.hack//escape

[BillM]

I just wrote my first chapter for a story. It's titled .Hack//Escape and I need honest opinions on it.

 

Link is: http://nifty.nisusnet.com/nifty/gay/sf-fantasy/hack-escape

 

Thanks!

Edited December 25, 2003 by -{BM}-

[gottalme508]

Hmmm... so many feelings! :wacko:

Well, first of all, awesome. Just great!

At first I thought that the relationship that sparked in the locker room was too sudden, too... rash. But then when I finished reading it made sense because that was just some information as to why the Protagonist suffered so much. I was going to say "give more info about the relationships." But it makes sense now. Chapter one is kinda like a prologue.

Also, thank you for the description of "The World." It helps some of us who have NO idea what it is.

This is just a weird suggestion that I have no idea why I though of: "When you're describing Jim in the first paragraph, I think it would be nice to mention some bruises or something. I dunno, I think it would fit in nicely."

It poped in my mind, I thought I should share. At any rate, awesome story, please keep writting!

 

~P

[Sparhawk]

Very good start. This should be a interesting story. If you would like a little editing done ask here on the board, there are several of us here that will give you a hand.

 

[BillM]

Thanks for the comments everyone. I just posted the next chapter on Nifty and Com's Library (Dunno when they'll actually be up). Thanks to Sparhawk for the editing offers!!!

[gottalme508]

This is off topic, I know, sorry!

I ordered the first DVD set of .hack//escape.

The idea was so cool that I just couldn't resist! Thx for passing on the good anime!

 

~P

[Guest Keegan]

it looks pretty cool so far.

[BillM]

I ordered the first DVD set of .hack//escape.

 

I made up the name hack escape. I think you mean .hack//sign, .hack//dusk or .hack//liminality

 

But yeah, it is an awsome anime, one of my favorites

[gottalme508]

You're right, I just got caught up in the story.

[moonwolf]

A great start, a proper intro, you did not go too fast, nor too slow, it's great.

 

One minor detail. In the first sentence of the 1st chapter, (My name is Jim and I'm a fourteen year old boy who lives in Detroit), I don't know of any girl called Jim !!!

So why say that he's a boy. Don't worry though it's not bad, it's just odd in a way.

 

The rest it's good, nah not true it's great

 

Keep it up

 

moonwolf

[Sparhawk]

Yepsir, This looks to be a good one. Keep this up and I think that you will have a Winner

 

Good job!

[James Bond]

One minor detail. In the first sentence of the 1st chapter, (My name is Jim and I'm a fourteen year old boy who lives in Detroit), I don't know of any girl called Jim !!!

So why say that he's a boy.

I tend to disagree with Moonwolf on this.

No, I don't know of any girls named Jim either, but there are so many countries, languages and nicknames, that it's not a certainty that Jim is a boy's name.

Besides, it also tells something of the boy's mindset. Does he consider himself a boy, a kid, a teenager or a man? At 14, that's not a certainty...

 

Haven't read the story yet, so I can't comment on it (hadn't actually downloaded it yet, a failure soon to be fixed ).

[drf]

i like it keep up the good work

danny

[Forloyn]

It is now 4 hours past the time I should have went to bed, but it was a four hours well spent.

 

now I won't wast space just saying good job nice story want more, cuse thats a given, after all I just read it all in one sitting.

 

however I will as some qustions. like where is that .hack website... wanna learn more about this 'The World'.

 

and 2nd why not just drink the potion? I mean I might be dense but bring a potion up and saying drink or whatever (short turm memery? whats that?) when you can bring it to your lips and just have your vurtule self drink the vurtule potion? but then that might be a .hack think like I said I know nothing of the world.

 

I think that is enough of my rableing for now. don't forget to pm me with with webadress, I'll be waiting for it

[BillM]

I'm not sure about the dothack games but I saw the 'use potion' thing in fansub episodes I have of .Hack//Dusk

 

'short turm memery'. Did I mispell this somewhere? Could you tell me where so I can fix it?

 

And I've pm'd the address to ya

[Ghost]

I think that should be "short term memory"

[BillM]

I know that , I just wanna know where I mispelled so I can fix it.

[Forloyn]

I'm not sure about the dothack games but I saw the 'use potion' thing in fansub episodes I have of .Hack//Dusk

 

'short turm memery'. Did I mispell this somewhere? Could you tell me where so I can fix it?

 

And I've pm'd the address to ya 

I was just jokeing at my own inability to remember things.

[BillM]

Ok, cool.

[Forloyn]

I'll just revive this dead topic to let you all know the last chapter was of corse brillant and I am once again waiting for the next one!

 

:2hands:

 

It defenitly wasent what I expected! and thats a good thing

[BillM]

Ta for the compliments Forloyn , I'll try and get the next chapter out ASAP

[miguelsanchez55]

Hey BM,

You have a great story here. I have to agree with Forloyn that this story wasn't what I expected. You've done a woderful job with the characters and the sex is done in very good taste.

 

It's a must

 

Take care,

Mike :sword:

[BillM]

Awww... Thanks miguelsanchez55, it's the feedback from readers that keeps me writing, thanks everyone!

[miguelsanchez55]

No problem and I can't wait for the next chapter. and you guys can just call me Mike.

 

Take care,

Mike :sword:

[Forloyn]

heh yea BM where is that next chapter!

[BillM]

Ummm... working on it (I'm not actually, too drunk)