If your significant other wanted to change sex

[scoopny]

You mean for example if I were dating a gay guy and he realized he was transgendered and went through the process of becoming a woman, and then realized that she was still homosexual and thus a lesbian interested in dating other women?

 

I guess that's plausible, but it's not my understanding of how it works. I've personally known four transexual people fairly well, three of whom who have already for the most part undergone the switch and one who is still in the process, and each was attracted (or certain that they would be attracted) to same gender before and after, regardless of 'sexuality' before the transition.

 

To me it seems more like regardless of your gender you're either attracted to males or females (or both) and altering your physical gender should be independent of that. At least that's how I see it.

 

Oh no my very good friend was a gay guy in college and is now a lesbian, it's not rare at all. Some people remain gay, even when they change their gender. It's much more common than you think. Sexuality and gender are a wonderfully complex entities. I wouldn't assume someone's sexual orientation will change just because their gender changes.

Edited April 10, 2008 by scoopny

[AFriendlyFace]

Oh no my very good friend was a gay guy in college and is now a lesbian, it's not rare at all. Some people remain gay, even when they change their gender. It's much more common than you think. Sexuality and gender are a wonderfully complex entities. I wouldn't assume someone's sexual orientation will change just because their gender changes.

Well that's fascinating! It seems to me more like their orientation did change. I.E. from an attraction to guys to an attraction to girls. To me when it comes to sexual orientation, the gender of one's attraction is more relevant than the fact that it's same or opposite from your own gender. I'm truly amazed by this! Thanks for sharing!

[Procyon]

I will say that I would never want, support, or approve someone having gender reassignment surgery to be with me simply to make it easier or legal. I would much rather face the discrimination and more difficult life, and I couldn't support it because to me the person would be doing it for all the wrong reasons. If in some twisted, weird sort of way it was the only way we could be together in any way at all, and the person really really wanted to do it...well I still think I'd have trouble getting on board, but I would only know in the situation.

 

In this case (in Iran) they'd have been executed if there were any kind of proof that they'd had (gay) sex. So I guess they wanted to stay together really badly... the guy who'd had gender reassignment looked really beautiful (as a woman) but also really sad. It's a pity I can't find the article.

 

One friend thought she was dating a guy, and had been for over a year. It was a long distance relationship so they weren't together constantly, but they had been together, and even 'intimate', on many occasions. It turned out that the 'guy' was really a girl pretending to be a guy, and evidently the times they had sex had been with the lights off and the girl had used very realistic seeming 'equipment'. It was very hard for my friend (understandably), but she eventually elected to stay in the relationship (that was about a year and a half ago, they're actually having problems again now, but it's unrelated to the previous stuff). Personally, I very probably wouldn't have because of the deception involved. However, I've never been more proud of her than when she said, "she's still the person I fell in love with".

 

Wow, what a Crying Game situation... I can't imagine what that would be like, but I'd feel betrayed I think. Interesting though.

 

 

Oh no my very good friend was a gay guy in college and is now a lesbian, it's not rare at all. Some people remain gay, even when they change their gender. It's much more common than you think. Sexuality and gender are a wonderfully complex entities. I wouldn't assume someone's sexual orientation will change just because their gender changes.

 

Wow, I'd never heard of somebody's sexual orientation changing because of gender reassignment. But then I don't know anybody who's had it that close -- the ones I do know of stayed the same though, if they fancied guys they went on doing that and vice versa.

[AFriendlyFace]

In this case (in Iran) they'd have been executed if there were any kind of proof that they'd had (gay) sex. So I guess they wanted to stay together really badly... the guy who'd had gender reassignment looked really beautiful (as a woman) but also really sad. It's a pity I can't find the article.

OH wow, that's so sad

[Procyon]

OH wow, that's so sad

 

Yes it was terribly sad...

[Tiger]

OH wow, that's so sad

I agree. It is so awful the way people like us are treated in places like Iran.

[Demetz]

If my partner wanted a sex change it would mean instant divorce. Yes, I love them for their personality not their sex organs, but I need sexual intimacy as part of a relationship and without the right equipment they would not be able to provide for that need anymore.

 

As for Iran.... I really wouldn't mind a regime change policy there. Let the Mullahs have a taste of their own medicine as we covertly fund dissenting militias seeking their overthrow and execution.

[AFriendlyFace]

If my partner wanted a sex change it would mean instant divorce. Yes, I love them for their personality not their sex organs, but I need sexual intimacy as part of a relationship and without the right equipment they would not be able to provide for that need anymore.

Not to 'put you on the spot' but what if your partner simply had some sort of accident that rendered sex impossible? Would that also equate to "I love you, but I've got needs I have to take care of"?

[Procyon]

Not to 'put you on the spot' but what if your partner simply had some sort of accident that rendered sex impossible? Would that also equate to "I love you, but I've got needs I have to take care of"?

 

Very interesting question. It raises (at least) two more questions:

 

1. Is having gender reassignment a choice? Because an accident, of course, isn't. The person didn't want it to happen, while the person having a sex change hopefully did. And I think that matters in a relationship, who was able to choose what.

 

2. Is gender reassignment a traumatic event for the person it's done to? Again, an accident which means you can't have sex would be terribly traumatic for the person it happened to, and one's first priority as a partner would naturally be to try to console one's significant other. Changing sex, I imagine, would be more traumatic for the person's boy- or girlfriend, since they didn't choose for it to happen, while the sex-changee did.

 

Of course, having a sex change may not really be a choice; a person would be so desperately unhappy in his or her sexual identity that a sex change is absolutely necessary, so in that sense it's unavoidable. But for those around one it would still feel like a choice, I think, at least it might for me. And even if it isn't a choice it evokes less empathy since it is a positive thing for the person who's doing it, while an accident is definitely a negative thing.

 

So my answer is that I'd try to stay with the person who'd had an accident and be as supportive as I could. With a person having a sex change I'd try to be supportive as well, of course, and I might try to stay with them as well, but it's much less likely that I'd succeed in keeping a feeling of romantic love for them.

[Demetz]

Kevin, that's a difficult question the sort i don't think anyone knows how they will handle until and unless it actually happens. I do not believe that I would abandon someone I deeply care for after such an accident, though.

[AFriendlyFace]

Very interesting question. It raises (at least) two more questions:

 

1. Is having gender reassignment a choice? Because an accident, of course, isn't. The person didn't want it to happen, while the person having a sex change hopefully did. And I think that matters in a relationship, who was able to choose what.

I agree, and in fact i did briefly consider this aspect before I posed the question, but I still thought an 'in general answer' might be interesting to consider.

2. Is gender reassignment a traumatic event for the person it's done to? Again, an accident which means you can't have sex would be terribly traumatic for the person it happened to, and one's first priority as a partner would naturally be to try to console one's significant other. Changing sex, I imagine, would be more traumatic for the person's boy- or girlfriend, since they didn't choose for it to happen, while the sex-changee did.

Hmm, I mostly agree but not entirely. I think the emotions experienced be each partner would actually vary greatly and in some ways it would be easier for the boyfriend/girlfriend and in some ways it would be easier for the trans person.

 

Mostly though, I do agree with your evaluations of these two questions.

 

Kevin, that's a difficult question the sort i don't think anyone knows how they will handle until and unless it actually happens. I do not believe that I would abandon someone I deeply care for after such an accident, though.

Sorry Demetz, I didn't mean to put you in a difficult position, I just wanted to give us something more to consider. In any case it's obvious that the person simply being unable to satisfy you sexually would not be your only consideration otherwise you could have answered the question with as much ease and certainty as you answered the original question. Thus, there must be other things at play and there at least exists a theoretical circumstance in which you would consider staying with someone with whom sex would be difficult.