That four letter word & its implications.

[BeysJoshersLepton V2]

I ask you all your opinion because of; anonymity, distance, perspective and variance, The question is one I thought suited poets, writers, readers, those who have lived or felt it. 

 

I've known my boyfriend for 5 months (on Sunday) and on Sunday night he told me he loved me. I said "how happy I was that I was with someone who was so confident and so sure about themselves that you know so soon, but I'm just not ready to say it and when I do I want to be 100% sure".

 

It upsets me deeply that I don't think I feel it yet when in the past those I have felt it for have been instantaneous though unrequited (two occasions). It frustrates me because I fear that unless I say it back he'll feel I don't care for him at all. It confuses me because of the implications if I do and that unrequited love is separate from mutual love.

 

There aren't enough adjectives to describe how amazing he is and if I could force myself to feel what I thought was love in the past I would but it doesn't feel the same. He keeps saying it and I feel really mean not being able to say it back as I'm not going to until I'm sure. There's only so many ways to rephrase what I said on Sunday and I Han Soloed him this evening on the phone, I felt like such an ass, he said "what do I have to do, why are you scared to say it". I just had to explain "it isn't something I can force and I won't lie to you" (he knows more about me than my best friends for heavens sake)

 

We talk every day, I miss him terribly if I haven't heard from him or aren't with him, we're so different and similar it's maddeningly perfect yet imperfect. I'm analysing what I've written so far and am typing aloud.

 

"It confuses me because of the implications if I do and that unrequited love is separate from mutual love. There aren't enough adjectives to describe how amazing he is and if I could force myself to feel what I thought was love in the past I would but it doesn't feel the same." - This is what jumps out at me, why am I comparing it, why must he be the same or measure up to what my preconceived notions are. What, am I waiting for it to evolve? Get better, deepen? What if it doesn't? Would it be enough?

 

My love life is the one area that I've always been introspectively blind (in therapy sessions to build up hours to accredit my future Msc/Phd & to be on the other side of the chair for the power differential). I have additional thoughts but I don't know if there constructive, power differentials within the relationship (which all relationships have on one level). Life stages (he came out because of me, loves me, yet still feels odd with the boyfriend title). I just don't know anymore, he's so expressive with his emotions so open and full of life and feels them so strongly and deeply. 

 

Whilst I feel comparatively i'm very tactile in how I display affections, mannerisms I reserve for family I've noticed I now do for him. I'm very reserved and it would take something to make me apoplectic to loose my temper. He makes me so happy and I want to rationalise the impossible; I just don't want my unwillingness not inability to say it push him away. (I often write silly notes like these for myself on an evening if we're not together but wanted to see in this case what the world thought instead of the bin). 

 

[MJ85]

I wonder if maybe you're over-thinking this, and the result is there's a wall all around you that's keeping your emotions in, and the full effect of what he means to you out.

[TetRefine]

*sigh* Bro, you are way overthinking this. Love isn't something thats so complicated, and its not something that needs analyzing like you've done here. I think once you start to over-think it, you start to see it as something of an equation that has a definite process and a definite answer. From my experience, its just something that happens to come along and you'll fully realize it when it does. If you don't feel it yet, you don't feel it. It doesn't necessarily mean you never will, but it takes different amounts of time for different people. 

 

Theres obviously something that really gets you about this boy, and that makes you want to be with him. Maybe you don't love him yet, but so what? Its not a race. Maybe you do love him, but your over-analyzing brain shuts that emotion out because it looks at it as an equation and all the facts that you think is required for love may not be there yet. But like I said before, there is no set equation and everything is unique, which makes it impossible to logically analyze "love". 

 

To give you an example, I've been with my fair share of one night stands. I enjoyed the sex part of it but nothing about any of those boys ever intrigued me enough to want to get to know them. When I met my boyfriend, there was something unique that intrigued me enough to want to get to know him more. Now it wasn't love at first sight because that doesn't exist I think, but it was an attachment that set the stage for me to fall in love with him later down the road. I didn't have a set list of things that needed to happen before I could say "I love you". I just sort of realized it as time went on that there was something special and that I really did feel strong enough about him to consider it love. Our love evolved over time though. The love I feel for him now is an entirely different kind of love then the kind I felt for him almost 4 years ago when I first told him I loved him. I think that its natural for love to evolve as your relationship and you as a person change over time and experience. Basically, just stop thinking and worrying about it so much. If he loves you like he really says, he'll be patient enough to wait until you feel comfortable enough saying the same thing back. It'll suck for him, but so is life. Hopefully he's used to sucking (you ) by now....

 

Anyway, I'm no love psychologist and I'm not a person of old age and a laundry list of experiences. But I have been with the same guy for almost 4 years now and I've learned a thing or two about love and how it evolves along the way. Hope I made sense.

[Thorn Wilde]

I don't know, but reading what you've just written about him, that sounds an awful lot like love to me.

[thebrinkoftime]

I love my aunt so much. Ever since she picked me up one afternoon from school to go to our cabin at the lake for the summer with family, and told the kids who were picking on me that she'd beat them up if she saw them being mean to me again, I've had a kind of innocent little boy crush on her.

 

So when the news came that my uncle had died, my father and I were the very first two people from our family to be by her side. After the funeral, my dad had to leave to go back to work, but I stayed with my aunt for two weeks because I had summer vacation off from school. Every day she would ask me if I wanted to go out to dinner or have her cook it. I never really understood why she did. It seemed to me like it would be easier on her to go out to dinner, but for some reason, I always had a feeling I should ask her to cook. She would shrug and start getting dinner ready.

 

One evening, while we were eating she started to talking to me about her relationship with her late husband. She said,

 

"He never once told me he loved me. I would say it to him all the time. I felt like that's what you were supposed to do, be honest and reassure the other person that your feelings hadn't changed, you know?

 

Even when he proposed to me, he didn't say it. He just told me that he wanted me to cook for him every night and the ring was a down payment on a life employment as his personal cook. I was so flattered and laughed so hard at his humor that I couldn't say no. It was a very different time then. The world was so different. We didn't live together until we got married, but every night without fail he would appear at my door and say, 'Is dinner ready?' This was a time when it was set in stone that you went out for drinks with your work colleagues after the day was over and did not come until late. He would always refuse and come to me.

 

One evening he was late to dinner, and there was nobody to answer the phone at work. So I got on the train and went to his job. When I walked into the office, I was relieved to see he was just getting ready to go. I raised my voice to ask him to return with me, when I heard another female voice. I was very afraid then because he was so handsome and so popular with all the ladies. I wondered if I had just promised my life to a man who would never be completely faithful to me.

 

She was trying to convince him to go drinking with her. I could hear what she was saying. 'Your fiance won't mind if you come home a little late.' I became very scared because there was a long pause.

 

Then I heard him say, 'Thank you for your invitation, but I'm afraid the truth of the matter is that I'd rather eat with her.' I felt so relieved and I went to the front of the building to wait for him. He was very happy to see me waiting there for him.

 

He turned and said, 'I hope dinner hasn't gotten cold.' I assured him we could always warm it up with the new microwave he had bought me. It was the first time I'd ever had a microwave in a house.

 

All the time we were married, even on our anniversaries and vacations together, he never told me he loved me. But he would always be home for dinner and always compliment my cooking. When we were on vacation, and I asked if the food was good, the answer was always, always the same, 'Not as good as your food, but it will do.' I loved to cook for him. I suppose it isn't very progressive and not what modern ladies are supposed to do, I suppose I should have been strong and firm and insist he be more upront with me, but somehow it never mattered and I loved him anyway."

 

So of course I made sure to be on time for dinner every night I stayed with her and I think she appreciated it, because when it was time for me to go, I asked her to send me pictures of her wonderful cooking every night so I wouldn't be lonely even when I had to eat cup ramen or just a yogurt for dinner. She agreed to do so. 

 

To this day, every evening I get an e-mail with a picture of what she cooked that night and I always make sure to reply, saying, "It was delicious."

[Cia]

My husband and I aren't overly 'I love you' saying types. We met when I was 16 and it only took us both 3 months to say it and mean it. That was about 16 years ago. It's not that encompassing, heart racing, can't live without saying all day every day, my body aches when we're apart because I want you so bad feeling. That's more obsession and lust than love, especially when it is one sided. Love can be a quiet bit of comfort just knowing that the other person knows you better than just about anyone and they choose to spend their time with you anyway. They're the person you'd want to be with, if you could be around just one person. They make the day better just putting their arms around you and spending time with you.

 

I write romance and yeah, sometimes it's dramatic and all-encompassing, but I think that books and movies have a habit of giving people a false expectation on how they are supposed to realize they are in love. What you describe is how I feel about my husband, and well... like I said, 16 years together doesn't lie. All that being said, don't force it. Don't let him pressure you and don't say what you don't mean.

 

However, have you tried telling him all that jazz about how you feel about him instead?

[rustle]

Love is a fraught word.

 

Do you like to spend time together? Is it your favorite thing? Is he? Are you holding him at arm's length, or is he deep inside your embrace? Do you crave his company, his words, his touch?

 

Josh, babe, part of love is throwing caution to the winds, and giving yourself fully to your partner. Until you're able to say the words, you're riding with training wheels. The longer you do that, the tougher it becomes to take them off the bike.

 

Take this wrench, and hold it for a minute.

 

Do you want him? It sounds like he's a keeper, but DO. YOU. WANT. HIM?

 

At some point, he's going to want to ride into the sunset, and he wants you to ride with him. But those damn training wheels aren't suited for a long ride. Sure, you may turn to the west and start out together, but that road is going to twist and turn, and training wheels won't let you bank into the curves. Before long, one of you is going to get frustrated with those damn training wheels. Are you going to break down 'cause you can't keep up, or is he going to grow impatient 'cause he's having to constantly hit the brakes?

 

You still got that wrench I gave you? Good. Hang on to it for a while longer.

 

When you take the training wheels off, you may fall at some point. Maybe more than once. But once you get the hang of it, it's gonna feel incredible to zip along, the wind in your face, and your heart in your throat. You're gonna know what it feels like to be free.

 

Besides, ya know what? If you fall, he's gonna probably be there. You can't decide whether or not to love somebody, but you can decide to trust him. That's a choice.

 

You're an introspective guy, going into the mental health care field. Do you not recognize a watershed moment? A time for a life-affirming decision?

 

Whatcha gonna do, babe? You gonna trust him? If not him, you EVAH gonna trust ANYBODY?

 

Three little words. You've even admitted you're not sure what they really mean. Your words, and your word, really only have the meaning that you give to them. It's up to you to define love, by living it.

 

So, Joshie, are you gonna just sit there with your thumb up your butt, put the wrench down and walk away, knowing you may never have the courage to pick it up again, or are you gonna take off the training wheels?

 

It's a beautiful day, Why don't you go for a ride?

Edited September 12, 2013 by rustle

[Slytherin]

I wish I could "like" what Rustle said  thousands times ! WOW !  Beautifully written and it says it all !

[BeysJoshersLepton V2]

Thank you all for your thoughts and stories, I most certainly agree I do have a "tendency" (Massive habit...) to over think or analyse things! I'm glad I opened this note out to public thought, as I said most just go in the bin at the end of the night and things always look brighter at the dawn of a new day compared to when I'm scribbling at the desk. In this case I think I will tell my brain to take a vacation, it's funny though Rustle your road metaphor it's how I think of relationships. Joining someone else on their road or combining them so to speak, though I never learnt to ride a bike but I do trust him and I know he trusts me. So I may suggest one of those double passenger bikes this evening in London rather than the tube. 

[rustle]

[Sasha Distan]

I told Cris I loved him pretty much the second i realised that i could not live without him.

 

I second the opinions that what you write really sounds like you love him, and i think you might be over thinking this. as an empath i understand that i am very sensitive and reactive of others emotions, but i think you should just tell him how you feel, even if you don't use the four letter word. there are plenty of others.

[Warrior1]

The initial feeling of what we call love is to me, hormonal, and is better called infatuation. It is when you really stay with a person, puts up with all his shits and heputs up with all your problems, when you want to stay with a person with all his problems -- that's LOVE.

Also, no point in overanalysing it as someone said. These emotional issues are difficult to define (and even understand), and that's precisely is the reason why love gets to be soo much discussed. It's a beautiful thing, one understand when one is really 'in' it.

[Celethiel]

eh there are a lot of four letter words... including Fate...

[rustle]

eh there are a lot of four letter words... including Fate...

 

I can think of several. Some are even polite.

[Celethiel]

I can think of several. Some are even polite.

exactly.

[obscene cupcake]

Love is when, when you don't talk to a person for a day  you find yourself missing them and wanting to text them about things. Love is very comfortable. It's almost unnoticeable. It's hard as fuck to do. The only way to make it work is by being tactful but still honest honest honest. If you know you treated your bf wrong, and you ave no excuse, admit it. "I was feeling pissy, and I knew saying this would hurt you, so I did. I'm sorry." Be honest about what embarrasses you "I got irrationally jealous of that person you commented on at deviantart. I don't make sense to myself sometimes." Love is trusting a person to love you at your grossest, "I got athletes foot and there is a blister in my ass crack from my work pants."

 

It isn't like what the books say. and it's hard as fuck, and painful as fuck, and being in love sometimes mean you forgive things with that person that you wouldn't put up with out of anyone else. "The way I figure it, we are in love. Therefore we are allowed to be asshole idiots 1,000 times."

 

I dunno if I'd jump in front of a bullet for the person I love. I'm pretty sure my first instinct would be to just get the fuck on teh ground away from the bullet, rather than to jump in front of the dangerous thing. 

 

 

Love is when you find a person you can imagine being happy growing old with. For me, it's having someone who won't mind if when I turn 40 I say I want us to start sharing to spice things up in teh bedroom. For me, love means that when I dream at night I don't want to fantasize about some generic perfect man, because I already have someone who is even better than that despite not being perfect. 

 

Love doesn't mean I don't sometimes fantasize about the dream man I had in mind when I was 14, but that I yearn less for that, because I keep finding myself happy.

 

Love also really sucks and there is lots of tears involved and hearatache and fuckups and breakups. 

 

Love means that I can tell my boyfriend something horrible and know he will still love me. "I want to adopt rather than have a baby with you, because I am afraid any baby we have would have your black (race, not color) hair, and I don't want to deal with black girl hair. Also, I think pale skin is really cute."

 

Love means coming to terms with the fact that I can't be as vain as I want to be, because I know that I could be 1,000lbs and he'd still find me as sexy as he does today. Love means coming to grudging terms with the fact that he sees me as my personality, and thus I can get him hard from just a hug, and he thinks I look sexy, and he'll always think I look sexy. THIS SUCKS IN A WAY. 

 

 

Sorry for any mistakes it's 6am and I haven't had any sleep.

 

Um love is being able to admit that sometimes you want time apart and you enjoy that time apart, but knowing that if the time lasts too long you'll go crazy. I could not last a week without talking to my baby. I talk to him every night, actually, on skype. 

 

 

Love sometimes means, for me, not getting as much sex as I want. My boyfriend lives an hour away. Recently I've started cybering because I missed human interaction. He knows about this. Love means him being honest and admitting after my badgering that it bothers him a little because he worries about me meeting them and liking them more than him... but that mostly he is fine with it.

 

Love means that even when he sees you at your worst he will still stay with you. I'm a complete total bitch and spaz and my emotions get the better of me when I am angry. HE's still here, unbelievably.

 

Love means that that person will be able to hurt you more than anyone else.

 

Love means that sometimes you feel like you cannot possibly work and you will eventually break up because some day your tempers are going to clash too hard, and love means AT THE SAME TIME that the person becomes a part of you and you cannot imagine anything that could ever break your bond.

 

Love means that if you ever feel like you are doing something your partner won't like such as lusting after one person in particular, that you admit your guilty feelings to your partner.

 

 

LOVE IS HARD BECAUSE WE ARE HUMAN. 

 

and love is comfortable. It isn't fireworks. The instantaneous fireworks love has been scientifically proven to not last as long as the slow love. Seriously this is a freaking fact. Of course, everyone is different.

 

Love is calm and slow and like a warm blanket. 

 

Love is contentment. 

 

Love is knowing that sometimes you want to spice things up and you are feeling bored, and telling your partner. Telling your partner if you feel neglected, or like things are going stale. Telling them your worries about your relationship. talking and talking and feeling and holding. 

 

I could keep going, but I have to sleep. But it sounds like you are already in love. Still, don't say so until you are sure. Maybe show them this thread. 

Edited October 15, 2013 by obscene cupcake