Andrew Q Gordon

NOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I so knew you were gonna get the reference. Definition of a Quatloo Star Trek Episode - The Gamesters of Triskelion. From the Wikipedia page: The fictional currency of "Quatloos" is much-referenced in Star Trek fandom and other contexts,[1][2] and is used as the name of the anti-fraud website Quatloos.com. *slinks off, heart ripped out and stomped on by Dark *

You and your chocolate bribes, sadly for you food weakness is not chocolate. Keep trying maybe you'll find it. On a more serious note, this chapter did a good job of showing us how magic works. Now we just need to get the boys away from Xeran - Go Karadur, go Karadur. I bid 200 Quatloos on Karadur! Hand out the Pugil Sticks and lets get ready to rumble. :mace:

What if you don't like either and prefer mayonnaise?

Tying into my comment last time, this was much better in terms of not doing too much too soon. Very good. the little bits about the war effort, the political make up of the the Empire, the Psi Institute. Yeah I don't get it all yet, but that would take page after page of boring explanation. Good job, looking forward to the rest.

Wow you really did drop a lot into chapter one didn't you? two points - 1) The level of detail was excellent. I understood almost everything that was happening along the way - 2) It almost felt like there was too much action for the short chapter. yes you want to 'get your world' out there, but it might have benefited from a bit more dialogue and detail before everyone was dead. Just a thought. But as it was chapter 1, there is a lot to go. Andy

WOO HOO!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOHN!!! 21 at last! Go have some fun - just make sure you post all the embarrassing pictures.

I have to give you this, you sure thing big in your story - you toss millions around like they was Benjamins. I'm not sure how to say this but you are certainly not shy about pushing the envelope are you? Not my favorite parts to be honest. But to each his own, I was able to skim those fairly easily. Be interested to see what happens, everything can be perfect forever.

Jim, This is a tough review to write, because on the one hand I like the story a lot but on the other there are somethings that could make it better. I think I will leave the latter comment for private IF you want them Just email me and I'll give them to you. One thing I can say, is this should have been 3 or 4 chapters SO much happened LOL. The two have very distinct characters - you can tell Adam is still 18 despite his maturity. He is the impulsive one, the one who wants to do now, worry later. Jim [Jim Carter?? Who Dat?? Sounds familiar. ] on the other hand is more measure though he doesn't let that stop him from showing affection. Like I said you can see they are not the same people and that is good since we expect to see them both a bit going forward

Guess that would be a 'matter of perspective' eh Nephy?? Okay, okay okay, I got a million of em. But seriously. You not follow the rules?? I'm shocked and appalled. Hehe, okay, not really. And yes, it DOES work for you, but it doesn't work so well for most writers. Love, The grumy old man

After you left us on that damn cliff at the end of 23 I just might have to revoke my like and leave this one behind The One I Want - hmph Childish tantrums aside - it was interesting how the demons are portrayed in this chapter - they are no more or less likeable than anyone else. Maybe even a tad more likeable. Well except for Alan - I have a soft spot for him. I wonder what the Prince would do if he were face to face with an angry Karadur? Do demon's crap their pants? Or Soil their Britches? Just wondered.

Bucking for King of Cliffs I see are you? The three word that best describe you right now are So Damn Cruel. That was one of the more enlightening chapters - despite the amazing high cliff you left us all on. It's not me? who's 'Me' How is Kynan, Karadur's grandson? Does that make him the Queens Father? or is he really not the Queens son like you led us to believe? Oh you wascally wabbit you. So **drums fingers on the kitchen table loudly** when can we expect Chapter 24???

For me, I don't think I like 1st person so much. I have a problem with the tenses - I tend to shift into present tense a lot as if I were writing the story like I am writing this post. Just cunfuzzles me to no end. The only time I would agree with head hopping [as opposed to head hoping as I wrote originally in the email] is for something where the MC is separated from another MC or almost MC and the other MC's actions are important. i.e. two characters leave and have simultaneous adventures which are key to the story. But then the question becomes, who Perspective do you use when they are together? What I have in mind that is behind this, is a story about two characters, each special in their own way, trying to come to terms with their abilities - it is a sci-fi sorta thingy and they both have different responsibilities that might lend itself to switching perspectives. For me, I like it when the switch does not recount the same block of time. So one picks up after the last as opposed to going back and recounting the same time frame. I have seen and have done the switch to get a different take on the same event if the different events are from three unique perspectives. Meaning all three have different but important parts in the same event. IDK, just blabbing right now.

So I lied, Chapter 9 of Purpose is posted. Will told Ryan if he stayed the night, he wouldn't say. Will Ryan be there and if so will Gar/Will keep his word?

Convention writing rules of thumb say one Point of View and one perspective - and 'one' perspective included 3rd Person Omniscient but if you go that route you need to stick to it and most authors don't and instead engage in head hopping. The problem with head hopping is, if the character knows something and you don't divulge it, your cheating just for the sake of suspense. Anyway, I digress. I think that first person lends itself to multiple perspectives better than third but multiple perspectives are a bad idea when there is an element of suspense - i.e. a whodunit or you have a clear protagonist and you get 'their' perspective. I suppose this is something a purist type question as most everyone uses multiple perspectives except a very few. So how do folks feel about multiple perspectives - limiting things to just two - as a writing vehicle? Is it easier to move the story along? Does it help with character development? Do you find it ruins suspense at times? Do you just not care and just write it as it comes? - to be honest, really feel this last option is the easy way out. It is harder to do it right but I think the result is better too.

I think it is harder to finish sometimes, but I don't think is smart to start posting unless you have enough in the bank to keep posting if you have a dry spell for a week or so. People like regularity. So if you can't wait to finish, then wait until you have a bunch ready to post. That's my take.

Busy?? You have no idea, I WAYYYY Too many things swirling around my head. Oh well, there really isn't enough time for them all

Can't believe I'm so late to the party - but: WOO HOO!!!! This gets a great !

For those checking, I will start posting again next week. Have to still clean up the Novella Entry with Anyta then I can start posting again. Next up is the after math of his last "Assignment."

Okay, so the 'twist' wasn't that obvious, even if you think it is. I expected there to be a black Jaguar at some point because the Great Jaguar at the temple wasn't about to save the clan only to destroy it in a generation. But I figured it would come from an adoption or something - which it is but it is from Bashtar's sibling. That said, can a black jaguar only come from a black jaguar? Does the alpha always have to be the child of an alpha or a black Jaguar?

George's problem is that he seems to love too many people. Everyone has a crush on him and he seems to have it back on more than a few. I was wondering when Calvert was going to make a new appearance, and here it is. Now what? Pete seems to be angling to keep George around for a bit, but how will Calvert react? I mean let's face it, George has Frederick and Calvert as his 'Loves' though Calver likely has a new one or two back in London. And he and Calvert see each other so litte, However, my dirty might was thinking - fatal four way when they saw each other. Is that the next step to make up for me giving you 2 thumbs down for a three way in the last book??

hehehe. Does Wiener Wurst taste good with a plate full of crow??

Interesting little twist. Make sure you make them good daddies, as I'll be watching to see what it is me and my 'mate' need to do

Sadly it is that 2% you speak of that is the difference between good and great, I will work on finding my 2% - I think I understood what you said and I thank you for that. As for Trevor - it was a toss up - It could be a complicating factor later on, it could be of no matter - but in the there and then, it was something Nick wanted and whether it helps or hurts, it was kinda what I 'felt' at the time. Maybe that makes me a ho cause a part of me feels that is what i would have done given the chance. also when the 'full' story is written, it doesn't necessary have to use this one as a prologue, I feel free to change things a long the way as this is not going to be part of it or maybe won't be. IDK. -- Thanks for the critique - I WILL keep what you said in mind as write the rest. -- Andy

You mean like a Wiener?

Thanks Trebs, always happy to hear someone liked [or loved as you put it] my work. I hope the long edition lives up to expectations from the short one.