What Remains

[myself_i_must_remake]

What Remains

 

As mentioned in a few blogs, I've been working on a project. I feel pretty strongly that the first half is the way I'd like it, so I've decided to post it while I finish the second half.

 

This will pressure me to finish, and it'll make the story more readable, being in halves.

 

Try to read it slowly, if you can. I worked hard on a lot of the sentences. Language is, above all else, my favorite thing about writing.

 

The second half should come very soon!

 

 

 

 

[Cia]

I liked the story. The way the characters were classic teenagers but you made us think by adding in all the small bits of you. For example: I said, employing the politics of seniority: only with an entreaty from their superiors could I dodge inquiries regarding our sexual development. LOL. I think most teens would just be thinking, OH HELL NO! I am not talking to you guys about who he might or might not be diddling or wanting to diddle. But what you wrote just... works. I also like the visualizations you incorporate, like this one: The sun hung low over the water, casting upon the waves all the shades of warmth and gold. When writers include the other senses it really helps me be 'in' a story.

 

Okay, so I have recently been working on the speech tag issue. Some say people should only use said, exclaimed, or asked for tags. Anything else is lazy. Others say you should use as few as possible. I'm trying to find a happy medium myself but I have found that showing an action from the person who is speaking can actually take the place quite well for the speech tag and also allow the reader to have a better visualization at the same time. For example:

 

“Tell that man patience isn’t what’s going to kill him, the bacon and eggs will,” said my mother.

 

I would maybe use something like:

 

My mother's hand went to her hip, "Tell that man that patience isn't what's going to kill him, the bacon and eggs will."

 

Anyway, those are my thoughts, ideas, comments... Good work so far. Keep going on part 2.

[myself_i_must_remake]

I agree with the speech tag issue. Actions make some of the best speech tags. As for verbs besides "to ask" and "to say," I see them used very rarely in my favorite writers. You see those most often in genre fiction: cheap romance, mystery, and the like.

 

Thank you for a thoughtful review Cia!

[myself_i_must_remake]

*bump*

 

The second half is posted! With any luck, I won't get mad at this one and delete it.

[Palantir]

Don't you dare delete it!

The quality of this story warrants a permanent place at GA.

 

If anyone reading thse comments hasn't read the actual story I strongly recommend you do so. It will give you something to think about and is peppered throughout with great imagery.