you can't please everyone all the time, or even most of the time, nor in fact should you really. everyone has different expectations and there is no way you can or should be able to anticipate them all or change your actions beyond whats reasonable, and thats even factoring in that you had good intentions for whatever it is you're indictaing you've done to end up on a shit list. to me you seem just a fine, no, an amazing and decent, human being.

you should live your life for yourself. don't worry yourself sick about things that havent gone right or people you haven't managed to please even with (especially with even) brilliant intentions. this is the number one rule I have learnt this year, and like yourself I feel like I have been through absolute shit and dealt with numerous depressed people and managed to 'think' myself almost into a frenzy (contemplating life etc etc, when trust me its been close to disappearing for those close to me). what I'm trying to say is its not worth it. happieness, contentness, is to me now the most important goal personally. I've have seen what happens to people when they live a life full of expectations, many they've projected onto themselves, and it has nearly detroyed them, made their life miserable. and what for, they've done alot of good with their life, but its not helped them or the others anywhere near as much as the cost. nor will it be able to as the time that person has to 'help others' if thats their goal is rapidly reduced due to the persona destruction its caused early on. so life is short, you have one chance, my aim is not to waste it bu surrounding myself with people who make me feel bad or guilty or stop me from living a life that I can have happiness. its just not worth it. my mum is 51, all her 'good' years are gone, wasted on allowing other things to drag her down (Im not saying she hasnt got real reasons, just the expectations bit etc was a massive part), I have to be determined I don't allow the same to happen to myself for its easy to get bogged down, not when there is a decent alternative. sorry for the bit of a rant. ignore whatever you wish, but I hope not. I hope you feel better soon.

celia

edit to add: Im sure that most of the time those people who make you feel in such a way have no inclination of how they make you feel, and they shouldnt be able to make you feel that way, its not fair, most likely you havent done anything that deserves that. so stop punishing yourself. also your human you cannot be perfect, recovery is an up and down process, you have to be prepared for both. and also understand its 'normal' to feel bad and low at times, its expected even, so again there's no need to beat yourself up so much. its a long way back to the top, but with people around you its definitly possible, they are there to catch up when you fall, and to help push you back up again. but I completely understand how easy it is for me to say that and how hard the road ahead is and can seem especially when it seems neverending. but its worth it, I promise. celia