New Kid In School - 36. Chapter 35: "Push Forward, Pull Back"

I fell asleep next to the phone, hoping to hear Ryan's call and pick up the phone on the first ring. It probably wouldn't have come until late, when his dad was knocked out for the night and out of our hair. But when my eyes opened up to see the morning sunshine coming through my window, I knew that it was a call that he wasn't able to make. For the life of me, I can't understand why Ryan's dad has to be so 'ashamed' of his son being happy. I mean, he was in love, I was in love, we were taking care of one another like nobody else ever could...where was the big offense in all that? If I was a GIRL, there wouldn't be anything a well meaning sex talk couldn't handle. And not just a loving or particularly caring girl either, I'm talking about someone who mistreated and used Ryan every minute of the day too. No biggie. Even if I was some cold hearted bitch and had him totally whipped, following me around like a dog on a leash and stealing away his free will...it would just be 'a part of life'. If I was a girl breaking his heart and playing head games with him and screwing him under the bleachers at school...it would just be a 'consequence in the war of love'. But let two boys try to express a true love between each other in private, and all of the sudden the heterosexual world goes ballistic. We have sex! So what? It's like...leave us alone! We're being exclusive, we're being discreet, and we're sharing an emotion that we don't ask or even EXPECT anybody else to understand. So why should we be ashamed?

I know what's going to happen. Ryan will get hurt, his dad is probably going to make him feel guilty and he's going to have to maintain this uncomfortable 'straight boy' act, this mask that he's gotten so tired of wearing around people when it comes to the two of us. Before you know it, me and him are going to find ourselves being suffocated by our own feelings and sneaking around town to share even the most innocent of kisses like a drug dealer with a fresh shipment of cocaine. It's just not fair. Unfortunately....this is one of those things where the people 'running the show' get to stand up and say, "I don't care."

I got dressed for school and grabbed an apple out of the fridge for a quick breakfast. I didn't need much, I planned to feed off of my emtions for a while instead. My mom had the day off, so she was sleeping in. Probably the best sleep she had experienced in the last few months from the looks of it. I could faintly hear her tv on in her bedroom, showing whatever early pop soap opera was on at the time. And over the sounds of their scandalous conversations, was my mother's heavy breathing, craddling her in a peaceful sleep that she didn't want to break away from. I kept quiet and went out of the back door to head out to school. Somehow, I didn't think Ryan would be joining me this morning.

As I came around to the front of the house, I caught a glimpse of a well dressed Tyler leaning tenderly against a tree. Obviously waiting for his sweet prince to come by and share another few moments alone with him as they walked together. I smiled in his direction and just waved as I continued walking down the street. He waved back, probably surprised that I didn't make a single comment or tease him with so much as a cheeky grin. Truth be told, I wasn't really in the mood to take any cheap shots that morning...even if it WAS fun on occassion. If anything, I wished I could have traded places with him at that moment. Still being in a new and budding relationship...where hiding what you felt and what you did was more 'exciting' than it was a 'burden'. More 'passionate' than 'bothersome'. I had to admit, I think I had more fun when it was just the two of us, Ryan and me, without needing the acceptance or approval of anyone. When we didn't have these complications of who liked who and what we could and could not say in front of certain people that knew our secret. I remember the fun we had, trying to keep everything under wraps, going to hotels, ducking behind tvs, and sneaking little hints into our conversation. Back then, the most important thing was that Ryan knew I loved him with all my heart, and I knew that he loved me with all of his. It seemed so simple. But now? Now I don't know. It's like...the mystery and adventure of it all has transformed into a series of brick walls that other people are constantly trying to close in on us. Trying to contain what we feel, trying to limit what we do so that we can always feel somewhat wrong about what we were doing. It's like the whole world is terrified that if we stop being mortified and aren't constantly reminded of how unforgivably 'unnatural' we are...we might actually come to realize that us loving each other is no different then straight people loving each other. I don't see too many guidelines where THEIR relationships are involved. I don't see THEM shying away frm each other because they're afraid of the opposite sex fantasizing about them. I don't see there being any 'huge controversy' about THEIR sexuality being presented and promoted openly in tv and movies and music. I don't see any outrageous claims of how dangerous and sick it is for THEM to have promiscuous relationships and conversations about how'd they like to fuck everything in the room. So it all drains down into the gutter where they keep us little gay boys, trying relentlessly to get us to give up our attractions, stop being difficult, and just do what everybody else is doing. I just wish we could be in the majority...just for one day. I'd love for them to get a glimpse of how it feels to be the 'other species'.

Ryan didn't catch up with me until we were both at school, which isn't the best place to talk about something like this. But he didn't seem too phased by the whole thing, and was pretty normal throughout the whole class period. Smiles and all. Maybe the argument wasn't that big afterall? Who knows?

Once the bell rang, it was the first question out of my mouth. "Well...what happened? Are you grounded or anything?"

"Nah. No punishment whatsoever, actually." Ryan grinned.

"Really? I...I have to admit that I'm a bit surprised. You're taking all of this awfully well."

"Well...you know, something weird happened last night. It really kinda surprised me too, but it's a good feeling, you know?"

He was just smiling and looking a bit spaced out. I gave him a strange look and said, "Ohhhh...I get it. He hit you in the head with something, and you're crazy now. Right?"

"Better." He said. "I just...I stopped caring."

I could feel another strange look wrinkle up my brow and didn't exactly know what he was thinking. "Um...stopped caring?"

"Just stopped caring."

"About...WHAT, exactly?"

"About everything." He sighed. "Randy, he was yelling at me, and we kinda had a falling out over the whole thing...which sucked big time, believe me. But...as the argument went on, it was like he was trying to find these weird excuses as to why it was so wrong and how disappointed in me he was and about a billion other things to keep from saying 'it's because you're gay'. You know? Then...all of the sudden, it just 'clicked'. I just looked at him, and thought about you, and realize that I wanted him to be happy, and I wanted you to be happy...but above ALL of that...*I* wanted to be happy. ME. And suddenly, all of the other bullshit just got pushed aside and I saw a clear path ahead of me." He looked back at me, his eyes slightly obscured in the corners by his shiny strawberry blond locks, "...and that path led straight to you."

"To me?" I had to make sure if I was getting what he was saying. I mean, this wasn't just love...this was the possible sacrifice of something that I'd never ask him to give up for me. His relationship with his father.

"To you. You're what I want. God, it's so clear. It's always been clear. Dude...it's so weird, but everything melted away all of the sudden, and I realized something. That, if anything, my DAD should be the one trying to struggle to change in order to accept ME! Not the other way around. I'm already spoken for, I am who I am and that's all there is to it. It's like...I didn't choose my sexuality, but HE chooses whether or not he accepts me for it. So HE'S the one that's got to meet me halfway. I'm not changing anything. I like who I am, and I am SO lucky that I get to be with someone who likes who I am too."

"Wow...um...congrats, I think." I smiled. Didn't expect him to have this sudden revelation, but it was so sweet to see him happy. "I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Randy. And I'm not giving that up just because somebody ELSE doesn't want to deal with it." And for that one endless moment, we had almost forgotten that we were still in public. But, the strange thing was...we both noticed it at the same time, and I was the only one who straightened up my 'act'. His eyes glistened intensely, and I saw something in their reflection that I hadn't really seen before. I can't put my finger on it, but it was determined, and almost frghtening in its defiance of the people around us. Then...he blinked slowly, and put his hand out on my shoulder. almost by the base of my neck. His voice tingling with a passionate haze, he quietly said, "I'll see you later, ok? Nothing's changed."

"Um...k. Sure, it's a plan." I mumbled before he walked up the stairs to his next class. Still thinking about how...foreign....he seemed to me just a second ago. It wasn't a bad thing at all. Just..different, I suppose. I didn't know what to think, but luckily Tyler came along to break my concentration.

"Dude, I need you." He said, breath heavy and looking a bit twitchy.

"For what?"

"Come on, I need to talk to you for a second. Privately."

"Ty...I've got to get to class. I already ditched yesterday, and if I come in late today Mrs. Lipman is going to make an example of me something fierce..." But Tyler was already dragging me to our hidden little bathroom down the hall. He sucked me in through the door and did a quick check of the whole place. "Dude...what the heck is this all about?"

"Problem...k...BIG problem!" Tyler was went from being completely white as a sheet, to a deep blush, and then back again.

"What's the matter?" I said, his worrysome tremors getting more and more contagious by the second.

"It's Ariel!" He whispered loudly.

"Ariel? What about him? Dude, is he ok???"

"He's fine....but....b-b-but...." Tyler couldn't spit it out, not even with my anxious gestures trying to help him get the words out into the open air where I could hear them. Then...he swallowed hard and said, "...He wants to come over!"

I looked at Tyler, wondering if there was more, but evidently...THAT was the big emergency. Tyler just stood there, wondering why I wasn't as panicked and catatonic as he was. "That's it?"

"What do you MEAN is that it??? Dude! What the fuck am I going to do here?"

"Um...hey, I've got an idea. Why don't you just...invite him over?"

Tyler's face changed almost instantly, and he rolled his eyes. "Oh I see...you're being funny. You pick a great time to be funny, Randy..."

"WHO'S being funny? Tyler...he wants to come over..." I paused for a second, but Tyler still looked a bit lost. "You WANT him to come over, right?"

He leaned back up against the wall, releasing a hearty sigh while closing his eyes defeatedly. "Sighhhh....I don't know what I want, dude. I just...I don't think I really planned for this."

"Well, I mean you guys are practically 'dating', you're good friends, we all hang out all the time...he was going to want to come over eventually. I don't see why you would feel the need to go into cardiac arrest over it."

"I don't know if I'm ready for this..."

"Ready for what? He's just coming to visit, and you guys will have a chance to talk to each other alone for a change. I mean...I hardly think he's going to wear his 'rip-away' male stripper costume and break out the leather S&M mask!" I was hoping to get Tyler to laugh at the image, but the thought of any kind of sexual interlude with his new dream boy, seemed to only break him out in a nervous sweat. He was putting an incredible amount of pressure on himself these days. "Ty...look, man...it's not a bad thing. Really. Invite him over, put on some cds, watch a movie on the couch...maybe you could just sit down on the floor and...'talk', you know? You don't neccessarily have to be some great big cassanova and sweep him into some taudry act of passion. Just be 'you'. That'll be more than enough to impress him, I guarantee you."

I don't think it was calming Tyler's nerves at all. "Everything was going so good, Randy. Everything was just...it was perfect. Now what am I going to do?"

"I don't understand why this is such a big..."

He stopped me in mid sentence, "I'm gonna get hurt again. That's why."

A silence covered the room, and it was broken by the sound of the bell ringing. Meaning I was going to be late, yet again. "Tyler...what makes you think that you're going to get hurt?"

"Because I ALWAYS get hurt. ALWAYS." His eyes tightened up, and he looked like he was almost ready to cry, lightly banging the back of his head against the wall as he slumped down a bit lower. "This is so STUPID! I was fine, and now it's all going to get screwed up, I know it. I just know it." He slid all the way down to the floor and just put hi elbows up on his knees, his head down in frustration. He wasn't crying, just sad. Actually sad.

I knelt down next to him and put my back pack on the floor. "Dude, you're not going to screw anything up by moving forward another step towards being happy. Things are supposed to grow and progress and bring you together. I mean...you said you were in love, and I think that's awesome. But, don't you want to talk to him? Maybe even...tell him how you feel about him? Don't you wanna, I dunno, be together? Like...TOGETHER together?" I asked.

"Of COURSE I do." He answered, his head still down and his light blond hair cascading down over his folded arms.

"So what's with all the panic attacks?"

"Dude...I was just...I was enjoying being in love. Just....being in love. That's the best part." He lifted his head, eyes still closed, and continued, "But now he wants to come over, and sooner or later I'm going to do or say something wrong, or I'm not going to be good enough, or he's going to find someone else to love...anything short of me getting hit by a bolt of lightning. And believe me, I haven't neccessarily ruled that out as a possibility yet, either."

"So you're just not going to do anything?" I asked.

"No. I don't WANT to do anything, don't you get it? Right now, everything is cool. It's safe. It's like, I can be happy all day long, and so can he. And I love it. No pressure, no pain, no jealousy, no..."

"...committment?" I added.

"Whatever, man. I just don't want things moving too fast and getting all out of whack like they always do."

"It sounds more like you don't want things to move at ALL."

"So what? Maybe I don't. Maybe it's better that way. All I know is, I'm not ready to risk living through that pain again right now. Not now." I was searching for the words, trying to find the right combination of phrases and annecdotes that would somehow weave around his defenses and let him know that it was ok to try again. To make him believe that things would be different this time. The only problem was...I didn't really know for sure if I could make him that promise. I didn't know for sure that this time would be for real, that this time would be forever. I wish I could. DAMN how I wish I could. But no matter how strongly I believed in Tyler and Ariel having a chance at being perfect together...a 100% fool proof guarantee was nowhere in sight.

Before I could say another word, one of the study hall teachers came in to use the bathroom, and saw us on the floor in the corner. "Excuse me. What are you two doing in here?"

"Just talking, we're leaving." Tyler replied, slowly rising to his feet.

"This isn't overwith. We'll talk later, ok?" I said.

"Don't bother." He replied.

"Dude, c'mon...." I started, but we were interrupted, yet again.

"Unless you both have hall passes, I suggest you get back to your classes immediately." The man said. Geez! Didn't he have some 'business' to take care of in here that didn't involve butting into our conversation?

"I'm out of here." And with that, Tyler slumped his bag over his shoulder and walked out. I followed him out, but he made it subtley clear that he didn't want to talk about it anymore. He simply charged off, and I decided to back off a little so he could deal with whatever he had going on inside. Tyler has been through ups and downs ever since we first met, and it was just a piece of his personality that I had gotten used to. But I have to admit, I don't think I've ever seen him this emotionally confused before. Not with anybody. But I guess nobody really jumps into love they way they used to before the first time they got hurt. After having your heart broken...it hardens, just a little. And you long for that feeling again, but you also get scared of it. Terrified, even. If a dog bites you two or three times on random occassions, I guess it makes sense to keep your guard up around it at all times from then on...no matter HOW safe people tell you it is. I think Tyler has been bitten enough to want to cross the street when he sees that dog coming.

Lunch seemed to jump on me all of the sudden, the morning speeding by faster than normal. I hadn't even gotten hungry yet by the time I reached the cafeteria, but decided to just eat anyway. Habit, I suppose. And as always, Cody was shuffling along in line with the others to grab whatever slop they were handing out that day. And on Chicken Parmesan day! Sheesh! He could pull the bark off of a tree and get a better tasting meal. This kid has GOT to learn the valued art of shopping in the A La Carte line. I was going to go over and say hello when I saw a guy bump into him...on purpose. Obviously on purpose.

Cody knew what was going on, but didn't say anything. Instead, he just moved forward and let it slide. Then...the guy bumped him again, and a flurry of giggles quietly swept over the group of two or three friends that he had with him. Cody turned around and said, "I take it that you want my attention?" He said calmly.

The other guy, who was probably an inch or two bigger than Cody was, just grinned, "I don't need anything from you, fag boy." And his friends couldn't help but snicker a bit louder this time. Asshole!

"Fag boy? Ahhh, ok. Yeah, that's...that's really original. I'm glad I didn't miss that." And Cody turned back around again as though it hadn't happened.

"Fucking fags, man..." The boy mumbled under his breath, just loud enough for Cody to hear. This time, Cody didn't let it slide. Instead, he looked over his shoulder with a puzzled look, ready to play a little game with his new 'friends'.

"You wanna WHAT?" Cody said. "What did you say?"

"Huh?"

"Did you just say that you wanted to eat my ASS??? DUDE...that's just...that's just sick! I mean...I don't even KNOW you!" A look of surprise came over his friends' faces, and he didn't exactly know what was going on here. The boy couldn't think of anything to say, but that didn't stop Cody from going on, "No, I'm not going to 'settle for a French kiss', what are you doing? Dude, can you...like...back up a step or two and quit coming on to me?" Cody embellished a bit more, his voice getting louder with every comment. And THAT began to attract the attention of the other kids in line. Once they began turning around to see what was going on, Cody got even worse. "What makes you think I'm going to let you suck me off just because you ask me? Huh?" The other kids in line started to laugh, a little at first, and then louder as Cody gave a flawless performance.

The larger guy turned red instantly, his joke now backfiring horribly. You could see the anger building in his eyes, and he nervously grinned to let everyone know that Cody was making the whole thing up. But Cody never cracked a smile. That only made the boy even more furious. "What the fuck are you talking about??? SHUT UP!!!" He moved forward to grab a hold of Cody, but Cody moved back a step, putting both hands in the air.

"NO! I don't WANT your phone number! Keep your dirty little fantasies to yourself, man. I'm not into screwing guys like crazy and then keeping it all a 'secret' like you and your friends here." With the tables turned completely, and the other kids watching, the boy was speechless. Unable to find a way out of the embarassing spot he had suddenly been put in. I couldn't help but laugh myself as I watched the master in action. The crowd of kids were joining in on the joke, laughing even harder as the other boy fought through his instant shame to bring his anger to the surface.

His hand moved in a flash and brutally knocked Cody's tray over onto the floor, his food splattering everywhere, the noise loud enough to silence the heckling of the crowd almost instantly. Everything became serious for a moment, and the two boys stared each other in the eyes, daring the other to move first. "You know..." Cody started, that same fearless sarcasm creeping into his voice, "..the SMART thing would have been to wait until I actually paid for my lunch. See...that way I'd have to buy another one, and that wouldn't have been so...pointless." Cody turned to get himself a fresh tray of food.

Instead of taking it any further, which I was totally expecting the other boy to do, he just gathered his little posse of friends and walked away. Supposedly saving themselves some face before Cody made an even bigger spectacle of them. "Hey...watch your back, pretty boy." The boy said, backing out of the line.

"Yeah...okaaay!" Cody replied with a big retarded smile and using his fingers to make a crooked 'OK' sign. It was awesome, and I smiled with a certain admiration of how he handled himself. It could have been a lot worse.

I walked over to Cody and put a hand on his shoulder. "Not bad for a new kid. Not bad at all." I said.

"Who? THAT guy? Please." Cody replied, filling his new tray back up with food. "Besides, people like that have to be dealt with right away. If I let him think for one second that he's got me backed into a corner, it'll be open season on me for him AND his goons."

"I see..." I said, then grinned, "...You know...that guy could have beaten the living shit out of you, right?"

"Most definitely. But thankfully HE doesn't know that." And he smiled. Cody actually 'smiled'. From what I've seen, he doesn't do that too much, so it's an experience to see a genuine curl of his lips once in a while. "Besides, all he wanted was to get an audience. So...I gave him one."

"Well, bravo. I'm impressed."

"Thank you, my good man. But it really is too bad, you know? He was kinda cute. The fight might have been worth it, just to have him on top of me for a few minutes."

We walked out into the lunchroom, and I guess I was expecting him to turn me down for lunch like always. We were talking, but as we walked amongst the many tables in the cafeteria, we began to split up into two different paths. We stopped for a moment, and Cody actually broke down for a second. "Hey, Randy...come here for a sec." He took me over to a table that was empty except for one young lady sitting as close to the wall as possible. She had her hair dyed black, the locks hanging just low enough to cover her ears and curtain the edges of her eyes. And she was wearing a thin grey sweater that looked a few sizes too big for her. And yet...looked extremely comfortable on her. She had on a pair of jeans, and was walking that gentle line between being 'girly' and being a 'tomboy'. She looked up as we came over, and her eyes were identical to Cody's brilliance in every way. Only with a slightly softer gaze in them. "Randy, this is my sister, Ronnie. Ronnie, this is the kid I told you about."

"The freaky stalker kid?" She said.

"Yeah...the freaky stalker kid." Cody replied with a look. Well, at least I know they share the same conversational arsenic.

"Great. Nice to meet you, Randy." She said without any emotion at all. "I take it you're going off to eat lunch elsewhere then? If so, let me know and I'll go to the library."

"I'm just going over to say hello for a few minutes, that's all. You know...MEET more people? Kinda like you should be."

"What for? I know you and I know Sean. What do I need more people for? I'm not starting a basketball team here." She said, but Cody was already gently pushing me away from the table, signalling me to start walking.

"Sean doesn't count anymore, and you might try getting to know a girl or two, Veronica. Slumber parties and tickle fights and whatever else it is you do." Ronnie gave him the finger, but Cody was already backing away. "I'll be back in a minute or two, promise. In the meantime...smile a little, huh? Give your frown a rest." And he left his tray there to come by our table and say hello.

Ryan and Tyler were already there waiting on me, and I was hoping that Tyler had stiffened up a bit since we talked earlier. He was really shaken, and although he was acting pretty normal, there were traces of it left behind. This would probably one of those lunch periods where he kept quiet most of the time. When I approached the table, they were both a bit surprised to see me bringing someone with me. "Sup guys?" I said, and Cody spoke up on his own.

"Hi. Cody Monreau." He said, extending a hand.

"I'm Ryan, and this is Tyler. Go ahead, grab a seat man." He said.

"I can't stay for too long. My sister...she and I usually eat together. So I gotta kinda keep up the habit." Cody sat down and joined us, but I could feel a silence come over the table. It was our usual defense against 'other people' who didn't know that we were of the gay species and weren't tobe given any hints. For once, there wasn't any need for that.

"Oh...he's the one that I said could 'tell'...you know...about me." I said to Ryan.

"OH! Cody...ok." Ryan replied. "So you can pick Randy out of a line up of straight guys, huh?"

"Yeah. I mean it's not like he's wishy washy or anything, but you can tell. Kinda like blondie over here." Cody said, pointing to Tyler. Making his eyes pop open and drop his food off of the end of his fork. "Oh...I'm sorry. I really shouldn't do that. Don't sweat it, I'm actually pretty discreet, believe it or not."

Ryan smiled wide and his interest was raised. "Damn...just think, Randy. Our own little spy, right here at our table. That is so cool."

"How the hell did you know? I mean, how do you DO that?" Tyler asked. "Is it that 'gaydar' thing?"

"Yeah. It's hard to explain really, but if you look for the right signs, you can just guess. I mean, I'm not 100% accurate or anything, but it gets better with some practice."

"If gaydar is real, then mine is broken. I guess I'll just have to play the guessing game from now on." Tyler said.

Cody brushed some of his hair off of his forehead, "Well...it's not really all that hard to do when you think about it. I mean, it's not really an external thing. Don't think about them, think about you."

"Think about me?" I asked.

"Yeah. You're gay, right? I mean you already know what you do to hide it, what you do to express interest in a safe manner, how you look at other boys...the whole nine yards. Well, what makes you think any other gay boy would be different? Bottom line, if you know yourself, you'll know them too." Cody looked around the cafeteria, "Ok...time for a demonstration."

Ryan perked up. "Sweet! This I've gotta see."

"Ok, you see that guy right there? The beauty with the nice ass?" Cody hinted at a boy, tall, very good looking, brown hair with light brown eyes. And he was right...he DID have a nice ass. "Alright, now he's what most gay guys would consider a hottie, right?"

"Definitely." I answered with a leery smile.

"Good. Now...he's walking through the cafeteria, our first instinct is to turn and stare. We may not be madly in love with him or anything, but we know a sweet piece of meat when we see it. So we look whenever he walks by. And since his butt is REALLY making those pants look tasty, that's the first place your eyes are going to wander to once you get past those bright eyes of his. Right?"

Tyler was listening intensely, as though he were studying Cody's method for a final exam. "So...he's gay?" He asked.

"Him? Oh, I don't know." Cody replied. "But don't worry, it's not him we're after. He's just the 'bait'." Cody followed the boy with his eyes, "There! Gotchya, sweet thang." He said confidently. "The boy in the white t-shirt, over by the window."

We all focused our attention on him at once, and Ryan asked, "Jason? Are you sure? Dude, he's got a girlfriend."

"Yeah, and Michael Jackson's been married twice. What's your point? I'm telling you, the girl is a cover."

"How do you know? I mean, maybe he just looked at him because he knows him from somewhere, or something." I added.

"Because he didn't just 'look'...he was staring. His eyes went straight from the face, and then slid down to the belt buckle and then the ass. But he's really secretive about it, so I'm guessing he's too deep in the closet to fully admit it just yet. I'm sure the girlfriend helps to keep things 'straight' though, if you get me." Cody turned back around to face us, "Most people aren't even looking when our attention gets kidnapped by a cute boy walking past, but if you take the time to notice it, you'll be able to easily see who's looking and who isn't. See what I mean? Know what YOU would do in a certain situation, and see if they do the same. Simple."

Ryan grinned, "Amazing. You just might be on to something there."

"Well, like I said, nothing is 100% accurate. Everybody is different, afterall. But you'll see how certain people act around a pretty face, or get quiet when everybody is talking about girls, or how they react to a gay joke...stuff like that. Eye contact too. Eye contact is a big thing. If someone is staring you in the eye for longer than seems necessary, chances are that they're attracted to something in you. You'll get a feel for it after some time." Cody replied.

"You know, you could charge for lessons if you wanted to. Maybe you should set up a little sign up sheet for gaydar tutoring." I smiled, and then I saw Cody's attention grabbed by something I evidently hadn't seen yet. And he didn't seem all the happy about it.

Cody sighed to himself, a look of frustration sweeping across his once smiling face. "Sigh...something wicked this way comes..." He mumbled, rolling his eyes.

When I looked in the direction of his sudden discomfort, I was unprepared to see yet another new face in our cafeteria. Something I know DAMN WELL I would have recognized instantly if I had ever laid eyes on it before that very moment. He was about our height and build from the look of him, but with a slightly confident curve to his hips, adding to the nobility of his walk. The only existent flaw in his creamy smooth skin, were two tiny beauty marks on the side of his neck. Small brown discs that probably wouldn't even be visible were it not for the perfection of the rest of him. His hair was angelically touched with the golden splendor of the sun's rays, the shine of it almost giving the illusion of a halo around his head. He was wearing a black visor over his brow, with the locks of gold sprouting out of the top, curving and cascading back down to his temples. His lips were blushed a deep red, full and soft, freshly licked without a crack or dry spot on them. And his eyes, a light shade of blue that almost seemed to glow in the dark. He was breathtaking to say the least...but anyone that could possibly get to Cody so quickly, especially after the manuever that I had seen him pull off not long ago in the lunchline, must be hiding something unbelievably wicked under all that delicious candy.

It's not often that I heard the lunch room actually drop it's noise level down a decible or two for one person's presence...but this boy was definitely a walking event in our little world. Even Ryan and Tyler stopped their thoughts cold to take a gander at him. What made it even more unbelievable, is he walked by our table and spoke. "So the invinceable Cody Monreau still exists." He smiled.

I think it took us all a moment to think about him and Cody actually 'knowing' one another, but Cody's defenses shot up quickly, hardening his armor, and he replied, "Gee...me, living without you. I can't figure out why God would make something like THAT possible."

"Ouch...I see you're keeping your tongue sharpened." The boy smiled, his lips maintaining their kissable charm, and looked over at the rest of us. "My goodness. There's an awful 'choice' crop of teeny boppers at this table, isn't there?" And his sexual essence fell over all of us like a thick fog as his gaze intensified a bit. His voice coated with a flirtatious texture. "Cody...aren't you going to introduce us?"

"You mean you haven't fucked 'em yet?" He grumbled, but after another bothersome sigh, Cody responded, "This is Sean. My wonderful EX."

"Ex-boyfriend." Sean said with a sly grin in Ryan's direction, making sure we knew his 'preference'. So this is the boy Cody was talking about. I think the three of us were a bit caught up with the idea of this miraculously beautiful boy, and the undeniable cuteness of Cody...'together'. Actually 'together'. Now there's something I wish I had on video, even if it was only a nice long kiss.

"He's my ex-everything, believe me." Cody was definitely not enjoying the idea of Sean being there, and he was clearly not joking around about it. Then again, from what he told me about his boyfriend at the bus stop the first day I met him...I can assume that they didn't part on the best of terms.

Sean was evidently familiar with Cody's defenses, because they didn't really seem to phase him at all. He didn't even flinch. Still, he knew a disruption when he felt one. "And on that note, I think I'll get back to my lunch..."

"Don't bother, I'm leaving." Cody scooted back and got to his feet. "I'll see you guys around. Later." And Cody gave Sean a look in the eye to get him to step aside. Again, Sean never lost the shine in his smile, and simply leaned slowly to one side so Cody could pass. It was odd, extremely odd, but you could almost see a certain chemistry between the two of them. Even if it was a highly explosive reaction. Despite an obvious conflict with one another, the sparks continued to burn bright enough to be visible to the rest of us. The two of them must have had some wild times together, I'm willing to bet on it.

"I certainly hope to see you again sometime." Sean's voice slipped down into a sensual tone that you could feel in our stomach, and with the most wicked of grins, he slid right back into his walk, and went to eat outside. Ryan looked over at me, his eyes wide and sparkling with a smile all their own, and he snickered a bit at the situation. We didn't really know what to say, and Tyler was still a little too lost in his own worries to think twice about it.

"He's cute!" Ryan giggled out loud.

My mouth dropped open and I looked over at Ryan with shock. "SHUT UP!!!"

"WHAT? He IS! He's fucking HOT, dude!" Ryan giggled.

"Aw dude..." I searched for words and couldn't find any. "...you suck! You know that?"

"I didn't say he was hotter than you, I said he was hot." But he saw me pouting playfully through a grin. "Randy...Randyyyyyyy..."

"What?" He reached over to touch my arm and I pulled it away, trying to keep a straight face. "WHAT? No...you can't just touch my arm...what's that about? No..."

"Randy...?"

"What?"

"Look at me."

"Why?"

"LOOK at me, hehehe! C'mon." Ryan softened his voice, knowing I would melt into any form he wanted me to after that. I rolled my eyes a bit before looking into his bright hazel specs. "I love you." He smiled, and then said, "But he's STILL hot as hell!" And even Tyler had to laugh.

"Sorry Randy, but he's right. The kid's a definite ten." Tyler smiled.

"C'mon, admit it. You'd do him." Ryan could already tell what I was thinking ahead of time, he knew me better than anyone.

"That's not the point..." I started, but Ryan pointed at me and laughed.

"A-HA! Ok then! Case closed, jury dismissed!" Ryan was satisfied and went right back to lunch. Hehehe, bastard. But what else could I say, Sean was one of those boys you may only see once in your lifetime, and think about him years later as that one hot kid that you wish you could have had. The one kid that Cody DID have! Wow...I still can't get over that. Cody got to touch, love, lick, taste, and suck every inch of him. Mmmm...love or no love...that couldn't have been anything less than a religious experience. If THAT didn't work out, then I can see why Cody would take it as a pretty hard fall from what was definitely the 'top of the mountain' in the boyfriend department. I looked over to see him eating with his sister, going on as though nothing had happened. Not meeting us, not Sean's appearance, not the altercation in the lunchline...none of it. It was like he had pushed it all back into his memory and started a whole new, fresh, clean slate every few minutes. I still say that it's weird for someone I don't even really know all that well, and had only met DAYS ago, could intrigue me so much. The more Cody tried to deflect my friendly gestures, the more I was pulled in to try again. And any kind of acceptance that I could get from him was more than enough to make it worthwhile. We'll have to ask him to hang out with us some time, he seems to fit into the puzzle that is our little circle of friends.

By the end of the day, I felt mentally 'drained' from a particularly difficult History test. One of those that makes your head hurt afterwards because you've been struggling to pull up facts that you skipped over to study the bigger concepts in your book. My teacher was one for little details...I should have known better. Zombie-fied, I walked to my locker at the last bell and then met up with Ryan to go home together. I was hoping he didn't think I was too spaced out that afternoon, but he didn't seem to mind me being quiet. Then...while waiting on a street corner for the traffic light to change...call it a 'teenage hormone' moment in time, but I looked over at Ryan and felt a sexual pulse run through me out of nowhere. It wasn't a lustful, 'I've gotta have you right here in the bushes' kind of thing. No...instead it was this warm explosion of awareness that allowed me to realize that I was standing here with my boyfriend. I mean...he was mine, I was his. It's kind of like someone buying a car for the first time and taking a few weeks to really believe that it's theirs. Hard to explain. It just suddenly seemed so amazing, such an impossible concept, that this didn't even feel like MY life anymore. Like I was watching this all on a movie screen. Or perhaps dreaming it all, waiting for the alarm clock to wake me up and send me back to a world much mor believable.

I just looked at him for a moment, and I smiled to myself with a confusing, yet pleasant, feeling of completion. I had kissed those lips, I had held the sensitive tips of his nipples between my teeth, I had traced my finger slowly down the indentation leading from his chest down to the shallow depths of his navel...it was hard to believe. I had pressed my lips against the smooth skin on his neck, I had cupped and squeezed and caressed the softness of his globes, I had tasted the bitter sweet flavor of his thighs, closer and closer to the point where they joined together, and sprouted the sweetest fruit. I don't know what it was, but it truly left me with a sensation that tingled from head to toe. And I found myself just staring at the way his clothes hung on him, the way the skin on his arms shined with the faintest traces of silken hair, and the way his lips seemed to move with such a delicate nature while he was speaking. Even when he smiled. Earlier that day, I couldn't have even BEGUN to imagine what it would have been like to be Cody and sleep with one of the hottest boys that has ever been born. But now...now I think I know. And I'm damn lucky.

We got outside of my house, and I turned to go inside. But Ryan kept walking as though he expected me to follow him down the street to his house instead. Normally...I would have. "Oh...you're going home?" He asked.

"Hehehe, yeah. I think I should. I'm feeling a little frisky today." I grinned, trying not to let this new emotion absorb me completely in it's embrace.

"And this is a BAD thing?" He walked over to lightly take a hold of my arm, "Come on over. You can be frisky all you want. You're cute when you're frisky."

But I pulled back a bit. "No, that's alright babe. Really. Maybe tomorrow, k?"

"Well, what if I'M feeling frisky? Huh? Then what?"

"Then jack it off and take a nap. Hehehe, just make sure you're thinking of me." I said.

Ryan moved a bit closer, looking around to make sure our neighbors weren't looking. But for some reason, whatever it was that I was feeling was making me hold back. Happily. It was as if I didn't need to 'have' him...I just wanted to look. Look and stare in wonder at everything that he was to me, the lonely boy who once thought he'd be alone forever. Then Ryan got a bit more serious, and his right hand landed gently on my left hip. His touch was perfectly balanced, low enough on my hip to be intimate, but high up enough to not give away his desire for me at that moment. "You know...the house really is empty. No interruptions or worries or anything. I mean...I meant what I said earlier today, and if this has anything to do with my dad..."

"No. No, it doesn't. Really. I guess...I just really want to love what we have outside of the sex today. It seriously is a mind rush sometimes, you know?" I said, and Ryan looked at me, his eyes beaming with such a radiance that it became hard for me to even breathe, much less speak. Then he leaned forward, in broad daylight, and placed a boyish kiss on my cheek.

Then he whispered, "Yeah...I know." He hoisted his bag on his shoulder, and smiled at me as he got ready to go home. "I'll call you later tonight, ok? Love you."

"I love you more." I replied, and went in the house. Not having had a single sexual encounter with my 'hotter than hot' boyfriend...and yet feeling just as satisfied. If not more so. It wasn't as powerful, or as explosive, nor did it have the immediate gratification of an orgasm...but it kept my whole body alive with a sprinkling of affection and passion combined. My arms felt light, my head spinning, my cheeks bunched up with a wide grin. I swear, there's nothing better than that. Nothing.

I went inside, and made the decision to skip the homework for tonight. My head needed a rest. But before the night was over, I had to make it my number one priority to call Ariel on the phone and find out how this little 'visit' with Tyler is looking like from HIS point of view. I can't imagine Ariel being strategic about it and planning some kind of ploy to seduce him or anything, but something tells me that he's not going to be half as terrified of this meeting as Tyler is. Bashful, yes...nervous, definitely...but I have the feeling that he's willing to push forward for something a little extra this time around. And that's not usually Ariel's style at all. I certainly hope our antics aren't causing his shy guy image to fade away. Hehehe, we're corrupting him already. Only time will tell. I'll call a bit later, but for now...I just want to enjoy this moment of happiness. That floating feeling you only get when you're truly in love, and don't take t for granted. I want to live like this for the rest of my life. Sigh...for the rest of my life.