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paya

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  1. paya
    http://abcnews.go.com/Business/mozilla-ceo-resigns-calif-gay-marriage-ban-campaign/story?id=23181711
     
    Mozzila's CEO had to step down after it was revealed that he supported Proposition 8 banning gay marriage in California. Not only had he face the opposition from employees, the last nail in his coffin most probably came from online dating site OKCupid that blocked access to their website via Firefox.
  2. paya

    Shame on Tennessee

    By paya,

    Since we can celebrate gay marriage in the UK in the Lounge but not shame the mandatory counselling sponsored by the Bachmanns (apparently they are politicians, I would call them differently), I had to migrate this report about a new vomit inducing part of public school curriculum in Tennessee to this blog:
    http://nationalrepor...inning-may-1st/
    Just to quote:
    "We bring the gay demons out of these individuals so they can become who god intended them to be."
    “A child has to choose to become gay because god would never create a homosexual. It’s a choice, not something they were born with – and that is a proven fact,”
    “Can you imagine how much more productive these ‘now-straight’ children will be not always being bullied or wondering why god made them defective? Gay children will finally be able to learn who they truly are for once in their lives.”
    Quotes come from either Bachmann's effeminate husband's or Governor of Tennessee. If the people elect such TW**S into offices, they should be ashamed of themselves! And to top it up, it's all done in the name of religious freedom, as one of the normal Tennessee-ans (or how ever you call the citizens in Tennessee) pointed out in the article.
  4. paya
    http://zpravy.idnes.cz/foto.aspx?server=zpravy.idnes.cz&r=zpravodaj&foto1=JB4aa280_usa.jpg
     
    I know that not ALL Americans are stupid and ignorant, but there are still plenty enough to generate news like what is shown in the picture I linked. During the last hours since it was revealed that the bombers had links to CHECHNYA (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chechnya), many Americans tweeted their surprise about the bombers coming from the CZECH Republic. Even if they used the official shortened name (which is CZECHIA), the pronunciation is still different! It's as if I said all Americans were socialists and communists because Venezuelans are - and they are Southern Americans. Same name, right?
     

  5. paya
    Article
     
    I usually stayed away from politics since the Soapbox got closed but this article, linking the passing of a great political scientist and the present crisis of governance in the US, got me nodding in agreement. So I thought I would share it with you in case you wanted to know what you are up for.
  6. paya
    Bigot Americans fighting against gays abroad.
     
    I am disgusted that this is happening. It's revolting, I really don't have any understanding for this. Funnily enough, they would never move in to those countries. But they have enough guts to spread their venomous pile of crap there. Great how American notion of free speech and religion gave birth to one of the weirdest parade of lunatic churches, cults and gay-bashing freaks that are influencing lives of people in other countries that don't get the benefits from the Constitutional Amendments behind which these "preachers" are hiding.
  7. paya

    Ruminate

    By paya,

    One our saying says „it’s better [read: easier] to burn down the house than move it“. Another one says „your best friend shows in need“. I need to move and I asked my friends for a help.
     
    Since it’s not an easy move but over almost 1000 miles, there haven’t been many volunteers. And those that were willing to help are falling off for different reasons and I’m short one man that is needed. Where are my best friends that should be supposed to drop everything and come to help when you’re in need? Or what makes a best friend best friend? Do I get it wrong?
     
    Now for something completely different. I had another interesting talk this weekend. It made me think. If I’m coming out to people so easily now, being encouraged by not negative reactions, am I assuming (wrongly) that everyone is fine with it? After all, we’re in Europe; here when you come out, nobody will say in your face that you’re going to burn in hell. But are they really OK me being gay? And more importantly, how can I find out?
     
    In my life so far, I’ve made/found/been gifted with two “best friends” for quite a long time (each in the different period of my life, one, let’s call him Martin, for seven years or so, the other one (to be called Peter here) for around... well almost seven years as well!). After latest development, they both now know I am gay and that I have a boyfriend. Peter has met Westie several times, Martin learnt last weekend.
     
    I haven’t talked about me being gay with neither of them. I mean, yes, there has been the coming out part and all, but in a way, I still don’t know what they are thinking about it. They might be accepting (no sulphur and brimstone) but I sort of feel our relationship had changed. Do they think I perved on them (I did have a crush on one but it wasn’t what I now know is love), do they think I still want to rape them anytime I meet them – because I’m gay (and gays obviously do that)? Are they still as comfortable around me as they used to be? How do I find out?
     
    I’ve been brushing over this awkwardness for some time but now when I am in need of any good friend that would be willing to help with the move and is actually free in the given time, there’s deafening silence. I still have to wait for an answer from Martin, while Peter excused himself because after his serious illness broke out (his MS got confirmed), he doesn’t want to risk longer journeys. And I don't question that – even if I feel that in this case the MS came in handy... because no matter how serious it might be, it actually allows for a normal life and given all the precautions are kept, there are no limitations to the person having it. So did I lose my best friend? Did I lose him to a terrible disease or to me being gay? Was the other one a true friend any time at all? Why the two guys I thought I could always rely on, in any bad time or need I might be, why didn’t they come to help me? What makes a true best friend? And is it possible to lose them because they might accept the information about my gayness but they might not be so OK with it?
     
    Last paragraph, I promise! There’s another thing linked to the coming out. If you find yourself in an accepting environment, when you come out, do you take those people who “know” as hostages? They might be under peer pressure – they might not be alright with that but for fear to be ostracised they won't say anything and 1) pretend nothing has happened, 2) not talk about that subject at all? What if they have questions that need to be asked but they are afraid to do that? How do you have a serious talk about a thing that is inherent to you and the others don’t feel comfortable talking about it? It puts a strain on the relationship with those people – and not a small one. So while I might get relieved from a big burden weighing on me, it’s possible I just passed it over on others – moreover those, that I have deep feelings for. It has never occurred to me that coming out might also be selfish – “hey hou everyone! I’m gay, deal with it however you like; I don’t care because you can’t hate me”.
     
    All those thoughts have been bugging me all weekend and got me a serious headache. :-/ I don't know the answers, I don't have the third driver I need and I might have never had the best friends in my life... What a hoot!
     

  8. paya

    How to take nasty jabs?

    By paya,

    I'm not sure how to start this and not get lost in too much explaining and details. OK, so the shortest version possible, hopefully not too simplified.
     
    Everyone has some soft spots. Some people have less, some people have more. For me, one of the biggest ones is self-dignity and how others perceive me. I know I should not care but I do. The other big one is "personal failures" or what I see as a personal failure, even if others might call them re-evaluation of my objectives or whatever. I have lots of those. I tend to not finishing things I start. I get easily excited for something, immerse in it, then something happens or changes, I lose focus, interest, abandon it and run away. Or hide it somewhere where nobody can find it (and see my failure). The less people knows about them the better. But some of them are... quite known.
     
    Like the case with my Ph.D. I went through two years during which I lost illusions, found a steady full-time job, got another focus and completely lost any motivation in pursuing an academic career. Which of course clashed with the internal rules of the university resolving in an ending of my studies. It wasn't sudden, I knew it was coming, did nothing to prevent it, because I accepted it but still it hurt inside. It was an end of another era, one could say 22-year long era of my continuous studies, and it wasn't exactly as glorious as I would wish, or expected a few years ago. But it happened. I moved on, didn't lose the friends and still see them, even if sparsely.
     
    Today it was used against me in a Facebook Wall conversation. I know, how pathetic! But I was called on "barely getting through two semesters of Ph.D." and some other stuff. And it stung. I thought I had got over it but it spoiled most of my day and I spent it thinking up millions of great and rightful (and some a bit nasty ) retorts just to defend my honour and good name. Even if I lost any respect I might have had for that person and I could rationally argue with myself that they are not worth any effort (and I haven't replied in there anyway), it still got me pretty low, and opened some laboriously closed issues about self-valuation.
     
    So I was jabbed into a wound that would have needed some time to heal properly even without that. And I spent the day discovering I still don't know how to cope with these. :-( Even if I don't care what that person is thinking of me, what are OTHERS thinking? Do they see me the same way, as pathetic and loser? Do they agree with that statement? I see it as a public humiliation and since on the internet you never know how many people are watching, how to deal with that? But in general, how to deal with stabs in your soft spot?

  9. paya
    OK, it's been almost a year since my last entry. I'm bad!
     
    And to be honest, I would manage to go longer without a post but 1) I'm bored and procrastinating, and 2) I need to vent. And I guess it's safe to do that here.
     
    As many of you might have read, I'm moving to London soon. Well... end May at latest. We've done the plus points (Thanks Bob! ) and I persuaded my bf that it's best for us to move to London. I'm really looking forward to all that but I have to admit I'm scared.
     
    I tend to underestimate myself... which makes it quite difficult to promote yourself on a CV when you're looking for a job. More so if you're a foreigner "from the East", self-conscious of your accent, vocabulary and lately as I've found out even grammar. I've studied or used English for over 18 years now, have an Advanced certificate from Cambridge yet I make basic mistakes when I speak without any preparation and my active vocabulary is much smaller than the passive one. How will I look at a hypothetical interview? I don't want to wait tables or do jobs "East Europeans" usually do when they are in the "West". I have two or three university degrees and two years of work experience after all. (I've been mostly free-lancing the years before.) Yet it might be not enough. Hell I'm not sure I would find a good job here now. So how can I be success in London?
     
    I know I have some time still. And I know I can work on my English and not procrastinate writing non-sense blogs. But when I'm scared I won't be success, I tend to shuffle around, assessing the risks, thinking of how to do this to be perfect (yeah, I'm a perfectionist ) and I stall. I stall and think of what could turn bad, which usually means I discourage myself from doing it. But moving to London is not a thing I can run away from.
     
    My boyfriend has been a massive help. He revamped my CV, he's basically the one who is looking for job opportunities for me and I love him terribly for what he does. It's just I'm scared people in UK won't understand me, or I won't understand them; that I won't be able to find a decent job which will complicate our settling down; that if I find a job I wouldn't be able to adapt to the work pace in London or they I will fail miserably,... I guess I could go on. But I'm also super-excited about moving in with the love of my life, sharing finally our lives together, discovering a new place, country, culture, and way of life... I'm leaving my country, my home, everything I knew and learnt in past 28 years, and I'm exchanging it for something new, exciting and challenging.
     
    And now I feel like some attention seeker.

  10. paya
    Don't get too excited, no hidden kids, no porn movies on the Internet that would come back to bite me in the ass.
     
    Only some recent things that happened lead me to rethink my priorities. 1) The approaching deadlines made me realize that I can't live two or three lives at once. For the last year, I've been a full-time employee, a doctoral student in my main studies and a postgraduate student in another studies for which I already paid a lot of money on school fees - bear in mind we don't pay tuition on public schools yet. On top of that I was a full time boyfriend and I started living on my own on full throttle (meaning I bough a washing machine and cut the last rope that tied me to the Mama Hotel). I also returned to regular working out trainings and of course, I have to have some time to stop and relax.
     
    Well, nothing goes as you wish. Human body has its limits and when you reach them, you have to stop and relax (so that's the Life No.7 I think). Soon I realized I'm in no way capable of going to the gym after work that became more and more exhausting and stressful (there goes Life No. 6). Though, those are the easy solutions. Then there are other decisions, that take a lot of time to mull over and digest. Until last semester, except a few slips, I was always an excellent student, never failing - only when I lost interest, motivation and the drive to get there using the momentum I had gained before. Last semester I had to bitterly accept that I'm not able to finish my second postgraduate studies successfully. I failed two thirds of the final exams because I managed to prepare/study only for one third (from which I got an A). My perfectionism and my time management - well me, I screwed up. I found out that I'm great in making time schedules, plans and all that stuff but I can't stick to them. Working full time, two schools and spending my free time with my boyfriend (being finally really happy, for the first time in my life:wub:), something was bound to get lost from my attention. Work and the doctoral stipend supplying some money, boyfriend supplying mental stability... my interest in the postgraduate studies (that suffered a lot when I realized I'm not going to go that career path in my life) just got lost. I still had the momentum though... And I ran out of it last semester. So after finals A, F, F, I swore to myself to find the rests of my willpower and finish everything for the second (and the last) try. Well, the deadline for handing out the thesis is on Tuesday and I'm still only half way through. Moreover, until Monday I have to handout my opinion papers on the final BA theses I had to review on my doctorate studies and I had promised to correct the seminar papers by Monday too. Then I'm really LATE with my article with which I've been fighting for years and if I don't get a promise of publishing by Septermber, my doctoral studies are finished too. And now add to this mess stressful problems at work (on which I'm not going to elaborate because it would just piss me off again).
     
    So I guess it's time to lose some burdens of my past. I'm seriously considering cutting my other postgraduate studies off, finishing two final steps before a second degree... I'm also forming back-up plans (mainly financial) if I lost the doctoral stipend with my doctoral studies gone... and I'm seriously hoping the situation at work works out tomorrow (I'm expecting a very unpleasant meeting) because if they also cut my salary, my life won't be so pleasant.
     
    It's really hard you know... getting from an excellent student to a loser who won't finish the finals... But all my life, I've been doing things others expected me to do, no, things others expected me to excel in. Even if it was my decision to start the second studies - and there was time I was seriously considering to found my living on them... I should have stopped them the minute I lost the interest. But that would be something nobody would expect of me. And I didn't know how to say NO. Today, during a confrontation at work, I learnt that. Suddenly, I just knew that it was something I didn't want to do. And I said no. I don't know if it was wise or dangerous or whatever, but I said no and tomorrow I'm going to stand my case. Even if I'm willing to help, everything has its limits and my friendliness just reached mine.
     
    Kudos to anyone who reached this far All this blabbering, a mix of my school and work problems, it's not easy to read and understand. In short, I'm considering dropping all my studies and devote all my time to my career, earning money and being awfully rich. I have my life and I'm going to live it.
     

  11. paya
    OK, Austin Butler is a freak! And I don't mean that teen star of various teen films. I mean the guy who asked all the people from GA to become his friends over Facebook.
     
    Well, I spent all day asking people who this guy is. Apparently, if I used wiki or google first, I'd learn about the true Austin Butler. So I denied his request and reported his profile as fake. What is disappointing and why I'm writing this blog is how many people just mindlessly clicked to accept this freak's request. And I mean people like Jamessavik, Mark Arbour, benji, Nephy, Tiger, Lugh and many others! I understand you use Facebook differently than me. You don't have any personal info on there (hell, Mark Arbour could be the biggest fake of them all! ) or if you do, you share it with strangers recklessly. The fact that somebody comes from GA doesn't mean he's a good person! And by accepting their requests on Facebook you link them to ALL your friends and their privacy. Now some people don't mention where they come from even here! Hell, I don't say it to everyone even if I give away much more info nowadays than I used to when I joined GA. And by clicking on that accept you shield them, give them more legitimacy! If "name" is friends with them, they must be OK/safe/nice/whatever!
     
    I use my Facebook account differently. I keep contacts with people I met, knew or I care for. It's my personal profile. Under no curcumstances I let freaks to my personal information. But if you let these people among your friends, you give away info about me and all other people you have among your friends. I know that I can restrict the info I share with people on FB strictly to just my friends and I do. But I don't like the idea that others who have FB mainly to play Farmville, Mafia Wars and whatever else put in unnecessary danger me or other people that share with them their personal profiles.
     
     
    So I want to appeal to all of you to consider if you know the people who are asking you to become friends! Not everyone who just filled in some registration form at GA is a friend! There are people who got their flats totally burgled, there are people who dig for any personal info to sell, in short, internet is not safe! You don't tell the personal info about yourself or your friends to total strangers on the street so please don't do that on Facebook either!
     
     
     
    P.S. I was told a "freak" is a too strong expression. So those of you who feel offended by it (and I used it only on fake Austin Butler) substitute it with a "weirdo".
     
     

  12. paya
    This was a really interesting year. Last year, just right before Christmas, I told my sister that she might not have a sister-in-law but a brother-in law... After Christmas I told my Mum as well. Since then the number of people I came out to expanded to nice round 10. These people form sort of my "inner circle", some gyrate closer to me, some further, but they are nevertheless my close friends. How was a year out? I tried to come with one adjective - the most appropriate would be "eye-opening". I slightly touched the local gay "pop-culture", the "meat market", I even spent a night in a hotel owned by gays and I saw their darkroom . I found out that there are many gays in the city, and I got to realize that they are all the same as "straight" people. Maybe more vain.
     
    But I can't be so negative. Everyone knows that I met here the love of my life, my SUPERLATIVE boyfriend about whom I tend to brag endlessly, so I have to control myself. Moreover, he's coming over tomorrow and he will be mine for almost two weeks! That's almost an eternity in a long-distance relationship.
     
    Apart of my personal life, I also found my first real job, considered quitting my Ph.D. and then reconsidered, met new people and expanded my horizons towards economy and accounting and I already have plans for future development... shortly it was not only one year out, but also one year in the middle of work, school, travel and LOVE
     
     
     
     
    I wish all of you who read this blog MERRY CHRISTMAS and a happy, successful, loving and placid new year 2011. Hopefully the new decade will bring us more happiness than the last one.
     

     
     
  13. paya

    Losing peers

    By paya,

    Long time no read, eh? Well, no news to talk about, really... though... latest developments have forced me to write a new post today.
     
    One of the ways how to measure you're old is that you start losing your peers. Instead of meeting in the pub at some get-together you meet at the funerals... Or that at the get-togethers you're not gossiping about those who didn't come because as we say "only good about the deceased".
  16. paya

    Paya in Westmoreland

    By paya,

    Sometimes people do strange things. For example they travel accross the continent to meet a person they have never met before... yet a person they know so much. When I started writing this, I was on my way to the airport, scared shitless... There was no reason for it but that doesn't mean I can't stress myself out, right?
  17. paya

    Pride

    By paya,

    Every time I start thinking that I live in a country or area that is civilized, occidental and cultured, every time I lose my wariness, something happens to remind me of true nature of people living here. Everyone here knows what is US Bible belt, everyone knows film studios like BelAmi or Eurocreme showing the Western customers the paradise of living here...
     
    OK. There was a pride parade planned for today in Bratislava, the capital of Slovakia (and as I've heard actual seat of BelAmi ). Slovakia was to join Czech Republic, Poland and Hungary where in various cities (not in Prague, but in Warsaw, Budapest, Brno and Tabor) during the years 2008-2009 similar initiatives took place. EVERY one of them witnessed counter-demonstrations and disturbances and none of them was finished properly, as it was planned before. All the parades were attacked by extreme-right wing supporters, neo-nazis, catholic ultra-clericals, and many other various groups. And when I'm talking about attacks, I mean tear gas thrown into the crowd of people (where even small kids and pregnant mothers stood) or disrupting the announced trace of the parade where the police weren't able to secure peaceful passage! The people were having fun chasing the participants of the parades, throwing stuff whatever they found at them or, if it was the case of peaceful demonstration against GLBT, then they held posters and banners with signs that were anti-gay, against gay-marriage and adoptions, demanding neutering of gays, etc.
     
    It really makes me sad. Our streets are full of cars that are the same as in Germany, France or the US. The companies employing people here are the same. In Slovakia they even pay with euro. We watch the same shows on TV as do Americans, British, Germans... Yet is impossible to hold a parade - that would NOT be anything like Pride parades that are full of naked or almost naked people pretending to have sex or whatever people think. In Slovakia, one of the smaller parties that is in government demanded that the Parade is canceled because people will show their genitals there... The pics can show more than words:
     

     
    "Emasculate the queers!"
     

     
    "For the traditional family!!! Against the deviation!!!" + web link to "Our Slovakia"
     

     
    "Stop the freaks!"
     
    Not even an open support of the embassies of Denmark, Finland, Ireland, Netherlands, Norway, Sweden, UK, Canada, Germany and USA to the Bratislava Rainbow Day Parade, as it was officially named, was enough for the state/government/police of whoever has it as their job to secure the peaceful running of the event. It's a shame this could happen only few days after Portugal definitely approved gay marriages or Denmark passed law against sexual discrimination in the adoption process.
  18. paya

    They know...

    By paya,

    Being in a relationship has some positive impacts on me... for example I feel more secure, so I resumed my coming out. Today it was my best friend, first straight male I came out to - telling him I have a boyfriend.
  19. paya

    From me to you...

    By paya,

    Awesome song, right?
     
    So I officially have a man. A man of my life. And we got to the first fight. Well, I wouldn't call it like that but the making up was just un-f*cking-believable! The problem was - as in any relationship at its beginning - that we get to know each other better and better and this time we got further than anyone else. We got to my tenderest spot, my second biggest fear after the death. And I freaked out. We ended up both hurting, mainly from hurting the other one, but the damage was done and couldn't be taken back. Nevertheless we talked it over on the spot and my man now knows practically every secret of my life. For the first time in a long time I feel liberated. I finally found someone I could share my life with. It's a really comforting feeling and I love him for that.
  20. paya

    You've got mail.

    By paya,

    An old and very romantic film, starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. Our "great" translators when making the dubbing renamed it to our language as "Love via Internet". I don't know why they did that but it's not the first nor the last weird translation they've made.
     
    Anyway... it got me thinking. It got me thinking if it is possible to do it. To start and to keep a relationship via Internet. Horrible things go around about relationships on distance. But I really hope it is possible, at least for now. Because I might have found the One. Though being over 1100 miles apart means we won't meet each other that quickly. So yeah... I'll try my best and I know he will too.
     
    And please don't ask for any details, I won't tell. I just wanted somebody to know, because I'm a selfish prick and I want to shout it out to the world. I'm afraid of using the L word but I like him a lot. And I'm thinking of him all the time and I hope venting it this way it will stop! I need to focus on my work! So yeah...
  21. paya
    No, I'm not going to post a lecture on honesty, nor any other virtue of a noble gentleman.
     
    I came across a very interesting chart:
     

     
    And with all due respect to the ideas of socialism and welfare state that we all enjoy as members of the Western civilization, I'd like to point out, that in 1938 Czechoslovakia was at the same economical level as Austria and Finland (and e.g. better than Italy). What followed was the 1938-1945 Nazi rule - and despite that we were the first country from the above mentioned states where the industry overcame the agriculture in 1940 (when there was no Czechoslovakia at all but a small protectorate under the Nazi rule).
     
    Then came more than 40 years (1948-1989) of the communist experiments and "building of socialism" (which we solemnly declared reaching in 1960) and "marching to the communism". Because of these "happy years" of the socialist and communist rule Czechoslovakia managed to almost double its economical performance in 50 years! Isn't it great?
     
    I know that between the A (1938) and B (1990), there are many variables that interfered and that from this one chart one should not jump to any fast conclusions (as "socialism sucks and should be erased from the surface of the Earth" ). But all of you who are supporters of socialism and socialist ideas (and I hope you're not offended by this chart or blog), be honest and tell me, how my country benefited from those 40 years of attempting at reaching socialism (communism).
     
    It's hard to do "ifs" but every now and then when I see some benchmarking chart of the economical level of various countries or their development I always have to think "what if the Americans didn't stop where they agreed with the Soviets and reached Prague one day before them (as they would have if...)? What if we had become some central European version of Finland or Austria?
     
    This is my Spring Anthology. "Vote the communists? I'd never do that."
     

     
     
  22. paya
    Well... when I first started to write this blog, it was meant to show you that even if I live in a paradise full of hotties going at it in front of the camera of apparently two most popular twink gay porn studios in the U.S., it doesn't have to mean that gay life here is that easy.
     
    I continue in my coming out spree. I came out to one of my close friends last Sunday - and it went well. She sort of thought it. Obviously one can see that on me. That freaked me out. I'm not prepared to be fully out to everyone. I felt everyone looking at me that evening. Every smile they cast on me was meaning "I know you're a fag." It wasn't really comfortable. Moreover, my friend told me that my former roommate was scared (or afraid) of me, because he thought I was gay. Correction: On Monday I talked with her again and she told me he search threw my laptop and found some... ummm compromising materials
  23. paya

    Writing out my obsession

    By paya,

    I hate my works. I have to write an article on a topic I'm doing my research, it's based on my Master thesis that was highly praised, I have all the good cards in my hands but I still can't get myself to finish it. I gave myself a deadline for today to help it. But I can't even look at it, nor read it, or even more, fill in the last blank places.
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