***Warning: This is a bit of mess. It's rather like the head it came out of. Just be glad you don't live here full time.
So, i've been away for a while. i'd pop in here and there but i found i just couldn't be here for any length of time.
There's a lot of sadness here for me. Things have happened. People deciding things about me, without discussion. Deciding things about me for reasons i'll never understand. And as is normal online, they can just stomp out of the room rather than talk. i'm not saying i'm right and i'm not afraid to apologize if i'm wrong.
But these people have decided, and i know they sit enveloped within their blanket of smugness. i wish them well, if pushing me away has helped them in some way.
Anyway. Whatever. For my own sake, i need to move on. Problem with that is, i'm not terribly good at leaving the past back there behind me. i am very good at keep my messes raked up fresh and in front of me.
The other thing is my mental health. I was again moving toward suicide. The thoughts of death and dying, were there, so was the desire to just stop everything. A good friend said, it's your meds. He was right, of course. But i was not pleasant company for a few days/months.
You think about suicide because you want these thoughts, the pain and hurt to go away. i suppose it could be painless for me, but would it painless for those left behind? Would some of them spend time in the past wondering if they could have done more. Could they have done something or said something that would have kept me from that most ultimate of choices? i don't think it would be painless for them. My Husband would be wounded most of all.
My doctor said, "Do you want to actually be gone, or do you want the pain you feel to stop?"
It was the pain we decided. i really don't want to die. He changed my meds and gave me some rules to follow. Daily exercise, some of it outside. Proper sleep. These things seem to be helping as does our usual therapy sessions. i've been doing a bit better.
A friend was coming over and i said i felt excited about that. i hadn't felt anything like that for a few months.
i am looking forward more rather than behind me all the time. Writing a little but that's still something i'm deciding about.
Suicide isn't painless and there is help. Telling someone is so hard mostly because you don't want to talk about it or hear about it. You're already suffering and saying it makes it real and no longer a secret.
There is no happiness without some pain. If you're feeling you're on the edge, don't be afraid to tell someone. Don't be afraid to lean on someone. The people who love you are more than willing to catch you.