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A 'What Am I Doing and Why?' Rant (sort of)



Do you ever wonder what you're doing? Sometimes, I think that I don't think at all. I do things often without enough thought, and then there are consequences to deal with—not always huge ones, but still enough to make me wonder.

Lately, I've been telling myself that I need to get up to write and set up a daily routine. I'd get up, but I found all kinds of excuses not to write anything at all.  

Yesterday, I decided, for some health reasons, to make life more like a job now that I no longer have a paid job. I started that last night. I went to bed earlier, read for a while, and lay down to sleep. I woke up around 4:30 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. I tried but gave up about two hours later. I got up, telling myself to write something.

I've been trying to write more poetry. I've been debating whether I want to do the annual April NaPoWriMo ... because sometimes the quality of poems isn't good. I know that isn't the point, but it bugged me. I then decided that effort is its own reward, so I decided to try NaPoWriMo for 2024.  I'll do my best to write a poem each day. If I don't manage it, I promise to get up and try. Make the effort, write some words.

I did that this morning. As I wrote, it dawned on me that keeping that promise to myself is important. It's as important as keeping a promise to my Husband or friends. I'd never let them down, so why is it okay to break a promise to myself?

It isn't. I realized that there were consequences for breaking my promises to myself. They were more real than I'd ever considered. I'd spend the day feeling lost and sad—and like I'd accomplished nothing because I hadn't—because I'd let myself down.

I'm worth keeping my word to, just as I would keep it to anyone else.

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