Depression

[Roan]

Hugs to all.

 

Cassie just let yourself be as you are. Its hard enough working through all of the hurt without putting expectations on. You will have days you want to curl up in a ball and hide. Dont worry, we will be here when you uncurl.With chocolate cake.

 

Loving the avatar Mark. What's the time Mr Wolf?. Punishment time.......

 

SO good to read your poems Joe. I always get an amazing sense of energy from them, like all your love and hope is charging down the page and could jump off and give me a hug any time. I feel so alive reading them.

 

Good to see you Breeze Its absolutely critical to get someone who you are able to work with. I had so many shrinks that didnt work before I found one who could. It was all down to me too, I sabotaged them pretty well because a part of me was too frightened to be helped. Now I have a good relationship with one and its amazing how much of a difference it makes.

 

I am hoping to come off my anti-depressants soon, its kind of scary but I am looking forward to it. The side effects are really really annoying and I will be glad to be rid of them.

 

Love to everyone

 

The Colt

 

Roan

[comicfan]

Okay this is part me getting it out part me offering support.

 

Shelly, any time you need an ear let us know. I'm good at listening.

 

Breeze - I always say find what works best and who helps you the most.

 

Mark - Just so grateful to see you grow and move beyond your pain.

 

Joe - Glad you are back. Mark has a lot of good work. Don't be afraid to look through his stuff.

 

Roan - You get better and don't forget us. We are here if you need us.

 

As for me, today was rough as hell. Today is Mother's Day in the USA. It is also the anniversary of my mom's passing. It was three years ago today. Funny thing is that I've spent the whole weekend helping my father grieve again. I feel off but not sad. I wonder if that is just a warning sign or not at the moment. Maybe it is just that oldest child syndrome, you take care of everyone else first. Who knows.

 

Anyway just wanted to let everyone know I'm alive and functioning even if the internet doesn't like me at the moment. Hope for the most part everyone is okay. Remember, we enter this life alone, but then you meet family, friends, and lovers. Don't push them away if they offer you help, hope, or love.

 

Wayne

[Bumblebee]

a $400,000 3 year old colt got put down today after a freak accident yesterday. just about everyone who knew the horse teared up about it.

really really shit day today.

 

Glad your feeling better though Karl.

[Mark92]

Hey Roan good to see you getting better

 

 

So sorry Unc One day I'll give you a real hug

 

Hope it's a better day, today for you Bee.

 

all round

[JOeKEool]

Hi Everyone !!

Well, I'm a whole page behind again. I will have to write a whole page to catch up. NOT !!

 

Mark_ I started over with The Legacy. I'm up to chapter 11 I think. I'm taking a break from it ( short one ). I will try to add reviews. It is very good but a bit dark for a steady diet.

I have the fairy story copied and pasted. Can't wait to start it.

 

CassieQ_ Mike_Breeze and Roan_ I'm glad you are getting the therapy. Cassie, we don't always see our own progress. Others can see it. Hang in there. Roan_ I hope you can stop the Rx. I too hated the side effects.( Glad you like my poems-Thank you for the remarks )

Breeze_ I analyze everything. What if, what if, and then do nothing. I know how frustrating that is.

 

Comic_I am catching up on Marks posts. He is talented. You know that better than most. Your ordeal with Mother's Day sounds tragic. We all have to face that part of "life" eventually. It sounds like you are getting stronger . You are in my thoughts. And how often do we push away the one person/persons we need the most? Good advice to keep them close.

 

Bee_ That is so sad. You have been thru' this before, I think. It is always hard. HUGS !!!

 

Baseball is almost over-2 more weeks or so. 3 games a week is wearing me out. We won again tonight. Go Scrappers !!!

 

I saw a deer crossing main street on my way to work last night. That was cool. They should be heading for high ground now.

 

HUGS !!! to all of you. Be happy !

[Bumblebee]

Bee_ That is so sad. You have been thru' this before, I think. It is always hard. HUGS !!!

 

 

 

 

Thanks Joe, been through it way to many times, I hate it when a horse I spend all my time looking after and loving and caring for and stressing over still gets sick or still hurts themself so badly that they cant be saved.

[JOeKEool]

Poems are read

Bumblebee's blue

I'm right here Bee

I love you

[Breeze]

Hi all....well I'm home again. My sister and her husband have a farm about an hour est of here and thats where I was. They have a couple partners and a really huge farm.So every spring I got out for a few days and do some marathon baking for my sister. I find it very theraputic and relaxing.They have 5-6 guys that help so we bring supper out to them every night and I just love that, except my sister...shes a nutso driver LOL.

Anyway thanks for all the support, you all are so special.

 

And Bee...My dad raced horses for 20 years and sadly on occasion I've been around when a horse has had to be put down. No matter what , its heartbreaking...I feel for you.

[comicfan]

Bee - I'm sorry for the loss. Seeing any animal you care for put down is never easy.

 

 

Breeze - I'm glad you got away and had fun. Who knows, the crazy driving helps to let you know you were alive.

 

Joe - Happy to see you are enjoying the baseball.

 

To everyone, hang in there. When you act alone everything is a struggle, when you share the burden it is never as heavy.

[Yettie One]

I found it quite interesting reading some of the stuff on this post.

 

I've just received a diagnosis of Clinical Depression. Shock!

 

To be completely honest I had no idea at all. Didn't realise it could get to this, wouldn't have guessed it if I hadn't been prompted by some pretty deep, pretty dark and pretty lonely thoughts and feelings. I wouldn't have done anything about it though without the constant badgering of someone very special to me.

 

But now that I've spoken with a professional, am seeing a counsellor and getting help, I've begun to realise that this all started with serious issues a long time ago, and in my own stubborn way of bottling everything up and choosing to deal with it on my own, in my own time, I very often didn't deal with stuff and just left it to fester.

 

I'm not lucky enough to have a huge support network of friends or family around me. I've moved to a new country, for a new life, with its own challenges, and while I wasn't running away from anything, the stuff I thought I'd left behind actually came right along with me.

 

I face some difficult and tough circumstances in my current situation, not that I seek pity or sympathy from anyone, the only reason I say any of this is that I certainly have not chosen for any of the things that have happened to me or those I dear to me. No-one willingly goes into something looking to get hurt or affected by the outcome. That is just ridiculous.

 

The idea that I am doing any of this out of self pity would completely finish me off. To hear someone tell me that I am selfish and feel this way because of my own stupidity and self centred ways would be devastating. To think that some people actually believe that worries me.

 

People say you should be talking about it, but when you stop to consider that the person you are about to tell might think this of you, it just makes me want to keep it all inside even more.

 

To be told I have to learn to deal with this illness called depression is scary. To have these thoughts and feelings and feel this way every day is tough. But to know that someone could potentially dismiss me in such a way without standing in my shoes is really.....I don't know.

[Y_B]

I feel shitty, and I feel guilty for feeling shitty and shitty for feeling shitty because I shouldn't be. I don't usually talk about any kinda problems I have with friends, mostly because I don't have many problems to talk about and aside from that, I'm just not that kinda guy who puts on a sad face when I'm out or will call someone and chat about it. But it doesn't mean I don't feel what I feel and sometimes it just gets a little silly because here I'll sit close to midnight in my room in the dark and all I can think about is GA and this depression thread I'm sure it'll pass by morning and I'll be making my way back down to my old campus again for graduation weekend so this is something to look forward to, but for the moment, I suppose I'll just overshare myself into embarrassment.

 

Last night I had a really weird dream and a small part of it involved this guy who I used to be "friends" with back in high school. I met him in middle school, so it's a ways back. Anyways, I like him a lot. He recently got engaged and I'm happy for him but it sorta brings out a little weird mood in me just because in the past I've had more feeling for him than anyone else I've ever met in my life and the fact that he's now sealed the deal with some girl who I don't know is a very 'eh' kinda feeling, not that I had a chance with him either way. So I been thinking about him and it just happened that a part of my dream involved him....and it's really stupid actually because he broke his engagement off for me. It's about as cliche as it can get, and now I feel like a total loser.

 

There's this guy I got together with a long time ago...total babe...in a way it felt like I overreached and lucked out because if I think about most of the other guys I've gotten with before, it's like "hmmmm...definitely top 3". We made out in my car to the radio at a park (which had a really nice touch to it except for when some cheesy love song came on and you could tell the awkwardness in the car just got to an all time high) and afterwards we were suppose to hang out again a couple of days later but I didn't hear from him and I wouldn't let my ego take a step down so I didn't follow up with him either and now it's like 6 months later. The other day I messaged him again to say hi and asked if he would like to hang out again sometime. Usually in those situations people who aren't interested would either ignore the message or find some excuse right? Not this guy. He unhesitantly said "I'm not interested". That was a big "whoa" moment. it's never happened before. Not that I've never been turned down before but not like that. Did I do something wrong? Doubt it. What a bitch. As much as I appreciate not being led on my lame excuses, a lame excuse woulda let me down easy.

 

I went to an amusement park today with some friends...it was crazy stupid fun. Lots and lots of cute guys everywhere. School's let out and all. I got quite a few looks my way and this one girl wouldn't even break a stare as she stood in line like 15 people behind me...which is cool, but the disappointing part is. They were all girls. Of course a guy would never outright stare at me even if he wanted to, but wouldn't it be nice to be obviously noticed by someone who I might actually be interested in? I guess I'm reaching for the stars.

 

Feel free to ignore all of this. (HA ironically this is at the end of all that wordy nonsense)

[W_L]

I feel shitty, and I feel guilty for feeling shitty and shitty for feeling shitty because I shouldn't be. I don't usually talk about any kinda problems I have with friends, mostly because I don't have many problems to talk about and aside from that, I'm just not that kinda guy who puts on a sad face when I'm out or will call someone and chat about it. But it doesn't mean I don't feel what I feel and sometimes it just gets a little silly because here I'll sit close to midnight in my room in the dark and all I can think about is GA and this depression thread I'm sure it'll pass by morning and I'll be making my way back down to my old campus again for graduation weekend so this is something to look forward to, but for the moment, I suppose I'll just overshare myself into embarrassment.

 

Last night I had a really weird dream and a small part of it involved this guy who I used to be "friends" with back in high school. I met him in middle school, so it's a ways back. Anyways, I like him a lot. He recently got engaged and I'm happy for him but it sorta brings out a little weird mood in me just because in the past I've had more feeling for him than anyone else I've ever met in my life and the fact that he's now sealed the deal with some girl who I don't know is a very 'eh' kinda feeling, not that I had a chance with him either way. So I been thinking about him and it just happened that a part of my dream involved him....and it's really stupid actually because he broke his engagement off for me. It's about as cliche as it can get, and now I feel like a total loser.

 

There's this guy I got together with a long time ago...total babe...in a way it felt like I overreached and lucked out because if I think about most of the other guys I've gotten with before, it's like "hmmmm...definitely top 3". We made out in my car to the radio at a park (which had a really nice touch to it except for when some cheesy love song came on and you could tell the awkwardness in the car just got to an all time high) and afterwards we were suppose to hang out again a couple of days later but I didn't hear from him and I wouldn't let my ego take a step down so I didn't follow up with him either and now it's like 6 months later. The other day I messaged him again to say hi and asked if he would like to hang out again sometime. Usually in those situations people who aren't interested would either ignore the message or find some excuse right? Not this guy. He unhesitantly said "I'm not interested". That was a big "whoa" moment. it's never happened before. Not that I've never been turned down before but not like that. Did I do something wrong? Doubt it. What a bitch. As much as I appreciate not being led on my lame excuses, a lame excuse woulda let me down easy.

 

I went to an amusement park today with some friends...it was crazy stupid fun. Lots and lots of cute guys everywhere. School's let out and all. I got quite a few looks my way and this one girl wouldn't even break a stare as she stood in line like 15 people behind me...which is cool, but the disappointing part is. They were all girls. Of course a guy would never outright stare at me even if he wanted to, but wouldn't it be nice to be obviously noticed by someone who I might actually be interested in? I guess I'm reaching for the stars.

 

Feel free to ignore all of this. (HA ironically this is at the end of all that wordy nonsense)

 

Yang, we're kinda in the same boat. there is one particular guy, who has been stuck in my mind for ages as well, but I know it is better that I think of him as a friend. I really like him, but I also know even if he was gay we would not workout. As friends, he and I compliment each others' faults and capabilities.

 

As for guys that just say "no, I'm not interested", I've been there. I've gone out with guys, who are all nice and great, then he completely throws a curve ball and leaves you high and dry. I don't know why, but some people just prefer to do that than to let it drag on. As the Chinese idiom on love says, "It's better to have short abrupt pain, than lifelong agony".

 

As for looks, you are not ugly if girls take notice of you. It means you are cute, just that no gay guys have caught onto it yet.

 

Hope that helps your pain a little bit. The world has enough depressing things in it, if one depressing sad guy can get you out of your rut, then at least it's a start.

[Mark92]

WOW Have you lot been busy.

 

So sorry Bee, despite our hiccup, I miss you like crazy, I dont care what you think of me, I'll always be here. So so sorry

 

Breeze That sounds awesome, Hope it helps to lift you

 

Good to see you Unc Are you ever going to get that computer?

 

Nice to meet you Yettie I'm from Yorkshire too. The North Yorkshire Moors. Telling anyone you're diagnosed with depression is pretty hard. People are hard faced and say what they mean around these parts. Not all understand. I hope you get the best help you need. And more importantly that it works

 

Hey Y_B It's a vicious circle, you feel bad, you feel bad for feeling bad and it looks like nothing will help. I believe there is someone out their for everyone. They just need to find you or the other way round. Have patience my friend I think about GA too when I'm not on GA. These people are my life, my family and GA is home to me.

 

Thank you for your supoportive words W_L, We all need an ear sometimes, or a shoulder to cry on, and even to shout at. Thank you

 

As for me, I'm up right now, I dont know how long it will last. But I'm enjoying it anyway. all

[Breeze]

HI all...Hope everyone is having a great weekend so far. here in Canada its the long weekend, Victoria Day. SO I have this weekend ahead of me. I have no plans, beyond, reading some books, taking myself for coffee to a Timmies and enjoying the sunshine...YAY!! Oh yeah and watching the all star race for NASCAR on tv

 

( I love Nascar)

Edited May 19, 2012 by Breeze

[Mark92]

Glad to here you're going to enjoy a lazy weekend I watch the odd grand prix, I dont really know about nascar Have fun

 

 

Hugs all round

[Yettie One]

Nice to meet you Yettie I'm from Yorkshire too. The North Yorkshire Moors. Telling anyone you're diagnosed with depression is pretty hard. People are hard faced and say what they mean around these parts. Not all understand. I hope you get the best help you need. And more importantly that it works

 

Thanks Mark.

 

It is hard. Um if I am honest I'd never really considered depression as anything deserving of much attention. I'd heard about it, but it just seemed to be something people talked about and suffered when they didn't like themselves.

 

How stupid was I?

 

I've got a lot to learn. Reading some of the stuff here was an eye opener. It is frightening when you realise how quietly it creeps up on you. I've always wondered how people could take their own lives, and now for the first time in my life I can understand.

 

Yeah like you I hope this works mate, coz I don't wanna end up just another one of those statistics.

[Zolia Lily]

Yettie, I'm another someone it kind of crept up on, but I pretty much guessed what it was and was too afraid to even mention it to anyone until it all came out...

It really is something that does creep up on you, so slowly that you think it's normal. But now that you know, you're one up on IT and you can start to work towards NOT being one of those statistics rather than continuing to let it suck you down all unsuspecting....

Trying to talk to people about it was one of the hardest things ever for me - I hope you find support and strength with us here whenever you need it.

Lily

[Mark92]

Hey Yettie, We all come here to have a rant, vent or just open our souls. We have all improved a little i think.

 

Lily!!! You have your internet back YAY !!!!! Hope your feeling better now

[Zolia Lily]

Internet is back! Feeling good in myself, buuuuut.... essentially my body hates me. My stomach is finally feeling normal for the first time in more than 18 months, but moving house involved a bed bug infestation (ew. I know. I hate our landlord already) which resulted in some pretty huge allergic reactions on my part and then cellulitis (again) and MASSIVE doses of antibiotics, and now they're gone i have a cold which has turned into Laryngitis and have no voice. My colleague mas diagnosed me with an illness she calls "runtism". Seriously - no modern medicine and i would be dead. Survival of the fittest this isn't..... ha ha ha GREAT to be back though

[Yettie One]

I hope you find support and strength with us here whenever you need it.

Lily

 

Hi Lily

I totally get what you mean by it being hard. It's almost like admitting that your too weak to do something on your own, and I've always been kinda stubborn about being able to deal with stuff on my own.

Times change, and I have to adjust to being more ready to share and talk about this stuff, but as Mark says, I've found an outlet to vent in a way, and am meeting some good people along the way. It's nice to know that someone cares, even if that someone is a total stranger right now, but every friend you make was once a stranger, so this is a good thing in my opinion. Maybe this is the way that we all reach out and support and strengthen each other.

 

Thanks Mark. Your an ikle gem mate.

[Mark92]

LOLYettie, not so much of the ickle, i'm taller than you

 

 

Awww Lily hope you get well soon

I'm trying to tackle one issue at a time right now, baby steps everyone tells me. And yeah its hard, because I also have a farm to run and animals and people to look after, and keep my Stuby happy too. It's a juggling act, I'm not always winning.

 

hugs all

[Zolia Lily]

Ickle maybe not, but gem all the same, Marky.

Juggling can be hard - just don't drop the balls

No seriously. As long as you're holding up ok. Sometimes i think it's actually better to be busy. Routine and things to do keep me sane, sometimes....

[Yettie One]

Totally agree Lilly on all points.

 

Having something to concentrate on and feel good about doing is important. Also knowing you have people/animals relying on you for me at least creates some sort of responsibility to not let them down, and a reason to fight on.

 

LOL, ok taller maybe, but still an ikle gem in my mind Mark hehe.

 

Actually realising that there are some really genuine and proper nice peeps on here. Thanks to everyone that's messaged, for your encouragement and support. Might not be said enough, and you may not realise it, but it means the world to a lot of us.

[K.C.]

Today has been a difficult day for me. I usually put on my happy smiley face because it makes everyone else feel better. 2 months today…I feel her absence more and more each day. I keep getting this panic, that she needs me, but she doesn’t.

 

It’s weird, I was forced to leave home so early and struggled with this love/hate relationship with my mom for so many years… that really developed into a love/hate relationship with myself. I know people depend on me, but some days I feel like slipping away. There is a crack in my smile that grows bigger. I’m afraid of people looking too close because they will see the real me.

[comicfan]

Lily - Am glad you are back. Sorry to hear about the health issues but glad to see you smile.

 

Yettie - Everyone needs help sometimes. Glad to see you can reach out to help as well as be helped.

 

Mark - The people in your life are more interested in you doing well. The animals and farm need you. Stu, well if you two had your way there would be two gents with really big smiles all the time. Until then just work on taking the steps you need to make sure you are happy.

 

KC - Of all the people I have ever met you try harder than anyone to reach out to those around you. Part of being a nurse is the desire to help. However, you forget that doctors and nurses make the worst patients. Trust me if the smile breaks, those who see the real you will simply reach out to help you and hug you. I was luckier than most in here. I had a good relationship with my mother. However I have a relationship with my father that can be described as gasoline and fire. We feed off the worst of each other. The only thing I can tell you is time is a great equalizer. What is as sharp as knife now dulls over time. You don't forget but it is never as sharp. However there are painful reminders. Honestly, the first year is the worst. Just hang in there, remember those memories you share with your loved ones, and no one who ever lived is truly gone as long as they live on in the hearts and memories of those that loved them.