with the f**ker.

Then, she's going through menapause right now and it is almost completely unbareable to live with her. I mean she just rants and rants about the most minor things....one of us goes to the bathroom and we forget and leave the light on..."GOD DAMN, SON OF A BITCH!!! f**kING SHUT THE LIGHT OFF!!! ARE YOU PAYING THE f**kING UTILITY BILL!?! YA f**kING WILL BE IF YOU GUYS KEEP LEAVING THE LIGHT ON!!" She does this with like everything! We make a sandwich and havent gotten a chance to put the bread away....she bitches....we go outside and leave the door open like 2 inches...she bitches...I can barely handle it, it's just so stressful living with her. I spend most of my time in my room for that reason, because I'm trying to get away from it all. Then, lots of times she tries to fight with me, and I don't like to fight with her... I mean I dont start fights but if she hits me for no reason, I'm not gonna just stand there and let her hit me and I'll hit her back. And then, like my brother, she has this attitude where she always has to get the last punch in, and so until my brother pulls her away, we keep at it, lol. Then when she 'gets hurt' (I've never really hurt her, maybe made her arm a little red...she's done worse that that to me) under her own fault, she calls up my aunts and uncles and stuff and tell them that I'm abusing her and more or less what a bad kid I am and they believe her. But they also know what a psycho bitch she is most of the time, so I don't know if they believe her 100%.

One of the most prominant reasons why I havent been close with her is because of her gay-bashing remarks and attitude. It hurts me each and every time she says something like "I think it is just disgusting!" or something like it, and I know that I havent told her yet or maybe given her a chance to understand, but this is just showing me how she really feels and I doubt after I DO tell her, someday if EVER, she'll have changed, she'll just be in sense wearing a mask, covering up how she really feels to put on a good show. In fact, I've kinda prepared myself for telling her in my days of becoming further and further away from her, especially after she tells my aunts and stuff 'what a bad kid I am'....one day I told her that I don't care at all what she thinks of me. I honestly feel that way...her opinion of me means nothing to me nowadays. If she wants to think good of me, that's fine, but I wouldn't care at all if she thought I was the most dispicable person in the whole world. And this also will help me if I ever come out to her, because if she still has that gay-bashing, gay-hating attitude, or even an insincere 'supportive' mask, it means nothing to me. The people who I would feel disappointed or let down if they freaked out or had a negative reaction about it would mainly be Justin, my friend Meghan, and a few friends that I met through the musical. I know that I prolly sound like an asshole when I say this, but she's caused me to feel this way.

So the reason I'm complaining and going on and on about this is this...she has a thing with hugs. She wants a hug from me like every night and I find myself subconsciously getting mad at her and pushing her away when she wants a hug from me and deep down, I guess it's because I know she doesnt approve of gays and that pisses me off and so I don't want her giving me a hug. It's not her lack of acceptance that makes me do this, it's how she can be a regular old bitch to me and say shit about gays, if it comes up, one minute, then want a hug from her GAY son, the next. So last few nights she's been coming in here and giving me a half hug and I've been tolerating it, but she had been a bitch last night and I had been thinking about it and she comes in and puts her arm around me and I push her away and got mad at her. Then she being emotional, started in crying and asking me why I do this to her...that everybody needs hugs and shit. I like hugs , just not from her right now. Then she asked me if there was something that she's doing or something that she did that makes me not want to give her hugs and I actually thought about telling her right then and there that I was gay, but I wasnt ready for it and I was mad. So today she told me that I couldnt take her (it's actually in my name thank you very much ) van to work if I didn't tell her what the problem was and she didnt want to let me go without telling her first and it took about 5 minutes for her to comprehend that it's not something that we can talk about in 5 minutes. She hasnt brought it up since this morning and I'm kinda contemplating about telling her. I mean, I'd like to be close to my mom like I used to be, and I guess it WOULD be better to have an accepting mom than a non, even though it doesnt matter to me. But I just don't think I'm ready. I mean, I know a few guys here that are out to there mom already but theyre mom's have open minds, unlike mine, and from what I understood, are supportive. Hell, my mom would probably have a nervous breakdown and then I'd be at fault for her having a heart attack, lol. I dunno guys...another thing is that I kinda wanted to tell the people I'm the closest to first, like Justin, before I told her. And I know Viv's been hounding me to tell Justin that I'm gay so that I can get over him, like has been long needed, but I just don't have it in me, and I would probably break down crying to him I spose . What do you guys think?....

Ronnie