conversations in the middle of sentences

[Kia Zi Shiru]

I've never really thought about it before but wildone commented on it in my story I send off as a task to get into uni.

I have the habit of putting conversations in the middle of sentences. like:

 

[John Doe]

I've never really thought about it before but wildone commented on it in my story I send off as a task to get into uni.

I have the habit of putting conversations in the middle of sentences. like:

 

"You do realize that we have a test on this next week eh?" Mike laughs as I keep growling about the huge load of math assignments we have for tomorrow "Oh come on, just ask Vic or Marie to help you, they'll make sure they get done." Mike punches my shoulder and we walk though the front door, suddenly he stops. "Jo?" he softly asks in wonder and his face lightens up. I look in the direction he is looking and see Vic talking to a tall slightly muscular guy. Next to me Mike tries to walk towards them as normal as possible, but still there is a slight skip in his step. I smile fondly as I follow him.

 

 

I'm not sure if it's officially allowed but I've been doing this for years and seldom read stories that do this too, but to me it's like second nature to write like. For me it gives me a lot of space to fput different emotions in the same conversation.

 

 

But what do you guys think about it? Should it be banned or should people who can do this get medallions? XP

 

 

 

 

 

There is nothing wrong with having speech inbetween sentences as long as the speech is from the same speaker. This part here doesn't work because it seems like there is an actual coversation. You start a new paragraph with every new speaker. You can't lump them together into one paragraph even though it's the same subject. Remember that grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure is all part of the art and craft of writing. You can control the pacing of the story with these tools. But there are rules to follow too to make the reading is clear and precise. So to answer your question and to repeat... there is nothing wrong with inserting speech into a summary or detailed paragraph only if it's one speaker. If there is another speaker do not put it in the same paragraph. It's a novice mistake and it also adds confusion as the reader has to figure out who is doing what talking and the moment the reader has to do that then it takes them out of the story being told and once the reader is out of the story world they can very well put the story down or away and you have a possibility of losing a reader there.

[Kia Zi Shiru]

I know I might have chosen a bad example, here is the full part:

Mike joins me after our last class, Vic doesn't share all of my classes so he waits for me in front of the school.

 

"You do realize that we have a test on this next week eh?" Mike laughs as I keep growling about the huge load of math assignments we have for tomorrow, "Oh come on, just ask Vic or Marie to help you, they'll make sure they get done." Mike punches my shoulder and we walk though the front door, suddenly he stops. "Jo?" he softly asks in wonder and his face lightens up. I look in the direction he is looking and see Vic talking to a tall slightly muscular guy. Next to me Mike tries to walk towards them as normal as possible, but still there is a slight skip in his step. I smile fondly as I follow him. "Jo!" the guy looks up as Mike gives him a quick hug en keeps standing close to him, a small smile plastered on his features.

 

"Yeah, I wanted to surprise you. I thought it would be fun to spend some time and was out early anyway." Jo smiles and looks at me "I don't think we know each other. Hi, I'm Jo, Mike's guy, you must be Jack. You look exactly like Vic told me." I look at Vic but he just blushes and looks away. So Jo was a friend of Vic and also Mikes boyfriend, or well, that is what it looks like. I never even guessed that he may be gay, but right now, I barely thought it was interesting any more.

 

"Do you guys want to join us?" Jo looks at Vic and me expectantly.

 

I look at Vic who shrugs "Why not? We haven't seen each other in a long time anyway. You okay with it Mike?"

 

"Why would I mind? It's not like Jo and I never see each other and it might be fun hanging around with you guys." Mike smiles and looks at Jo "Where do you want to go? Do you have anything in mind?"

 

"Just that cafe we went to last time? It wasn't that crowded and their chocolate milk is delicious and not too expensive. You guys okay with that?" Vic and I nod "Okay then lets go." He turns and we walk off the school grounds.

 

 

 

 

I know it seemed like it, but that might have been because the main char of this chapter simply doesn't talk that much (or the other guys talks too much, haven't figured that out yet XP )

Edited March 28, 2010 by Kia Zi Shiru

[John Doe]

I know I might have chosen a bad example, here is the full part:

Mike joins me after our last class, Vic doesn't share all of my classes so he waits for me in front of the school.

 

"You do realize that we have a test on this next week eh?" Mike laughs as I keep growling about the huge load of math assignments we have for tomorrow, "Oh come on, just ask Vic or Marie to help you, they'll make sure they get done." Mike punches my shoulder and we walk though the front door, suddenly he stops. "Jo?" he softly asks in wonder and his face lightens up. I look in the direction he is looking and see Vic talking to a tall slightly muscular guy. Next to me Mike tries to walk towards them as normal as possible, but still there is a slight skip in his step. I smile fondly as I follow him. "Jo!" the guy looks up as Mike gives him a quick hug en keeps standing close to him, a small smile plastered on his features.

 

"Yeah, I wanted to surprise you. I thought it would be fun to spend some time and was out early anyway." Jo smiles and looks at me "I don't think we know each other. Hi, I'm Jo, Mike's guy, you must be Jack. You look exactly like Vic told me." I look at Vic but he just blushes and looks away. So Jo was a friend of Vic and also Mikes boyfriend, or well, that is what it looks like. I never even guessed that he may be gay, but right now, I barely thought it was interesting any more.

 

"Do you guys want to join us?" Jo looks at Vic and me expectantly.

 

I look at Vic who shrugs "Why not? We haven't seen each other in a long time anyway. You okay with it Mike?"

 

"Why would I mind? It's not like Jo and I never see each other and it might be fun hanging around with you guys." Mike smiles and looks at Jo "Where do you want to go? Do you have anything in mind?"

 

"Just that cafe we went to last time? It wasn't that crowded and their chocolate milk is delicious and not too expensive. You guys okay with that?" Vic and I nod "Okay then lets go." He turns and we walk off the school grounds.

 

 

 

 

I know it seemed like it, but that might have been because the main char of this chapter simply doesn't talk that much (or the other guys talks too much, haven't figured that out yet XP )

 

 

Here are my comments. Hopefully I'm clear. I apologize if I overstepped my bounds. You were asking for advice and comments and I am giving them to you mine.

Edits.pdf

[Graeme]

There's nothing wrong with having narration intermingled with dialogue. Indeed, it can enhance the whole piece. However, having multiple speakers in a single paragraph can be confusing. For example, in your original paragraph, I honestly am not sure who spoke each of the pieces of dialogue. It may be clearer in context of the whole story (because of speech patterns and interests of the different characters), but it was clear to me that more than one person was speaking and I wasn't sure who said what.

 

The guideline is, as John Doe said, to have dialogue for different characters in different paragraphs. Narration can go with the dialogue, or as a separate paragraph -- there's no fixed rule on that as far as I know.

 

I walked down the hallway. "Has anyone seen my pen?"

 

Joe looked up. "Which one. The red, the green or the blue?"

 

"The red." I sat down next to him and peer at what he was doing. "Cool drawing! Who is it?"

 

Joe covered it up quickly. "No one."

 

I chuckled and grabbed his arm to try to prise it away. "No one, or no one you want to talk about?" We tussled for a few seconds, until a loud tearing sound was heard.

 

"Now look what you've done!" Joe glared at me before picking up the ruined picture and storming off.

[Kia Zi Shiru]

Here are my comments. Hopefully I'm clear. I apologize if I overstepped my bounds. You were asking for advice and comments and I am giving them to you mine.

 

happy happy but I can't seem to open the attachment.... something about not allowed to or something

 

I was not really asking about advice though, more about peoples thoughts on the style in general XP (not that I mind about advice, I only would like to be able to open it XP )

 

@ graeme

but it was clear to me that more than one person was speaking and I wasn't sure who said what.

the original conversation was simply one guy talking though XP

 

Overall I think I might simply have chosen the wrong part to quote..... XP

Edited March 28, 2010 by Kia Zi Shiru

[John Doe]

Edits.pdf

 

Work this time?

[Kia Zi Shiru]

still nope, maybe you can send it through pm?

[John Doe]

still nope, maybe you can send it through pm?

 

 

Cannot find a way there...

 

Edits 1.rtf

[John Doe]

I can open them fine. I don't know what else to do. But basically there is a confusion in who is speaking in most of your dialogue. Graeme and I both picked up on it. Maybe it'd be something to edit. Tags and such are nice to fix that confusion.

[Kia Zi Shiru]

An Error Occurred

Sorry, an error occurred. If you are unsure on how to use a feature, or don't know why you got this error message, try looking through the help files for more information.

 

 

[#10171] You do not have permission to view this attachment.

 

can't seem to open it

[John Doe]

hmmm i don't know how to add permission.... strange