Yettie One

Yeah, ok so there it is, the real emotion that's been bottled away for far too long. It had to be there. It just did, and it had to come out at some stage. Mom's are the diplomatic ones, but they can't help being the worriers too. I feel for Gary and Diane. As a military man, Mark kind of has a realism of what Trey is about to endure. His folks can only imagine, and I know what my imagination can be like, expecting the worst and all, so I can only begin to guess at what it must be like for them. Kinda glad Mark is fitting in here. Have a feeling that the support network might become really important later in the story.

Oh you naughty girl. There are times where the story just needs more than the word limit allows, and this is such a perfect example. Personally I feel anything cut from that would have felt a part of the flow jarring against the rest of it. Glad you didn't cut it. Glad Mark caught a fish. Glad emotion got the better of him. Life's little moments, treasured memories that overcome the dark ones, In years to come, a memory like that will far outweigh the negative Mark had felt prior to this moment, and that is a triumph for mankind. This is how we balance the scales between disappointment and joy in life, and you capture the process so well.

More brownie points for Mark in the pot there me finks! I can imagine Jackie having a melt down about it though. Funny, Mark and I seem to think alike about how involved she gets in his life. We obviously bred from the same stock! hehe

Cute, and so they finally accept that yes indeed they have fallen for each other! Again, I can't help but pause for thought and ask myself if this world of happiness and planning has some unforeseen tragedy that is to befall it, again mainly based on the story title. Lots of planning for a future that is as yet a whole year away. Plans that are to be thwarted by time or circumstance? I guess chapters in the future will answer this niggle for me.

To be fair I can understand the pride and tradition aspect of Mark's dad. It is a complex thing with men and even more so when it comes to men who serve on the line. I know it is the same for family lines of cops and fire fighters and even to some extent EMT's and stuff. It is just the done thing, and surprisingly not uncommon to find family issues bred over this issue time and time again. As trivial as it may seem to some, it is a big thing for someone that expects their son to keep up appearances for the family's name/credit. It can be a tough pill to swallow for a proud man. I am not excusing his arrogance, just saying I can understand it. I'm really interested in seeing how you develop this new twist to the plot. Again I can't help but feel that when you do broach it in more detail, it is going to be a real challenge to keep to the word limit, and I really look forward to finding out how you manage it. I like this development. It complicates things, and that is again true to life.

Mom's are always more diplomatic, but I have to feel that as parents, the true concern lies in the fact that their son is about to depart for a war zone, not on the fact that when and indeed if he returns, he might be shacking up with his lover in another part of the country. I guess that it is a skilfully planed avoidance to the real issue ey? Funny how true to life this is in so many ways. I've actually done that myself. It is easier to fuss about something that in the bigger scheme of things is neither here nor there, but we do it all the same just to keep our minds of the pressing stuff. Plus, I think Mark's already scored major brownie points in convincing Trey to leave the army!

Oooooopus. I am not so sure that cordiality will extend to moving in with Mark on what they may well consider to be a whim. They've already touched on surprise at Trey bringing Mark to meet them so soon after meeting, so as any sane parent would do, I have a feeling that the boys might have a job on their hands to convince these folks that this is what they really want to do. Reads really much as you'd expect to find any family discussing such issues Renee, so well done with that.

Oh..... Talk about a cliff hanger! Haha Interesting. I am hoping that the final statement is one of relief and not anger. Erm....... Do they know the two are um.... partners? Oh, the questions mount. hehe

I touch of normalcy in a whirl wind of tension. Kind of cute really, but I can only hope that this meeting goes better than I am expecting. Again with the pessimistic outlook, not quite sure why! Maybe it is all in the title, Thwarted! I thought they were going for a weekend, or did I read that wrong? In this chapter you talk of them being away for a week?

And the realism of life snaps back into view. Funny how we don't even consider the little things like a smart set of clothes till we are prompted by someone in the know. However, I am pretty sure that was NOT the items that Mark was feeling he'd forgotten. I wonder if there is something else that's going to pop up as missing when he gets there. Lovely chapter and a wicked curve of humour in there two Renee.

The first time I've really felt like there needed to be more in the chapter. It sped past so fast, and I do think that the emotion of the jitters that Mark's feeling warranted a bit more. Meeting the parents is a huge step for most, even bigger for these two considering one is off to a war zone, and the other might well need to give or receive emotional support from these people he's about to meet. So many things to go through Mark's mind that might give cause to concern, and he has to try cope with that, without making it seem it's too much for him and prompt Trey to leave him behind. Yeah, its a complex web they face. It'll be interesting to see how it plays out when he does actually meet them...

Oh my! Renee you dirty girl! hehe I can so relate to that urgency where an inner lust almost overtakes you, and dinner can wait. oh those were the good old days. So Mark is reserved to the offer, probably wisely so. Glad to see he's not just a big push over, even if pushing him down onto the bed is so damn easy for Trey! Good chapter Hon.

So many questions raised with this chapter, and they all lie in the motive of this offer. It sounds lovely, but call me a suspicious guy or something. Maybe I am just too cynical to believe in a good thing... It might be a really great offer, and a sensible decision. Being around family would be good support for the time Trey is away, but it could also be a pain in the arse. Independence is such a big thing to loose. Then I do have this inkling worry that this maybe Jackie's controlling nature emerging despite her good intentions. Oh the quandary. For what it is worth, even if you are not totally happy with the chapter, it does throw an interesting twist into the plot. Not sure if that was completely the intention, but it works.

I guess that is the one thing about blood. In most cases, they can see beyond the resentment of being put in their place and family wins out. I'm glad they sorted that out and are talking again, but more than anything, I am glad Jackie came to her senses. Cute little chapter.

I am actually really proud of the way you handled that one Renee. That was perfect. So much tragic emotion and vivid realism in so few words. Spot on. I was really able to feel the terror and pain in Mark, and that was pretty important for me. Capturing that vivid realism of the horror of war was something I'd wondered if you'd broach at all in the story, and if you did, how it'd come across. So when I did find it, I can honestly say that it was on the money. And, I can also see how the reaction from Mark would indeed prompt such a response from Trey. If the man he can love can be that physically horrified at the memory of war, what was he heading out towards, and more over, how would he return from it, if at all? Poignant thoughts!

Ok, so one observation I noticed here. I'm not sure how you are writing the story, if I am to take a stab in the dark, I'd guess each chapter is written with a delay between the two. The reason I make this observation is that when you read each chapter in quick succession as you would in a book, and not in a weekly instalment, the basic underlying plot is mentioned in every chapter. This can lead to overkill in terms of the stated fact. While in a more detailed and longer chapter you might get away with this, by focusing in on the word limit as you've set yourself to do, it does stand out a little bolder and the repetitiveness is more obvious. Hope you don't mind an ikle bit of constructive criticism hon. So now on to the detail of the chapter. I'd say that Trey's desire to have an answer, and his willingness to discuss his options with Mark is a firm indicator of his willingness to commitment to something substantial with Mark. However, at this point in time it is supposition as to what he might be thinking, or what decision he may want to make. A career solider would naturally want to re-enlist. But then love is a powerful motivator. So the big question is...... Are they in love yet????

The butterfly effect. A newly emerged romance, in full flight and beauty, the world around it full of mystery and opportunity and potential. This marvellous creature is so overwhelming, a romance pure and new and wonderful, it has a tendency to lose its participants in the mist of time and space. Three weeks will blast past in this honeymoon phase of their relationship, and that is only going to make any decisions, any parting, any waiting all the harder long term. But do we even really bother to consider these things when we are feeling so happy and free? Unfortunately for your characters, they are being forced to do this. In terms of the pace of your story, this changes the dynamic of what we want or need from a chapter in terms of thought and detail from each individual character, and that will certainly impact on how you write each unfolding chapter. So far, you've done this well, the challenge herein lies on how you continue to do this. I admire your tenacity and commitment to the brief Renee.

Sometimes it is necessary to be cruel to be kind. Jackie does need to learn to butt out of a grown man's life, be it her brother or not. Far too often we try to control those we love or care for. We do it out of good intention, but I'd say in 9 of every 10 cases it goes wrong. I just hope for both of their sakes that Jackie takes it on board and lets thing take their course. Three weeks is a short time, but strong bonds that have stood the strength of decades have been made in shorter spaces of time, so give it the chance it deserves ey? After all, if he's happy, then he's happy. At the very least, allow him his happiness for this moment in time?

Written like a typical sister would. I can see you've had some practice! For what it is worth, I know a few friends just like that. Nosey parkers. hehe. Funny how we want to know all the gen, even before the person holding the gen has had a chance to work it out. True to life as always Renee. I'll press on now.

A couple of things spring to mind reading this chapter. The first is that I admire the fact that you have chosen to deal with a subject that is not really explored in gay fiction. It is fairly common to find stories that deal with self doubt and a general lack of self esteem in coming out, but few if any follow the downward spiral of self destruction that is common among gay men looking for love. I am not sure I understand the open promiscuity of the gay community, and I often ponder the way gay people seem to have a blasé regard to monogamy, love and long term stable commitment. For a young man such as Miracle who has been deprived of true love, to search for it at any opportunity, and blind himself to reality in his unrequited desire to find this true love. I respect you for tackling this in your story. The first difficulty is the nature of this subject matter. Emotional conflict is complex, detailed and incredibly personal. In this case, I expect some form of conflict to arise in terms of the pace the plot unfolds, with the pace emotional content will need to unfold. It will be a big challenge to balance these two and I look forward to seeing how you deal with this. The other big thing that comes to mind is a worry that in an effort to maintain the flow of the plot, you will miss or neglect areas of the story that require more attention and deeper detail. If I may give you an example of this.... In reading this chapter, I can only assume that Hunter has some idea of Miracle's nature and orientation. He is not troubled by the fact that he see's two men having sex on the computer, or even that one of them is his brother, but more that his brother is having sex with someone he views as being a low life. He has noticed the trend of Miracle being depressed and upset on return from his various adventures for lack of a better way of describing it. He cares very deeply for him, and wants to protect him. He then finds the video which he proceeds to watch. He realises that his brother was purchase not completely at fault in the incident with the teacher at his last school. Yet, he manages to fall asleep....... I couldn't help but wonder if this was just an easy route to maintain flow in the chapter, as delving into a reaction would have become detailed and tricky. See, in my opinion, if Hunter really were that worried about Miracle, discovering that the teacher had ruined his brother's life would invoke a terrific sense of anger. Now maybe I am jumping the gun, and that anger will come in the next chapter or so, but I did feel as a reader that things did not quite appear right as things unfolded in this chapter. It was too light, and while it kept the pace the plot needs, it lacked the content the character development needs. I realise that you are a long way into this story and this observation comes at a late date in the scheme of things, and I'm am really interested in seeing how things progress in the story, but in giving my review, it would be unfair not to point out the things that come to me as I read, so I hope you don't mind me giving my thoughts in this way.

Things are about to spiral out of control? Erm, not completely sure that the lad is not already out of control. Blunt, raw and crazy. The pace once more was quick and creative. I am glad you pulled that off without becoming bogged down by detail, although having said that, it is almost impossible not to become caught up in detail when it comes to emotion. You can see this when it comes to describing Miracle's state of mind and reasoning. I'm interested to see how you handle this. The character development can be sketchy in places, and once or twice I did feel that there could have been more flesh to a scene. It is a great talent to be able to create a scene with scant detail, and maintain the ebb and flow of the plot, and necessary dialogue to make things interesting. A perfect example of this is the chat Miracle has with the counsellor. One question, repeated twice, and Miracle senses that she is determined to get the answers she wants? The rush of the scene here loses its authenticity. A bit more time and content would have developed plausibility for this section in my opinion. One last point I'd make, the flash back sequence in this chapter was more a dream that the boy was having, and therefore is not so much a flash back in the sense it was used in the previous chapter. I'd suggest that a flash back is a conscious memory and not one triggered as part of a dream, so it might have worked better included as part of the opening sequence of the chapter and not a split section. Just an idea. As for the sex scene, I salute you. Far too many writers of gay fiction become lost in a pornographic diatribe when it comes to sex. The way you choose to deal with the sexual content of your story suits the pace and flow of your work. To concentrate on specifics or worry about graphic detail would ruin this. I also love your creative use of language in your descriptive values of certain details of the encounter. (ie,"the moment in which another spilled himself inside of him") It is fresh and unique and wonderfully light. Don't lose that.

As an opening chapter, I was somewhat stunned by the pace of things unfolding. The style you choose to just touch on detail, leaving much to the imagination of the reader is interesting and creative. I hope that you follow that style through the rest of the story and maintain the lightening flow you capture here. There are a few things that I'd have worded differently maybe, and one or two errors in grammar here and there. I like the way you have laid the framework for the plot, releasing snippets of Miracle's past, as well as living in the here and now with the main narration. Flash backs can be confusing and difficult to get to work well, but you've nailed that by using dates to clearly formulate where we are in a timeline. Simple, yet effective. Great work for chapter one.

Well, that is one way to kick a reader into submission..... Certainly drove the hook in and got my curiosity piqued. The one thing that kind of lept out at me was the originality in the names. Niceeee.

A superb flow of plot and dialogue. A young man come of age, and attitude. You can beat and berate till one day the inner iron will will take it no longer. Good to see it come to pass. Soooooooo When do things get interesting???

Oh I do love a historical tale, and this one is right in the smack of an era I adore reading about. Oh you clever, clever man. Quite like fly fishing, light, airy, a gentle flick on the water above us to lure us in... Onwards my good man, let us find out what you have in store for us.