Anyone know that song from the Chicago soundtrack? I love that soundtrack! This one's actually one of my least favourite songs, but the title fits nicely for this entry.

About 4 years ago I was freaking out about moving. Leaving my first apartment, my first "home" away from my family. I didn't want to change the dynamic I had with my roommates. I was freaked out about the new job I was about to start. My new classes...Life in general.

The year before that I clearly remember my two best friends ticking me off when they insisted that I had to live with them in college so they could look after me. They wanted to go to a different university that was nearer to home - and wanted me to go there too. I didn't though. I guess it was nice that they wanted me to stay with them, and it was definitely nice that they wanted to look after me. My whole little "click" in high school always looked after me. I was known for being impractical, flightly, strongly possessed with "book smarts" but lacking in common sense. I didn't know how to do dishes, laundry, cook, clean, remember to fill up my vehicle , or keep track of where I needed to be. I'd never worked before.

I sorta believed them. I was pissed that they'd outright said I couldn't manage on my own in a new city, but it still irritated me that they thought that. So I leaned heavily on my roommates and friends from high school that did go to the same university.

Then a funny thing happened. One day when no one wanted to go to the restaurant I had in mind I decided to go by myself. Next I went shopping on my own. Soon I was undertaking the dishes and even basic cooking without supervision or advice. Eventually I learned how to do laundry and clean. Amazingly I actually realized I had a rather good sense of direction when instead of letting someone else drive me I drove myself (and thus paid attention). Then I *gasp* started working, and it turned out I WASN'T the workplace ditz, instead I quickly found myself in a leadership position.

The next year I decided to live alone. A strange thing had started happening, new people who met me still thought I was a bit quirky/eccentric, but SENSIBLE, responsible even. I became known for being a really GOOD cook and keeping a tidy, well-organized home. I found that many of the things I'd been afraid of - driving, cheesegraters , change in general - were actually...fun and a bit exciting. The next time I moved (to Houston), I didn't dread it, in fact I embraced it. Nevermind that I'd only been there once and I literally didn't know a soul there. I found that it was quite a bit of fun making new friends and learning my way around the new city.

And my old friends back home? The sensible, independent, practical folks (whom I really do love )...well most of them ended up dropping out and/or moving back to our home town. It's all so...traditional. The ones that did graduated without transferring closer to home first (with only a few exceptions) STILL ended up returning to the same area afterwards. They're marrying (often to other people we grew up with/around), having kids, taking over/working in family businesses. They are the next generation of that town.

Me? Not so much. I'm not going back, that much I'm sure of. Oh I'll visit occasionally (lol, though I probably don't get back as often as I should), I'll never live there again though (well I guess you can never say never, but I find it highly unlikely). I don't even plan to ever live in Baton Rouge (where I was quite happy throughout college) again. And Houston? It's slightly possible I'll stay here long-term, but if I had to guess I'd say I'll be here no more than 3 or 4 years. I don't really know where I'll end up...right now I don't even plan to "end up" at all. Being in a completely new environment every half decade or so looks really good at this point in my life.

It's difficult with relationships though. When I realized I'd be leaving Baton Rouge I actively avoided getting in a relationship. Now that I'm here, and I really will be here for the next couple of years at least, it's still tempting to be on my own. I've dated casually since I've been here, been with a couple of guys I could have had a relationship with. They didn't seem quite right though...granted I'm way too picky though.

Things almost developed with the English boy. He was cute, and fun as hell. Too fun though. That is possible. I couldn't have seen being too "serious" with him. Our whole relationship was sorta based on everything being light and fun. Besides he drank a bit more than I'd have liked (even though I tended to match him drink for drink when we were together ). It was fun, but it's something I like 2 or 3 times a month...something he liked nearly every day. And he smoked, ALOT. I'm really anti-smoking. So yeah...wouldn't have worked...still might not be completely over though

There's a good handfull of other guys I'm interested in too. I'm seriously attracted to two of the guys in my apartment complex. I keep getting mixed signals from both though. I'm not even sure they're gay - though it seems like everyone in my life suddenly is. I think I want the one that lives catacorner from me the most. He's so adorable. Sweet as syrup too. And he's a Christian boy (always wears a cross), that's a HUGE turn on for me. Christian boys and punk/emo guys have always been a huge fetish of mine. I think it's because in my experience they tend to be nicer and more emotionally in tuned than "regular" guys, even if they're straight. Blah, that probably won't be a very popular proclivity around here, but I've always had good luck with them personally. Anyway I think this guy really might be gay. He's definitely seemed to be checking me out on more than one occasion. He also looks really good. I mean he seems very aware of his appearance and he dresses well.

My other "neighbour" is pretty cute too. He's also a lot of fun to talk to. I always thought he was straight because he lives with this girl, so naturally I assumed it was a girlfriend or something, but the more I get to know him the less likely that seems.

Also, this is a really "gay" apartment complex and area. We're right outside the "gay center" of Houston. So it just makes everything seem more likely.

There's this cute guy at work I've been having fun talking to too. Now there's quite a few gay people at work (including my two awesome lesbian friends ). It's a very gay friendly place. In fact they DO have a special provision in their policies that specifically provide for protection against descrimination based on sexual orientation. This guy though, while obviously "cool" with gay people (he's gets along great with several of the "obviously gay" people), is a little more difficult to tell about. I even asked my friend Megan (the lesbian that helped me get the job), and she was like "yeah, no one really knows for sure either way".

Finally there's this guy in the GLBT group I joined that's just a huge intellectual turn on. He's completely fluent in Spanish and sign language (and of course English ), and if not completely fluent he's REALLY advanced in Chinease, and moving along quite nicely in Japanese. He's also got a really good sense of humour and a good set of morals/integrity. He recently broke up with his boyfriend of over two years - whom he still cared about and was attracted to - because they other guy started getting into drugs and other destructive behaviour (and couldn't/wouldn't stop). Plus he's a vegetarian (vegetarians and Canadians also sorta make that list of random groups of people I find very attractive). Hehe, anyway I flirted with him all evening Thursday when we were all hanging out.

So yeah as far as guys go there's a bunch I'm interested in and several "possibilities". Here's the sorta depressing thing though: as much as I find the idea of a very serious, very committed, permanent relationship appealing...I don't think I'm ready just yet. Intuitively I hate the idea of something casual and temporary. I hate not knowing who I'll end up with...and yet I'm having a good time with life in general and getting to know all these new people. None of them feel quite right just yet...so I guess I can give myself permission to "play the field" a bit longer.

Also as irritated as I was about having to move (they're tearing down my complex to make it some sort of luxury highrise at the end of May ), the truth is I'm kinda already looking forward to it. I'm also looking forward to finding out if any of these guys really are "Mr. Right". Or perhaps the next guy I meet will be.

And my job? Well that's very temporary. I absolutely love it, but I'm already planning to start looking for something new by February. And school? I actually really can't wait to go back. I'm excited about my life right now, and I'm really having fun. Hopefully eventually I'll find the perfect guy, the perfect place to live, the perfect job, and I'll settle down, do the whole traditional, pickett fence thing like I always wanted. But for now? Well... I just move on.