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LillyLee

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Blog Entries posted by LillyLee

  1. LillyLee
    Once upon a time scientists thought the world was flat.
    Then they discovered chromosomes .
    (these two events have nothing to do with each other, I'm simply using them of references to establish a time line)
    Scientists discovered the (X) Chromosome and (Y) chromosome. The pattern in which these chromosomes occur decides whether someone is born (male) or (female). 
    All eggs start out with with (XX), female. Then once fertilized a surge of hormones in the uterus decide whether a fetus stays female or becomes male.
    This path to maleness or femaleness originates at the moment of meiosis, when a cell divides to produce gametes, or sex cells having half the normal number of chromosomes. During meiosis the male XY sex-chromosome pair separates and passes on an X or a Y to separate gametes; the result is that one-half of the gametes (sperm) that are formed contains the X chromosome and the other half contains the Y chromosome. The female has two X chromosomes, and all female egg cells normally carry a single X. The eggs fertilized by X-bearing sperm become females (XX), whereas those fertilized by Y-bearing sperm become males (XY).
     
    That was a lot of science talk, I'm sorry. But are you with me so far? Good.
     
    So... time skip...
     
    Due to ADVANCES IN SCIENCE (dun dun dun... oh no! that means somethings going to change!) scientists have now discovered that this isn't always the case!  They have found that their are MORE THEN TWO POSSIBLE CHROMOSOME PATTERNS! (le gasp!). So what does this mean? 
    (get ready for some more SCIENCE!)
     
    Some genetic men  possess an extra X chromosome (XXY) or more rarely, two or three extra Xs (XXXY, XXXXY); they typically produce low levels of testosterone, leading to less-developed masculine sexual characteristics and more-developed feminine characteristics than other men. In contrast, some men receive an extra Y chromosome (XYY) in the genetic lottery (and while they have been referred to as "supermales" that is more sensationalism than science).
     
    Some genetic women  have only one X chromosome; they often display less-developed female sexual characteristics than other women. And people with a genetic mosaic possess XX chromosomes in some cells and XY in others.
     
    Even if you get the "right" combination of sex chromosomes, it's no guarantee that you'll fit into the little boxes society has defined as of male and female.
    For example, genetic women (XX) with congenital adrenal hyperplasia produced unusually high levels of virilizing hormones in utero and develop stereo typically masculine sexual characteristics, including masculinized genitals.
     
    Similarly, genetic men (XY) with complete androgen insensitivity syndrome don't respond to male hormones and fail to develop masculine sexual characteristics. Most live their lives as women.
     
    So what does this mean for society?
    Some people with penises are more feminine and some people without penises are masculine. 
    The way we characterize this difference is called GENDER.
    (I know it's scary, but please, stay with me!)
     
    Sex refers to what sexual organs you have. There are two kids of sexual organs, MALE and FEMALE. And there fore four possible combonations
    MALE
    FEMALE
    BOTH
    NEITHER
     
    but! We're not done.
     
    Gender refers to your mind, behavior and thought patterns; wither someone displays more 'masculine qualities' or 'feminine qualities' , which is in part determined by you chromosomal patters (which we have now learned has MANY MANY options) and how you were raised/ influenced throughout your life (nature vs nurture debate is on going).
    Since the discovery of these chromosomal patters that differentiate from (XX) and (XY) scientists realized that not only does your sexual organs not always match your personality qualities but that their is a
     
    (wait for it.....  )
     
    SPECTRUM OF POSSIBILITIES!
     
    Now referred to as Gender Spectrum.
    This is Science (biology, sociology and psychology)
     
    So since there are more then two options we need more then two classifications, but unlimited possible patters mean way too many classifications for people to keep straight. 
    Non-Binary is a good start. it's an umbrella term for anyone who doesn't fit into either the 'masculine' or feminine' box.
     
    But mostly what it means is;
    Once scientists thought the world was flat.
    Once scientists thought that the earth is the center of the Universe and that all other objects move around it.
    Once scientists believed illnesses could be cured by bloodletting.
    Once scientists believed the Earth was constantly growing and shrinking in size.
    Once scientists thought frogs and toads could give you warts.
    Once scientists thought lightening never struck the same place twice.
    Once scientists thought there were only two genders.
     
    Science changes, people. Get with the times. Educate yourselves. 
     
    This has been A Science Lesson with Professor Lee.
    Thanks and Have a nice day
  2. LillyLee
    I got a new idea based on prompts from Pinterest 
    For a series of short stories
    About a young Superhero 
    And the crazy Supervillains he has to deal with
    100% Comedy 
    So far I have three villains 
    And I'm super excited about this

     
  3. LillyLee
    is it weird that I find my binder WAY more comfortable then my sports bra? I always see people complaining about how tight and uncomfortable they are and I actually love it. Maybe it's not as tight as some people wear them? But it works so I guess that's what matters? Or maybe I'm so used to an uncomfortable sports bra it seems better. But the sports bra seemed comfy until I started wearing my binder regularly. LOL I dunno. It did start to stretch out and not work as well so I put it i the dryer and now it's back to how it was when I first got it. I seriously need to invest in a new one, maybe NOT WHITE THIS TIME. lol that was a bad idea. My mom hates that I wear it, shes totally supportive of everything else she just thinks it's not good for me. She terrified of it lol.
     
    I love walking down the street and criticizing all the drivers. Some people are ridiculously bad drivers. 
    But I can be kind of judgmental lol. At least I'm respectful (adult) enough to keep it to myself most the time. I saw this thing online that I really liked, I think tmblr; this girl was saying how she keeps catching herself judging people and then feeling bad. She gave the example of a young girl dressed provocatively; she will see it and think something along the lines of oh my god look at that girl dressed like a  hooker ew judgement, and then catches herself and internally gives herself crap like GFY she can wear what ever she wants! And another person commented that her mother taught her that the first thought is what society has taught you to think and your second thought is what you actually think. And I really like that because maybe I'm not as much of a bitch as I think. Maybe I was just socialized to be judgmental because I always catch myself and give myself crap for being judgmental (unless it's about bad parents because when it comes to that I KNOW I'm judgmental. I'm not perfect but MY GOD SOME PARENTS), and correct myself.
     
    I think I'm stalling because I'm supposed to be writing right now. bad LillyLee! Stories not Blogging! Grrrr.....
     
    Okay, that's enough rambling. Back to WORK!
  4. LillyLee
    It's been a long while since I've written anything. My muse took a nice long vacation it seems (but also been a crazy summer, and not like "omg so much fun " crazy, but like "omg I forgot how exhausting it is to have the kid home all day everyday " crazy).
     
    I'm going to try and force myself back into it. I have ideas and I think I saw a few plot bunnies peeking out of the bush. So to anyone who actually follows me: yea... sorry bout that. I try to do better. I finally finished My Prince! YAY! Hoping to manage a Sequel thing, Phoenix's time abroad 
     
    I made a little updated schedule/ story list, but because I know my own track record, no promises 
     

    Current projects
     
    Multi-Chapter Stories
    Last Chance High - Completed
    My Prince - Completed
     
    Series
                   Admirer
    Homecoming Admirer - Completed
    Halloween Admirer - Completed
    Christmas Admirer - Completed
     
    Prompts/ Short Stories
    Wicked Witch - Completed
    Prompt: "Years ago you promised your first born to a witch. Despite your best efforts you can't seem to get laid. She's getting impatient."
    Duets - Completed
    Prompt: “Hey, we never met but our showers are on opposite sides of the same apartment wall. Sometimes we shower at the same time and sing duets.”
    Satan's BFF - Approximate Completion: HAHAHAHAHAHa…. Stalled, maybe becoming a multi-chapter
    Prompt: "A lonely person sells their soul to Satan to be their friend. And Satan just rolls with it until he realizes at the time of their death he genuinely likes them. Since he can’t renege on the contract he takes them to hell and puts them in a high position of power."
     
    Stolen Flowers - Approximate Completion: Started, Coming along well, lets give it 1 week
    Prompt: “Sometimes I steal flowers from your garden on my way to the cemetery, but today you’ve caught me and have demanded to come with me to make sure “the girl is pretty enough to warrant flower theft” and I’m trying to figure out how to break it to you that we’re on our way to a graveyard.”
     
    Future Projects
     
    Multi Chapter Stories
    The Good Doctor - Started Outline, coming along slow
    The Pack - Stalled
    Secret Agent Kid - Outline started, hopefully finish by end of month and start writing
    Brat Pack
    Prince Charming is... A Fae?
    Dystopia
    (My Prince pt.2) My Pirate - Phoenix's story from when he left the village, - Starting Outline soon, 
     
    Series
                    Admirer
    Valentine Admirer - Will start outline this week
    Spring Break Admirer
    Easter Admirer
    Summing Loving (4th of July Admirer)
     
    Prompts/ Short Stories
    Saving Greg
    Summer Camp
    Amnesia - Started Outline
    Sci-Fi based on "humans are the weird" trend on tmblr  
  5. LillyLee
    uggggg.....
     
    Going to the in-laws this weekend.
    I'm not out to them or that side of the family.
    Don't plan on it either (at least not in the foreseeable future).
     
    I have been wearing a binder just about everyday for almost a month now, all men's clothes (and accessories and deodorant ect), even at work.
     
    Even just packing from me "girls" side of my dresser is making me feel uncomfortable. Trying to find the balance between 'comfortable and ME' and 'feminine enough to avoid any awkward questions' is stressful. I mean I've known them for over 7 years and I've always dressed 'tomboy' so it's not like they will expect me to show up in a skirt but with my hair being so much shorter and styled in a very masculine cut I feel pressured to dress extra feminine to counter act it. I'm feeling slightly disphoric just picking clothes out of my dresser knowing I'm going to be wearing them. Trying them on to see if they even fit (comfortably enough to wear) feels shitty. 
     
    Also they have a pool, and there is a big BBQ tomorrow so we spend all day outside by the pool. OMG BATHING SUITES SUCK.
    I feel anxious and stressed (and I'm sitting here in a pair of boxer briefs and a muscle shirt) just thinking abut it.
    This weekend is going to suck.
     
    I'm also a little nervous about the hubby's reaction. He has been so amazing and supportive about this whole thing. It wasn't much of a change because I usually dressed masculine at home anyways. But it's been a while since hes seen me 'girl' I'm worried he's going to realize how much he refers it and misses it. I'm worried he won't be so cool once we come home and I go back to being ME. Chest binder and mens clothes. 
     
    Ugg I have to wear a real bra! I've been wearing sports bras when ever i wasn't binding since May this is going to be so weird.   
     
    just... fml....
     
    okay, rant over. 
  6. LillyLee
    I like labels... self imposed labels of course. It's human nature to want to put things in little boxes, even things that don't fit. Organizing them by similar characteristics so we can better understand and define them. I like this. But I believe people can only be labeled by themselves in most cases (if you have red hair your a red head deal with it or dye it lol) so I label myself and express these labels loud. So no one can do it for me and get it wrong!
     
    I have always known who I was, my personality has been the one thing I was always sure of (even my flaws).
    I am intelligent
    I am emotionally strong
    I am open-minded
    I am confident in my abilities
    I can be a bitch
    I can be judgmental (though I usually keep it to myself, and I'm working on this one)
    I am wise beyond my years
    I am independent
    I am an introvert
    I am a book-worm
     
    These are my self-imposed labels...
    but some of them are a little murky these days...
     
    I am a ....girl? NO ...boy?both?neither? umm.... ask me later.
    I am straight... umm except when I'm a boy then I guess I'm gay? so Can I be sometimes gay? ... Umm... I like cock. 
    Am I still MOTHER even if I'm boy?
    Can I be confident and insecure at the same time?
     
    Ugg... I'm too old to deal with this shit!
    (Jokes!)
     
     
     
     
     
  7. LillyLee
    Up until now I have been using the identifier 'non-binary' , mostly because I have no idea what my gender is, how I want to express it and so on.
    Also, it just fits. 
     
    Over the last few months I have been paying around with my gender expression; clothing, hair style, accessories, binder.
    I also started using men's body wash and deodorant. 
     
    I definitely feel best when I'm as 'man' as I can be.
    The idea of top surgery in theory is nice, and I would love to take T to give my body more masculine features, again in theory.
    But I'm not yet sure if t's what I really want, to be just 'man' always and forever.
    I don't know if it's my identity that's stopping me from next steps or fear. 
     
    I have been so lucky with my husband; he has been super amazing and supportive and just.... I have to admit I was amazed. We have had some really great talks and he has just been so positive. But the other night we discussed potential trouble areas I may face if/when I decide to come out 100%. It made me really nervous and kind of shut down. Maybe I'll feel like I'm in a place to deal with it one day, but I'm not right now.
    My mom wouldn't understand at all, she would be nice but treat it the same way as she treated my pagan religion "yes, okay your 'pagan', sure." Thinly veiled skepticism. She wouldn't be hostile, but she doesn't understand the concept that gender is different than sex (she still is weird about Caitlyn Jenner). It's not as bad as it could be, but it a struggle I don't know I'm ready for. 
    My  mother in-law would be the type to just flat out ignore it; she has made some comments about what she calls "this gender movement thing" and "kids these days just need to make all these things up" . 
    Sure I could sit them down and show them the science stuff behind it and explain it and talk about how it FEELS, but again, even he idea is exhausting and I don't know enough or how to explain to even try. 
    I work in retail so dealing with being misgendered at work with customers is another thing that feels like it would be exhausting. It's hard enough every time I have to correct someone when they assume I'm a child (I usually get 16-19 vs my 27), I couldn't imagine having to do the "actually sir/madam, I'm not a female child, I'm a adult male" . Sigh, I need a nap just thinking about it.
     
    In the end it will probably feel worth it, but I'm not there yet. Also, what if I go through it all and then have a 'girl day' ? Like 'oh shit, I know I told you all I'm trans but hey... hahaha I'm not.'
     
    I mean... yes I know
    I can feel like a boy and dress like a girl
    Gender can be fluid
    My gender is defined by ME and ME alone
    I get to decide what kind of 'man' I am, maybe I'm a man who wants to wear dresses sometimes (i know I'll be a man that paints his nails).
    Fuck the haters
     
    But knowing it and feeling it are two different things.
     
    Arrrgg... this became lots of word vomit hahaha. 

    It's a bumpy ride, huh?
     
     
     
  8. LillyLee
    I always hated shopping.
    I would see cute clothes, but not cute FOR ME.
    Nothing ever felt like it fit right, even when it fit the way it was 'supposed to'.
    I found myself constantly passing by masculine looking clothes even though they felt more ME. 
    I never understood the 'in fashions' or shared my friends idea on perfect outfits.
    I felt awkward in the women's section, like I was an invader that didn't belong. I always felt like people were looking at me thinking ' you shouldn't be here!' especially in the change rooms.
    Just the idea of having to go out shopping for new clothes was exhausting and just felt so 'wrong'.
     
    The last 2 months or so I have started shopping in the men's/boy's section. I have been choosing clothes that FELT right and fit COMFORTABLY.
    Men's jeans and t-shirts, long board and cargo shorts, muscle tanks and men's accessories.
    Shopping doesn't feel wrong any more. Getting dressed doesn't feel like a lie. I don't feel quite so out of place (maybe only a little because I don't pass very well, but it's ignorable because I FEEL like I belong, fuck what others think) .  
     
    I invested in a really nice and comfortable binder tank and I LOVE it. I feel more comfortable and confident while wearing it. I feel like I look more RIGHT, more like ME. I even wore it to work for the first tie today. At first I was super nervous and shaky, because I'm not exactly out to everyone there and I didn't want any awkward questions. I don't know why I thought someone would say "hey, here did your boobs go?" but it seemed like a legitimate  fear on the way in. 
    Of course no one said anything, and there was no weird looks. I felt so much better! I even told my one work friends who I am out to I was wearing it and how excited I was and she was cool about it and asked how it worked and commented on how well it worked. It was really nice. I'm going to request a new uniform shirt, men style because the women's in tapered and extenuates my hips awkwardly, and I think that will help even more! I just need well fit men's dress pants and my work uniform will be ballin' ! 
     
    It's still super awkward to go to bathrooms and change rooms though. Since I'm not 100% out (and even if I was I don't pass very well I've been told), I still use the women's, but it feels wrong and like with shopping I feel like I'm in the wrong place and I'm invading. I just try to time it to make sure I'm not in there alone and it's the only time reminding myself 'the rest of the world thinks I'm a women' is a good thing. But that will come eventually. 
     
     
  9. LillyLee
    I recently started, slowly, 'coming out' as gender fluid.
    Some of my close friends and husband, some random people at work and acquaintances i felt would be accepting/ understanding.\
    Started updating my wardrobe and finding ways to battle the dysphoria when I'm in a situation I'm unable/uncomfortable presenting honestly on "boy days" (such as at work or situations where I have to be "kiddo's Mom". 
    Today was a "boy day". 
    Hubby, kiddo and I went shopping. I had on a great neutral outfit and was feeling awesome. And handsome  Got some great neutral and "boy day" clothes. Had dinner and scowled when the waitress very obviously put the candies down in front of me and the bill in front of him . And chuckled when the hubby passed it right over (because I always pay) .
     
    Then, walking home a pick-up truck full of teenage boys drove by and yelled out the window at us.
    I'm not 100% sure what they yelled, they were driving pretty fast.
    But I'm pretty sure it was something along the lines of "F*ck*ng Fairies" or "F*ck*ng F*gg*ts" .
     
    And the inner conflict began.....
    Part of my was all "who gives a sh*t what they think! F*ck 'em" 
    Part of me was all "what kind of low lives think it's okay to yell things like that out the window at people? For christ sake give it up!"
    Part of me wished I had moved quick enough to flash my (usually very obvious) t*ts their way to teach them about judging someone based on appearance. 
     
    But another part of me was just a little excited that walking down the street with my hubby and son a group of strangers was so convinced I was a guy they felt confident to assume we were a homosexual couple.   
     
    Those guys are till ass holes though. 
  10. LillyLee
    From the time I was old enough to choose my own clothes I preferred my brothers.
     
    Baggy pants and t-shirts, long shorts, hoodies.
    My interests and hobbies were those that would be considered masculine; sports, action figures, super heroes, camping, hiking. I have a very distinct memory of playing Barbies and putting them in the jeep and pushing it down the stairs. My mother definitely thought it was odd. My preferred friends we're boys and my favorite cousins were boys.
     
    I was a tom boy and that was okay.
     
    When my friends and I played pretend I was always the boyfriend, bad guy or brother. When I was 11 I cut all my hair off, because honestly it was just a hassle. 
    When I hit puberty, a little earlier then mos girls in my class, I began wearing baggy zip up sweaters to hid my boobs. I didn't understand the other girls fascination with clothes and I had no interest in dresses or trying my moms make up. I was rougher and tougher and more independent then most of my friends/ girls I knew. I hid my body and hated wearing bathing suites.
     
    I was from the big city and this was a small town. I had a single mother. I had an older brother who was a bit of a bully. I was from a low income family.
     
    There were a million reasons I came up with for why I was so different. And a million reasons why I didn't give a fuck about the bullying.
    And oh boy, was I bullied. For all those things and more.  
    But I never let them know it bothered me.
     
    Then I discovered boys.
    And that boys liked GIRLS.
     
    I let my hair grow long. I learned to use basic make up and let my girl friends dress me up. I shook my butt and tuck out my boobs.
    Oh, don't get me wrong, I was still a tom boy. 
    I still preferred sports and my closest friends we're still boys. I only dressed up on 'special occasions'. 
    I was my male friend's 'little brother' (true nick-name). 
    There was actually one time when me and one of my guy friends and his gf went on a long bus ride and she got bored and did my make-up. Afterwards she asks him what he thinks and he goes "sometimes i forget you're a girl". True story.
    When my friends complained about boys I usually understood  where the guys were coming from and often thought the girls were being overly critical or holding unreal expectations (they can't read your mind!). I hated talking about my feelings and I found myself seeing thing in a totally different was then my female friends.
    I was still rougher and tougher and more independent. A little bit more reckless. I slept around (when I was single) and didn't give a crap about being a lady. In fact I was mostly proud that I could be 'one of the guys' and often described as 'not like most girls' .
    I still got bullied for being that way.
     
    My Mom and my Grandmother and the women in my family told me I would be so much prettier/ popular/ successful if I just 'put on a little bit of makeup', if I just wore more feminine clothes. All the adults in my life warned me 'boys might not like my tattoos' . 
     
    And even though I was in great shape (from being so active), with a 'nice rack' and a tight butt. Even though I had beautiful hair and a sweet smile and wide color-changing eyes. Even though boys and girls alike told me I was pretty/ attractive. Even though I never hurt for dates.
    I still had body image issues. I still preferred to cover up and I still felt something was 'wrong' with my body. I still looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. Even though I fit into society's outline of how a young girl should look to be considered pretty, I was not happy or confident. I never understood why. 
    I was lucky my insecurities about my body were off set by my pride in my brain and my emotional strength. Things could have gotten real bad otherwise. I never felt the need to starve or harm myself. I was able to accept that even though I didn't like myself physically I liked who I was on the inside. I was lucky I believed that was more important.
     
     
     
    I am 27. I am a wife and a mother of a 5 year old boy (who is more feminine then I am). I still hate my body and get along better with men. I understand how my husband thinks (most of the time, hes a little immature). My hair is super short, I prefer baggy shirts and jeans, sports bras and long shorts. I read stories/books about gay men because I relate to them more then ones about women.
     
    Sometimes I have fun doing myself up all pretty like, hair and make-up and tight jeans. I have a slight obsession with boots and shoes. I enjoy painting my nails and everything purple. I enjoy rom-coms when the mood hits me. Alecia Moore (Pink) is one of my idols, I enjoy bubble gum pop, boy bands and yes, even Taylor swift and Alanis Moresette (okay maybe Selena Gomez has a couple really catchy songs too).  
     
    And I have learned I am not alone. I am not abstract. I am not strange or weird or off. There are others like me. And now I understand WHY.
     
    There has begun a huge movement regarding gender identity and gender expression. I have learned so much about this 'thing' that I never before knew existed, a way of being I always thought was me being weird.
    I learned that your sex is your genitals and your gender is how you feel.
    I learned that sometimes your sex and your gender don't line up.
    I learned that there are SCIENTIFIC FACTS  that support this. 
     
    I identify as non-binary. Some days I'm a girl but most days I'm a boy.  
     
    I AM A UNIQUE SNOWFLAKE, just like everyone else. Expressing MY OWN IDENTITY is not a call for attention (the purple/blue/red/pink depending on the day hair maybe is though). Being thankful THERE IS A NAME FOR IT and that I'M NOT ALONE is not making things up. Asking you to respect WHO I AM is not attacking you, your family, your religion, your morals or your way of life. Wanting to tell other people and share what I have learned so NO ONE ELSE EVER FEELS WRONG AGAIN is not rubbing your face in it.  Finally being able to not only ADMIT MY BODY IS WRONG but also UNDERSTAND WHY, is not jumping on the band-wagon or participating in a fad (I have always felt this way!)
     
     
    AND I AM NOT HURTING ANYONE
  11. LillyLee
    “Thirteen is a very important age, Ash. You're a teenager now, growing up so fast. And we have something very special to celebrate!”
    “Really?”
    “Of course! Come with me!”
     
    Gwen took the boy’s hand and led him to the back of the house and up the stairs to the bedrooms. At the end of the hall she stopped and turned back to the boys with a smile. The room in front of them was the same one Ash had stayed in when he first arrived, right across the hall from where he was now sharing with Aidan. Gwen slowly pushed the door open and gestured for Ash to step inside first.
    The plain old guest room had been transformed. New furniture replaced the ancient set that had once been there; a tall dresser, large computer desk and two big book shelves all made in dark wood. The walls had been painted a sharp teal and thick dark gray curtains hung over the windows. The single bed pushed against one wall had a black and silver comforter.
     
    Ash turned to look at Gwen; she was bouncing on the balls of her feet her hands gripped together at her chest. A proud grin stretched her face and her eyes shone with pride.
    “I don’t...what...what is this?”
    “It’s your very own room, Ash! We set it up special just for you!”
    “My room?”
    “Yes sweetie! You're getting to be such a big boy now; you don’t have to share with Aidan anymore. If you don’t like anything we can change it...” He voice trailed off at the end. Ash felt bad, she obviously could tell he wasn’t as excited as she had been. He forced himself not to look at Aidan for support like he usually did and instead scanned the room. It was rather nice; the colors were ones he probably would have chosen himself. The two large book shelves would make room for all the books he had started collecting with room for more. There was an abundance of shelves, drawers and cubbies; it would make Ash’s need for organization easy to satisfy. It would be nice to actually have room to put his things away. The only thing it was missing was Aidan.  
     
    Ash took a deep breath. He was growing up; none of the other kids his or Aidan’s age shared a room with their siblings. Let alone a bed like the two young shifters. And Gwen looked so proud of it; he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Maybe Aidan wanted his own space; he was a high school senior now. He’d probably want to bring his friends over and not have the ‘little pup’ bothering them. And it would be difficult to bring girls home if Ash was still sharing his bed. He was getting to be that age, and even though he showered as soon as he came home Ash could sometimes smell it on him.
     
    “You don’t like it...” Gwen’s dejected voice reminded Ash she was still waiting for his reaction.
    “No!” Ash said quickly. “I mean, I’m just a little overwhelmed. I’ve never had my own room before.” He hoped his smile seemed genuine. “Thank you Auntie, really.”
    “Oh good! It’s going to be great. Aidan honey, help Ash pack up his things and we’ll start moving them over before dinner.” Ash peaked over at Aidan to see his reaction. He was studying the younger shifter with an unreadable expression. His arms were crossed over his chest as he leaned on the door jam. Ash tried to give him an encouraging smile to let him know he was okay with it. If Aidan needed his own space Ash would give it to him. He couldn’t cling to the older boy forever. Aidan took a deep breath as he pushed up, his face still unreadable.
     
    “Alright, Little Pup, let’s get you all moved.” Even his voice was guarded.
     
    It didn’t take them long to pack up and move Ash’s few things to the room across the hall. Aidan’s room actually looked a little bare without Ash’s things. Aidan felt ice in the pit of his stomach. The older boy pushed passed it; Ash wasn't going to be a pup forever. After they finished moving everything Gwen went to start dinner and Aidan retreated to his own room to give Ash time to organize. And to collect himself. The older boy was starting to feel sick as he lay in his bed. It seemed much too large now; empty and cold. He would just be across the hall; it wasn't like he would be far. And the kid has never had his own room before; this must be a big deal for him. Ash deserved his own room; hell that little pup deserved anything his heart desires. Aidan just had to back off, not be so overprotective.
    Ash had to hold himself back from chasing after the older boy. He sat on his new bed and looked around the room. He didn't unpack anything or put his clothes away. Ash took a deep breath. It smelled alien, like hard wood and fabric softener. It felt cold and empty, even though it was furnished and designed with love. He could do this; Aidan was right across the hall. He would be just fine.
     
    X+X+X+X+X
     
    Both boys were quiet during dinner, lost in their own thoughts. Lennox and Gwen tried to fill the silence by chatting excitedly about things they could do and get for Ash’s new room. A computer would be important for school, maybe a little TV. Ash was more interested in music then television so a stereo system would probably get more use. Ash started to feel sick. He hated all the ideas. He hated his new room. He didn’t want a TV or a radio. And he dreaded crawling into that empty bed tonight all alone.
     
    “May I be excused?” Ash’s quiet voice broke through the chatter. Even though he whispered his voice demanded attention.
    “You’ve barely eaten anything.” Gwen pointed out.
    “I’m not hungry.”
    Aidan’s hand on his shoulder was warm and it made the younger boy want to curl into the contact. He resisted, holding himself rigid. “Come on, Ashling, you have to eat.”
    “I’m not hungry.” He snapped back pulling away from the older boy.
    Everyone froze, eyes drawn to the obviously upset shifter. Ash never pulled away from Aidan, and he never talked back. Gwen and Lennox exchanged a glance; their son staring wide eyed at the younger boy. Surprise, confusion and little bit of pain plainly on his face.
    “Cashel...?” Gwen started softly.
    “Can I just go to my room?” Ash cut off. “Please?”
    “Okay honey, you may go.”
     
    Ash quickly pushed away from the table. After dropping his dishes in the sink he rushed up the stairs. He could feel his eyes beginning to water and his throat burn. He rushed to his room and threw himself on the bed. When he took a deep breath and inhaled Aidan’s calming scent he realized this wasn’t his room anymore. In his distress he had retreated to the safety and familiarity of the room that now only belonged to the older boy. Unable to hold back anymore he pulled Aidan’s pillow to his face and cried as he breathed in the familiar scent. Why didn’t Aidan want him there anymore? He cried because he was lonely and scared and he cried because he was ashamed for being so weak. Gwen said he was growing up, but he still felt like a small child. Clinging to his knight in shining armor, his savior and protector. When he was with the older boy he finally felt safe, for the first time in his life he didn’t feel like he had to fight for his right to live. He knew now Lennox and Gwen weren’t going to abandon him or send him away. The pack was accepting him as one of their own. But a part of him was still afraid to be away from his friend; Aidan was hia first home. The first person who ever accepted him. The idea that Aidan was looking for more distance between them made Ash feel the lose of abandonment all over again. He knew deep down this wasn’t the same, not even close, but it scared him nonetheless.
     
    X+X+X+X+X
     
    Ash didn’t remember falling asleep but he woke up to the feel of fingers running softly through his hair. He instinctively turned into the contact knowing exactly who was petting him.
     
    “What are you doing here, Little Pup?”
    Ash sprang up, leaving Aidan’s hand hovering where the younger boy’s head used to be. He slowly lowered it to his lap.
    “Oh shit! I’m sorry, Addy, I’ll get out of here.”
    “Hold on, Ash, what’s wrong? Have you been crying?”
    “I’m fine.”
    Aidan reached out and pulled the younger boy against him, “Nonsense, you tell me what’s wrong,little pup of mine.”
    “I’ll be okay. Promise. I won’t bug you anymore.”
    “Bug me?”
    “I know you want your own space, I understand. You’re all grown up now. I won’t bug you I promise. I just... not sure I’m ready. But if you want me out… I’ll deal, I’ll be okay. I’m growing up. I can do this. I can be brave.”
    “Want you out? Why the hell do you think I would want you out? I don’t want you to go anywhere. Separate rooms is a stupid idea.”
    “But Auntie said...”
    “I know what she said... but that doesn’t mean I want you to leave.”
    “Really?”
    “Really. You’re my pup; you should always be by my side.”
    “Then... do I have to move out? Maybe if we both tell them we don’t want to be separated they will let me stay.”
    Aidan couldn’t stop himself from matching Ash’s infectious, excited grin. “Yea, maybe. Come on let's go try talking to them together.”
     
    +x+x+x+x+
     
    “Mum, can we talk to you a minute?”
    Gwen looked up at her boys. Her son had his arm tight around Ash’s shoulder, holding the younger boy close to his side. He had a serious look on his face; his back rigid and muscles tense. Ash was leaning softly against him, his hand fisted in the hem of the older boy’s shirt and eyes glued to his feet.
     
    “Everything alright?” Gwen gestured for the boys to sit down at the table with her. Aidan gently guided Ash into a chair and sat down next to him, pulling his chair close so their arms and legs were pressed together.
    As usual, Aidan spoke for them both. “Ash really appreciates what you did for him, with the room. It really was a special birthday surprise.” Ash nodded in agreement, but kept his head down.
     
    “But…?” Gwen, prompted.
    “But we talked about it and we don’t want separate rooms. We want to stay together.”
    Ash shifted closer and seemed to melt into the older boy’s body. He had really started coming out of his shell since he’d been with them. He wasn’t a skittish pup anymore, but he still relied on Ash heavily. Especially during confrontation or discussions with Gwen and Lennox.  It was part of the reason Lennox had suggested giving them both some more space. Ash needed to learn to stand on his own two feet or he would forever be relying on Aidan. The boy had latched onto him hard, which was understanding considering Aidan was the one who saved his life. Sat with him and talked him through his first change. When everyone else had written the little guy off for dead Aidan was there to take care of him. It was understandable, but they couldn’t encourage it. Ash had to learn to be strong and independant. He had to learn to stand up for himself or he would be in danger. When he first came to them he cowered every time someone moved too fast or spoke too loud. His nightmares kept everyone in the house awake. He was doing much better but he still needed to learn to stand on his own two feet.
     
    Gwen sighed, “You boys are growing up, there’s not a lot of space in Aidan’s room. Ash needs more space for his things. And you, Aidan, are almost an adult; you’re getting too old to be sharing a bed.  Your father and I have discussed this. You’re both growing up and it’s time to become a little more independent.”
     
    Ash shivered and pulled closer to Aidan, as if he was trying to crawl into his lap. That was actually what Ash didn’t want. Aidan to grow up and leave him behind.
    His voice was small and muffled when he spoke, “Please, Auntie, I don’t want to be alone at night. I know I’m supposed to grow up. And stop acting like a child. But...it’s just...at night…” His voice trailed off. Too embarrassed to go on. He didn’t want to admit he was scared. Only Aidan knew he still sometimes had nightmares about getting attacked or wandering the woods alone.
     
    Aidan wrapped his arms around the smaller boy protectively and laid his cheek against the top of his head. Gwen studied the boys closely. They spent all their time together, touching whenever possible. They had a tight bond and it was only growing. She had a feeling she knew what it meant and had warned Lennox. The Alpha had shrugged it off.
     
    “I’ll tell you what. Let me discuss it with Lennox. You boys are growing up and there really isn't enough space in that room for all your stuff. It’s crowded and cluttered and always a mess. It will only get worse as Ash gets older and with him starting high school soon, he needs space to do his school work as well. It really isn’t appropriate for you two to share a bed anymore. Aidan’s almost 18, an adult…”
    “Mum! It’s not like that…”
    “BUT… I understand you’re not ready to be alone. And we are pack animals. How about we put some bunk beds in Ash’s room? I think we have a set around here somewhere. That way if you need to be close by at night, you can. But you both get your own space.”
     
    Aidan gripped Ash tight for a minute. He knew she was right; he was almost an adult and he really shouldn’t be sharing a bed with a little boy. And their room was rather crowded. Aidan sighed and pulled a little away from Ash to look into his eyes.
     
    “What do you think, Ashling?”
    “I guess that would be okay.” He replied softly, sitting up straighter.
     
    +x+x+x+x+
     
    When bedtime came around Aidan and his Father had finished putting together his old bunk beds. He was still a little apprehensive about this sleeping arrangement but appreciated the compromise. This would be just fine. He would be close enough to keep an eye on his little pup and Ash would feel safe knowing Aidan was nearby. Until he was ready to be alone.
     
    Above him Ash curled into a ball on his side, the blankets pulled tight around his small body. He couldn’t seem to get warm. He continually took slow deep breaths; holding Aidan’s scent as long as he could. He tried to take solace in the fact that he wasn’t scared; just cold, uncomfortable and a little lonely. He could hear Aidan moving around in the bed below him. The movements reminded him that he was nearby, but his restlessness made the young pup anxious.
     
    Aidan punched his pillow and rolled onto his side. His arms felt heavy and his chest held a chill. He rolled onto his back and stared at the bunk above him. His skin felt like it was too tight on his bones and no matter how much he moved he couldn’t get comfortable. Aidan took a deep breath and pulled the scent of his pup deep into his lungs. At least Ash was close by. The smell helped him relax a little. The nearly grown shifter rolled onto his side pulling the pillow close to his chest with his arms wrapped tight around it. It was too soft and smelled too much like laundry detergent. God, how much he missed snuggling up to his little pup. The small warm body pressed against his chest, his dark black hair tickling his nose. Aidan sighed. His parents were right; he was too old to be snuggling up with a child. Even if ‘puppy piles’ were a normal part of pack life. And Ash was growing up too, 13. He would be starting high school soon. Making new friends, maybe a girlfriend or two. God knows he’s attractive enough. And sure, humans found him a little odd, he’s so very wolf, but his honest and loyal nature made him endearing. Aidan felt a growl bubble into his throat. What the hell? Aidan huffed and shook his head hard. Closing his eyes he took a deep breath to take in the other boy’s scent and strained his ears to catch the familiar sounds of his soft breath. Cocking his head to the side he listened closely. Ash was breathing deep but deliberately. He definitely wasn’t asleep. Putting his hands on the bottom of the top bunk, he could feel slight vibrations. His little pup was shivering. This was stupid. Him and Ash were both miserable, they weren’t going to get any sleep like this. It was his job, his purpose, to take care of that boy. And part of that was making sure he got a good night’s sleep. Warm and comfortable.
     
    “Screw this. Come on down here, Pup!”
    “But… Auntie a-and Lennox said…”
    “I don’t care what they said; you’re my pup, I make the rules and you should be here, with me.”
    “But...”
     
    Aidan took a deep breath, his voice going soft, “Unless you don’t want to? Would you rather stay up there, Little Pup? That’s okay you know, if you want to sleep alone. I won’t be mad, I promise. Is that what you want, Cashel?”
    “No! It’s cold up here.”
    Aidan chuckled. “Then come here, wouldn’t want to wake up to an Ash-cicle.”
     
    Ash giggled and jumped down from the top bunk, landing softly on his feet like a true shifter. Aidan was equally proud and impressed. Slipping under the covers he pushed himself close to the larger boy tucking his head under his chin and laying his palm on his chest. It was bit of a tight squeeze but soon the boys were comfortably cuddled together. Ash gently draped his leg over Aidan’s and squeezed his foot under him. Aiden pulled him closer.
     
    “Better my Ashling?”
    “Much.” Ash said with a yawn before snuggling in.
     
    Aidan smiled, buried his nose in the younger boy’s hair and took a deep breath. Yes, this was the way it was supposed to be.
     
    +x+x+x+x+
     
    Gwen pushed the door opened slowly and peeked in, Lennox close on her heels. Aidan lay on his side with his back pressed against the wall. His face buried in Ash’s midnight black hair. The younger boy’s cheek was pressed against his chest, a soft smile on his face. They had their arms wrapped tight around each other and their legs were tangled together. Two heartbeats drumming gently in perfect synchronization. They were both so deeply asleep neither boy stirred as their parents looked down on them.
     
    “See, I told you.”
    “This isn’t right, Gwen.”
    “Actually, I think it’s exactly right. You’ve been there yourself, Lennox, can’t you recognize it?”
    Lennox sighed. “Yeah, yeah. There are some in the pack that aren’t going to like this. And they’re both so young, especially Ash.”
    “Perhaps. And what will you do about that, Alpha?”
     
    Lennox stared down at the sleeping boys and took a deep breath. “There are some laws higher than even I. And no one will disrespect my boys.”
    Gwen smiled at her husband and kissed him gently on the cheek before leaving him standing over the two boys. He followed shortly after, softly closing the door behind him.
     
    That evening when the boy’s returned home they found a queen sized bed in each of their rooms.
     
     
  12. LillyLee
    Ash didn’t like school much. Too many people, too many questions. He never had to go to school before, all the kids in his old pack had been home schooled. But Gwen and Lennox had insisted. They registered him under their name, told the school they were fostering him. At first Ash had resisted, flat out refused, but they thought it would do him good. He would be bored at home all day by himself anyways they had told him; the adults would be working and the rest of the kids were in school themselves. It wasn’t until Aiden stepped in and told the young pup he should go that Ash finally, yet begrudgingly, agreed not to fight about it.
     
    Today was Friday; the first week was almost over. Aidan would be picking him up and they were going to go out and do something special. Ash tried not to be excited, but he missed his friend so much. His first week at the McKenna house Aidan was allowed to stay home to help Ash settle in, they hadn’t been apart for more than a few minutes all that week and being separated was proving to be difficult. Even if they did spend every minute together once they got home.  
    Ash fidgeted in his seat and glanced at the clock. It was taking all his willpower not to bounce; he felt himself practically vibrating with excitement. He couldn't sit still and he had long ago given up on paying attention.
    “You seem happy today.” Ash turned wide eyed to the girl who sat next to him. Her name was Kadey; she had been very nice to him all week. She didn’t tease him for being weird like some of the other kids. And she said it was okay that he didn’t live with his biological family; his new family was special because they choose to love him. He liked her enough, for a human at least.
    “It’s Friday.”
    “Yes, Fridays are nice. Do you have something special planned for the weekend?” Ash nodded shyly, he could feel his face burn. Kadey smiled. “Would you like to tell me?”
    “My Aidan’s coming to get me today.”
    “Aidan? Is that your foster brother?” Ash nodded. “That’s nice that you can spend some time together. My big brother doesn’t really like to play with me; he says I’m just a silly little girl.”
    “Aidan always wants to play with me.”
    “That’s because he chose you.” Kadey stated matter of fact.
    Ash smiled. He liked the sound of that. Aidan chose him. He couldn’t stop a small smile from forming on his usually emotionless face.
     
    +x+x+x+x+
     
    “Are you sure someone’s coming to get you?” His teacher asked for the third time.
    Ash nodded, a little less sure than he was an hour ago.
    “Alright, well come sit in the office and wait. I’ll try calling your parents.”
     
    Ash followed the teacher into the office and sat down on a hard plastic chair. His chest felt tight. Aidan promised he would be there. That he would come get him after school. Ash rubbed his damp palms on his jeans; it’s only been half an hour, get a grip on yourself, Aidan promised. Ash fidgeted in his seat, he could feel his eyes burn with tears. What if Aidan didn’t show up? What if they changed their minds and they don’t want him anymore? Ash closed his eyes tight and took a deep breath. I’m too old for this. He scolded himself, Calm down and pull yourself together.
     
    “Ash!” The dark haired boy’s head snapped up when he heard that voice. “Oh, Little Pup, I’m sorry I’m late.”
    Ash looked to the floor. “It’s okay,” He mumbled.
    “No, it’s not. I had to stay after school; I tried to get out of it. I really am sorry”
    “Okay.”
    “Ash? Look at me, Pup.” Ash lifted his eyes to meet Aidan’s. “Ah, there’s those big blues. What do you say we go grab some food, huh?”
    “Excuse me? Who are you?”
    “Oh hey, thanks for looking after the little man here, but I’m going to take him home now.”
    “Who are you?”
    “Oh, I’m Aidan.”
    “Look, I can’t just let you take him out of here. I don’t know who you are. Please step away from the child.”
    “Excuse me?” Aidan's voice came out with a slight growl. His hands squeezed into fists at his sides.
    “Look, son, you need to just back away or I’ll have to call the cops.”
    “You can’t keep him from me!”
    “And I can’t just let a minor leave with some strange teenager!”
    Ash dropped his eyes to the floor again. He could hear the teacher arguing with Aidan, she wasn’t going to let him leave. He felt his eyes burn again; she wanted to take him away from Aidan. He could feel the anger rolling off the older boy, his fists clenched. He wasn’t communicating well; he never did when he was upset. He just kept making demands. Hell, he was pissed. Pissed that someone was trying to keep them apart.
    “Ash? Are you okay?” Ash looked up to see Kadey taking the seat next to him. Ash nodded. He was scared if he tried to talk she would hear the fear in his voice. He couldn’t let her see that kind of weakness. “Is that you're Aidan?” Ash nodded again. Kadey stood up and walked towards their teacher. “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith?”
    “Not now, Kadey, go sit with Ash and don’t move.”
    “It’s just, Ash is really upset.”
    “I know sweetie…”
    “He wants to go home with his Aidan.”
    “What?”
    “That’s Aidan, he’s Ash’s foster brother.”
    “What?”
    “Ash was very excited he would be picking him up today.”
    Mrs. Smith turned back to the teenager. “Your Ash’s brother?”
    “Well, not really. But he lives with my family.”
    “Ash? Sweetie? Is this your brother?” Ash nodded without looking up. “Do you want to go home with him?”
    Ash nodded again. “Yes, please.” Ash’s voice came out small and broken. He was ashamed to sound so small and weak. Especially in front of Aidan. He glanced over at the older boy worried. But Aidan was just looking at him with a fond smile.
    “Mr. Aidan?" Kadey spoke up again. "Don’t you have some ID or something? To prove who you are.”
    “What? Oh, yea.” Aidan pulled out his wallet and handed the teacher his student ID. The teacher pursed her lips at Aidan’s last name, the same one Ash had been registered under.
    “Why didn’t you just say so to start with? Instead of running in here making demands and threats!” Aidan shrugged. “Alright, Ash, you go along with your brother.”
     
    +x+x+x+x+
     
    With Ash’s hand gripped tightly in his own Aidan led the smaller boy across the field towards the nearby mall. Now that he had his pup he was starting to relax. He really started to lose it in there. When the old bat said he couldn’t take Ash with him he sort of lost his mind. He knew he let his anger take control, made things more difficult than they needed to be. But now it was okay, that little human girl was surprisingly helpful. Even if Aidan was a little embarrassed he hadn’t thought of pulling out his ID in the first place.
     
    “Alright, Little Pup, what do you want to do first? I could go for some grub, how about burgers and chilli fries? Then maybe we’ll hit up the arcade? Or maybe the batting cages.” Ash stopped suddenly pulling his hand from Aidan’s.  “What? Hey, Little Pup, what’s wrong?” Ash’s eyes were glued to the ground. Aidan could smell a faint hint of salt as Ash squeezed his eyes shut, obviously trying to hold back tears. Getting to his knees Aidan tucked his knuckle under the younger boy’s chin, forcing his head up to meet his eyes.
     
    “I thought you left me behind.” Ash's voice was small and broken, full of fear and pain. A sharp pain shot Aidan’s heart and he felt his own eyes start to burn. Ash had really thought he was going to leave him. The smaller boy was holding himself taunt, trying to hide how unsteady he was. Knowing he hurt his pup was breaking Aidan’s heart. Even worse was the fact that Ash easily believed Aidan would leave him. His lack of faith was Aidan’s failure. Reaching up he griped the smaller boy’s shoulders, hazel eyes blazing intensely into the blue.
    “I will NEVER leave you behind Cashel, you’re my pup now. I promise, you and me, till the end. I swear nothing will ever keep me from you. I will always be here for you. Always, no matter what. I’m so sorry I scared you.”
     
    Ash blinked hard as the tears began to spill down his little cheeks. He was embarrassed for crying, and ashamed he hadn’t trusted Aidan. And he was so relieved to hear his friend’s promise. Aidan brushed his thumb across the younger boy’s face, wiping the tears away with a small smile. Suddenly Aidan's arms were full and Ash was gripping the back of his shirt tightly. He could feel the younger boy’s body shaking as he sobbed loudly. Aidan felt his own tears running down his face, this poor child had been through so much. Orphaned at a young age. Abandoned by his own pack, left to die alone. The little Ash had told them about his life before gave them the belief he was greatly neglected. Past around from pack member to pack member, made too feel like an unwanted burden. It was no wonder he was so scared Aidan would leave him. Aidan pulled him tight and rubbed his back.
     
    “I swear to you. I’ll always be here. Always. You’ll never have to be alone again.”  Ash nodded against his shoulder and took a shuddering breath, his sobbing slowing to a stop. Aidan would die before he broke this promise, he would die before he caused this precious boy anymore pain.
     
     
     
  13. LillyLee
    *Note: for the purpose of this entry i will be using the term amateur writer inr regards to someone who is self-published or self posting. Not in reference to experience or skill level*
     
    My interest in gay romance started in a way, I think, is similar to most straight women's: fanfiction. It all started with the Percy Jackson series. For those of you who are not familiar I'll give you a little background. This series has a totally bad ass character named Nico. He is sort of a minor character or a background hero. He starts out very minor but his importance grows as the series progresses. He becomes one of those characters that isn't really 'the hero' but you can tell without his efforts the hero never would have been able to prevail. As his character arch progresses you realize his motivation for saving the world has more to do with saving the hero himself. When it's revealed that hes gay and has a thing for the hero you can't help but wish manages to capture his love interests attention. Spoiler, he doesn't. He's such an awesome character and has been through so much you can't help but want something good for him. So of course, there a million fanfics where the hero changes his mind, comes to his senses, dumps him girlfriend and realizes how bad ass awesome Nico is and the live happily ever after. I fell in love with him and his love for Percy.
     
    My second big step into the 'genre' came with Openly Straight by Bill Konigsberg. A story about a gay boy who struggles with the balance between being "Gay Rafe" and "Rafe, who happens to be gay"
     
    The 'nail in the coffin' so to speak for me was when I realized I didn't identify with the females in amateur writing. Not just because I would be considered 'masculine' or 'a tom boy', but because the female in these stories seemed to be very ditsy, unreasonable drama queens. I read story after story where the female characters were just ridiculous and the stories I was reading all followed the same equation.
     
    I find myself drawn to gay romance/ literature because it's fresh and new, the characters are more relatable, the struggles are real, and yes because gay sex if f*cking hot (LOL).
     
    I read one article that made me prickle about how women are attracted to MM romance because it allows them to relate to a 'submissive' character without feeling like they are giving into gender roles. It went on to say women like the idea of being submissive but shy away from it because they feel the pressure to be a 'strong' women. While I could relate to idea of yes, sometimes it's nice to be the 'girl' even thou I see myself as a 'strong women', I don't feel that pressure to shy away from it.
    (the article was written by a straight man, may or may not be relevant)
     
    Another discussion board I found expressed it as the same attraction men have to lesbian porn; two is always better then one. Again, while it has some merit it didn't feel like the whole picture. Yes, the sex is hot, but it's not ALL about the hot sex, or even the fact that it's two men. it's about well written, sexual sex instead of fluffy caresses and quivering members.
     
    Most women see to express the same feelings I have. The portrayals of women in media and novels, even amateur, are just ...blah.
     

    Discussion Questions

    How did you first discover MM romance? What attracted you to it? How do you feel about the article about women and submissive roles? About two men just being hotter? How do gay men/women feel about this "gay fandom"? How realistic do you find the portrayals of queer characters written buy binary authors? Any other comments are welcome as always

  14. LillyLee
    So first off I want to say sorry to all those who left comments and did not get a response. Rest assured I probably wrote out a reply in my head when I read it and said "I'll have to remember to reply later" . I'm horrible when it comes to responding, I'll never be a good famous person LOL. But your thoughts are appreciated and I'm determined to go back and do so (even though so much time has passed lol).
     
    Also, sorry if you've been waiting on a story/chapter. I got distracted by a new series and went on a reading kick.
     
    Yea, I suck, I know.
     
    On that note my plans are as follows:
     Finish My Prince (epilogue is half done ish) Finish Duets (almost there!) Start Satan's BFF and figure out if I'm keeping it as a short story or expanding to multi-chapter. Maybe a series of one shots like the Admirer Series. We'll see. Work on plotting for The Good Doctor. Plot out a few more Admirer Shots I'm not going to make any promises on timing but I'm working on it!
  15. LillyLee
    As a parent who struggles with gender identity (Neutral? Fluid? A-gender? Something else?) the hardest thing I have faced is figuring out how to raise my kid. He is a mini me, personality and attitude. In many ways he is what would be considered a 'regular little boy' but in a lot of ways he displays 'overly feminine' behaviors. I do my best to keep a neutral environment, but find have started over thinking things that is making my life, perhaps, more complicated then they need to be.
    (FYI he's only 4)
    When he assigns gender to inanimate objects, such as hair or toys, I correct him.
    When he labels gender roles, boys/ girls don't do that, I correct him.
     
    But sometimes it's not as easy as that...
    A good example took place last week. We were both home sick and decided to paint our nails (actually his idea). When I finished his he turns to me, hand out and says
    "Mommy, look I have pretty girl nails!"
    So I reply by telling him just because they are pretty, they aren't girls nails. Boys can have pretty nails too.
    He says again, "I have pretty girl nails"
    So I start second guessing myself; maybe he WANTS to have GIRL nails.
    Do I say "you can have girl nails if you want", or do I try to teach him they don't have to be "girl nails" in order to be pretty"
     
    I idea behind not pushing gender roles on a kid is one I am fully 100% behind (his juice bottle is pink hello kitty, his thermos is spider man), but it's a lot harder in practice. I keep worrying I'm going to unintentionally push him towards something without even realizing it. And I find it's difficult to teach gender to a kid who doesn't even understand that no mommy doesn't have a penis.
     
    Any other parents facing similar... i don't want to say problems... confusions is perhaps a good word.
    Any other parents facing similar confusions?
    Any examples of things your parents did you found very positive?
    Any advice on how to maintain a healthy environment?
    How young is too young to start worrying or trying to explain the idea of gender?
  16. LillyLee
    Smile wide
    With tears in my eyes
    Holding back what makes me cry
     
    Shake my head
    It’s all alright
    I don’t want another fight
     
    Turn around
    The tears fall down
    Whispering goodbye
  17. LillyLee
    In the dark I'll be your light,



    When you’re weak I'll be your mite,



    When you’re blind I'll help you see,



    I'll be there if you need me too be.


     

    When you cry I'll wipe your tears,



    If you’re scared I'll rid your fears,



    I'll speak the truth-What you need to here,



    Look into my eyes-I'll be your mirror.


     

    When you’re lost I'll help you find your way,



    When were together it will be okay,



    When you call I'll be at your side,



    I’m always happy to provide.


     

    My words will forever be true,



    I will always be here for you.



    At any time- night or day,



    Ever after in the very same way.


  18. LillyLee
    Life is like a roller coaster
    It has its ups and downs
    But sometimes you seem so low
    You think you'll hit the ground
    But pay close attention
    Don’t close your eyes
    Watch as the track goes up
    Soon you shall rise.
  19. LillyLee
    Girls with Anxiety
     
    I little diddy someone posted on facebook that really spoke to me. It was like that thing that I wish everyone understood and saw and thought when they see me. 
    Like for those days when you just want to grab someone and shake them and yell at them,
    "can't you see how hard I'm trying!"
     
    Of course, same thing can be said about "boys with anxiety" i would like it best if it was "people with anxiety". But this will do. 
     
    I work in retail. My job is to convince people they need expensive electronics, with all the bells and whistles (and protection of course), by making an emotional connection to instill trust and false sense of security.  
     
    It's fucking draining. 
    My job is sometimes my biggest nightmare and i wake up in the morning with desire only to crawl into bed and borrow under the covers and just forget i exist. And sometimes i'm walking the aisles at work and see a customer nearby and all i can think about is how I have to approach them and offer this stranger,who probably wants nothing to do with me, a piece of myself. 
     
    It's like all those things you wish you could ell someone who tries but just doesn't understand. One of those things you see online and you want to show it to everyone you know because "this is me, get it now?" but you're to scared that hey still won't get it. or they just won't care. and it's that line between wanting to explain because obviously they haven't felt it so they don't know but also why the fuck should i have to explain why i feel that way cant you just except that i do? 
    Can you just stop telling me "I'm lazy" or "a procrastinator" and see that right now I just can't. I'm exhausted by my own thoughts. 
     
    Those days where it's a battle between fear of failure but o energy to be productive. Sitting there making a list of all the things you have to do but can't make yourself do any of them. When thinking about doing something stressful is so exhausting you can't get up and do it. It's like, "no i didn't forget,  I thought about doing it. a lot. too much and that's why I can't do it"
     
    Those days where you are just so lonely, you feel almost desperate for huan contact. but then when you actually make plans you dead having to follow through  ith them. It's seeing your friends or people online posting about how much fin their having, wishing you had been invited, but choking because you know if they had invited you, you probably would have blown them off. 
     
    I feel aged. Old. 
    I hate being told "i'm too young to be tired" or "I'm young, i should have more of a social life" 
    my body may be young but my stress makes me feel old.
     
     
     
  20. LillyLee
    The Pack - multi-chapter, wolf-shifters
    I have been working on this for so long, it is my baby, my one true love. It won't be posted until I have the plot flushed out a bit more. But I have lots of teasers for it.
     

    The myth behind the wolves
     
    The Morrígan worked very closely with groups of men called männerbund, these groups were made up of young warrior hunters who lived on the borders of society and indulged in lawless acts.
    Often, she enlisted these groups to assist her in her plots for war and revenge; basically they were mercenaries.
     
    Morrigan found many of these groups were shrinking as the members grew up and decided to give up their lawless ways and properly join society, often due to starting/ wanting to start a family.
    In order to convince them to stay with her she gifted those who remained loyal the ability to change themselves into wolves. While in human form they had increased strength, speed,stamina and senses. While in wolf form they maintained their human minds.
     
    Morrigan made no attempt to control her creations outside of making sure they were completing her tasks. The männerbund used their ‘wolf skills’ in order to commit more vicious crimes; including rape and murder. Often with the intent of breeding more of their own kind.
     
    In order to combat this new threat Cernunnos gave another group of warriors the ability to also turn themselves into wolves in order to protect their people. These wolf-shifters were given the names MacTier.
     
    When the Morrigan was confronted about the abominations she had let loose she refused to take responsibility. In order to save face she cut ties with the groups but could not take the gift back.
     
    Cernunnos give them the choice: give up their evil ways and join the Mac Tier or continue to live lawless and be cursed. Many in the group believing in Morrigan's protection refused to amend their ways. Not knowing that when she ‘disappeared’ she also denied them her favor and protection.
     
    Those that refused Cerunnos’ offer were cursed with great pain during their change and that ever if they lay with a human, as soon as they turned wolf again, they would lose their human form. Once one lost their human form they began to lose their human mind. Eventually becoming feral and very dangerous.
    The idea of this curse being that it wouldn’t stop them from mating (children were often the reason most decided to ‘turn good’), just from raping or tricking unsuspecting humans into bearing their young. Another wolf would be able to tell what they were by scent.
    The cursed wolves soon became known as Dire Wolves
  21. LillyLee
    So (about) once a week I'm going to be posting sneak peaks to some of my upcoming projects. If something catches your eye let me know and maybe it will get published sooner
     
    So this story is based on a prompt from Pinterest about a little boy making a deal with the devil, forcing the demon to be his friend. And Satan just rolls with it until he realizes at the time of their death he genuinely likes him. Since he can’t renege on the contract he takes them to hell and puts them in a high position of power. It will be a very dark, dark story. Expect alcohol and drug use, physical and mental abuse, depression and desperation, twisted psychopath child, and probably BDSM. It was originally planned as a short story but as I planned the main character (aside from Lucifer) I really got into his story and now I think it will be longer then I thought.
     
     
     
    **Trigger warning! Suicide, alcohol and drug abuse**
     

    The boy swallowed another handful of pills and a large drink of whiskey before crawling onto the bed next to Lucifer and got comfortable, the whiskey by his side.
    “What’s it like?”
    “Death?”
    “Hell. That’s where I'll be right?”
    “Well, yes, your soul will go to hell. It's not pleasant place.”
    “Neither is here.”
    “I suppose.”
    “Will I be tortured for all eternity?”
    “What?”
    “That's what happens to souls in hell right? They are tortured by demons for the rest of eternity.”
    “Usually, yes. You seem very calm about all this.”
    The boy yawned and blinked slowly before answering with a slightly slurring voice, “Well I've had many years to come to terms with my path. I'm getting sleepy.”
    “Once you fall asleep you won't ever wake up. I will take your soul to hell.”
    “Will I know who I am? Will I remember. I find I don't want to forget you.”
    “Well, I can choose to leave your memories in tact, but that usually makes hell worse.”
    “I don't care. I don't want to forget you.” The boy's eyes started to drift closed. Lucifer wrapped his arms around his little buddy and snuggled him close. There had to be some way he could protect his friend from the horrors of his own domain. He was the king of the underworld after all. He made the rules.
    “I’ll let you keep your memories, little one. And I will protect you from those that may hurt you. Hell is my domain and I decide how things work down there.”
    “Goodbye, Lucifer, thank you for being my friend.”
    “Not goodbye, little one, I will see you on the other side. And there you will be free as you never were here.”
  22. LillyLee
    Soo once a week I plan on posting a piece of poetry I wrote, most of which are from a number of years ago, so I will be calling this 'segment... Flash Back Poetry.
     

    Take a walk with a stranger



    And tell him your dreams



    Open yourself up



    It's as easy as it seems


     

    Take a walk with a stranger



    The secrets you will share



    The deepest and the darkest



    Cause this stranger won't care


     

    Take a walk with a stranger



    And let it all out



    You'll feel much better



    This I don't doubt


     

    Take a walk with a stranger



    And when you are through



    You'll know yourself better



    For this stranger is you


  23. LillyLee
    I open this up for discussion or you can just read my opinion and ponder. Maybe keep in mind while you're reading my stories.
     

    Moral dilemmas are a great source of drama and tension in a story. And having your readers question their own morals and try to judge the situations your characters are facing and their reactions is a great way to pull them into the story. Often our characters or plot don't align with our own ethics/ morals as the author, but we have to do our best to stay true to the character/plot.
     
    I find, for myself at least, the biggest difference of morality between myself and my characters occurs in the case of non-human/ supernatural characters. For example witches, vampires, werewolves, fae. As a species and culture they each have their own code of ethics and moral decency, most of which don't line up with my own (often those of human kind either). For myself, it is easier for me to look a a situation and say "in my world, that's bad. But I recognize it's okay in their world". I learned about an anthropology principle in school called Cultural Relativism. Basically; don't judge a culture based on your own cultures standards (Flip side of this would be Ethnocentrism, google it for definition).
     
    For example; Vampires feeding from humans without permission would break most people moral codes, an immortal being who is 2 millenniums old dating a high school girl is a common trope but kind of like pedophilia, fae feeding humans either food to keep them trapped is basically kidnapping and forced confinement.
    All things that human culture would deem unacceptable but is perfectly normal in supernatural worlds.
     
    Similar dilemmas can be found within the human species when crossing cultural boundaries. For (not to serious) example, as a Canadian, it was culturally accepted when I choose to circumcise my son. Many people, especially European. have expressed that it is such an accepted practice where they come from. Another example is that in Canada we take our shoes off when entering a house, apparently that's not a world wide thing.
     

    The problem lies in the few cases I have experienced where readers have been unable or unwilling to excuse supernatural behavior that is normal to them. Like a vampire sucking someone dry or a wolf killing a rival in a alpha challenge. It become a tough decision between making something people are comfortable reading and being true to the vision/ cultural norms of your characters and world.
     
     
     

    Discussion Questions
    Is it acceptable to excuse immoral behavior because we acknowledge cultural/ species differences? Do you find it easy or difficult to do so? Do you find it hard to enjoy stories that contain elements you feel are immoral? Does it make a difference if it's a cultural difference? A supernatural difference? Can you accept a difference at face value or do you need an explanation on why it is acceptable in their culture/world ? Have you had this dilemma in your own writing? How did you deal with it?

  24. LillyLee
    Finding Each Other
     
    The air was warm and the moon was bright. Fifteen year old Aidan McKenna was laying in the grass with his pack, relaxing after a run. There was no better feeling in the world in the young shifter’s opinion. Taking a deep breath he savored the familiar scents that filled the air. The grass and dirt, the forest filled with animals. The personal scents of his closest pack mates and family. The fresh baked pie smell of his mother, the warm leather of his father. Aidan sat up quickly and took a deep breath as a strange scent tickled his nose. With another deep breath he tried to catch more of the strange yet alluring scent. It was natural definitely, not quite human but not quite animal either. It was almost shifter, but sweet and mildly spicy. Aidan pushed to his feet, scenting the air, trying to discover what it was. He could hear the confused voices questioning him but it barely filtered from his ears to his brain. He followed the scent towards the tree line where it got stronger. The sweet and spicy smell grew sharp, almost like vanilla. Aidan froze again; another scent was layering over the first. It was sharp and coppery. Blood. The young teen took off at a run, following the smell to its source.
    He didn’t have to run far into the trees when the sour mix of vanilla and blood filled his head completely. He stopped suddenly allowing his eyes to shift so he could make out the shapes in the darkness. Someone was moving towards him, slowly and with obvious difficulty. As the shape became clearer Aidan saw it was a child, and a small one at that. The child stopped and reached out to grab the nearby tree. His hand slipped off and he pitched forwards towards the ground. Aidan didn’t remember moving, but suddenly the child was in his arms. Aidan pulled the child, who he could now see was a boy, close to his body. His skin was ice-cold and scattered in bruises, cuts, and blood. So much blood. How can a child so small have so much blood? He pushed the dark hair out of his face. He was so small, so young. The small boy took a shuddering breath and Aidan felt his heart stutter.
    “Aidan?” Aidan’s head snapped up and he gripped the boy protectively. He had been so caught up with following the smell he hadn’t even noticed his best friend, Logan, had followed him. “Hey, man, that kids in pretty rough shape. We should probably get him back to the house.”
    “He’s so small. How can someone so small bleed so much?” If Aidan had been in a clearer state of mind he would have noticed how broken and rough his voice sounded. Logan took a slow step forward, freezing when his friend growled. “Hey, now.” Logan held his hands up, palms facing out, and tilted his head to bare his throat. He was no threat to Aidan; or his young ward. “Aidan, he’s bleeding a lot and his heartbeat is erratic. His breathing is slow and shallow. He is fading fast, Aidan. We have to take him back.”
    Aidan nodded slowly. “Yea.”
    “Do you want me to…”
    “No! I mean… no, it’s okay. I’ve got him.” Pulling the boy close Aidan crawled to his feet, “I got him.” With Logan close on his heels he rushed back to house, trying his best not to jostle the boy around too much.
    When Aidan broke through the tree line his lungs were burning and his arms ached. The boy may have been small but dead weight was heavy. Oh god...please don’t let him be dead. Please don’t let him die.
    “Auntie Gwen! Alpha! Help us!” Logan yelled towards the house.
    “Oi, what do you have there?”
    “It’s a boy, Auntie.”
    “A boy? Is he human? Have you lost your senses?” Aidan gripped his cargo as his parents came close with the rest of the pack.
    “I’m not sure, Mama, his scent is strange. Please, he’s hurt. We have to help him.” This time Aidan could hear the fear and pain in his own voice.
    “Quick then, bring him in. We’ll see what we can do. Lennox!”
    “Where did you find him?” His father’s voice was steady, it gave him strength.
    “Near the north property line.”
    “Was he awake?”
    “I saw him trying to walk towards the house. Then he just collapsed. I could smell his blood...”
    “What is it, boy?”
    “He saw me but...”
    “But...?”
    “There was no fear. It was like he was trying to get to me. Maybe he’s like us.”
    “We will do what we can for him, call in the authorities tomorrow. If he survives.”
    “Thank you Da, Mama...”
    “Don’t thank us yet, there is a chance he will not make it through the night.”
    “He’ll make it, I just know he will.”

    +x+x+x+x+


    Aidan tossed and turned. He couldn’t get comfortable, he couldn’t relax. He could still smell the sweet vanilla scent of the boy. No longer laced with the tang of copper. He felt worried, anxious and just a little scared. His father had called Pierce from the nearby town, he was the closest thing to a medic the Pack had. Even though he wasn’t Pack they trusted him with all their medical needs. The Doc had patched the boy up as best he could; the total injury tally was impressive. His right shoulder socket was shattered and he had two fractures in his ulna. A total of four broken fingers, five pulled or strained muscles, 26 stitches and countless swelling bruises and cuts. He had been walking on a dislocated knee for some time and one eye was swollen shut. He was malnourished and dehydrated. He had lost a lot of blood but not as much as Aidan had thought. The boy was stable when Pierce had left, but still in the danger zone.
    Aidan took a shuddering breath and threw his covers off. No one believed the little one would make it through the night. His father had arranged to dig a hole in the morning. The sounds of sleeping shifters drifted through the air as he made his way quietly into the hall. He would just peek in for a minute and make sure the little guy was okay before heading back to bed. And if he wasn’t? Hell, if he wasn’t he would pull him close and tell him a story. Nobody deserved to die alone. Especially such a small child. As Aidan stepped close to the door he could hear heavy panting and low, muffled grunts of pain. The smell of pure vanilla laced with fear filled his senses. He couldn’t leave the little guy all alone in there when he was in so much pain. He opened the door and called out softly,
    “Hey, hey now. I’m coming in okay?” The little boy whimpered but seemed to calm down. Aidan heard his little heart slowdown and his breath suck in deep. He could smell wolf; he knew the boy was one of them. No way could a human have survived that kind of trauma. “Hey, Little Pup.” He stepped closer with one hand out, unsure how the child would respond.
    “It hurts!” His voice was small and broken, Aidan felt his heart contract. “Please! What’s happening to me?”
    Aidan stepped closer; he was only a few steps away from the boy. He could see his muscles and bones shifting under his skin. He was changing. There’s no way! Aidan thought to himself, this kid is way too young to change! Aidan himself was an early changer and he had only gone through his first change last year. He took a deep breath and a small step closer. He kept his voice low and calm.
    “Do you know what you are, Little Pup? You’re changing. Do you know what that means?”
    “No, it’s too soon! I’m not old enough!”
    “Shhh… I know, Little Pup. I know. But you have to relax.” Aidan sat down next to the boy and pulled his head on his lap. He gently stroked his raven hair. “You have to just relax and let it happen. Don’t fight it. Feel the pull and let it flow. I got you; I won’t leave you, Little Pup. I’m here. Don’t be scared.”
    “I’m not scared.”
    Aidan took a deep breath; anxiety and sweat mixed with vanilla. But not one drop of fear. “I know. You’re such a brave little pup. I’m so proud of you. I’m here now, you just relax and I’ll take care of you.”
    The little boy took a deep breath and nuzzled his face against Aidan’s thigh. He took a deep breath and Aidan felt his body relax. It was as if the tension melted away now that he wasn’t alone. Gently stroking the little boy’s hair Aidan whispered praise and encouragement. He comforted him until his small body was covered in soft black fur. His change was almost complete. Aidan took his own clothes off and pushed his change. He pushed himself up on his four paws and looked over at the black wolf. Crystal blue eyes blinked up at him. The little wolf pushed to his feet with some effort but managed to hold his weight. He took a few shaky steps towards Aidan before pushing his muzzle into the larger gray wolf's fur. The little pup didn't even reach his shoulders. He seemed to be moving fine though, the shift would have healed most of his injuries. Aidan gave a little snort and rubbed his chin on top of the little pup’s head. He gave the pup a lick before jumping back. His head low, back haunches straight, tongue hanging out. He wanted to play. The little pup tilted his head to the side and gave a small snort. Really? He seemed to say, aren’t you a little old for this? Aidan snorted a laugh; his little pup was so mature. The little black wolf gave a big yawn and padded closer to the big guy, gave his muzzle a little nip the licked the bite. After a slow nuzzle the little pup curled up at Aidan’s feet and closed his eyes. Aidan smiled, as much as a wolf could smile, and lay down beside him. After curling his larger body around the small one and resting his head on top of the other boy’s he closed his eyes. Maybe a nap did sound good right about now.

    +x+x+x+x+


    Ash woke up just as the sun was peaking over the horizon. He was calm and relaxed. For the first time in a long time he felt warm and safe. With only a slight ache in his muscles. Ash stretched his limbs with a groan. The warm body lying behind him readjusted its position pulling him closer. It should have been concerning that he was lying in an unfamiliar room, naked, with a strange teenager cuddled up to him. But for some reason he couldn’t bring himself to care. He snuggled up to the warm body and yawned. He’ll worry later, for now he was going to get some more rest. He pulled the blanket off the nearby bed and draped it over them before slipping back to sleep with ease.

    +x+x+x+x+


    Aidan woke up when he heard the door click open. He pulled the younger boy closer, hiding his body with his own. He smelt his parents enter the room. He took a minute to make sure the blanket was covering the smaller boy completely. To keep him warm of course. Then he rolled over to face his parents.
    “I told you he would make it. He’s a shifter like us.”
    “What happened last night, Aidan?” His father asked.
    “He changed.”
    Gwen gasped and put a hand on her husband’s arm. “There’s no way, Lennox. He’s too young. Could he have been bitten?”
    “No, he knew what was happening. He’s definitely a born shifter.” Aidan turned back to the sleeping boy. His face was soft, almost angelic in sleep. He knew behind those softly twitching eyelids were the brightest blue eyes he had even seen.
    “Aidan, he can’t be more than 10.”
    “I know, I know. But that’s what happened. And he is completely healed.”
    “Maybe his injuries triggered an early change?”
    “Maybe he’s just special.” Aidan said absent-mindedly.
    “Hmm…” Lennox grunted.
    “He IS special.” Aidan insisted. He turned his head towards his parents, one hand playing across the young boy’s hair. “He can stay with us, right? We can’t leave him alone. I’m going to keep him. I’m going to take care of him now.” He looked back down on the boy, his voice going soft, “My special little puppy. I’ll take care of you.”
    Without waking the little boy pushed his head into Aidan’s hand, deepening the contact. His breath soft and even, his heart beating steadily. Completely synchronized with Aidan’s.
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