[DomLuka] I really don't have any other outlet for this...

[Narcidius]

.............................

Edited June 15, 2006 by Narcidius

[dkstories]

Coming out is never an easy thing...congrats on taking that step.

 

One thing I've stated before, and I'll keep on saying, is that deciding how much to come out, and to whom, is a decision that only you can make. I do recommend giving it a lot of thought as to how to approach it, do you let them just find out, or do you tell them?

 

You know your family best...eventually they're going to have to deal with the 'you' they assumed they knew, and the real you. I know the 'carrying on the family name' pressures you're describing, and what I hope you might realize is that it is their expectations, their hopes, but it is YOUR life. You must make the decisions for your life, and frankly, your hopes, your dreams should have a priority of their own for your life. You can share those hopes and dreams with others, but subsuming yourself to the hopes and dreams of others is most often unhealthy.

[celloandy]

Yeah, I know what you mean about the whole Facebook thing. A fair number of my friends know about me, but I haven't yet worked up the guts to actually list something on my Facebook (that section is blank at present). There are just so many people that would be able to read it, and if it got back to my parents, bad things would happen. I'm from a religious family, too, only mine are Mormon, so, as you might imagine, they probably wouldn't respond well.

 

Andrew

[Xandra Kitee]

I'm from a catholic family

I'm filipino (very conservative)

I'm the only son ... and my relatives always tell me about how my dad was so happy on the day i was born cause he finally has a son.. two girls came before me.. but my dad wanted a son.. simply because he wants me to pass on our last name.. It's a very big deal where I came from.. believe me. After me, my parents didn't want another baby.. they were content. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't hate me if they find out I'm gay.. but it's the dissapoinment I'll be bringing them that worries me. It makes me very guilty. Not alot of pressure.. eh?

Don't bury your family name just yet. You're still young and there's no telling how much things will change in the next 20 years. As long as the reason is not that you simply don't want, there's many ways other than going back in the closet and marrying a girl, so who knows ?

 

You'll only be responsible for that "disappointment" if you willfully choose not to have children (and pass on the name). If you can't, that's another story altogether.

 

Some things can't be helped and there's no point dwelling on them and feeling guilty about them. Not to mention that if you do take that decision, as DK said, it's yours to make to begin with. You just owe certain things to yourself before anybody else.

 

Anyway, You'll be a better son if you care for your parents and take care of them like they deserved it than if you meet EVERY of their expectations sometimes against your true self (and don't talk to me about doing both perfectly unless you're not human ^^).

[NaperVic]

I'm from a catholic family

I'm filipino (very conservative)

I'm the only son ... and my relatives always tell me about how my dad was so happy on the day i was born cause he finally has a son.. two girls came before me.. but my dad wanted a son.. simply because he wants me to pass on our last name.. It's a very big deal where I came from.. believe me. After me, my parents didn't want another baby.. they were content. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't hate me if they find out I'm gay.. but it's the dissapoinment I'll be bringing them that worries me. It makes me very guilty. Not alot of pressure.. eh?

 

-Lawrence

 

Hey Lawrence, what a very brave & scary thing to do! I was in a very similar boat as you are in. I'm Filipino, was raised catholic, and while I'm not an only son, I was considered the 'only' hope of carrying on the family name (I have an older brother, who's been the black sheep of the family, who at 40yo still lives with my folks . I was the 'good' son. ).

 

When I first told my folks I was gay, they were very dissappointed (my dad even made asked me if I could suppress those feelings ) and I was crying. After about 10 minutes of talking, they admitted that they pretty much knew I was gay since I was a teenager (I came out when I was 27yo), but that they still loved me. They didn't disown me, and that to me was a good step. Over time, they have come to accept me and my partner Bill as part of the family. When my folks took the family on a cruise, of course Bill was invited and they got us our own cabin .

 

What I discovered was that the more I accepted myself (and my gayness), the easier it was for them to accept it. I'm sure they went through similar things, like when their friends asked how 'Vic' was doing. How much do they say? Do they admit that they have a gay son? When I was first out to just the family and close friends, I was still 'reserved' at parties with family friends. But later I decided that I was still hiding and people either liked me for who I am or not.

 

Most of my parents family friends know and are very accepting. There's just one set of 'Tito & Tita' (not real aunt and uncle, but you know what I mean), that didn't respond well when I introduced Bill as my partner. My siblings and cousins didn't take too kindly at that and they been pretty much been blown off since. The message being 'If you can't accept Bill and Vic, don't expect to see us around'.

 

I didn't write all this to say this is the same experience you will go through. But I did want to say that it is possible that it might turn out OK.

 

But Dan (Dkstories) had good advice. You choose who, when, and how much to come out to people. I was independent (had a job and out of college) when I came out.

 

With your Facebook profile, you may be outing yourself to people you are not ready for. But then again, by being brave you give hope to other young closeted gays who might come across it . And who knows, maybe some future Dates .

 

Anyhow, congrats again. No matter what happens, know that there are people here at GA who support you! Feel free to PM too if you have any questions that you don't want to post.

 

Take Care®,

 

Vic

[TheZot]

Isn't family fun?

 

Congrats on standing up for yourself. That can be amazingly difficult, something that takes some people a very long time to do, if they ever manage.

 

You certainly know your family better than we do, and have a better idea of how they'll react (though families can surprise you in very pleasant ways), so it's worth thinking about the things that might be a problem when you tell 'em. From what you've said, I'd bet you've got the twin "family name" and "kids" things hanging over you.

 

Do you want kids? Yeah, I know, you're young and all, but I knew I wanted kids when I was in high school, long before I gave any thought to who I'd have 'em with, so it's not too soon to think about. There's a knee-jerk "gay = no kids" reaction that a lot of people, gay and straight, have, but that just doesn't have to be the case. I certainly wouldn't recommend marrying a woman if you do (I would actually recommend finding a nice guy, settling down, and getting married, but I'm kinda traditional that way) but there are a number of different ways to have kids. Sure, it's more problematic, but definitely doable.

 

If you want kids, the family name thing actually becomes easier. You wouldn't necessarily want to hold it over 'em (You know, "I want kids, but they don't have to have my name..." type stuff) but it is there as a handy retort. On the other hand it may not be necessary, and that'd be cool too.

 

However it goes, good luck.

 

-Dan

[TalonRider]

As it's already been stated, only you can know your family and when it will be the right time to tell them.

 

I am one of the lucky one's when it comes to family. In 1984 when my boyfriend of 2 years killed himself in the house we shared, my family was very supportive. I've never in all these years heard of my siblings, or parents say anything bad. If they disagree with my life style, they keep it to themselves.

 

I moved from Indiana to Pennsylvaina a number of years ago for a job. My mother always wanted me to move back, I was too far away from her.

 

So each family is different. And I wish you well and good luck.

 

Jan

[Narcidius]

Thank you guys for the input. Sorry if it took me a while to respond. Things are still the same. But right now I'm living away from my parents. It's pretty fun. Time will come and I'd be able to do what I have to do. And oh, I deleted the message. It was coming out on google. I guess that explains it enough, eh?

 

Thanks again guys!

[NaperVic]

And oh, I deleted the message. It was coming out on google. I guess that explains it enough, eh?

 

 

OMG! I just googled Domaholic and two of my posts came up on top!

 

Yikes!

 

Vic

 

P.S. - hmmm, seems like other people used the word Domaholic before we did (and they weren't refering to Domluka stories )

 

Well, at least Domluka Domaholic came out on the top 2

[Narcidius]

lol googling is fun.. and kinda scary at the same time. o.o

[Guest Running Through Blind]

all things considered. for me i think that honesty is the most important thing in facing this issue.

 

I have a friend who's mother had just died of cancer after waiting for years to finally be reunited with her daughter in canada. just before she died she made my parents promise to help find her daughter a husband so that she could rest easily knowing her daughter was secure. she died before her daughter was married.

 

my parents made a few suggest but none of them took. she did finally meet a guy though. he seemed perfect. swept her off her feet, etc. here's the twist. the guy was gay. but he lied and decieved her. part way through the marriage, a few months in, she got pregnant. she was happy, but then she found on his e-mail that he'd been corresponding and meeting up with random guys to have sex with, unprotected. and not just a small number but a good number.

 

here she was, in a relationship where she was an excuse, or a cover. She was in danger of having a disease and more terribly, her baby was in danger as well. luckily she tested negative for anything and her baby was fine, but she left the marriage asap. and left the country.

 

in the end the guy was dishonest, married her to keep his family happy so that he could continue having flings, but in the end really made the other persons life a mess. It was tough for my friend and she's ok now but it took a lot to get over it.

 

moral of the story, i guess, doing whats expected of you can be unfair to yourself and others and can hurt a lot of people in the end. And a lot of the time, the right decisions will be the harder ones with tougher consequences.

[Tony]

Narcidius, I don't know if someone has already said this, but there's no point in feeling guilty about your identity. The longer you feel guilty about it, the more you reject the fact that you can't change the way you are, and the way you love. If my mother gave birth to a blue-eyed baby, and its eyes turned brown after four years, it wouldn't be fair of my mom to be disappointed in that baby.

In my opinion, I think you should tell your parents the truth. Being truthful to your parents is more important than anything else, especially if you don't think they would get angry or anything.

Besides, there's plenty of ways to pass on your family line if you're gay =D Apparently, you can get a girl pregnant just by inserting a finger with semen on it *) So don't worry, you're still a perfectly healthy, normal kid, capable of reproducing and everything, and there's no reason for anyone to be disappointed in you. Kay?

Good luck with whatever you decide!

 

Lots of hugs ,

Tony

 

 

[Tim the Traveller]

lol googling is fun.. and kinda scary at the same time. o.o

 

I know--I googled Tim the Slut and 2 of my blog entries are the first 2 things that pop up But Tim TS has nothing yet