Thorn Wilde

Michael is the best of boyfriends. Thanks for reading and for commenting!

It's tempting when writing a letter, to begin it with, 'I hope you're well.' Can't say that in this one, so I'll just go with, I miss you. There are people here who knew you much longer than I did, who probably knew you better, too. But we were talking a lot, around Christmas and into January. You told me about your life, about your family, about your illness. I told you about my life. And we talked about movies and music. We talked about hospitals. And we talked about death. You weren't supposed to die. They sent you home from the hospital. You were getting better, and you were going to go on living. You were gonna play Pokemon and knit cool things and be you. I told you I'd be very cross with you if you died. But I could never be cross with you. Especially not now. We had a lot in common, you and I. We had a similar taste in music. We talked about punk rock. You listened to my songs, too. And you were among the few here who understood what I'm going through, I think, though you were much more settled in your identity, and you always were, from what you told me. But still, you got it. You were a great comfort to me. I think I managed to be a comfort to you as well, about other things. You were afraid. I hope I managed to make you a little bit less afraid. I hope talking to me gave you something, if only a distraction. In a way, I fell in love with you. Not in a romantic way, but I wish I could have been near you. I wish I'd talked to you more, too, these last couple of weeks. I didn't want to bother you, but in the end I don't think you would have been bothered. I felt very close to you. I don't know if you felt as close to me, but... I loved you. So many people here did, and do. You told me you didn't have many friends, but that's not true. You had friends here. Friends who miss you. I miss you. Everything but your comments and status updates is gone. Your pictures of all the cool shit you made. Your blog is empty. Wish I still had your picture, but I have it inside me, in my head, and in my heart. You'll never be gone from there. And I'll think of you, and the talks we had, and how kind and sweet you were. Less often as time goes by, probably, but you'll be here. Always. "No one’s ever lost forever When they die they go away But they will visit you occasionally Do not be afraid No one’s ever lost forever They are caught inside your heart If you garden them and water them They’ll make you what you are" —Amanda Palmer and the Grand Theft Orchestra, Lost

She's a good therapist. Partially modelled after a couple of the ones I've had, actually. A good shrink makes all the difference when the going gets tough. Thanks for commenting!

Thank you.

I stumbled out of bed and ran for the bathroom, where I dropped to my knees before the toilet and vomited. My heart raced in my chest and tears were coming down my sweaty face. I spat, flushed, and sat back against the wall, trying to normalise my breathing. Pepper padded into the bathroom and came over to sniff my face. She gave my cheek a lick, and I carded my fingers through her soft fur. ‘This is getting old, girl.’ My voice was hoarse and I sobbed. Pepper laid her chin on my shoulder an

Hi, Starry! *waves* It's gotten warmer here. It's raining and the snow's melting a bit. Getting cold again after the weekend so will be nice and slippery out there... Hope you have a good day.

I’m glad you’ve found something like that. Having lost people myself, it feels good to maintain a connection, I think, of one kind or another.

Good word. I’d heard it before, but didn’t know what it meant. Thanks, tim.

Baking brownies. Listening to grunge. Feels appropriate today.

This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing this.

I don’t mind being complimented, I just don’t like being called pretty. Other words are fine... Thank you for commenting.

Morning, DiC. Today is not a good day... Just wanna stay in bed and ignore the real world. Not really an option. My friend who lives in Dubai is coming over for lunch, so I’m sure that’ll be nice. Hope you all have a better day than me. Interesting you should mention that. Boyfriend and I watched it night before last. It was awesome!

Been killing nazis for a couple of hours. Gonna get a shower and head to bed. I’m just done with today... Goodnight, DiC.

Spent about half an hour crying on the couch. I need a distraction. Gonna go kill things for a bit. Draugr, or radroaches, maybe. Back later.

I'm blind too, apparently.

Oh my god, that's so awful... I knew he was sick, we were talking a lot. He was in hospital over Christmas and well into January, they were looking at a transplant, but they ended up sending him home. Fucking doctors... Can't breathe...

I am so sorry, Jamie. God, I can't even breathe right now... I hope you know how loved he was here. I know I really cared about him. He was my friend. All my love to you as well.

I don't want to be other than what I am. I want to be seen as what I am. As you say, to be accepted as I see myself. Because this is who I am. Thanks for taking the time to comment, and for caring.

Thank you, Parker. Your comments mean a lot to me.

That's really sweet.

Hate it when that happens...

3 went up on Prime here today. Hasn’t really been available through other than extralegal means until now.

Starting on season 3 of The Expanse! Excited! ❤️

Please do. Stay safe.

Thank you, Mac. Yeah, it does.