I messed up today. Again. And i spoke to Michael about it, and asked his permission to write this.
For a long time, I'd heard this term: mindfulness. It sounded so much like a catchphrase because everyone was using it. Be mindful.
What the heck does that even mean? Took me a while to figure it out even after I'd looked it up.
Turns out I am pretty bad at it. The Doms in my life tell me so. Sometimes directly, sometimes in other ways. I wasn't mindful when discussing something recently. I had to be reminded again, that being mindful is a good thing for a submissive (like me) to be.
There are other uses for mindfulness, other than learning to be a better boy.
My shrink thinks the same thing.
I wanted to stop taking antidepressants. So he said to me, "I want to try MBCT, or Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy with you." I agreed.
We worked on that for some time while he weaned me off the drugs completely.
MBCT is educates you about depression using CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), and mindfulness to accept feelings and thoughts, rather than just reacting to them. This is especially hard for me, since I am a very reactive person generally.
The theory is that people like me who become who have been depressed and are distressed will repeat the same cognitive processes that trigger their depression in the first place. So MBCT interrupts that process and the person learns to focus less on what triggers them, and can look at the triggers from a higher level so to speak. Mindfulness helps me notice the trigger, and I can look at it from a more objective place and ask for help, or realize I need to make a change, therefore hopefully stopping a full-fledged depressive episode.
Sadly, it didn't work for me as after a few weeks with no drugs, I began having suicidal thoughts and slipped easily into that slick-sided rabbit hole.
Needless to say I am back on a mild antidepressant and still using MBCT. It, in conjunction with the medication seems to be working for me. I find myself telling someone that my thoughts are in a bad place. I usually know what the trigger was, and often I just need to get up and do something else for a while.
Stepping away from what triggered me and telling Sir, or a friend that I'm struggling, often helps me get through the episode successfully. My doctor said, I need to face the fact I will likely need medication for the rest of my life for depression. I have accepted that now, but I have hope that they can remain this mild option.
Now all I need to do is learn to be a more mindful about other areas in my life. I'm not purposefully unthinking, but I often am.