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I messed up today. Again.  And i spoke to Michael about it, and asked his permission to write this.




For a long time, I'd heard this term: mindfulness. It sounded so much like a catchphrase because everyone was using it. Be mindful.

What the heck does that even mean? Took me a while to figure it out even after I'd looked it up.


Turns out I am pretty bad at it. The Doms in my life tell me so. Sometimes directly, sometimes in other ways.  I wasn't mindful when discussing something recently. I had to be reminded again, that being mindful is a good thing for a submissive (like me) to be.


There are other uses for mindfulness, other than learning to be a better boy.


My shrink thinks the same thing. 


I wanted to stop taking antidepressants. So he said to me, "I want to try  MBCT, or Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy with you."  I agreed.


We worked on that for some time while he weaned me off the drugs completely.


MBCT is educates you about depression using CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), and mindfulness to  accept feelings and thoughts, rather than just reacting to them. This is especially hard for me, since I am a very reactive person generally.


The theory is that people like me who become who have been depressed and are distressed will repeat the same cognitive processes that trigger their depression in the first place. So MBCT interrupts that process and the person learns to focus less on what triggers them, and can look at the triggers from a higher level so to speak. Mindfulness helps me notice the trigger, and I can look at it from a more objective place and ask for help, or realize I need to make a change, therefore hopefully stopping a full-fledged depressive episode.


Sadly, it didn't work for me as after a few weeks with no drugs, I began having suicidal thoughts and slipped easily into that slick-sided rabbit hole.


Needless to say I am back on a mild antidepressant and still using MBCT. It, in conjunction with the medication seems to be working for me. I find myself telling someone that my thoughts are in a bad place. I usually know what the trigger was, and often I just need to get up and do something else for a while.


Stepping away from what triggered me and telling Sir, or a friend that I'm struggling, often helps me get through the episode successfully. My doctor said, I need to face the fact I will likely need medication for the rest of my life for depression. I have accepted that now, but I have hope that they can remain this mild option.


Now all I need to do is learn to be a more mindful about other areas in my life. I'm not purposefully unthinking, but I often am.


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6 minutes ago, MacGreg said:

No one is kind to him/herself on a consistent basis. We're our own worst critics, right? This goes beyond criticizing what we create (which we all do). We criticize our thoughts, our opinions, our physical appearances, the choices we make or fail to make. But trusting the words and advice of people within your circle can help ease up some of that self-doubt, boy. And if I point out an infraction, it's not to point out that you're flawed or "not good enough" (god, who IS good enough?) It's to demonstrate that I care, and that I want you to succeed. Yeah, there's some tough love that comes along with it, but I wouldn't bother with someone I didn't care for and have respect for. I'm glad you had a "f"un day yesterday.

yes Sir.  i know it's me. i will try and hear what You are saying. I get tough love Sir, and respect that, and You.  yes Sir it was a lot of  f-un.. :)

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I connected with this in that Mindfulness is a habit I would like to develop. I admire you for this, and appreciate your writing about it. 

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On 6/30/2018 at 8:21 PM, mollyhousemouse said:

that rabbit hole is indeed "slick-sided"

thank you for sharing this with us. now we are know what you are doing and we can all be a part of your team.

you'll let us know if we can help, yeah?





it is.. and i am trying hard to not fall down it again ..  thanks molly... for being there for me xox

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On 6/30/2018 at 9:41 PM, BHopper2 said:

:hug: I don't have many words to say, my friend. We walk similar paths, and I'm here if you ever need to vent. It'll stay between you, and me. I might not know the words of advice to say, but you can always count on my virtual hugs and my thoughts and prayers.

thank you A.. you are a good friend.. xoxxo

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On 6/30/2018 at 10:04 PM, Kitt said:

Well you and Michael both helped me emensely yesterday and this morning.  So when when you start thinking you are not good enough, let me remind you of just how good you really ARE!  Here when ever you need me friend.

thanks Kitt ... i appreciate that ... glad we could help a bit xoxo

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On 6/30/2018 at 10:13 PM, Reader1810 said:

tim, I know you are good and thoughtful and caring of others and that is something to be celebrated. 


As Mac said, we are our own worst critics. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing because it keeps us humble and grounded. Having said that, critics don’t always get things right, so take what your inner critic says with the proverbial grain of salt. 


yes, you and Mac Sir are right .. i'll do my best to tell myself to can it sometimes oxox

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On 7/1/2018 at 8:37 AM, Zenobia said:

You have so much to be proud of, and by that I mean things which you have achieved by yourself. My own experience is that it's hard to accept poeple telling you that when you feel otherwise, nevertheless (or rather: especially because of that experience) I think it needs to be said, and I'm quite sure there are a lot of people who tell you that you've come a long way. Well, some of them left a comment here.

It's so hard to assess oneself properly and it seems that you don't give yourself enough credit - realizing when something triggers a behavior that's unhealthy (or even worse) and then telling other people or finding another way to deal with it is a difficult task and requires not only effort and strength but also practice. I wish you that the number of cases you realize early enough what's happening will increase even more. You have every right to be proud of the self-reflective person you are.  xo

i have been told i am very hard on myself ... i managed to see a major slide coming last weekend...i'd been on GA too long and i just needed to get away, so i went and did the ironing .. it worked really well.  thank you for commenting. i really do appreciate it  xo

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On 7/1/2018 at 5:29 PM, Parker Owens said:

I connected with this in that Mindfulness is a habit I would like to develop. I admire you for this, and appreciate your writing about it. 

i need to, no doubt about it.. hope you're well xoxo

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