Coming out

[GaryKelly]

I read a blog today on/in which a bloke says he's not prepared to out himself, neither as an author nor an individual. I suppose a decision like that depends on what one has to lose by revealing one's identity to THE WHOLE BLOODY WORLD. :king: I felt like that when I first started writing stories involving gay erotica. "Jeez, you describe sex well!" Yeah, well, I have quite a fertile imagination. The back of a postage stamp is more than adequate to record my entire sex life (not counting the wanks). Fact is, I don't relate to people on a physical level... it scares the hell outta me. Anyway, I got over the secret identity paranoia and now wonder what the hell I was worried about in the first place! I used to visualize a hoard of riot police smashing the front door and invading the joint. "Ooer! Visitors! Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" Nope, I is worried not...ya git what ya git. I don't prance down the road dressed in stilletos and feather bower (at least not on Wednesdays) but, by the same token, I refuse to be someone I'm not OR to be ashamed of who I am. Ya know, the main reason people are reluctant to be honest about themselves is fear of rejection and criticism. But ya know something else? Those who don't reject you or criticise you become the best friends you ever had. And it's worth the 'perceived' risk. Think it over, dear Breth.

[Thirdeye]

I spent 10 years hiding how I felt, hating myself and dreaming about not waking up. Then I just couldn't take it anymore and told my Brother I was gay. He was shocked but really took it well, so well I thought he was just not believing it. Really he is just that awesome, next I told my mom and she again was fine with it. Yet I still kept it from my dad, who I was scared as hell to tell. I waited pretty much to the last minute to tell my dad and when I did his response was "You know, I thought so". I felt kind of stupid for not trusting these people, and wasting so much time. Theres a big difference when you finally realize that there is nothing keeping you from being yourself.

[Demetz]

While its nice to think that those who have cared for you won't turn their backs on you because of your sexuality, and it certainly is something to celebrate when fears turn out to be for nothing, it is important to remember that there are many who have very good reason to fear how those closest to them will react. Teenagers, for instance, are largely dependent on their parents for their financial support, and beyond that are subject to their parents general will. If the parents decide to make the teenager's life into a perpetual hell, then the teenager has no resort but to endure that maltreatment. I love to hear about coming out stories where it turns out all the worry was for nothing, but I also hate it when I hear about some poor kid whose family rejects them and their life takes a major turn for the worse as a result. When it comes to coming out, if there is uncertainty as to how the family will react, I advise to wait until you're able to support yourself. Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst.

 

Now... as far as coming out to oneself, I'm all for that, its quite a liberating experience

[Thirdeye]

While its nice to think that those who have cared for you won't turn their backs on you because of your sexuality, and it certainly is something to celebrate when fears turn out to be for nothing, it is important to remember that there are many who have very good reason to fear how those closest to them will react. Teenagers, for instance, are largely dependent on their parents for their financial support, and beyond that are subject to their parents general will. If the parents decide to make the teenager's life into a perpetual hell, then the teenager has no resort but to endure that maltreatment. I love to hear about coming out stories where it turns out all the worry was for nothing, but I also hate it when I hear about some poor kid whose family rejects them and their life takes a major turn for the worse as a result. When it comes to coming out, if there is uncertainty as to how the family will react, I advise to wait until you're able to support yourself. Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst.

 

 

Believe me, i'm not trying to make light of other peoples situations. If I wasn't aware of what could go wrong I would have told my Parents when I was 12

[Demetz]

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply you were making light of the subject.

[TalonRider]

I know of a young man from another site who came out to his mother. Parental controls went into effect on his computer as she didn't want him to associate with those perverts, at least until he's 18 so he's got a couple of years to go before he can get to these sites. He was also writing a story at the time. We do chat from time to time.

 

Thirdeye, if i remember correctly, didn't you tell your dad just before you moved in with Jacob?

 

Jan

[Thirdeye]

Thirdeye, if i remember correctly, didn't you tell your dad just before you moved in with Jacob?

 

Jan

 

 

Yes, and thats the only reason I told him. I was scared out of my mind and no one, including my mom or brothers knew how he was going to react. But he took it well and is still very supportive. Hell both my parents took it a lot harder when I told them I was a democrate then when I told them I was gay.

 

Last week my car broke down in Tampa and my dad came up to help me out. On the car ride back to his house we got talking and he was asking me a bunch of questions of why I didn't say anything earlier, how hard it must have been. It really made me proud. That being said I knew im lucky and no one reacts the same way.

Edited May 27, 2007 by Thirdeye

[rknapp]

While its nice to think that those who have cared for you won't turn their backs on you because of your sexuality, and it certainly is something to celebrate when fears turn out to be for nothing, it is important to remember that there are many who have very good reason to fear how those closest to them will react. Teenagers, for instance, are largely dependent on their parents for their financial support, and beyond that are subject to their parents general will. If the parents decide to make the teenager's life into a perpetual hell, then the teenager has no resort but to endure that maltreatment. I love to hear about coming out stories where it turns out all the worry was for nothing, but I also hate it when I hear about some poor kid whose family rejects them and their life takes a major turn for the worse as a result. When it comes to coming out, if there is uncertainty as to how the family will react, I advise to wait until you're able to support yourself. Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst.

 

Now... as far as coming out to oneself, I'm all for that, its quite a liberating experience

Your last comment is the most important thing to consider when coming out. After all, if you are not out to yourself then you have no business getting your friends and family worked up by coming out to them. I honestly am starting to think that I truly am not out to myself, despite knowing full well that I am not straight. When I got to the age where most boys start noticing girls (some notice other boys) I knew from the get go that I wasn't straight... known it since I was at least 8. I assumed that I was bi, because I could not possibly fathom spending the rest of my life with another man. I realized later in life that I drew that conclusion with my family's wants in mind, and not my own... which has led me to the new conclusion that I don't a damn thing about what I want. To be be truthful, I never wrestled with myself over my sexuality until I came to GA and talked about it, and got the idea in my head that I might be gay instead of bi. I suppose I just was comfortable with the idea of bi-sexuality since it left open the option of spending my life with a woman. I now have other fears that I won't bore you all with. Let's just say that coming out to oneself is not as "liberating" as you might think...

 

That's one major reason why I have held off on cluing my sister in (who is a gay rights supporter and helped start the GSA at our high school). I don't want to be responsible for any amount of anguish when I can't even so much as explain myself. The second reason is purely financial since I do not know precisely how my parents feel about the subject. I've heard the word "fag" exit my dads mouth once in my lifetime, and that was in a joking manner. It was in reference to interior decorating or something like that... Worst case scenario is that I would be cut off from school funds, which would be disastrous since I would not be able to get financial aid due to his high income. If you've seen QAF, then it would be a lot like the scenario that the character Justin faced. Except I have no high income ad exec boyfriend.

 

I think the only thing I can do to talk to someone is to maybe get into contact with my old high school counselor. I'm positive that she would have nothing negative to say since she had rainbow buttons and stickers and such. If she did, then all I have to do is never return to that school, which isn't hard lol.

[Guest raz]

Your last comment is the most important thing to consider when coming out. After all, if you are not out to yourself then you have no business getting your friends and family worked up by coming out to them. I honestly am starting to think that I truly am not out to myself, despite knowing full well that I am not straight. When I got to the age where most boys start noticing girls (some notice other boys) I knew from the get go that I wasn't straight... known it since I was at least 8. I assumed that I was bi, because I could not possibly fathom spending the rest of my life with another man. I realized later in life that I drew that conclusion with my family's wants in mind, and not my own... which has led me to the new conclusion that I don't a damn thing about what I want. To be be truthful, I never wrestled with myself over my sexuality until I came to GA and talked about it, and got the idea in my head that I might be gay instead of bi. I suppose I just was comfortable with the idea of bi-sexuality since it left open the option of spending my life with a woman. I now have other fears that I won't bore you all with. Let's just say that coming out to oneself is not as "liberating" as you might think...

 

That's one major reason why I have held off on cluing my sister in (who is a gay rights supporter and helped start the GSA at our high school). I don't want to be responsible for any amount of anguish when I can't even so much as explain myself. The second reason is purely financial since I do not know precisely how my parents feel about the subject. I've heard the word "fag" exit my dads mouth once in my lifetime, and that was in a joking manner. It was in reference to interior decorating or something like that... Worst case scenario is that I would be cut off from school funds, which would be disastrous since I would not be able to get financial aid due to his high income. If you've seen QAF, then it would be a lot like the scenario that the character Justin faced. Except I have no high income ad exec boyfriend.

 

I think the only thing I can do to talk to someone is to maybe get into contact with my old high school counselor. I'm positive that she would have nothing negative to say since she had rainbow buttons and stickers and such. If she did, then all I have to do is never return to that school, which isn't hard lol.

 

That's actually really interesting to me, since I went through a similar thing. I first was "bisexual" when i came out, and then I just all out said I was gay. My mom had made homophobic comments every now and then when I was little, which I remembered. The difference though is that I always knew I was gay, so when I told everyone I wasn't worried about not knowing if I was being truthful or not. For me, it was really helpful to tell people who were supportive and liberal. They made me feel really comfortable with myself, and kind of built me up to reach the point where I realized that there was nothing wrong with me and that I had nothing to apologize for. When I told my mom, I thought she was going to blow up and disown me or something, but her reaction was quite lackluster. It just became a topic that we didn't talk about. (thankfully, she still pays for my college tuition ;] )

 

I was lucky in that it didn't really affect me. I'm not trying to belittle your situation though, since no two situations are the same. It's pretty much just up to you and when you feel comfortable and in a position where you feel like you could fall back from the worst case scenerio and be fine.

[Adrian Michaels]

Coming out was seriously one of the most terrifying moments of my entire life. The people I told were my good friend, but you never really know for sure how someone is going to react. You have a general idea, and a lot of the time people surprise you for the better. I've been lucky so far and haven't had a bad experience with someone I've told.

 

However, there's the whole thing with my parents. (Which I talked about in the other coming out post.... you should look it up if you're interested. My longest post EVER!!) I think what I regret most about the whole thing was that I was unable to tell them. I didn't have any power in the situation, and that left me in somewhat of a bad spot. While we may be over it for the most part, I still have difficulty with my parents from time to time. We haven't talked about anything since the one encounter, but my mother still drops hints. Like about girls that she thinks like me. Or she'll talk about the grandchildren that she wants me to have. My father on the other hand would probably take my belief in global warming harder than my sexual orientation.

 

Ah well, I'm old enough to understand that while I would love their full support, I'll have it someday. My parents act this way because they're worried, and they have a right to be. They grew up with the sigmas that were both frightening and sadly true. I guess I'll just have to prove them that I don't follow the old stereotypes. Then everything will be alright.

[rknapp]

Raz and Adrian: More power to you!

[Adrian Michaels]

Well, its definately a weight off my shoulders, being able to come clean... but I guess I still have a ways to go. There are family members that I still haven't told, but word gets around, and I'm probably pretty naive to thing that they haven't figured it out already. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

 

A friend of mine from childhood just came out to his family this weekend. I found out about it later. I'm so very proud of him and how well he handled the situation. It kinda makes me wish I could go back and redo some things.

[Graeme]

Your last comment is the most important thing to consider when coming out. After all, if you are not out to yourself then you have no business getting your friends and family worked up by coming out to them. I honestly am starting to think that I truly am not out to myself, despite knowing full well that I am not straight.

I've known I'm not straight since I was about ten. I've known I'm gay since that time, even if I didn't have a word for it. I still wasn't out to myself, though, until I was forty. I didn't accept that I'm gay until then. I knew it, but I didn't accept it, and until I accepted it, I wasn't really out to myself. It's a very important point that rknapp's raised. Until you've accepted your own sexuality, there is little point in making a statement to others.

[MMandM]

I came out three years ago at the age of 30. At some point I always knew just didn

[Morganx]

I just consider myself a late bloomer.

 

You must be a fast learner

[Bondwriter]

You must be a fast learner

I'd be tempted to go for the "Get a room, you two!" line, but:

1/ Someone used it already.

2/ I've got a feeling you didn't need the advice.