Become by york366

[york366]

Just thought I would post my story here and see what people thought of it.

I may post more of my stories later if I get feedback.

 

Become - Chapter 1

Become - Chapter 2

Become - Chapter 3

 

Let me know what you think! Anything at all!

 

Thanks!

Edited January 29, 2007 by york366

[Graeme]

Just thought I would post my story here and see what people thought of it.

Become - Chapter 1

 

I may post more of my stories later if I get feedback.

 

Thanks!

An interesting start, but I was puzzled by the ending. Peter came home mid-afternoon, and it was immediately after that that the strange boy appeared, but when he left the narrator looked at the clock to see it was 'too late for me to be awake still'.

 

We also learnt lots of names, but not the name of the narrator. Emily could easily have mentioned it.

 

Good luck with the rest of the story

 

Graeme

[york366]

An interesting start, but I was puzzled by the ending. Peter came home mid-afternoon, and it was immediately after that that the strange boy appeared, but when he left the narrator looked at the clock to see it was 'too late for me to be awake still'.

 

We also learnt lots of names, but not the name of the narrator. Emily could easily have mentioned it.

 

Good luck with the rest of the story

 

Graeme

 

okay yay! i'm glad you noticed the time difference! it will be important later on. i guess the story is confusing but i think that's the way i want it to be as it reflects the state of mind of the narrator who is a faulty narrator. the story is unconventional so i won't be surprised if some people don't like it. hopefully it will make more sense with some more chapters.

[Ieshwar]

okay yay! i'm glad you noticed the time difference! it will be important later on. i guess the story is confusing but i think that's the way i want it to be as it reflects the state of mind of the narrator who is a faulty narrator. the story is unconventional so i won't be surprised if some people don't like it. hopefully it will make more sense with some more chapters.

 

 

Hi,

 

I just read this new story. It started really well. Mysterious boy I would say. I would like to know more about him.

 

I noticed that the characters wore mostly black and grey clothes. Not complaining, just stating. Is it intentional?

 

Keep going.

 

Ieshwar