Mikiesboy's Blog

Vcs · Monday at 04:53 PM

Oh tim, I’m so sorry you’re having such a tough time. It’s exhausting trying to explain to others the tiredness that comes with depression. Even others with milder forms don’t get it. Sending with this is a warm, gentle hug, wishes for relief, and brighter days.

There are so many of us who fight this battle. Just reading your words brought a breath of relief, knowing someone understands that kind of tiredness.

chris191070 · Monday at 05:00 PM

I'm sorry your having such a hard time tim.

Whilst I don't have depression myself, my Husband has suffered all his life with it. So I understand where you are coming from.

Take care x

MichaelS36 · Monday at 06:10 PM

I / we can't fix it for you. If I could, I would. And I cannot imagine the energy it takes for you to fight each day, to live, to breath because I know it is a fight and it is hard and I know you wonder if the reward is worth the cost.

Only you can decide that and those words are so very hard for me to say.

Edited Monday at 06:59 PM by MichaelS36

kbois · Monday at 08:04 PM

My dear friend, I'm sorry that you are fighting a battle not very many people can even dare to fathom. There is no one-size-fits-all treatment. The best you can do is listen to what your doctors as suggest and weigh the pros and cons carefully and hope to hell something will help again.

People say, you'll be okay, just rest, take care of yourself, just take a walk, get fresh air. Presently, i'm struggling to do any of those things.

Of course to you're struggling. You've dealt with a lot in the past year. Your struggles are real. It might suck, and you might not feel like it but it's good that Michael is dragging your ass out for a walk and Brutus needs to sniff every blade of grass just to find 'the right spot'.

You know I'm just a click away and will listen if you need to vent.

Hugs xoxo ❤️

Reader1810 · Monday at 09:55 PM

You are one of the best people I know, so I’m sorry your life is not the smooth sailing you so richly deserve.

Sending positive thoughts to you and the docs with fingers crossed they will find something that will help you in a the way you need it to.

:heart: you lots, timothy james.

Edited Monday at 09:55 PM by Reader1810

lawfulneutralmage · 2026-05-19T17:00:48Z

I cannot add much that would not sound hollow.

You are loved! That's much more than others have. I hope it is enough!

Wayne Gray · 2026-05-20T14:29:36Z

I've loved (and still do) a man with severe depression. The only thing that seemed to help him was Ketamine, and he was genuinely doing better with a tiny dose of that drug than anything else he'd tried. For three months, he had his life back. He went back to work after almost a year of being unable to, and he was just so bright again. It was like finding someone who'd been lost in a deep, dark wood.

His provider moved away. And he searched for another who would prescribe the med. No one else local would. Even with him showing proof that this was the only thing that helped him. So I watched as he slowly disappeared again. Under this tide of chemistry he couldn't fight.

Eventually, he moved. He had to. Left to find a city with providers willing to prescribe what he needed. Now, he's back to doing well. He just had to leave to do it.

Ketamine may work for you. It may not. But just the fact that you have the option is encouraging. Because that means you have all the tools available to find what does work.

I only know a tiny sliver of how hard it is to get up. Breathe. Eat. Move. And I have the deepest respect for him and for you, for doing exactly that. Thanks for encouraging people to get help. This isn't something people can just "walk off." And treating it like it is is less than unhelpful. It's dangerous.

Good luck with the treatment plan, tim. you've fought a long time, and I'd love to see that come to fruition.

Mikiesboy · 2026-05-20T15:35:55Z

@Vcs, @chris191070 thanks. i appreciate your thoughts. It helps knowing others that know.

@kbois thank you for being there

@Reader1810 love you too ... i feel i don't tell you enough

@lawfulneutralmage thank you .. You're right, i'm luckier than many

@Wayne Gray i'm glad he's doing better now. i was always sorry he had to leave to get what he needed.

We have a meeting on Friday with my psychiatrist and the doc who handles the ECT program at the hospital. Because of the process and changes to meds they are talking about in-hospital treatment and a stay of a week at least. There's a danger of seizures. i will go, but i don't want to. We'll talk about other treatments and stuff as well.

Yesterday Michael and i went out for dinner, which was nice. I bought some new bakeware so i can make more at one time, rather than baking things singly, then i can freeze things. That was my plan for the day, but i have a headache and feel anxious and stressed so i'm not going to do that today.

The weather is so nice and cool after the mini heat wave. i'm just gonna go out and mess around in the garden, and then go walk the dog, and make dinner. Yeah, that's the plan.

Gary L · 2026-05-20T18:32:06Z

A huge hug from me, Tim. I got lucky with v decent psychiatrist many yrs ago and have needed therapy on other occasions. I’m fortunate in that now I’m retired my stress levels have dropped significantly and what Churchill called the Black Dog is leaving me alone.

I wish you all the best for the hospital. Much love, Gary

Mikiesboy · 2026-05-20T22:03:22Z

3 hours ago, Gary L said:

A huge hug from me, Tim. I got lucky with v decent psychiatrist many yrs ago and have needed therapy on other occasions. I’m fortunate in that now I’m retired my stress levels have dropped significantly and what Churchill called the Black Dog is leaving me alone.

I wish you all the best for the hospital. Much love, Gary

I'm glad for you. My doc is wonderful and i trust him. Funnily I wrote a poem/lyrics called The Black Dog Blues...

The Black Dog Blues

The black dog lingers at my door,
A shadow I can't outrun,
Paws soft upon the wooden floor,
It finds me, even in the sun.

Its eyes are pools of molten jet,
Dark mirrors of my soul,
It weaves its way through every thought,
And claims a piece – a toll.

It’ll never be forever.
The black dog never stays away,
It lurks in corners, out of sight,
Until it claims its prey.

It lays in wait for me at night,
And my heart pounds within my chest,
Its forbidding presence feeds my fears,
And steals all hope of rest.

I try to breathe and break the chains
But still, it claws my mind,
The black dog has no boundaries,
It's always close behind.

It’ll never be forever,
The black dog never stays away,
It lurks in corners, out of sight,
Until it claims its prey.

Yet, some days it grows tired,
Lays down, and lets me breathe,
During those fleeting moments,
I get then, some reprieve.

So, I walk with the beast beside me,
A silent, shadowed friend,
The black dog never truly leaves,
And I know it’ll never end

And I know it's not forever,
The black dog never stays away,
It lurks in corners, out of sight,
Until it claims its prey.

Edited 1 hour ago by Mikiesboy

Gary L · 2026-05-20T22:05:30Z

1 minute ago, Mikiesboy said:

I'm glad for you. My doc is wonderful and i trust him. Funnily I wrote a poem/lyrics for a poem called The Black Dog Blues...

The Black Dog Blues

The black dog lingers at my door,
A shadow I can't outrun,
Paws soft upon the wooden floor,
It finds me, even in the sun.

Its eyes are pools of molten jet,
Dark mirrors of my soul,
It weaves its way through every thought,
And claims a piece – a toll.

It’ll never be forever.
The black dog never stays away,
It lurks in corners, out of sight,
Until it claims its prey.

It lays in wait for me at night,
And my heart pounds within my chest,
Its forbidding presence feeds my fears,
And steals all hope of rest.

I try to breathe and break the chains
But still, it claws my mind,
The black dog has no boundaries,
It's always close behind.

It’ll never be forever,
The black dog never stays away,
It lurks in corners, out of sight,
Until it claims its prey.

Yet, some days it grows tired,
Lays down, and lets me breathe,
During those fleeting moments,
I get then, some reprieve.

So, I walk with the beast beside me,
A silent, shadowed friend,
The black dog never truly leaves,
And I know it’ll never end

And I know it's not forever,
The black dog never stays away,
It lurks in corners, out of sight,
Until it claims its prey.

Powerful stuff, Tim. 🤗

Vcs · 2026-05-20T22:09:19Z

3 minutes ago, Mikiesboy said:

I'm glad for you. My doc is wonderful and i trust him. Funnily I wrote a poem/lyrics called The Black Dog Blues...

The Black Dog Blues

The black dog lingers at my door,
A shadow I can't outrun,
Paws soft upon the wooden floor,
It finds me, even in the sun.

Its eyes are pools of molten jet,
Dark mirrors of my soul,
It weaves its way through every thought,
And claims a piece – a toll.

It’ll never be forever.
The black dog never stays away,
It lurks in corners, out of sight,
Until it claims its prey.

It lays in wait for me at night,
And my heart pounds within my chest,
Its forbidding presence feeds my fears,
And steals all hope of rest.

I try to breathe and break the chains
But still, it claws my mind,
The black dog has no boundaries,
It's always close behind.

It’ll never be forever,
The black dog never stays away,
It lurks in corners, out of sight,
Until it claims its prey.

Yet, some days it grows tired,
Lays down, and lets me breathe,
During those fleeting moments,
I get then, some reprieve.

So, I walk with the beast beside me,
A silent, shadowed friend,
The black dog never truly leaves,
And I know it’ll never end

And I know it's not forever,
The black dog never stays away,
It lurks in corners, out of sight,
Until it claims its prey.

Painfully beautiful. That black dog just refuses to stay away, leaving those in the fight feeling exactly like prey. What an amazing gift you have.

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Boring Myself to Death

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