A Marraige Saved By Honesty

[W_L]

This is an amazing story:

 

Imagine this, a woman married for 20 years with kids gets told by her loving husband that he has been having sex on the side with men and is bisexual.

 

First reaction, shock

 

Second reaction, jealousy

 

Then...she opens up the marriage, she experiments with others, they also have threesomes with guys, and their marrigae is safe or so the news story goes.

 

https://www.queerty.com/wife-discovers-husband-sleeping-guys-happens-next-may-surprise-20161004

 

It's a different twist on the old story of closeted gay and bi men, maybe this will be the new normal, at least for more open minded people. (Hope that the closeted guys on GA can take this as a hopeful story for reconciling their marriages and still be true to themselves).

 

In the end, I think honesty saved this marriage along with an open mind by both people.

Edited October 5, 2016 by W_L

[Mikiesboy]

This is an amazing story:

 

Imagine this, a woman married for 20 years with kids gets told by her loving husband that he has been having sex on the side with men and is bisexual.

 

First reaction, shock

 

Second reaction, jealousy

 

Then...she opens up the marriage, she experiments with others, they also have threesomes with guys, and their marrigae is safe or so the news story goes.

 

https://www.queerty.com/wife-discovers-husband-sleeping-guys-happens-next-may-surprise-20161004

 

It's a different twist on the old story of closeted gay and bi men, maybe this will be the new normal, at least for more open minded people. (Hope that the closeted guys on GA can take this as a hopeful story for reconciling their marriages and still be true to themselves).

 

In the end, I think honesty saved this marriage along with an open mind by both people.

I agree with you. Whatever works for you  and your partner(s).  It's not my place or anyone's to judge. Happiness and families come in all shapes and sizes. 

[Graeme]

If only it were that simple...

 

As a married man with children who came out to his wife and whose marriage has survived for more than 12 years since I did so, I can say with some authority that it takes someone special for that to happen.

 

Every relationship relies on compromise. A relationship where one party doesn't compromise is one-sided, because the other party is doing all the work to keep them together. When my wife was undergoing counseling after I came out to her, her counselor warned her that if she wanted to keep her marriage together she would have to compromise...but the danger was compromising herself out of existence. She needed to work out what boundaries she would accept and what actions would cross those boundaries and be unacceptable.

 

For my wife, the boundary was clear: I needed to stay true to my marriage vow of monogamy. That's a boundary that I've accepted. No threesomes, no boyfriend on the side, none of that sort of thing. On her side, she accepted that I needed an outlet and that outlet is the Internet and my writing. She doesn't just tolerate what I do online, she supports it. She's read most of what I've written and commented on early versions at times to make them stronger. I've had readers comment that I have strong female characters in my stories. They can thank my wife for that

 

Sadly, finding an acceptable compromise to keep a marriage together is difficult. I found out after I came out to my wife that 90% of marriages where one partner comes out fail. I'm one of the lucky 10%. At the time, I was assisted by two other married men in a similar situation -- both of their marriages failed. Their wives couldn't accept that they were gay. Since I know the struggles my own wife went through to accept it, I can appreciate why it was difficult for them to do so. There was pain experienced by all concerned, with little in the way of good news to counter that pain.

 

There's an old book called Uncommon Lives by Catherine Whitney about people like the couple in the story. It was one of the books that was recommended to my wife by her counselor, but the level of compromise that those women have agreed to was more than my wife was willing to do. It's not for everyone. It's not a question of honesty -- it's a question of personal self-worth and integrity. Some people...maybe even most people...aren't willing or able to open up their relationships like that couple did.

 

Where honesty comes into play, though, is that a couple in that situation need to talk. They can't hide away or pretend it's not happening. My wife's counselor made it quite clear to her what could happen, up to and including talking about anonymous sex in toilets, etc, and the risk of HIV. She wouldn't let my wife pretend that it couldn't happen. If my wife was going to stay with me (which is what I wanted), then she needed to do so with both eyes open. That's where honesty comes into play. That's where I had to tell her about my sexual encounters with men from before we were married (those anonymous sexual encounters that her counselor had told her about). That's where I told her about how the pressure would build up and I needed a release, because without it I would almost certainly do something stupid and wrong by cheating on her. By being honest with each other, we were able to find a compromise that both of us are happy with.

 

I came out to my wife early 2004. We weren't sure if we would make it to our 15th wedding anniversary. Last year we celebrated our 25th... Mixed orientation marriages can work, but they're not easy and they're prone to failure...and every one that works is unique because in something like this there's no answer that fits everyone., or even most.

[Cia]

*nods* to everything Graeme said. I can't imagine coming out to a partner--much less having it be exposed by infidelity like that article states. That, more than the sexuality, would be an issue for me. I wasn't publicly open about being bisexual when I met my husband, since I was only 16, but I wasn't exactly hiding it and he's always known I am able to appreciate other women--I even point out hot chicks to him--as long as it's looking and not touching. We made a commitment to each other, to a relationship between us, and intimacy beyond that is just not acceptable.

 

Lies always hurt, but somehow, cheating just seems like a way bigger crime than the gender of who you cheat with, and that's what I'd not be able to accept. Relationships are about communication and trust. I suppose, if you're honest with each other from the beginning, having the kind of relationship in that article might happen, but so few would probably make it truly work because just keeping two people balanced in a relationship is hard enough.

 

Oddly enough, me joining GA was more of a threat to him than you'd assume considering I'm a woman and bisexual but most of the members here are men and gay. I think there was a connection to people on the site that he felt he couldn't match because I was so comfortable and open here in ways I hadn't always been in person in regards to being something other than a cis straight woman. Then I was writing stories, about men. Of course they're usually men who want other men, so it's not a reflection on our relationship in any way, but it bothered him. It caused problems and conflict in our marriage because it affected our emotional intimacy in ways we had to spend a lot of time talking about and figuring out how to make each other comfortable.

[wenmale64]

I agree with Graeme and Cia completely.  I have had a few conversations with Graeme about this subject and he has given some VERY good thoughts and advice.  I just had my 23rd anniversary with my wife.  I came out to her about 6 months ago and many emotions flew about for both of us.  Mostly disapointment, shame, fear and wonder for the future.  Without going into story length detail the story is very typical of a teen in the 70-80's.  I grew up in a small conservitive town. Typical rural north west USA.  The wife was a military kid with very little stability as her father was career USAF and moved from base to base.  Anyway, we have talked and understand each others fears, wants and concerns.  We are making it and moving forward with mutual respect and understanding.  DO NOT GET ME WRONG---  it is not easy, it is taking constant work and interaction with each other.  She is worried that I will find someone else to love and leave her, while I am still very scared about getting with a guy for only physical pleasure without feeling I am cheating on my wife.  She has said she understands and will support my needs, but I just don't know.  We have promiced each other to be honest and communicate our feelings and concerns.  This is the best thing we can do.  Another thing is to reinforce the companionship, understanding, love and support of your partner (wife in my case) so that they know you are being true to their fears and needs.  THANKS GRAEME :) .   The botom line is that these situations are fluid and often not obvious in their outcomes.  It takes a VERY special partner to be able to work through this situation.  Procede with honesty, truth and caution and be aware that storybook endings are not guarenteed for any of us.

 

R

[W_L]

A lot of great, honest, and thoughtful responses from Graeme, Cia, and Wenmale64. The news story I shared is merely meant as a rare and hopeful tale in a sea of pitfalls. There are a lot more closeted guys, who cheat on their wives than open marriages or compromised marriages.

 

As an openly gay male, I cannot see myself being involved with a woman and being married for acceptable behavior, but this is a topic that is a big part of being gay or bi, especially for generations and cultures that were part of more conservative environments. In the past, I've dated married man in closet (did not know at the time), but I had to break it off as he was cheating on his wife with me and lied to me about his relationship status.

 

I think you guys and gal were brave, honorable, and in your own ways loving partners to your spouses for revealing this fact about your sexuality to them.

[Sasha Distan]

I think what Graeme said was poignant and beautiful and important.

 

For me, the issue would not have been the orientation, but the cheating. That I could not forgive. Even if your sexuality changes, or someone decides not to live their life with the sexuality they'd pretended was true, going behind your spouse's back is never an acceptable answer. I'd be more understanding of the couple in the article if he'd not cheated, and come out to her, and they'd remained friends (or even lived together for the sake of children/family/etc) but aid their sexual relationship was over.

 

In my universe, cheating on someone is just never OK.

[Graeme]

Unfortunately, it appears that a lot of husbands coming out to their wives is due to being found out after cheating on them. This immediately puts the relationship on rocky ground even before the shock of finding out about the husband's sexual orientation hits. But the orientation is still an issue. My wife's counselor told her about a woman who had been to several counselors about her husband's infidelity, but nothing was resolved because she had never told them the gender of who the husband had had an affair with. That one point matters, because it complicates an already volatile situation.

 

One of the other books recommended by my wife's counselor is an Australian study call She's My Wife, He's Just Sex by Sue Joseph. The title says it all; it's a look at married men who would have anonymous sex on the side. I started reading this one, too, but I couldn't finish it. It scared me too much because I could see myself in the men described in the book. The desire for gay sex, the pressure building up...I understood it too well. That may, to some extent, explain why so many married men are outed by having gay affairs. They start by needing to know, to needing to find out, and then they need the release from time-to-time...and sooner or later they get caught.

 

What I found, though, was by not hiding from my wife, the pressure was reduced. I can remember talking to her after a wedding about wanting to tell my friends that I'm gay, and she said it was okay if I did. That was enough to take off the pressure -- I didn't need to tell them anymore.

[wenmale64]

I agree that cheating on your spouse is the ultimate betrayal.  It is one thing to live the lie and not be honest with your spouse, but it is a whole new level to cheat on them.  When I came out to my wife, after the tears and questions about our future the bigest thing she wanted to know was if I had been with anybody else.  The truthful answer was NO.  This was a slight suprise to her as my best friend is a man that I care for more than I can ever relate to others.  He was and is my rock since junior high school in the mid 70's.  He is the only other person that knows my orientation (only for the past year or so).  He is still my best friend and that was the bigest relief that could have happened.  When I came out to my wife she was sure I was with him and was leaving her.  Not my way. I do still love my wife, I just want to explore what was missed while growing up and she understands this.  I will always be honest with her from now on and while sometimes it is dificult it is a much better way to live.  Bottom line....  NEVER cheat on your partner. It will destroy any respect and trust for both of you.  You will know it, they will suspect it and both will be resentful of themselves and the other.  Never a good ending to that situation.  Honesty and pain is much better than deciet and loathing.......  Just my thoughts. 

 

R

Edited October 8, 2016 by wenmale64

[W_L]

Just to make a point clear:

 

If I were not with my current boyfriend, I would accept a guy who is in an open relationship with his wife as long as all three of us agree to it. It depends on how we feel for each other and our level of interest, but I'm past the storybook romance phase of gay love, you may never get a guy's full mind, body, and soul dedicated to you or vice versa. If you love someone, you accept their flaws and they accept yours, trying not to cause harm to one another in the process.

 

I didn't dump the asshole, because he was married, I dumped him because he was cheating on his wife and lied to me about who he was. A lover is an intimate relationship, it cannot be based on deceit if you want to continue the relationship.

 

For me, the couple in the news story from Queerty and your personal stories here represent what should be sought in complex relationships, you guys were honest with your partners of the opposite sex and were not sneaking behind them to find boyfriends on the side or DL.