Breaking up

[AFriendlyFace]

Hi everyone,

 

So I realized that while we have lots of threads about dating and romance and relationships, we don't seem to have a "breaking up" thread. Of course no one likes to break up, but I think it's something that many, if not most of us, have gone through at least once or twice.

 

I thought this might be a good place to share experiences, ask advice, or generally just get support.

 

 

And okay, so I sorta have an ulterior motive too

 

I've been out with this guy, Ryan, a few times, and whereas I've pretty much decided that we don't have enough in common to make it work, he seems to be interested in getting serious. So my question is, do I need to 'break up' with him? We were never like 'formally' in a relationship. We've been out, I think four times now, and then just regular talking on the phone and texting. So to me we're not even really 'together'.

 

About a week ago he brought up the whole, "let's define our relationship' topic, (really this whole thing has only been going on maybe two and half, three weeks tops) and I was thinking that was way too soon to make a decision either way. I basically said that I was having fun going out with him and suggested that we just keep doing that for several more weeks and then see how we both feel and decide if we were want to get in a 'relationship'. He seemed to comfortably accept that answer.

 

Nevertheless, it still seems to me that he views us as a couple, at least to some extent, so I feel like I can't really get away with just making my decision without informing him. I mean I guess I could just call/text a lot less often, and basically 'taper off' our relationship until he got the point...but would that be nicer or meaner?

 

Most of the time with guys I've 'been out with' but am not 'dating', that's just how I handle it. If I decide I'm not interested I obviously don't ask them out anymore and if they ask me I politely come up with an excuse. It's never really been a big deal in the past, and as far as I know none of them were particularly serious either, so it probably wasn't much of an issue.

 

If it were a 'real' relationship, while it would hurt more and be more drawn out, I could more easily broach the subject of 'breaking up'. It's this awkward, in-between thing that I'm not sure how to handle. Having a big, dramatic break up conversation seems like overkill, but doing nothing and letting it die seems cold and avoidant.

 

So thoughts and comments?

 

-Kevin

[Krista]

Personally, I don't like to leave things open-ended and just let feelings or things slowly decline and such. So I think for you, even if it is something that isn't completely official if you suspect that the other guy is thinking it is an official relationship you may need to have a break up talk with him. Maybe just a, "I'm not feeling it right now," could be better than saying nothing at all. It may make things strained, but the other may lend to leading a person on and it could end up being more harmful to the friendship or hopeful friendship you may have later on.

[Tiff]

I agree with Krista. You may not be serious with Ryan, so it doesn't seem like a big deal if you call/text less and let things die on its own. However, I get the impression he's more into you than you are him, so obviously if you dodged his calls/texts and ignored him or made excuses, he might end up getting hurt or wondering what went wrong or if it was something he did.

 

Even with friends, I hate when they suddenly start acting cold or ignoring me. I mean, if they don't want to hang out anymore, just say so! The same goes for someone you're dating even if you're in the awkward stage.

 

As sucky as it may be having this talk, it's the mature and honorable way to go. It will hurt less this way, being upfront and direct and he'll appreciate it, well maybe not immediately, but it's better than being brushed off. Just be honest and genuine. He can't get mad at you for feeling the way you feel. Tell him you don't feel that romantic connection and would rather be friends. I did that a few months ago to this guy. He was getting way too serious too quickly and it was freaking me out. So I had to basically tell him I wanted to be friends and wasn't ready for a serious relationship. Unfortunately we're not friends anymore, but it was better than leading him on and totally ignoring him. Don't hurt someone else because you're nervous or dreading the "uncomfortable break up" talk.

[AFriendlyFace]

*sigh*

 

I know you're both right...

 

 

Thanks for the excellent advice, btw.

[NaperVic]

I swear we had a break up thread somewhere.... *runs to go search*

[Demetz]

If you've gone out for a while, then it might be that he's at the point where he considers it to be an exclusive dating relationship with the possibility for more. If you've ruled out the possibility for more, then, to my mind anyway, I think it would be best to just tell him you're not looking for more with him, but you'd like to still be friends. Give it a couple days and if you're serious about the staying friends part, do something friendly with him - maybe with a couple other friends so its clear that its not a date, just a friendly outing.

 

 

 

 

As for me, if you check my blog you can see the subject of break-ups has popped up in my own life. Not me breaking up, but rather, me becoming (ever so temporarily) involved with someone who seemed to think he was broken up, but now seems to have changed his mind. Considering his boyfriend was under the impression they were still together, and now so is the guy who was "dating" (does hanging out in a park count as a date?) me... I'd say its fair to say they're still together, but should be broken up.

 

If someone did to me what Aaron did to Jeremy I'd be so pissed off I'd leave in a heartbeat. If someone did to me what Aaron did to me... well, I'd react precisely how I did .... I am not interested in being someone's affair. I am not going to be in a relationship with someone who hasn't actually gotten around to breaking up with the person they're transitionaryish with.

[AFriendlyFace]

I swear we had a break up thread somewhere.... *runs to go search*

It seems like we would have! No need to run though; take your time. This one will do till you find it

 

 

If you've gone out for a while, then it might be that he's at the point where he considers it to be an exclusive dating relationship with the possibility for more. If you've ruled out the possibility for more, then, to my mind anyway, I think it would be best to just tell him you're not looking for more with him, but you'd like to still be friends. Give it a couple days and if you're serious about the staying friends part, do something friendly with him - maybe with a couple other friends so its clear that its not a date, just a friendly outing.

I suppose you're right.

 

He actually doesn't have any GLBT friends, so I suppose I really ought to introduce him around anyway.

 

 

As for me, if you check my blog you can see the subject of break-ups has popped up in my own life. Not me breaking up, but rather, me becoming (ever so temporarily) involved with someone who seemed to think he was broken up, but now seems to have changed his mind. Considering his boyfriend was under the impression they were still together, and now so is the guy who was "dating" (does hanging out in a park count as a date?) me... I'd say its fair to say they're still together, but should be broken up.

 

If someone did to me what Aaron did to Jeremy I'd be so pissed off I'd leave in a heartbeat. If someone did to me what Aaron did to me... well, I'd react precisely how I did .... I am not interested in being someone's affair. I am not going to be in a relationship with someone who hasn't actually gotten around to breaking up with the person they're transitionaryish with.

Ouch! Yeah, I think you should dump Aaron! (gosh, I'm being blunt about your personal life, but yeah)

[Demetz]

Yep. I actually got a text message back from him after the one I sent saying point blank that I would not be an affair. He said: I will talk to youLATER...BYE!

 

I don't know if the caps were there incidentally or because he's angry.

 

Frankly I don't think he's got the right to be angry. He was the one who gave me his number, he was the one who told me he was broken up with this guy, he's the one who told that guy that he was going to work things out with him then decided to get... erhm... physically involved with me. He's the guy who had the nerve to say "I'm going to try to work things out, I didn't mean to send any signals" .... What kind of signal does he think he was sending by saying things like "I'm not in love with him anymore, I'm not even attracted to him anymore, I broke up with him already and the only reason I still live there is because there's nowhere else to go" and following them up with moving very quickly physically? I was supposed to take that as "Hello, I have a boyfriend I'm dedicated to" ?

 

I'll be calling Alyssa (a friend of Aaron's who had been backing up his story about being broken up with Jeremy) and finding out what the deal is and whether I should even talk to Aaron again.

[AFriendlyFace]

 

Sounds very difficult.

 

Remember Alyssa is Aaron's friend, so any information you get from her you might want to take with a grain of salt anyway

 

 

I would suggest just trying to put the whole thing behind you and chalking it up to differences in the way people communicate and behave. I'm sorry it happened to you though

 

-Kevin

[NaperVic]

I swear we had a break up thread somewhere.... *runs to go search*

 

It seems like we would have! No need to run though; take your time. This one will do till you find it

 

Ahhhh, here's what I was thinking about. While this thread wasn't exclusively about breaking up, the subject was broached...

 

This is the A Guide to Boyfriends thread that Ieshwar started a while back.

[NaperVic]

I've been out with this guy, Ryan, a few times, and whereas I've pretty much decided that we don't have enough in common to make it work, he seems to be interested in getting serious. So my question is, do I need to 'break up' with him? We were never like 'formally' in a relationship. We've been out, I think four times now, and then just regular talking on the phone and texting. So to me we're not even really 'together'.

 

About a week ago he brought up the whole, "let's define our relationship' topic, (really this whole thing has only been going on maybe two and half, three weeks tops) and I was thinking that was way too soon to make a decision either way. I basically said that I was having fun going out with him and suggested that we just keep doing that for several more weeks and then see how we both feel and decide if we were want to get in a 'relationship'. He seemed to comfortably accept that answer.

 

Okay, so if he suggested the define our relationship discussion, then I think you should oblige him and be honest. You also agreed to have the discussion in a few weeks. If those few weeks have come and gone, it's time to pay the piper.

 

You like being friends with him, but you're not interested in a dating relationship with him.

 

Tell him that.

 

You'll save yourselves future awkwardness.

 

Take Care,

 

Vic

[Jack Frost]

The truth is... I never had any break-ups. I'm still in my first relationship. There were a few points where we nearly lost it, but we stuck together because the next day ended being, "You bitch... It scares me that I actually miss you annoying the f**K out of me despite all of the shits that you pulled for the last X years." from my boyfriend's mouth. He's so sweet with words sometimes, especially when he calls me bad names.

 

Plus... If there will be a break up, it could get really nasty if one of us isn't nice to each other when we face the judge in a divorce court. So that's something huge for us to think twice or thrice before we jump there without any serious thoughts.

Edited June 7, 2008 by Jack Frost

[AFriendlyFace]

The truth is... I never had any break-ups. I'm still in my first relationship. There were a few points where we nearly lost it, but we stuck together because the next day ended being, "You bitch... It scares me that I actually miss you annoying the f**K out of me despite all of the shits that you pulled for the last X years." from my boyfriend's mouth. He's so sweet with words sometimes, especially when he calls me bad names.

 

Plus... If there will be a break up, it could get really nasty if one of us isn't nice to each other when we face the judge in a divorce court. So that's something huge for us to think twice or thrice before we jump there without any serious thoughts.

 

How...romantic (?)

 

Seriously, that's great Frosty! I'm really happy for you

 

I hope you guys always stay together and find a way to work through your problems

 

Best of luck that you never have to deal with a break up!

 

-Kevin

 

Okay, so if he suggested the define our relationship discussion, then I think you should oblige him and be honest. You also agreed to have the discussion in a few weeks. If those few weeks have come and gone, it's time to pay the piper.

 

You like being friends with him, but you're not interested in a dating relationship with him.

 

Tell him that.

 

You'll save yourselves future awkwardness.

 

Take Care,

 

Vic

Yeah...I guess you're right

Edited June 8, 2008 by AFriendlyFace

[AFriendlyFace]

If anyone was curious I finally did the deed yesterday. I think it went pretty well actually.

[NaperVic]

If anyone was curious I finally did the deed yesterday. I think it went pretty well actually.

 

 

Do tell, what approach did you use?

 

'It's not you, it's me.'

 

'You're a great guy but,....'

Edited June 9, 2008 by NaperVic

[GaryK]

If anyone was curious I finally did the deed yesterday. I think it went pretty well actually.

I hope it went well. Especially considering my comments below.

 

He actually doesn't have any GLBT friends, so I suppose I really ought to introduce him around anyway.

Everyone seems to have missed this point and I think it's an important one.

 

Was this friend's desire for a relationship due purely to his attraction to you, or did it have more to do with the fact you're the only gay guy he apparently knows?

 

As a real friend I think the best thing you could do is invite him to join you--not as your date--when you socialize with your friends. Help him make his own friends in the gay community. Then hopefully he'll be able to not only have more friends, but also a wider range of people with whom there might be a mutual romantic attraction.

[Benji]

I hope it went well. Especially considering my comments below.

 

 

Everyone seems to have missed this point and I think it's an important one.

 

Was this friend's desire for a relationship due purely to his attraction to you, or did it have more to do with the fact you're the only gay guy he apparently knows?

 

As a real friend I think the best thing you could do is invite him to join you--not as your date--when you socialize with your friends. Help him make his own friends in the gay community. Then hopefully he'll be able to not only have more friends, but also a wider range of people with whom there might be a mutual romantic attraction.

 

 

........Sounds like sage advice to me!

[sat8997]

I have my divorce all planned out. I'm filing on July 2, 2011.

[Jack Frost]

I have my divorce all planned out. I'm filing on July 2, 2011.

Enlighten me.

 

 

 

If you're free, can I marry you then? I just need someone very experienced to pass my genes around.

[rknapp]

Everyone seems to have missed this point and I think it's an important one.

 

Was this friend's desire for a relationship due purely to his attraction to you, or did it have more to do with the fact you're the only gay guy he apparently knows?

 

As a real friend I think the best thing you could do is invite him to join you--not as your date--when you socialize with your friends. Help him make his own friends in the gay community. Then hopefully he'll be able to not only have more friends, but also a wider range of people with whom there might be a mutual romantic attraction.

I think that this is the best thing Kevin can do for the guy right now. Honestly, if I was in this guys shoes, I'd be very grateful. I know what it's like to not know any GLBT people (face to face, anyway).

 

If you're free, can I marry you then? I just need someone very experienced to pass my genes around.

You realize of course you just called her a slut... unless she takes kindly to to that sort of thing? I do know more than one woman who flaunts their level of expertise...

Edited June 10, 2008 by rknapp

[AFriendlyFace]

Do tell, what approach did you use?

 

'It's not you, it's me.'

 

'You're a great guy but,....'

A little of both, with a healthy dose of, "I just don't think now is a good time for me to be in a relationship" (which is true!)

 

 

 

As a real friend I think the best thing you could do is invite him to join you--not as your date--when you socialize with your friends. Help him make his own friends in the gay community. Then hopefully he'll be able to not only have more friends, but also a wider range of people with whom there might be a mutual romantic attraction.

Well, I honestly think I'd be sending him mixed signals if I did that right away. "We can't go out anymore" "Hey you want to join us Friday?"

 

Apart from which I don't even have time to socialize with my friends right now (with or without him) I've been so busy and stressed out I've turned down or backed out of the last half dozen or so attempts any of my friends have made to get together. I feel really guilty about that too

 

But seriously, one of the reasons I did decide to end things with Ryan was because I just couldn't handle another person on my plate I was supposed to be spending considerable amounts of time with. Anyway, maybe in a month or so when things cool down I'll have the opportunity to go out more again and I'll invite him along (by then it'll probably be less 'mixed signalish' too).

 

I have my divorce all planned out. I'm filing on July 2, 2011.

Wow! You do have it planned out!

 

If you're free, can I marry you then? I just need someone very experienced to pass my genes around.

*gasp* You're a married man!

[GaryK]

Well, I honestly think I'd be sending him mixed signals if I did that right away. "We can't go out anymore" "Hey you want to join us Friday?"

That's why I specifically mentioned being sure he doesn't see it as a date. You're taking him along as a friend in order to introduce him to other gay people and gay establishments. Hopefully he has enough social skills that he can take it from there.

[Procyon]

A little of both, with a healthy dose of, "I just don't think now is a good time for me to be in a relationship" (which is true!)

 

Great that you did it! It was the right thing to do, the way you told it it seemed to me that he might have become a lot unhappier if you'd just begun avoiding him or something. Actually, that is rarely a good approach. So good on you!

 

And don't worry about introducing him to people, you've got enough to do as it is and can do that later when you're less stressed out. If he's been without LGBT friends for this long he'll survive a few weeks more, and then you can be nice and sociable with less of a risk that he'll read things into it.

[sat8997]

Enlighten me.

 

 

 

If you're free, can I marry you then? I just need someone very experienced to pass my genes around.

 

My youngest turns 18 on July 1, 2011. At that time I feel I will have satisfied any obligation I have to keeping the family unit together. I'll happily sell my house, take my half of the proceeds and run, just as fast as I can in the opposite direction. And sorry Buttercup, I have no intentions of ever tying myself legally to another person. So you'll just have to pass those genes elsewhere.

[GaryK]

And don't worry about introducing him to people, you've got enough to do as it is and can do that later when you're less stressed out. If he's been without LGBT friends for this long he'll survive a few weeks more, and then you can be nice and sociable with less of a risk that he'll read things into it.

That makes a lot of sense.