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Mikiesboy

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  1. Mikiesboy

    Boring Myself to Death

    By Mikiesboy,


    My Life and Times
    Yep, i'm here again. ***WARNINGS for suicide and depression***
    Last year, before Danny died, I tried to take my own life. Again, 4th attempt. Nearly made it as well, but Dan noticed I was not in bed and found me and a bloody mess on the bathroom floor. He bound the wounds and called 911. Then he woke Michael. I think Michael wrote a blog about this too. 
    Anyway. My (is it mine? i always laugh about this) depression was out of control. It was after recovery from this suicide attempt that i chose to try ECT (electroconvulsive therapy). The drugs weren't helping, and talking wasn't so much.  It was scary the first time, but ECT seemed to help. 
    But lately, i've been having a rough time. My shrink has diagnosed me with treatment resistant depression, cuz nothing helped and then ECT's effectiveness doesn't seem to anymore either. 
    When someone with this illness says they are tired, it doesn't mean they want to sleep, or they worked out too hard, it means they are world-weary, that breathing is too much effort and so is pretending that all is well. Don't say.. Hi, how are you? Cuz i'm not going to answer with 'fine' anymore. I'm not fine. I'm tired. 
    So, after seeing the shrink again, he had me do some massive questionnaire which he is going to, along with my mental health history, discuss with other docs to see what may be best going forward. Honestly, i don't care for myself. I'm tired and no one is listening. 
    People say, you'll be okay, just rest, take care of yourself, just take a walk, get fresh air. Presently, i'm struggling to do any of those things. Most days, I plug into YouTube and just watch it. All Day. If Michael is home, He will drag me out for a walk, and i've been walking a friend's dog. 
    My doctor is speaking to other docs, and they may try adjusting the ECT treatments ( i did feel good for a long time after starting these), maybe combined with more in-office CBT or possibly DBT.  Drug therapies he is considering are ketamine and some of the older antidepressant drugs, along with ECT.
    Well, this is a rambling mess of a blog.  I'm sorry for that, but not sorry I wrote it. 
    If you're suffering, tell someone, or go to the hospital.  Silence isn't a friend. 
  2. Mikiesboy
    Writing your way.
    What does that mean?
    We all have a method, a way of working. That's great—until we start looking at other writers who may be faster, or who we think are better or more talented. Maybe they have more education, a larger vocabulary, or simply more popularity.
    I recently watched a short clip from an interview between Stephen King and George R.R. Martin. Both are wildly successful writers with excellent books.
    In the clip, George asks King how he writes so fast. King replies that he writes six pages a day. George responds, “I thought I was doing well when I finished three chapters in six months. Maybe I'm not talented and should have been a plumber.”
    The other night we watched Knight of the Seven Kingdoms, which is based on The Hedge Knight by George R.R. Martin. The show was wonderful—a good story, filled with living characters and rich scenes.
    And it made me think.
    It made me a little sad that Martin was comparing himself to someone else. Stephen King and George R.R. Martin are both writers, just like apples and oranges are both fruit—but that doesn’t mean they’re really comparable. They are both talented, but in very different ways, writing very different kinds of stories.
    Which brings me, inevitably, to myself.
    I like both authors very much, but I identify more with Martin. I am slow. I cannot write six pages a day just because I think I should. I am plagued with self-doubt and often compare myself to what others are doing. I can't even guess how many times I've said I quit.
    I also don't write certain kinds of stories—no college boys hanging out, no coming-of-age sexual experiences, very little sex at all. Because of that, a lot of people simply aren't interested in what I write.
    I know all of this has likely been said before.
    But I'm saying it because I'm finally starting to understand something. Someone recently said: If what you do works, don't fight it.
    So I am learning to be okay with the writer I am.
    If you're a writer who doubts yourself sometimes, I hope you can learn to do the same.
  3. Mikiesboy

    Trafficking

    By Mikiesboy,


    My Life and Times
    This topic seems to be one that dominates my life. I wasn't really trafficked but being sold outright or rented for an afternoon are too close.
    I've written about sex trafficking in Sold Into Freedom and i read about it from a favourite author, Charles Martin, specifically his Murphy Shepherd novel series: The Water Keeper, The Letter Keeper, The Record Keeper, and The Keeper
    In the news again is Jeffrey Epstein and his friendships with the current president of the USA and Prince Andrew and his ex-wife Sarah Ferguson. All despicable and disgusting human beings. 
    Wealth and privilege continue to be held over us. We are meant to look up to these people, I guess because money is supposed to make them superior to the rest of us. Believe me, nothing is further from the truth. All money allows these people to do is hide more easily.  At least they thought so. It is all coming out now, victim Virginia Giuffre's story is out now in her book Nobody's Girl. What these people did to her and many others is coming out now, as the truth always should. 
    They deserve their ruination. i have zero pity for those who use and abuse others. 
    The victims of trafficking, if they live, pay forever. 
    Join the voices who are demanding justice for victims and the release of the Epstein papers. Demand Prince Andrew pay...dropping his titles means nothing.  These bastards should be in jail. 
  4. Mikiesboy

    Toronto the Good, no longer

    By Mikiesboy,


    My Life and Times
    I'm writing this because I read Edward Keenan's column in the Toronto Star newspaper today. It made me sad, angry and frustrated, with our city, those of us who live here, and most especially with those we elect to care for us and our city.  Mr. Keenan wrote so well about how this city was once known as Toronto the Good, and it was at one time that people here cared about each other. Now, not so much, as Mr. Keenan wrote, it is Toronto the Hostile...I'll add Toronto the Uncaring.
    We give to charities here, my husband and me. I thought that was enough. I became complacent and stopped seeing what was actually happening. Homelessness is spoken about, and we pretend to care, yet we design outdoor seating to be deliberately uncomfortable; we have ABM/ATMs that are closed when the bank is closed, all-night diners that close at 10 p.m. or only offer take-out, bus shelters that look like something sliced them in half - they protect you from nothing.  All these design changes to ensure people experiencing homelessness can't spend time there.  We do this rather than fixing the real issue. People without housing are human beings, and we treat them like they chose to live this way. There indeed are the odd few who did, but most want a 'normal' life.
    This isn't happening only here; it's everywhere. Places want to make being homeless a crime. Well, I guess jail would provide food and a bed. It's better than the street sometimes, and I can tell you that.
    I feel sad and disappointed in the answers we've come up with to battle homelessness. It's not going to get better if we shrug and do nothing; after all, maybe we have enough money to live normally. If you're lucky enough, that's how life is for you, then please spare a thought for the less fortunate. It's time to break out your pens and paper or email. Send your demand for something better to your local politician. Give to your local charities if you're able.
  5. Mikiesboy

    A 'What Am I Doing and Why?' Rant (sort of)

    By Mikiesboy,


    My Life and Times
    Do you ever wonder what you're doing? Sometimes, I think that I don't think at all. I do things often without enough thought, and then there are consequences to deal with—not always huge ones, but still enough to make me wonder.
    Lately, I've been telling myself that I need to get up to write and set up a daily routine. I'd get up, but I found all kinds of excuses not to write anything at all.  
    Yesterday, I decided, for some health reasons, to make life more like a job now that I no longer have a paid job. I started that last night. I went to bed earlier, read for a while, and lay down to sleep. I woke up around 4:30 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. I tried but gave up about two hours later. I got up, telling myself to write something.
    I've been trying to write more poetry. I've been debating whether I want to do the annual April NaPoWriMo ... because sometimes the quality of poems isn't good. I know that isn't the point, but it bugged me. I then decided that effort is its own reward, so I decided to try NaPoWriMo for 2024.  I'll do my best to write a poem each day. If I don't manage it, I promise to get up and try. Make the effort, write some words.
    I did that this morning. As I wrote, it dawned on me that keeping that promise to myself is important. It's as important as keeping a promise to my Husband or friends. I'd never let them down, so why is it okay to break a promise to myself?
    It isn't. I realized that there were consequences for breaking my promises to myself. They were more real than I'd ever considered. I'd spend the day feeling lost and sad—and like I'd accomplished nothing because I hadn't—because I'd let myself down.
    I'm worth keeping my word to, just as I would keep it to anyone else.
  6. Mikiesboy

    Amateurs

    By Mikiesboy,


    My Life and Times
    Amateur.
    That word usually conjures up negative thoughts.  Like: "They played like a bunch of amateurs" or something done poorly.
    The thing is it doesn't really mean that. It means doing something for the love of it, for pleasure.
    My favourite quote about being an amateur comes from an old film... A Christmas Without Snow.  i saw it on tv one Christmas season afternoon, while Jeff and i huddled in our room. i was writing what would become my street poems then, and i remember this moment, when John Houseman's character said:
    Mrs. Burns is right, of course; you are amateurs, unlike certain pseudo-professionals like myself who insist on slave wages. Your voluntary and steadfast attendance at these rehearsals fully qualifies you for any definition of the word "amateur". What Mrs. Burns and many others are wrong about is the meaning of the word, which has to do with motivation, not quality. Remember "amo, amat, amas", the Latin verb "to love". The meaning of "amateur" is "he or she who does a thing for the love of it". There is no higher reason for singing than the love of doing it. In that respect, you do qualify as amateurs. And I salute you for it.
    I am an amateur. I used to write for the love of it, for no other reason.
    Then something changed and while i still loved it, writing became something else, or i did - more likely the latter.  People's reactions started to mean too much, my own ego became too much.  Well, that stopped me from doing what i like to do.
    Then yesterday, I received a new copy of Aeon magazine in my inbox. There was an article in it that said, feel free to stop striving and learn to relish being an amateur. It said let striving be replaced by fulfillment so the notions of success and failure are erased.
    I decided I will find my way back. I am going to embrace being an amateur and write the stuff i love again.
  7. Mikiesboy

    Gratitude - Good or Bad?

    By Mikiesboy,


    My Life and Times
    Lately, I've been interested in the psychology of gratitude. As I suffer greatly from depression, I like to try anything that I can to keep those feelings at bay. From what I've been reading, writing down what you're grateful for helps people manage their environment, deal with others, and live in general. So, basically, if you have higher levels of gratitude, your life is better, and in turn, you are more grateful—a neverending spiral of goodness. 
    If you're interested in doing this, it is usually suggested that you write down reasons to be grateful daily. That's a big ask, and it's not as simple as it sounds. Even if you can come up with three every day, is it always the right thing to do?
    Focusing on the positive can be as destructive as depression. Both feelings are extreme and can put you out of balance. How can we be authentic people if we live at one extreme?
    No matter how grateful or positive we are, we have to face the fact there are bad days. Days when no matter what we do, we cannot control the actions of others. Yes, we have control over how we deal with things, but is it wrong to be angry sometimes?
    Sometimes gratitude and being positive doesn't help.
    On those bad days, feeling real gratitude is nearly impossible and can feel superficial. It's like the anger or frustration you feel isn't justified or real.
    On those days, I allow myself to be angry or frustrated. In my mind, I know I have a lot to be grateful for, but I accept that right now, today, whatever it is, is just crap. And it's an authentic feeling.
    And I know this too, shall pass.
  8. Mikiesboy

    Retirement

    By Mikiesboy,


    My Life and Times
    So, as some of you know, I stopped working on September 1, 2023. I didn't really retire; I can't do that for twenty-fourish years, but I did quit doing paid work. I realize I'm very lucky to have this opportunity. I am grateful to my Husband, Michael, for making that happen.
    So, what do I do with myself? Not a lot. I spend time at home, looking after the house, and with spring here, there's the garden, which will keep me busy. I've completed a few knitting projects and have started to make my first sweater. That's fun. 
    I will try to read more completed works on GA. Authors need support and feedback. I've blogged about this before, but authors should support each other the best we can.
    I've written a bit and hope to write more poetry.  I posted five for the 2024 poetry Antho.  I'm working with an editor on a longer piece, which is complete but still in editing. I've started another dystopian-type piece, which I hope will be ready for the anthology in October (I think).  I've also edited a story with a new GA author, which has turned out to be an excellent and well-told story with the help of another GA author who beta-read.
    Not working has been good for my health, especially my mental health.  i have been thinking about what more i can do.
    i'm happy to help around GA. i hope to post more.  i'm also considering volunteer work and looking at options.
     
    I know many people have no choice but to work. I felt some guilt about that, and I still do, but hopefully, my job went to someone who needed it.
     
  9. Mikiesboy

    Life ... Really?

    By Mikiesboy,


    My Life and Times
    This morning i was thinking about a conversation i had with a fellow writer last night, about a forum post i read and a newspaper column i read a few minutes ago.
    Then I thought, what the f*ck? If you took all of those and used them as examples to explain what life is and what living is, no one in their right mind would want to live one.
    None of it was good news or happy news.  My friend's life is hard right now. The forum post was from a writer whose life is painful and difficult due to mental illness. The newspaper article was about love and grief and a dead dog.
    A year ago, I tried very hard to end my life.  Very hard. There are lots of reasons why. It wasn't the first time, but i really meant it. Nearly succeeded. Mental health and mental illness are real things, a fact of life for lots of us.  Made worse by things out of our control, like the pandemic.
    There is so much negativity in our lives that sometimes it overwhelms us to the point we cannot see the point. Why go on? How to go on?
    All we can do is pick up our feet one at a time and go forward. Reach out to others by talking and writing. Even a private message is a start.
    Try to stop doing negative things ... we all know what they are. Doom scrolling, social media, alcohol and non-prescription drugs ... do something real, like walk outside, paint/colour a picture, knit, crochet, phone someone who cares about you.  Exercise can make you feel better; outside is even better.  Take a friend, and your pup/ (cat if willing!), if you have one.
    Do something creative with your hands and brain, rather than watch other people's lives. Make your own.
    Don't hide alone. People can be our enemy but also our salvation.
  10. Mikiesboy

    Catching Up

    By Mikiesboy,


    My Life and Times
    So... Kidnapped is still nearly finished, i've added a few more chapters, and i think i'm finally working on the last one. I sort of got interrupted by working on the Secret Author story. I will finish Kidnapped and post it. Then there's the one for the anthology. That needs to be finished too. It's a maybe, if I'm honest. 
    What else? Oh, we are living now with our other partner, Dan, in his nice smallish house. It's mostly quiet here, and i love the garden and sitting out there with Michael and Dan. Okay, yes, there was the mad party at the neighbour's this past weekend with their really awful karaoke, but we escaped into the house. So all good.
    i think right now i'm the happiest i've ever been. i feel very at peace, even though work is awful, but as of August 1, i only have to do that for another 21 days, and then i am going to leave there. Michael earns enough now to keep me, lol. So, i'm going to let Him. Maybe I'll look for another job at some point, but not a full-time one.
    Right now, i feel stable mentally. Since the suicide attempt in February, i've been okay. Having this place and Dan around has helped. While i was in the hospital, they messed with my meds again, and things are really good. i rarely have really low days. i have no doubt that at some point things will get rough, but with any luck it won't last too long.
    The secret author contest was fun. Honestly, i didn't think there would be a winner, but I probably missed that in the info. No, i did not win, but It's fine; there are better writers than me on GA, and there were a couple that certainly deserved to win! i am happy for all the authors that put something out there.  i think a good time was had by all. The aftermath,  discussions, comments, and reviews have been interesting too.
    Well, i cannot think of anything more to torture you with! i hope all of you are doing well .. if so, continue on!
  11. Mikiesboy

    Time to Live

    By Mikiesboy,


    My Life and Times
    While i've not gotten Covid, it did a number on me and lots of others, too, i know. 
    This week i managed to write and post a poem, the first in what 2 years?  I am so very nearly finished with Kidnapped (working title)  ... i have edited the first 6 chapters and finishing writing chapter 20.  I will finish it.
    i was inspired to after events in the last week. my FiL has cancer he's been fighting it for over a year now, and on Saturday, my MiL called and said that he'd like to see everyone. So, we all went down to the Toronto Western, where he has been for the past 8 weeks.
    There's been just so much ... small strokes, catheters, chemo, rehab, a lot of discomfort and pain and so much more.
    My MiL spends each day there at the hospital. Often from 9 am to 11 pm, comforting and helping him.
    Due to Covid we cannot visit his room. But he has a super wheelchair, and he came down to the very big lobby/food court. I'd seen him last at Christmas time. He was thin, but on Sunday, he was not the same man. Skeletal is the best word i can think of. He barely knew us but would brighten now and again. He's on a lot of medication.
    i watched my MiL roll him in and my heart just broke. This profound sadness washed over me and i couldn't see how he'd come back from this. They cannot give him more chemo and he's in no way healthy enough for rehab.  They are looking for a hospice that is pet friendly so his sweet cat can visit.  He wants to go home or at least get out of the hospital so he can see her.
    Why am i telling you all of this?  i realized that life is so fleeting. My attempts to end my own wasn't enough to show me that. i decided that i need to make changes. i need to finish things that are important to me. i need to stop worrying about things that i cannot change; that are not my a fault. I need to work less, which is going to happen, in the next 6 months or less, i hope.  .. NO! i don't hope.. it's going to happen.  i will either work part time or not at all.
    I'm a good writer ... i have 3 good stories that are nearly done and I'm going to finish them.
    Here's a small scene from chapter 6 of Kidnapped:
    Thanks for reading. Now get out there and live. xo
  12. Mikiesboy

    The End

    By Mikiesboy,


    My Life and Times
    *************      WARNING... thoughts about death and dying.   **************
     
    To be honest, the thought of dying was terrifying to me.
    i thought about it all the time. First thought in the morning and the last at night. For years.
    Today, maybe i'm more accepting that, frankly, there is no damn choice in the matter. Now maybe how i die is what i dwell on. If given a choice, i'd rather just go to sleep and not wake up.
    That's why surgery really doesn't scare me. If i die there, i'll never know about it.
    Lingering scares me. i watched my mum die a slow death when i was a kid. She was brave but in pain and it was horrible to see her suffer and leave me more and more each day. I don't want to die that way. I know she didn't either.
    Leaving people behind scares me too. i don't want them to hurt. i guess as well, i don't want to be forgotten.
    But, realistically, most of us will be.  i don't have children to carry on the family or anything, either. People who knew me will remember, until their time comes too.
    And i wonder, likes lots of us, is this it?  Is there more (i really don't think so) but it would be cool if there was.  But in the cold light of day, i think this is it. We are a fluke in this universe. We are bits of flotsam and we will just join all those who came before and are now gone.
    We each of us are here for only a brief, shining moment in time.
    i guess we need to do our best with it.
  13. Mikiesboy

    Happiness - whatever that is.

    By Mikiesboy,


    My Life and Times
    Someone said, "I just want you to be happy, tim."
    He's a sweet man. A friend.
    i thought about what he said.
    Happy.        What is that?  I'm not unhappy all of the time. Sometimes i am. Suppose everyone is.
    Most of the time i am aware of the hollowness in my chest. It sits next to my heart and i wonder about the ache and emptiness there. It feels like a hole or entrance to the past. i fight to find and to shut that door, but it never truly closes.
    I don't believe in happiness.
    There are moments of laughter, or a good day or night. But a day never passes where i don't think of the life i lived and cannot leave behind me. How do i just forget the first 20 something years of my life? Didn't it make me who i am now?
    What would i be without it?   Chop it off, like a rotten limb?
    Just put the past behind you. So far, no one has been able to show me how that magic trick is done.
    Ain't gonna happen.  Deal with it.
    There seems to be a need or drive to 'be happy'. To live a happy life, to find happiness. Is it a state of mind? Can we learn it?
    Maybe some have. i never will, but i'm not sad all the time.
    i'm not unhappy.
    i laugh with my Husband. He's a very funny guy. i like talking to my friends, and family.
    i love to laugh.
    Mostly, i'm content. For me, looking at where i came from,  and where i got to ...
    That's enough.
  14. Mikiesboy

    Stuff in my life lately.

    By Mikiesboy,


    My Life and Times
    ***Warning: This is a bit of mess. It's rather like the head it came out of. Just be glad you don't live here full time.
     
    So, i've been away for a while. i'd pop in here and there but i found i just couldn't be here for any length of time.
    There's a lot of sadness here for me.  Things have happened. People deciding things about me, without discussion. Deciding things about me for reasons i'll never understand. And as is normal online, they can just stomp out of the room rather than talk. i'm not saying i'm right and i'm not afraid to apologize if i'm wrong.
    But these people have decided, and i know they sit enveloped within their blanket of smugness.  i wish them well, if pushing me away has helped them in some way.
    Anyway. Whatever. For my own sake, i need to move on.  Problem with that is, i'm not terribly good at leaving the past back there behind me. i am very good at keep my messes raked up fresh and in front of me.
    The other thing is my mental health. I was again moving toward suicide. The thoughts of death and dying, were there, so was the desire to just stop everything.  A good friend said, it's your meds. He was right, of course. But i was not pleasant company for a few days/months.
    You think about suicide because you want these thoughts, the pain and hurt to go away.  i suppose it could be painless for me, but would it painless for those left behind?  Would some of them spend time in the past wondering if they could have done more. Could they have done something or said something that would have kept me from that most ultimate of choices?  i don't think it would be painless for them.  My Husband would be wounded most of all. 
    My doctor said, "Do you want to actually be gone, or do you want the pain you feel to stop?"
    It was the pain we decided. i really don't want to die.   He changed my meds and gave me some rules to follow. Daily exercise, some of it outside.  Proper sleep. These things seem to be helping as does our usual therapy sessions.  i've been doing a bit better.
    A friend was coming over and i said i felt excited about that. i hadn't felt anything like that for a few months.
    i am looking forward more rather than behind me all the time. Writing a little but that's still something i'm deciding about.
    Suicide isn't painless and there is help. Telling someone is so hard mostly because you don't want to talk about it or hear about it. You're already suffering and saying it makes it real and no longer a secret.
    There is no happiness without some pain. If you're feeling you're on the edge, don't be afraid to tell someone. Don't be afraid to lean on someone. The people who love you are more than willing to catch you.
    let them
  15. Mikiesboy

    Veggie Delivery

    By Mikiesboy,


    My Life and Times
    We signed up for weekly veggie delivery. Their mandate is to distribute fruit and vegetables that are not 'good' enough to sell to the usual markets and stores and sell them to subscribers weekly. It's $18 for the 'solo' box and $3 for delivery.
    So far it's been great. We've eaten everything, tried new things and enjoyed it all. We've had the most amazingly fresh food. It's cheaper and so much better than what we can purchase in our local grocery store. We've had the best peaches and cantaloupe we've had in years.
    We get our box of veg on Thursday and then figure out what to make with all the things we have.  Then do groceries on Friday.
    Our diet is more varied. Best move we've made in years. 
    Who knew there were Baby Gold Peaches?  So different from what we usually know as peaches.
    Luckily we both like just about every vegetable which makes it easier for us to enjoy this.
    Check around your neck of the woods, maybe they there's a local option.
     
  16. Mikiesboy

    Cancelling Canada Day - Should We?

    By Mikiesboy,


    My Life and Times
    Canada Day, July 1st. A National Holiday in Canada, but what is Canada Day?  Well, to lots of us it's a day off work.
    To me, it is just that normally. But since I'm writing this blog, this year it's been on my mind a bit more.
    The Government of Canada website says this: It's the Day Canadians across the country and around the world show their pride in their history, culture and achievements. It's been a day of celebration, where many festivities are held across the country, since 1868.
    But with what's been happening in connection with racism, and other prejudices, the horrors of Residential Schools and the discoveries of so many unmarked graves, there's been calls to cancel it. 
    Here's one woman's take on it:
    "I don't think it should be cancelled. I realize we've had some very troubling revelations, but the way forward is not to stop aspiring to be a better country, and it's not to try and erase the existence of a country or erase history. It's about acknowledging it and and trying to do something better.
    "While acknowledging the pain of our Indigenous brothers and sisters, there's lots of suffering throughout Canada's history and even today. I'm a  Muslim woman, I'm a racialized person. We have our places of worship burned down, vandalized with swastikas. I've been driven out of the first home I bought, which was in a small town in Canada, because the racist locals made my life so unbearable, I had to flee.
    "There's  a lot for me personally to be upset about when it comes to our country, our history and fellow Canadians. But I still want to look forward. I still want to be positive.... Life here can't just be suffering. It's also a little bit of community and fellowship and joy. That's worth celebrating to me." - Aziza Mohammed
    I agree with her myself. I think the date should be important, but why we celebrate should change. It should be a day to remember the bad and think of how far we've come, what we need to do and celebrate all our cultures. I want to look forward with people like Aziza Mohammed. We cannot make Canada a better place unless we work together, learn about and support each other and stand together and say no to hate.
  17. Mikiesboy

    Mindfulness

    By Mikiesboy,

    I messed up today. Again.  And i spoke to Michael about it, and asked his permission to write this.
     
     
     
    For a long time, I'd heard this term: mindfulness. It sounded so much like a catchphrase because everyone was using it. Be mindful.



    What the heck does that even mean? Took me a while to figure it out even after I'd looked it up.

     

    Turns out I am pretty bad at it. The Doms in my life tell me so. Sometimes directly, sometimes in other ways.  I wasn't mindful when discussing something recently. I had to be reminded again, that being mindful is a good thing for a submissive (like me) to be.
     
    There are other uses for mindfulness, other than learning to be a better boy.

     

    My shrink thinks the same thing. 

     

    I wanted to stop taking antidepressants. So he said to me, "I want to try  MBCT, or Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy with you."  I agreed.

     

    We worked on that for some time while he weaned me off the drugs completely.

     

    MBCT is educates you about depression using CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), and mindfulness to  accept feelings and thoughts, rather than just reacting to them. This is especially hard for me, since I am a very reactive person generally.

     

    The theory is that people like me who become who have been depressed and are distressed will repeat the same cognitive processes that trigger their depression in the first place. So MBCT interrupts that process and the person learns to focus less on what triggers them, and can look at the triggers from a higher level so to speak. Mindfulness helps me notice the trigger, and I can look at it from a more objective place and ask for help, or realize I need to make a change, therefore hopefully stopping a full-fledged depressive episode.

     

    Sadly, it didn't work for me as after a few weeks with no drugs, I began having suicidal thoughts and slipped easily into that slick-sided rabbit hole.

     

    Needless to say I am back on a mild antidepressant and still using MBCT. It, in conjunction with the medication seems to be working for me. I find myself telling someone that my thoughts are in a bad place. I usually know what the trigger was, and often I just need to get up and do something else for a while.

     

    Stepping away from what triggered me and telling Sir, or a friend that I'm struggling, often helps me get through the episode successfully. My doctor said, I need to face the fact I will likely need medication for the rest of my life for depression. I have accepted that now, but I have hope that they can remain this mild option.

     

    Now all I need to do is learn to be a more mindful about other areas in my life. I'm not purposefully unthinking, but I often am.


     
  18. Mikiesboy

    Doors

    By Mikiesboy,

    ******* WARNING ******* Do not read if you are offended or triggered by references to suicide.
     
    I know I am dreaming as I lay in this fog. Sounds fade in and out, echoing as I drift away to other places and lands.
    I know also time is fleeting and there is very little future ahead of me. This I know to be true. Some truths are self-evident. This is one of those truths. We can deny it, pretend otherwise, wish, rail, scream and beg, but time does not wait. It marches forward and we can think we slow it, but that’s a fool’s errand.
    Life. We say each is worth living. But is that a truth?
    No. For many it is not. For too many, life is a slog, a drag to live in poverty and misery. Or if not, perhaps in the hell only mental illness can make. It can be a place of such horror and pain, suicide is a welcoming door.
    That door has tempted me in the past and still does today. Doctors offer treatment in the form of pills and talk. Often it works for short periods. But lately … lately the pull of that door has become stronger. Lately, I’ve found my hand upon the doorknob. The desire to turn it and step over the threshold is strong and getting stronger.
    I don’t feel this always. There are times when life is good. Where I see worth in the day and in others. There are projects to finish and to start.  But I wonder why?
    Why do this? What does it matter? The sands of time will cover all and my time here will mean nothing. Sooner than later there will be nothing left of me and those who knew me will disappear also.
    And yet we strive. I can only suppose it keeps us from thinking about what is to come.
     
    While I appreciate you deciding to read this, but there is no need to comment on it.
  19. Mikiesboy
    Readers for the most part are here to read. Not help us improve. Nothing wrong with that and mostly it's all good. That's the big draw on GA, the interactions with others. It's brilliant. I love the comments readers leave.
    But there really is no book or magic beans or contract with the devil which will make you a better writer. So how to improve?
    First you need some talent for the written word.
    Second and maybe the biggest thing is: Authors have to improve themselves. 
    It is lonely, hard and soul tearing work. 
    How do we improve?
    We do that by reading. Everyday.
    We do that by paying attention to writers we like.
    We listen to our editor and beta readers.  My editor, told me. He is skilled and has been writing for years. And i listened, and i worked.
    And you write.
    And write and write and write and then write some more. And you read your work and say, "Gah, that is shit."
    It is not your child, or baby, it is your work.
    And if your work is crap, you throw it out and you do it again.
    That's how authors who want to, improve.
  20. Mikiesboy
    Many of us observe the world through a window

    Nature entertains us with wind, rain and snow

    Crows dive and swoop over tree tops

    While squirrels run and gambol with no fear,

    — wondering where the nuts are.

     
    My poetry has been limited lately .. but i haven't lost my sense of humour completely yet.
    Prose too, is suffering, though in the last few days I've been able to write a bit more on the new story @Wayne Gray and i are writing. Not a lot though, maybe 1,600 words over the past three days. It is hard to concentrate for long periods, at least for me.
    I read an article by Erica Wensley a writer for the Chronicle Herald. She lives in Halifax and like residents there is coping with COVID-19 and the worst mass shooting in Canadian history. There is a link to the article here.
    As she says, this is not the time to push ourselves. This is not the time to force creativity or productivity. Do not feel guilty if you order in tonight, or if you just want to watch silly sitcoms or netflix or whatever it is you like to watch.
    This was an ahha moment for me when i read this: Those who still have jobs are not simply working from home, but, as a viral tweet aptly states, “are at your home during a crisis, trying to work.”  This hit me hard ... the truth of it. I don't know how long I'll be home doing my job. Some days it isn't easy at all. Some days it's just fine. There is too much unknown for me and i feel like i'm slowly cracking around the edges.
    Some days i can cope, others less so. I am overly emotional, often sad, without an obvious reason. Watching six cellists from the TSO (Toronto Symphony Orchestra) play Over the Rainbow together, remotely just made me cry this morning. Watching After Life on Netflix makes me cry but there's reasons for that. I think i need some comedy.
    If you can write or draw or read ... do it. If you do needlework or other crafts and feel like it ... do it. But do not feel bad on the days you can't or just don't want to. 
    Doing some breathing exercises, like they teach in yoga can help, so can walking and other exercise.  Something i've done in the past, with audio aids - hypnosis - can also reduce anxiety. It's a really cool thing actually.
    We need to practice self-compassion now. I know because i am very hard on myself usually. We need to say to ourselves, it's okay, you're not lazy, you're not pretending. We need to be as kind to ourselves as we are to our friends and loved ones who turn to us for support.
    You can read more about self-compassion here.  When i started to read this ... i wanted to push it away, but allow yourself to read with an open mind. Hopefully, you'll find one or two things which may help during these trying times.
    Hang in there and be kind to yourself.
  21. Mikiesboy
    So, i have been home since March 16, 2020.
    I think working from home, really brought home to me really how serious this virus is. Yes, i'd read about it and all the deaths in China. Read about people trying to get back to Canada and people stuck on cruise ships. But the Bank doing this huge about face and letting us work from home, really made it real.
    The first few weeks i really struggled. i felt lost and afraid. i could feel it in my back and shoulders, in my chest. It felt like someone was standing on it. I became borderline obsessive reading the online news over and over. i would read stories of people who had suffered through this and told their stories. Stories of surviving it, of losing people who had been young and healthy.  i was absolutely terrified.
    Michael knew of course, and did His best to calm me. He protects me the best that He can. Friends did the same. 
    I began, at a friend's urging, to try yoga. I have issues with my joints so i found a short yoga program designed for seniors. No kneeling, and it was short; 7 minutes.  Frankly i am amazed at just how much doing that short routine has helped me.  I feel calmer, and more centered. I no longer feel trapped.
    If you are feeling alone and afraid, do something.
    Here is the link to the little yoga program i do.  I also like this place. https://www.yogajournal.com/videos/joint-freeing-series
    I am no yoga master and i do not think i ever will be, but these short times i spend on myself right now are huge, even with the small investment of time.  It somehow makes me aware of myself and the inner strength i truly do have.
    Spend a bit of time on you, try it, allow it. I think you will feel better.
    Hang in there.  We can get through this ... reach out and talk.  You are welcome to join us in the Drop in Centre anytime.
  22. Mikiesboy
    I work in customer service.
    Customer Service. Sometimes it seems we are so bound up in rules, laws, and policies, that we do anything but serve our customers. Most of us there want to, really want to help. Most of us have empathy and care ... even though there are times we want to slap some of them when they are obnoxious and rude.
    This week, well yesterday in fact, something happened. Something simple, that made my whole week worthwhile.
    Background: We offer a program that let's international students send money to Canada before they arrive here. This way they have proof of funds here and this can aid them in obtaining their necessary study documents for immigration. It's fairly straightforward. Mostly.
    One guy came onto my chat Tuesday and asked me to check to see if his wire transfer had been received. It can take 5 business days to get them to the Bank and then matched with the right account. It wasn't there. He was so worried about losing the year he'd paid for, he'd had his medical done, fingerprints etc. All paid for.  He only had a few days to submit his study permit request. He was so upset, i offered to monitor his account and i'd let him know when his wire was finally there.
    After 3 days of this, yesterday it was there. I happily sent him an e-mail with the good news.
    Who arrived on my chat by chance a couple of hours later begging for more help?  Yep, my friend. 
    I do this part of the job, but it's really not my area of expertise. I'd always been told we can't rush things, can't do anything but let the process happen. But i felt for this guy who really needed help. So, thinking i already knew what the answer would be i walked over to one of the two people who know more about this than i do.
    I told James my situation. He shook his head no ... but then said, well, let me see the account.  Returning to my desk he looked. I knew the document the kid needed was there. James called Ava over ... She looked. She said, oh i know this kid too. She said, download the document and then attach it to a secure email and send it to him.
    I said: Can we do that?  She said: We do it sometimes. In cases like this, when it is necessary, we do it.
    That was a huge thing. I could actually make this kid's day. I downloaded and attached the file and sent it. He got it, opened it. It worked ... it really actually worked.
    It made a difference. To him and to me. To him, it saved the day and a lot of time and money.
    It made me glad, i do what i do.
    And at the end of the day ... what more could i ask for?
  23. Mikiesboy

    Pickled Garlic

    By Mikiesboy,

    I was out with Michael last week, in a local grocery store and while He was looking at poppadoms ... i wandered off. 
     
    Wow, i found pickled garlic. Pickled garlic if you've never had it, is a wonderful thing. Delicious with a steak, a good sandwich or served with antipasto or just cold cuts. 
    But i digress, this store, which has ideas above its station, had small jars of pickled garlic on SALE for $7.99. I mean if there were two full heads of garlic in there i'd be surprised. The regular price is $10.99.
     
    Mmmm, i wanted some.  But this boy is not paying that price.
     
    Fresh pickles are a glorious food. They are still recognizable as what they were. Cucumber still has it's clean flavour, onions are still aromatic and garlic is garlic just mellower.  I often quickly pickle some red onion to have with burgers or on curry. You only need a few hours, the produce of course, and a few basic ingredients.  Things like mustard seed, fennel seed, whole black peppercorns, red pepper flakes, red or white vinegar and some sugar. 
     
    All those are nice but i often don't have them, well except the peppercorns (always grind your own pepper!!).  So i make the pickling liquid from what i have.. sometimes water, vinegar, pepper and sugar. If i have whole seed mustard i add a bit, or even just some ballpark or Dijon... just a teaspoon or so. 
     
    Pack your sliced onion, or cucumbers or nice garlic (buy the freshest you can find) peeled of course into a heat proof jar. Pour the pickling liquid over the top. Put on the lid and stick it in the fridge.  In a few hours... heaven.  There is a basic recipe below but add a bay leaf and a couple of peppercorns if that is all you have in...
     
    I'd recommend dropping the garlic cloves into a bit of boiling water and cooking for 3 minutes.  Then pack in a heatproof jar. Then add the following to small saucepan and boil until  the sugar disolves. Then pour over your garlic:
     
    ·        ⅔ cup water
    ·        ⅓ cup white or red vinegar
    ·        ¼ cup sugar
    ·        1¼ teaspoons kosher salt
    ·        ½ teaspoon whole black peppercorns
    ·        ½ teaspoon mustard seeds
    ·        ½ teaspoon fennel seeds
    ·        ½ teaspoon crushed red pepper
    Refrigerate the jar(s) for up to a month.
     
    But don't keep it... eat it!!   The above can be used for any pickled vegetable. These need to be in the fridge and eaten. They will not last like your jar of Vlasics !!
     
    Enjoy ... Make your own food!
     
  24. Mikiesboy
    i am grateful for many things in my life. i have been Michael's collared sub for nearly ten years.  i am grateful for that. i am grateful for all He does for me and for us.
     
    i am truly grateful.  i am not very good at showing that i am.  i am not very good at telling Sir that i am.
     
    my rules have become blurred, and lazy and i do things by rote.   i am working to correct this.
     
    many subs greet their Dom in the same way ... we kneel and our Dom pulls us close into their body and holds us there. there may be more but not always. it is a time to reconnect and part of that is their scent.  when i am upset or distracted, Michael's scent can calm me as much as the hug. it is home and safety.  Touch is part of that too. Most subs like to be close.
     
    i have ensured lately that i thank Him, while i kneel there, before He releases me.
     
    He does much so i do not have to; things like laundry, shopping, and prepping dinner. He looks after me, thanks me for cooking, or washing His back, or for making His tea. I asked Him once why, saying he shouldn't need to thank me.
     
    He smiled at me. "Of course, I must, boy. you need to know you are loved and that I am grateful for you too."
     
    That He is is very humbling to this boy.
     
    i love this Life. That i am in it, is because of Him.  thank You, Sir, this boy is properly grateful.
  25. Mikiesboy
    The Things They Carried is a wonderful book. 
     
    It is a book about the Vietnam war, especially about a group of American soldiers. I've read a few books about the war, and I've always been fascinated about the treatment of those returning. No ticker tape parades for them. Bad things happened in that police action, I know.
     
    This book was written by Tim O'Brien. He himself is written into the story because he was there, yet it is fiction. And I cannot be positive, but I'm sure much of it is true, though it is fiction. It's an intense book of short stories which are masterfully melded together. Tom O'Brien is a talented writer. This book was nominated for the Pulitzer Prize.  His style is clear and the language used is simple. Yet, it is emotional, you cannot, not continue, it is just that powerful. 
     
    It is about men. Soldiers. The ugliness of war and their reaction to it was hard to read. So much so, there were times i had to  put the book aside for a day.
     
    There are stories, for example, about Tim climbing a tree to pick up the parts of his friend, Curt Lemon that he could retrieve, and dropping them to the ground. Curt had been laughing one minute and then stepped on a mine. Rat Kiley's reaction after Curt's death, when they came across a lone baby water buffalo is difficult to read and imagine. I put the book down for a day at that point.
     
    But i think if you're a man you should read this. If you want to understand what men are capable of in good and bad times, you should read this. I think if you want to see beautiful writing you should read this.
     
    There is one interesting chapter called Good Form:
     
    It's time to be blunt.
     
    I'm forty-three years old, true, and I'm a writer now, and a long time ago I walked through Quang Ngai Province as a foot soldier.
    Almost everything else is invented.
     
    But it's not a game. It's a form. Right here, now, as I invent myself, I'm thinking of all I want to tell you about why this book is written as it is. For instance, I want to tell you this: twenty years ago I watched a man die on a trail near the village of My Khe. I did not kill him. But I was present, you see, and my presence was guilt enough. I remember his face, which was not a pretty face, because his jaw was in this throat, and I remember feeling the burden of responsibility and grief. I blamed myself. And rightly so, because I was present.
     
    But listen. Even that story is made up.
     
    I want you to feel what I felt. I want you to know why story-truth is truer sometimes than happening-truth.
     
    Here is the happening-truth. I was once a soldier. There were many bodies, real bodies with real faces, but I was young then and I was afraid to look. And now, twenty years later, I'm left with faceless responsibility and faceless grief.
     
    Here is story-truth. He was a slim, dead, almost dainty young man of about twenty. He lay in the center of a red clay trail near the village of My Khe. His jaw was in his throat. His one eye was shut, the other eye was a star-shaped hole. I killed him
     
    What stories can do, I guess is make things present.
     
    I can look at things i never looked at. I can attach faces to grief and love and pity and God. I can be brave. I can make myself feel again.
     
    "Daddy, tell the truth." Kathleen can say, "did you ever kill anybody?" And I can say, honestly, "Of course not."
     
    Or I can say, honestly, "Yes."
     
    I wrote the above chapter out because to me it is very telling, and i understand it. It is back and forth, yin and yang, it is much like war and Vietnam itself.
     
    The Things They Carried is a beautiful book. It is a book about human grace, horror, humanity, love, guilt and sorrow.
     
    I dare you to read it.
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