Thank you James. That hit home.
There is this time of the morning, after you've gone out and had a good 1 or 2 day jag on coke or crack. I once saw it called "the gray" on a website somewhere. It's that time of the morning when the sun is just starting to rise, it's near the horizon but not over it, and the sky is turning from dark to gray. The dope's gone, there's no booze, everyone's crashed or crashing, and you're alone with yourself.
It's the time of the morning that you realize, again, that you've done it, again. Your nose is really baked, and sore, your gums hurt. If you've been smoking it, you're hacking up bloody phlegm.
You're just kind of dazed, coming down hard, and you know that you've spent the money/broke a trust/played/cheated/screwed someone over, especially yourself.
You tell yourself, in the gray, that this is f**ked up and you have to stop doing this shit, but you won't (and you know it but tell yourself that anyway). You'll figure out how to make it up to everybody. You'll find a way to make this stop. It's just total despair.
I never want to see the gray again. It's been a long time since I've seen it, but all I have to remember is sitting on that couch, stem in hand, staring at the wall and looking around for crumbs and trying to get one more hit somewhere, to know I never have to do that again.
I'm glad you won't either.