Is this a date?

[AFriendlyFace]

I find this topic very interesting. So much confusion in single life stems from the age old question, "Is this a date?" This situation of uncertainty is often a major component of books, movies, television shows, and even music. So just what is a date? How does one know when they've been asked out romantically as opposed to platonically? How best can one convey to their partner that they consider the event to be a date? Or how can they subtly indicate that they do not consider the event to be a date?

 

Currently I'm in this situation. A few hours ago I got a text from a casual friend of mine asking me if I'd like to go to the movies with him Wednesday night. The movie was Confessions of a Shopaholic which I really want to see, and come on it's almost like it's written for me So naturally I accepted. Next he suggested that we have dinner first. Well that makes sense, right? I mean it's around dinner time. I'd be hungry if I didn't eat, so again I said that sounded like a great idea.

 

Then I got to thinking, "wait a minute..." I kinda get the impression that this guy is interested in me based on some of the complimentary and flirtatious things he says when we're together, or over text, and this is dinner and movie after all. That's practically always interpreted as a date when done by two single people without an established close friendship. I'm not paying for the movie, but he said he got the tickets free (I haven't asked how yet).

 

On the other hand, we're meeting there, I'm not be picked up or doing the picking. Also, my personal definition of a date is anything which two people do together that both consider to be a date. I did not accept it as a date, and I'm not interested in dating him, so as far as I'm concerned it's not a date.

 

Of course that means I'll have to subtly let him know I don't consider it a date, or else run the risk of leading him on (which I seem to be pretty damn good at ). Obviously though I'd feel like an idiot if I do something to indicate "not a date!" and he didn't mean it as a date in the first place. Thus I was going to just play it by ear...but that's usually how I end up 'sending mixed signals'.

 

Personally, I've been on quite a few 'dates' that I didn't enjoy in a date sense but enjoyed in a general sense. I usually have fun when I go out, regardless of with whom or what the activity is, and I usually try to make sure the other person is having fun too...so I guess that's how it happens.

 

Any thoughts on this?

 

-Kevin

[Graeme]

Without knowing the person in question, I would say there's a good chance that he will consider it a date. However, he might also be wise enough to know that he hasn't actually asked you out on a date, but rather asked a friend if he would like to go out.

 

You say it's not a date, so it's not a date, but be on alert for any actions or words that makes it appear like he thinks it could be a date.

[Krista]

Some things to consider:

 

If he insists on buying all of your movie snacks, it very well could be a date.

 

If he insists you sit in the back or in a more private area.

 

If he seems overly giddy about being out on the town with you then its probably a date.. lol.

 

Now if he's nonchalant about the whole thing then its probably two friends meeting up to do something, but when does that happen really? I have never been out with just a single friend and I.. well one that is straight.. lol.. but eh.

 

 

Importantly though, don't make the situation strained by asking tons of questions, you don't have to do anything spectacular, usually if you do ask questions or insist on gestures then it turns messy or at least an outcome you don't really want - or do you want it to be a date?

[hh5]

ok - have as many qualifying pre-dates before you committ to having one

 

I guess you have to find out if he taste good to your liking.

 

hehe, you're the boss - so - He's just inquiring if the position is open in your heart?

[Benji]

Sounds like more of a 'feeling out' process to me. But what do I know, I would think the actions of the other would dictate the rule

[NaperVic]

Any thoughts on this?

Wednesday's aren't usually considered date night, so I'll say it's not a date.

 

However, if he asks you what you're doing Saturday night and subsequently asks you to do something then, then Wednesday is a date and it looks like you'll have one for Valentine's Day

[corvus]

The last time I asked myself this question and answered it for myself, I got into a rather bad situation, so my advice is, like, defunct by default. But ideally, I think there should be a continuum between "date" and "hanging out with a friend" -- just like there is between polar ends of sexuality. Is it possible to see things as "hang-out-but-see-where-this-goes?"

[AFriendlyFace]

Hmm, interesting comments and advice.

 

First off, as I said, I'm really not wanting it to be a date. I'm open to the possibility of a closer friendship, and only the possibility of a closer friendship. He's just not really my type romantically.

 

I definitely think it could be a 'feeling out' as Benji mentioned, and I also like Corvus' idea of a spectrum between date and hanging out as friends. As I said, I'm not interested in moving beyond the friend side of the spectrum, but that seems like it would be a better situation to handle.

 

I think it's more complicated because I personally really like hanging out one on one with my friends. I think that's the absolute best way to bond and develop a closer relationship. Hanging out in small groups and big get togethers is fun, but it definitely takes a few intimate, private conversations before I feel really close to someone. Anyway, we've been casual friends for awhile now, so I am ready to take our friendship to the next level.

 

My concern is that if I try to have intense, enjoyable conversation in which I pay close attention to what he's saying and reveal somewhat personal things about myself (as I'm apt to do in one-on-one platonic encounters) I might indeed send the wrong message.

 

Eh, it's all way too complicated. I'm sure I will just have to play it by ear.

 

-Kevin

[hh5]

sounds like the conversation be like apples and bushels - yup complicated

 

what ever happen to K.I.S.S.

[MikeL]

By your own definition, it is not a date:

Also, my personal definition of a date is anything which two people do together that both consider to be a date.

I think it's more complicated because I personally really like hanging out one on one with my friends.

If your reputation precedes you, he will know it is not a date.

[Dion]

Not that I have anything to base it on but my opinion would be 'no'. Not a date. 'Hanging out', maybe.

 

The whole scene is too casual for a date.

 

Just have fun, whatever you want to call it.

[AFriendlyFace]

Well, I thought the curious among you might wonder how things turned out.

 

I ended up not going, for a combination of reasons. I'm not feeling very well for one thing. Although to be honest I ended up cancelling because I pretty much got an answer to my question. He sent me a text telling me that he'd only really suggested the movie as an excuse for us to go out together. Nice I suppose, but as I said, I don't have any romantic interest in him, and I sorta felt like after he had said that, that going would indicate otherwise. So, when he said that he was sorry I wasn't well and would understand if I needed to cancel, I took the easy way out. I thanked him for being so understanding and said that in truth I really should stay in tonight and rest.

 

Eh, now all I've got to figure out is how best to gently dissuade him. He specifically said that next time it was 'my turn' to ask him out. So obviously one option is simply not doing that, but I don't want to hurt his feelings so right now I'm leaning toward asking him along to some sort of non-private occasion with at least one or two other friends present. Maybe I can clearly set the stage as platonic only.

 

-Kevin

[KJames]

Well, I thought the curious among you might wonder how things turned out.

 

I ended up not going, for a combination of reasons. I'm not feeling very well for one thing. Although to be honest I ended up cancelling because I pretty much got an answer to my question. He sent me a text telling me that he'd only really suggested the movie as an excuse for us to go out together. Nice I suppose, but as I said, I don't have any romantic interest in him, and I sorta felt like after he had said that, that going would indicate otherwise. So, when he said that he was sorry I wasn't well and would understand if I needed to cancel, I took the easy way out. I thanked him for being so understanding and said that in truth I really should stay in tonight and rest.

 

Eh, now all I've got to figure out is how best to gently dissuade him. He specifically said that next time it was 'my turn' to ask him out. So obviously one option is simply not doing that, but I don't want to hurt his feelings so right now I'm leaning toward asking him along to some sort of non-private occasion with at least one or two other friends present. Maybe I can clearly set the stage as platonic only.

 

-Kevin

 

Hey, Kevin, had to pick up this thread from the beginning to see what was going on...and it's not an unusual situation to be in. Sounds, from here, like your friend just wanted to get out, and although he wanted to do the movie as an excuse to "go out together" it still sounds like he just would rather have your company than others'. His telling you that it's "your turn to ask next time" also sounds like he's more than willing to let you have your time and space, but would still enjoy your company. Sometimes, not having a romantic interest in someone isn't the same as someone just liking to hang with you--maybe he just wanted some time out with a quiet friend, without having to do the "large group" thing.

[AFriendlyFace]

Hey, Kevin, had to pick up this thread from the beginning to see what was going on...and it's not an unusual situation to be in. Sounds, from here, like your friend just wanted to get out, and although he wanted to do the movie as an excuse to "go out together" it still sounds like he just would rather have your company than others'. His telling you that it's "your turn to ask next time" also sounds like he's more than willing to let you have your time and space, but would still enjoy your company. Sometimes, not having a romantic interest in someone isn't the same as someone just liking to hang with you--maybe he just wanted some time out with a quiet friend, without having to do the "large group" thing.

 

That's a really thought-provoking and insightful response. It definitely gives me some new things to think about.

 

Thanks,

 

-Kevin

[KJames]

That's a really thought-provoking and insightful response. It definitely gives me some new things to think about.

 

Thanks,

 

-Kevin

 

I kinda, sorta, looked at it from my own perspective...I might enjoy someone's company who I meet in a group, but not necessarily the noise and distraction of the group setting as a whole...and while I may think the person attractive, am not necessarily romantically inclined toward them, but there's still a "liking" there as a friend who is welcome company because of some similar likes and dislikes.