TetRefine

The last couple of weeks, my gym here in the city has been under threat of closure. A few months ago, the building was bought by a New York real estate company that has a track record of demolishing older structures and building condos. The building sits right in the heart of the Gayborhood here in Philly, which in turn is located in the heart of Center City. There has been a huge influx of luxury apartments being built the last ten years, like any other big city in America. I guess it was only a matter of time before the Gayborhood succumbed to that. The gym has over 4,000 members, many of whom are gay with strong attachments to the Gayborhood. It serves as a gym, but also a gay social and community center. I've been a member here for the 3.5 years I've lived in the city, and it's been like a second home to me. In those three and a half years, apartments, jobs, boyfriends, fuck-buddies, and friends have all come and gone, but the gym stayed the same and was always there for me. I got to know a lot of people in the scene from this gym, and it's where I first hit on my boyfriend over two years ago (he was terrified of me at first, lol). The point it, it is more then just a gym to thousands of guys, and now it is closing next week for good. After being Philadelphia's gay gym for 3 decades, it's going to be gone forever. And that is genuinely depressing to me. Everyone at the gym is being forced to disperse to multiple other gyms, thus completely diluting the sense of community the place brought. Sigh. Unfortunately, the Gayborhood has been changing a lot since the first time I stepped foot it in in 2010. 3 gay bars have closed in those years, while only one new one has opened. The best gay club in the city, Woody's, has now been overrun with obnoxious straight people and mostly abandoned by the gay guys who made it such a great spot. Voyuer, the popular after hours club across the street, is starting to suffer the same fate, with more and more straight people invading and ruining the things that made it such an amazing place to dance until the wee hours of the morning. Unfortunately, the building that houses the gym also houses another gay bar, Tabu, and 18 other businesses with a strong LGBT focus and clientele. There is also a beautiful mural painted several years ago of Gloria Casarez, a well-known LGBT rights activist from Philadelphia who died several years ago (picture posted below). All of that will be demolished to make way for most likely another luxury high rise, and further water down one of the most fun, unique, and funky neighborhoods of this city. I guess this is a byproduct of gay rights and the gentrification of cities. As we become more mainstreamed, we begin to lose so much of what makes us unique from the generic, mostly bland and boring straight world. I'm not quite sure anymore if it's a price worth paying, because I don't want to become like my straight friends. It's such a pre-determined, mind-numbing path that ends in a suburban track home with 2.2 kids and a hour long commute to a job you hate. No, I want what I had in the beginning and what the older gay guys had back in the day. I don't want to be assimilated anymore. I'm okay with being part of a minority that is different and unique. We've lost so much of that, especially here in Philadelphia, and I'm not sure we'll ever get it back. It's time for me to start looking elsewhere in the world.

As a special education teacher, yes I'd definitely say this is cheating. I work with a lot of kids as well who need different supports when taking tests, but never does it include giving them answers or hints. The supports are supposed to put them on a level playing field with their general education peers, not give them an unfair advantage.

No surprises there....

“Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed” “We may have all come on different ships, but we're in the same boat now.” His words ring especially true for the world now, in 2018.

That's really unfortunate that we basically have to kiss Google's ass (am I allowed to say that?) Not that it's GA's fault, but just really annoying. I remember when I was writing my short-lived story, I got a very angry message about a scene that the reader found disturbing in its content. My reaction: I showed them directly where the 'block user's content' button was. This is sort of like the free market. Don't like the product, vote with your wallet (or in this case, your readership) and don't give them your view. I admire a lot about Europe, but their censorship of speech always irked me, but that is off topic...

People have dangerous, unprotected sex all the time in real life, and more then a lot of people think. You are writing a fiction story I presume, so you really have no obligation to portray the “ideal” or give warning. Your only obligation is to tell a story the way you want to.

So the topic of sex is absolutely fascinating to me, especially gay party/hookup culture in big cities. Anybody who has read my previous blogs can see that. I've been both a passive studier and active participant over the years, and I've gotten a pretty unique view of it all. A good friend of mine once said, "to understand gay men, you need to understand the messy emotions and politics of sex." Now I realize that my experience (and his) as gay men is very much ones that have taken place inside a bubble, unique to big cities with large, established gay scenes. And to limit this view even more, it's anecdotal evidence in the realm of a subset of urban gay men, mainly ones who are active in the party/gym/hookup culture. So take my observations for what they are worth, and I am in no way saying this is applicable to all gay men, or even most. I am simply speaking from experience within my own universe, which like stated above, is somewhat limited in scope. So with that said.... The rise in popularity of PrEP (Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis) has almost erased the fear of HIV/AIDS from the minds of many gay men who are sexually active with multiple people. When I moved to the city in 2014, before PrEP was really on anyone's radar, condoms were insisted upon for 90% of guys I talked to about hooking up. The other 10% who didn't insist on condoms were guys who probably already had it or didn't care. Either way, they were people regarded as ones you didn't want to go near, even with a condom. Fast forward a year, to summer of 2015. PrEP has now become well-known to those of us in the gay world, and more and more guys are going on it. It was around this time that I too began taking it. The problem with PrEP is that it is incredibly expensive. It's something like $19,000 a year if you pay for it out of pocket. Luckily I have good insurance, so it cost me next to nothing. You also have to go get comprehensive blood work/STD testing every three months by a physician. So at this point if you didn't have good insurance, it was totally out of reach. So PrEP became a drug only within reach of those with privilege (In America, how shocking). I now started to notice that condoms were becoming less and less of the conversation about hooking up. Guys began asking if you took PrEP, and if you said yes, many of them would simply believe you and be willing to go bareback, even if they themselves weren't on it. This presents several serious problems. First off, the person could be totally lying and they may not be on the drug at all. Second, they could not be taking it every day, at which point the drug's effectiveness decreases dramatically. Third, it is only meant to prevent the transmission of HIV, not other STDS. And anyone who lives in a city knows that G&C spread like wildfire amongst gay men. 2016 comes around, and many big cities begin offering the drug and the physician visits free of charge as a matter of public health. By the end of 2016, everyone I know is taking the drug, and 95% of the people I come across are also on it. If you open Grindr or any other hookup app, the vast majority of profiles indicated they were on PrEP. At this point, guys insisting on condoms were becoming few and far between, and bareback sex became the norm. The threat of HIV has been largely eliminated for those on the drug, and the other STDs are, for the most part, easily treated. I saw an article from the CDC that showed how STDs other then HIV spiked among gay men after PrEP became widespread, and that doesn't surprise me at all. I feel like we are returning to a pre-AIDS sexual culture in the gay world. For many, the fear of HIV simply isn't what it was in the 80s and 90s because of huge leaps forward in medical science. And for guys my age, we came of age in a time where HIV was a fading concern in the national discussion. Now with the introduction of this, that concern is pushed even farther back. Some worry about HIV adapting and becoming resistant to a drug like PrEP. So far, there has been only one confirmed case of a man catching HIV while taking PrEP correctly. I'm not a scientist, and don't have much interest in the science of HIV, so I can't comment on how legitimate of a concern this is. I want to leave my own opinions out of this for now. Sex in the gay community is both personal and political, and straight people so often fail to understand this concept and it's deep historical routes when looking as an outsider on how sex goes down in the gay world. So much of our community's identity and power is based around sexuality, and as men who still carry around the pains of growing up "wrong", we use it as a means to (at least try) achieve so much. Thoughts?

I saw Beth Sacks perform this song with DJ Aron over the summer in Shanghai. She sounds even better live then her studio recordings. I love her voice!

Hmm, honestly there aren't many places in the United States I'd like to live. Most of this country is sprawling, soulless suburbia or random small towns stuck in the 1950s. I've lived around and in Philadelphia for the better part of 7 1/2 years now, and I'm ready for a change. Once I finish grad school and fulfill my promised work contract, I'm moving. I'm ready for something bigger, better, and more exciting. I want to be captured and fall in love again with a new city just the way I did with this one when I was 18. I absolutely fell in love with Shanghai when I lived there temporarily this past summer, and I'm thinking a little time overseas would be good for me. Not to mention I could make good money as an English-speaking American with teaching experience there. Eventually I'd like to settle in New York. It's the only place away from home where I feel just as comfortable in everyday life. I come from a family almost entirely of New Yorkers, but unfortunately my parents chose to live elsewhere, and I spent my first 18 years in the miserable confines of rural northern New England. I'd like to bring the New York-style back full circle again.

This American Life The Daily From The New York Times S-Town Stuff You Should Know NPR Politics The New Washington Real Time w/ Bill Maher ESPN 30 for 30 Serial ...and some more. I am a huge fan of podcasts.

I go to a coffee shop/craft brewery (yes, thats a two-in-one thing here) in my neighborhood 3-4x a week to do schoolwork. Everyone who works there knows me, and I usually only buy one thing. Most weeknights I will stay for 2-3 hours, and on weekends sometimes I'll sit in there all day doing work. The place is always filled with other people in grad school doing work who sit there for hours. This place is expensive ($4 for a cup of coffee, cappuccino or latte is around $6-7), so I damn well better be able to sit there for a long time and work. I'm sure the fact I come in there frequently makes them less likely to view me as a hassle for occupying a table for so long.

Halloween used to be one of my favorite nights of the year from college all the way through last year. Here it’s one of the biggest party nights of the year, the clubs stay open till 6am, everyone dresses up in some crazy costumes (cause we’re gay of course) and it’s an all night marathon of a party. This time around I’ll be skipping those parties, and most likely just using the night to catch up on work. Our neighborhood is mostly apartment buildings so not many kids trick or treat here from what I’ve seen. I did go to Terror Behind The Walls this year though (look it up, its awesome), and saw It, which was really good.

Yeah, I know I’m gonna lose a lot of people over this one. And that makes it harder, but oh well. So is life and it’s evolution.

It definitely does, and so obviously so. I’m still trying to figure out why it took me so long to figure that out. I think writing it out here is maybe a way for me to process that question. I don’t regret for a second experiencing it to the levels I did, but I’m also taking comfort in knowing that it’s also coming to an end. Just a couple months ago I couldn’t fathom living any other way.

That must have been a hell of a time to have been a part of all this. In some of my weaker moments I secretly wished I had been born before the whole “assimilation” thing started to become mainstream amongst us all.

Onto real life, and the things that will bring pleasure and comfort past a single night with a stranger.

A reflection of my time in the scene, and what it gave me and what it took from me. The list of both are long, but it was beginning to take more then it gave, and my life is shifting now.

Pretty much this, although a broader idea of the scene instead of just circuit parties.

Well, the time has finally come. We've flirted with going our separate ways multiple times in the past, and several times have actually broken it off for various lengths of time. Yet, somehow against our better judgement, we always find our way back to each other, and after our absence the passion for you burns as hot as a blue flame in me. I seemingly forget all the things I hated about you and the stupid choices I repeatedly made under your influence. No matter which country I meet you on, and I've met you on many, your basic premise remains the same. Your allure sucks us in by the thousands. All of us, young and pretty, and...empty, come searching for anything to grasp onto to make us feel wanted and loved like we so often didn't in our youth. Your music, your dance, your substances, all give us such a high on life, and the feeling like tomorrow doesn't matter. The world could be collapsing outside around us, but your thumpa-thumpa would distractingly blind us all to the truth. I admit, you've given me a life I could have never imagined living before I met you, at the ripe, insecure, impressionable age of 22. You forced me to become more social, more outgoing, and more aggressive in seizing opportunities in life. I'll forever love you for that. The look and attitude you motivated me to cultivate allowed me to command attention and respect from people who I did not know. It was for all the wrong reasons, yes, but at such a young age do the reasons matter so much as the outcome? You tell me. The invites to parties of every imaginable persuasion from people within you created in me a sense of belonging that was lacking but so desperately craved growing up. You made me feel okay about the long, stressful hours at work that so often exhausted me, because every Friday you'd be waiting to take me under your wing for the glorious 48 hours of the weekend. Those 48 hours where I could drown the pain of growing up a fag in a small town where I never felt I belonged. But in your care, not only did I belong, I was a fucking star. All those types who ignored me as a teenager were now on the outside looking in on me. That sense of superiority you allowed me to feel was the greatest rush I think I'll ever feel. But my god, you've distracted me with pretty, shiny objects while stealing away from me the things I need most in this life. The sad thing is, you've hinted at me many times over these last 3 years about what you were doing, but I chose to ignore what was so clearly obvious every time. You warned me over and over again about your impact on who I thought was going to be my future husband, but instead of heading your signs, I decided to double down on you and destroy what took half a decade to build. That destruction only led me to latch onto you even harder, and you led a parade of boys through my bedroom by the dozens, so much so that I lost track of who was who. You always gave me a justification. That part made it so easy to stay with you, and made it easy to rationalize your presence in almost every corner of my life. How many opportunities have I lost out on because I was too busy giving you my time? As I was thinking about this the other night, I almost became physically sick at what I could have accomplished and become had you not entered my life. I had a feeling, or basically knew, that we were about to go our separate ways beginning this spring. I knew we couldn't last if I wanted to start the next chapter of my life that was going to truly matter. But we had several months left together, and I wanted to go 100 miles an hour with you until you left me. And boy did you give me the chance to feel every inch of you before then. Philadelphia, New York, Shanghai, Bangkok, Pattaya. You took me on a whirlwind tour of your world where we experienced each other on an entirely different level. I loved every second of it. I'll forever remember those feelings of ecstasy and bliss. But, your feelings came with a price, and I realized that I was not willing to pay it any longer. I can't allow you to come between my dreams, my career, and the person I love most. I'll forever remember you, and look back with fondness of the memories you gave me, but I can never go back to you. I naturally just outgrew you, or maybe you just outgrew me. I'm not sure, but I don't care either. Who knows, I'm sure we'll have a few one-nighters together over the next couple years, but it won't last past the morning. We'll simply shuffle each other out the door the second after we get the feeling we want. We don't need to be anything more to each other. I won't be missed by you. There's thousands of other boys, younger and more eager, to be taken under your influence. I won't warn them, because truth be told you have a lot to teach. Plus, nobody warned me, and I've got too much to make up for in the time I've wasted to you. Thanks for the memories.

Well I guess I was a bit of a late bloomer in getting my first real kiss at 17. We met up halfway between where both of us lived, and we made out in the backseat of my parents car while parked behind a Chinese takeout place. 😜 Yeah, my first kiss wasn’t some romantic peck, but a full blown tongue make-out. I learned quick. I also rounded third base at the end of that night, and hit a home run a week later. I went from never having really kissed anyone to losing my V Card in about 8 days. I’ll forever love the little hippie town of Northampton, MA for giving me so many of those teenage memories, haha.

My ex (who is also Colombian) read both these books and was absolutely moved by both of them. He wouldn't shut up talking about them, haha. Also, you're from Philly too!!

Are you paying for it? If not, then the author doesn't owe you anything. Life is a bitch sometimes, and writing a free story on an amateur site usually goes pretty far down the priority list when life gets busy. Don't want to be disappointed? Then just stick to stories that are already completed. It really isn't that hard.

This!!! I recently reread this as well too, and it was so much more relatable at 25 then it was at 15.

I remember I picked up the first book in the series at the airport in Sao Paolo during a long layover. It was the only non-romance English book the store had, and I was bored. I'd never read a fantasy book as an adult, and now 5 years later it constitutes over half of my reading. You'll enjoy the whole series.

So I just got back from NYC Pride this morning. As always, the parties were over-the-top, the parade was amazingly huge, and the celebration of freedom brought a tear or two to my eye. To see literally millions of people on the streets of Manhattan showing themselves as part of the community or publicly expressing their support is dream-like to me. Growing up closeted in a small town where diversity was/is unheard of, getting a day where we take over and shut down the capital of the world to celebrate us is something I'll treasure forever.