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Stuff in my life lately.


Mikiesboy

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***Warning: This is a bit of mess. It's rather like the head it came out of. Just be glad you don't live here full time.

 

So, i've been away for a while. i'd pop in here and there but i found i just couldn't be here for any length of time.

There's a lot of sadness here for me.  Things have happened. People deciding things about me, without discussion. Deciding things about me for reasons i'll never understand. And as is normal online, they can just stomp out of the room rather than talk. i'm not saying i'm right and i'm not afraid to apologize if i'm wrong.

But these people have decided, and i know they sit enveloped within their blanket of smugness.  i wish them well, if pushing me away has helped them in some way.

Anyway. Whatever. For my own sake, i need to move on.  Problem with that is, i'm not terribly good at leaving the past back there behind me. i am very good at keep my messes raked up fresh and in front of me.

The other thing is my mental health. I was again moving toward suicide. The thoughts of death and dying, were there, so was the desire to just stop everything.  A good friend said, it's your meds. He was right, of course. But i was not pleasant company for a few days/months.

You think about suicide because you want these thoughts, the pain and hurt to go away.  i suppose it could be painless for me, but would it painless for those left behind?  Would some of them spend time in the past wondering if they could have done more. Could they have done something or said something that would have kept me from that most ultimate of choices?  i don't think it would be painless for them.  My Husband would be wounded most of all. 

My doctor said, "Do you want to actually be gone, or do you want the pain you feel to stop?"

It was the pain we decided. i really don't want to die.   He changed my meds and gave me some rules to follow. Daily exercise, some of it outside.  Proper sleep. These things seem to be helping as does our usual therapy sessions.  i've been doing a bit better.

A friend was coming over and i said i felt excited about that. i hadn't felt anything like that for a few months.

i am looking forward more rather than behind me all the time. Writing a little but that's still something i'm deciding about.

Suicide isn't painless and there is help. Telling someone is so hard mostly because you don't want to talk about it or hear about it. You're already suffering and saying it makes it real and no longer a secret.

There is no happiness without some pain. If you're feeling you're on the edge, don't be afraid to tell someone. Don't be afraid to lean on someone. The people who love you are more than willing to catch you.

let them

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I'm sorry to see that you have had a rough time of things lately and sincerely hope that you are coming out the other side stronger and better for it. If I am one those people that you have referred to in your post then I unreservedly and wholeheartedly apologise as I would never knowingly or intentionally wish to cause harm in any way to anyone.

What you have written takes courage and a special strength, I hope that you can keep that courage and strength within you. I can, to some degree at least, understand what you have experienced and how it has made you feel after having gone through a similar experience. What I wrote and posted in https://gayauthors.org/story/mancunian/a-brief-period-of-life/ explains it best. Luckily I have a good support network which with professional support enables me to be here today. I believe that you too have great support in your husband who I believe is a very loving a supportive man, lean on him and trust in him and it will help.

During my last stay in hospital following, thankfully, an unsuccessful attempt at taking my own life I was placed in a ward  with some great counsellors and nurses who helped me to see thing in different way. Around the ward were many posters created by other survivors, they are of quotes by famous people that had inspired them. I have printed some of these quotes and framed them placing them around my home so that I can have a few helpful reminders when I'm feeling down, I've listed a few in the hope that they may be of help to you too. I wish you well for the future and that you can regain your enjoyment of being a part of GA.

 

Winston Churchill

Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never – in nothing, great or small, large or petty – never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force, never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.”

 

Nelson Mandela

The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.

 

Oprah Winfrey

If you look at what you have in life, you'll always have more. If you look at what you don't have in life, you'll never have enough.

 

Audrey Hepburn

"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, ‘I'm possible!'"

 

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10 hours ago, Mancunian said:

I'm sorry to see that you have had a rough time of things lately

Thanks for your comments.

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On 4/2/2022 at 3:30 PM, chris191070 said:

Hugs tim. 

i'm sorry, chris ... i missed replying to you.  Thanks for your friendship and for being part of our little group.  xo

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2 hours ago, nsfwkid said:

hug time

Thank you. I appreciate the thought. 

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sorry to hear you are having a rough time, tim. with my brothers stoke we enjoy the small things. holding a fork without dropping it, a smile , taking a step. trust the process and when things are rough lean on Michael, Sir 

take care my friend.

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On 4/10/2022 at 12:52 PM, rickproehl said:

sorry to hear you are having a rough time, tim. with my brothers stoke we enjoy the small things. holding a fork without dropping it, a smile , taking a step. trust the process and when things are rough lean on Michael, Sir 

take care my friend.

rick, you are precious ... your words here made me smile.  Your brother is a lucky man to have you by his side.  i'm listening to you as well, thank you xoxo

you're right about Michael, He is my anchor and safety net ...

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17 hours ago, nsfwkid said:

hey what happen

:)  not much has happened, just working and daily living.   Hope you are are well.

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