Oh jeebus guys. Oh jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeebus. Blech!!! I think the fact that I'm incredibly tired and far too caffeinated is definitely contributing to this annoyance, but I've just had a run of annoyances lately and I'm looking for fun to balance it.

Okay, so, worst case scenario:

1.) I lose my job that I've had for barely one week because I got my schedule ALL f**ked up and have missed a shift or two on accident.

2.) I settle for what I think is less than I deserve and end up with a ditzy (in a borderline cute kind of way) bad kisser wanting me for a boyfriend when all I really want from him is to ride him like a sit 'n spin and then say bye. Which is mean.

3.) I get so pissed off at being neglected by friends that I decide to tell them off and then I'm left without friends.

OR

4.) I never get pissed off enough at being neglected by friends that I continue to tolerate it and fade into nonexistence.

5.) I realize I've spread myself a bit too thin and let my grades slip. I need A's. The semester has not even really started yet and I already feel a little out of control.

6.) I keep succumbing to the idiotic fancies that take me, never taking into account the needs and concerns of others, much less the fact that I know I should feel guilty for some of the things I do.

7.) I spend a good portion of the thousand bucks (which I really need...) on drugs because I feel out of control and thus don't care that I'm spending it on drugs.

8.) My new piercings get infected and I'm left with a deformed face.

9.) I have HIV. It's my new phobia. Every time I feel like I have a fever or I realize I'm tired when I don't think I should be, I immediately go "I HAVE AIDS!" in my head. It's impossible. Since the last time I had sex, which was protected sex, I donated blood. They sent me a card and called asking for more. They would've told me if I had it.

10.) I realize that I've lost focus and I've forgotten what my goals are, and return to the nihilistic existence following the post-roommate fiasco.

So, I know that's all INCREDIBLY dramatic, but I'm on one of my worrying kicks. Basically the thing with the job is that I work late night shifts, and I totally f**ked up the fact that 12:00 AM Sunday really means SATURDAY at MIDNIGHT. The woman that hired me said that I could start working the night she hired me. It was a Thursday, and I had McCarty from 12:00-6:00 AM. On Friday, I had nothing. Thus, I assumed that she meant it as just THURSDAY NIGHT... get me? I was wrong I think, I'm waiting on a reply, and I'll beg forgiveness and plead idiocy if need be. I've only missed like one shift though, so I think it'll be okay. Also, I think I'm working the wrong one right now. I don't care though because I already signed the book and I'm getting credit no matter what, lol. So f**K it.

There's this guy, Zach. He's nice (NOT THE OLD ZACH!!! Who, btw, I saw in the library and shocked myself by being congenial), but I must say that the boy is not the sharpest tack in the bulletin board. Sometimes I'll say things and he'll just be a little lost until I explain a bit more. Also, sometimes he says things that are absolutely obvious to me, things that don't even warrant being spoken aloud. He's a cute boy, and he's a sweet guy, so I could deal with the not-so-bright thing. Obviously, being a little less intelligent isn't so bad if the person is genuine and caring. However, he's an AWFUL kisser. Like terrible! Oh my god I just... uggh! STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY TONSILS! What is it with boys and kissing like they're trying to score a goddamn goal? LIPS, boys, lead with the lips! No more than a third of your tongue should EVER be in my mouth! It makes it wet and icky and dude, tongue wrestling is so not my thing. So... I'm trying to decide if I want to keep allowing this exchange to continue, or if I should just tell him now that it won't happen. Right now, there's no magic. There's no sparks, there's not much of anything other than he kind of makes me feel good because he's attracted to me, and to me that's very user-like of me. I will give him credit for the fact that he knows exactly how to rub the exact spot on my lower back to make me shiver, though. At the moment, though, I'm just not sure exactly how to handle this. Oh, another disturbing thing, he claims that he actually likes my squishy parts (my tummy). Um, NO. I'm fat-phobic, and that motivates me even more to go back to no-carb, low-fat, some-protein, living-off-multivitamins-and-diet-energy-drinks mode. Also makes me SERIOUSLY wanna get in the gym and work on my abs, and I fully intend to buy DDR sometime very soon so that I can do fun cardio excercise in my room. Blaaaaaah, it's so annoying to be liked by people you don't like, and completely f**king ignored by the ones you do like!!!!!!

Paul is nonexistent in my life now. Since Annie's got a house now that she's sharing with Claire, it's become the spot for him to be. Which is great, except now he's spending all of his time there. I miss my best friend, even if he is a low-down, two-timing, closet-druggie skeezeball of a guy. He's MY low-down, two-timing, closet-druggie skeezeball of a guy, and I lubs him for it. He offers reassurance and confidence, and I get to watch his masterful manipulations. I just don't like the fact that I have no leverage now; he no longer needs a shadow/cohort because school's back in full swing. I've been spending a lot of time with my friend Marti, who is surprisingly like me on the virtuous front. We both have strong feelings about the proper way to treat other people, ways that Paul and Annie both have a way of deviating from.

I have random urges all the time. Not really random, because they're triggered, but still... it's getting kind of difficult to warrant why I'm not just following those urges. Why am I resisting? Why am I trying to build this acceptable image of Jamie? For instance, why don't I just get Paul geeked and then sex him and never tell a soul, just because it would satisfy the exotic idea of me having power over him in a big way? Why don't I just go ahead and lead Zach on, f**K him silly, and then move on? Why don't I go ahead and do whatever the hell I want whenever I want? It's getting convoluted in my head, and I need to do some serious structuring of my thoughts to avoid disaster.

I've been sober for a long time, guys. I'm not counting pot or alcohol. I don't like pot. Alcohol is fun, but it's just not what I want. I have this overwhelming CRAVING for good old-fashioned hard drugs. I'm being careful to avoid anyone who might offer me a hookup because at this point I know that if someone could sell me something, I'd take them up on the offer in a heartbeat. I have no willpower, so the best thing to do is to make sure that I have no way to procure what I want but don't need. Drugs are one sure way to absolutely ruin my collegiate career, and fail at life miserably.

I got my lip and eyebrow pierced! I think they're PRETTY! I have a stud in the lip right now and I want a ring, but I have to wait for it to heal first so the swelling is totally gone and I can switch out to the right sized ring. The eyebrow is KICKASS. I'm loving it. It doesn't hurt at all now, and I just got it pierced way earlier today. I got 'em both done at the same time. Also, never make out with a fresh oral piercing. Guys, it's just not a good idea, trust me on it.

I'm getting phobic as hell. I'm inventing more and more idiotic fears that I know are rationally idiotic but there's like this gut instinct that's a bitch to overcome. The general fear and sense of directionlessness of life is getting annoyingly overwhelming. I have the resolution for that, though, and I intend to implement it majorly. Acting. The more I act like I'm completely unafraid and I know exactly what I'm doing, the more I start to believe it. As long as I make an honest attempt to totally convince myself that I'm in control, it's fairly easy to keep myself in check. When I start letting things slip, though, even little things, I start freaking out. I start thinking about them over and over and over until I'm crazy. It's just not cool.

Roomie... ah, to think that I'd come so close to completely erasing his existence. I was SO close, guys. Then out of nowhere, I got dragged back into a world where he exists. Well, this time, I'm not settling for what I'm given. I'm making my own terms. I'm not going to let anyone else interfere with my life, and the fact that I can't completely erase him isn't going to faze me a bit. f**K him. He doesn't have anything I want, he ain't shit, and I don't need anything from him to affirm myself. If anything, being around him reinforces these notions of independence. I'm over it.

Okay, so things aren't going badly. I'm just readjusting to having strain and stress in life. I'm okay, and I can handle all of it. I can handle all of it far better than most other people can. I'm capable, and adaptive. I talk to myself self-help book style. Isn't that lame? f**K you, I'm cool. So there. I'm getting a new computer, so I'm crazy happy about that, and I'll be okay. Everything's panning out, it's just that I need to learn to not sweat the small things, and to not feel bad about telling people no sometimes. I'm just peachy, guys, and really... I'm happier than I can ever remember being.

I think that counts for something.