New Kid In School - 20. Chapter 20 Part 1: 20th Anniversary!!

Nothing has ever defined the words 'defeat', 'pain', 'regret', and 'discomfort' as my father's presence. They were words that I had forgotten with time, and Ryan's love had all but erased them from my life in the short time that we have been together. But seeing him standing there, arms outstretched in my mother's house...brought those words and many more back into my world and he shattered any sense of hope that I had for moving forward without him in my life. "What...what are you doing here?"

He stood there, still holding his arms out and beckoning me to come closer. I noticed a slightly worried look on my mother's face and she could obviously tell that I just wasn't happy to see him. My dad, attempting to be fatherly for a change, chuckled a little and said, "Look at this, the boy turns 16 today and he thinks he's too old to hug his old man anymore! He he he!"

"I turned 16 DAYS ago Dad. You're a little late." I didn't exactly know what was going through my mind at that moment, but something inside of me just snapped. It had been five years for crying out loud. Sure he called two or three times a year, and maybe sent me some money for my birthdays and Christmas when he remembered, but that was it. I got no love from the man at all, and after seeing him standing there in what I claimed to be 'my' house, I had no love to give him either. He walked out on us, on me, and decided that this wasn't where he wanted to be. So why come back? He made his decision, he has to live with it, because the truth of the matter was, he just didn't belong here anymore.

My father was quiet after my comment and with a smile that was getting more fake by the second, he beckoned me over again. I looked over his shoulder to see my mother give me a nod, like I should at least pretend to be somewhat happy to see him. I reluctantly walked over and gave him the hug he seemed to be begging for. It was by far the most emotionless hug I had ever given to anybody, I'd been more affectionate with a dog. "Well, stand back and let me get a look at you. Yep, that's my little Randall junior." He said, noting our name, the only thing we had connecting us anymore. "Well...don't just stand there, sit down and tell me how you've been."

"I've been fine. Thanks for caring. Hey mom, I just came back to get some posters, I'll be back later." I said, trying my best to get away from the whole situation. I think even she was shocked by my obvious display of rudeness, but since I've experienced the meaning and blessings of true love...I just didn't have time for cheap imitations anymore.

"Randy..." My father said, his tone of voice changing slightly. "...I drove a long way to be here with you tonight. You mean to tell me you're just going to turn your back on me and walk away?"

"Yeah, I guess it's a bad habit I picked up from somewhere." I said. I looked into his eyes, and regretted it the second the words left my mouth. His face hardened right in front of my eyes and he gave me a harsh look that told me right then and there that I had crossed the line and was in dangerous territory now. I wish I had the courage to yell at him, to stand up to him and make him feel the same pain that I felt all those years when this teenage boy needed a man in the house and he couldn't be bothered. But something subconscious played on my instincts and I heeded the warning signal of his eyes. It was something deep inside of me that remembered every beating he ever gave me that made me back down and almost run cowering behind my mother. But if I remember correctly, he would gladly mow her down too to get a chance to get his hands on me. I felt my safety fade away in my own house, and a fear took over that was almost as bad as my fathers heavy handed smacks. But he seemed to relax and regain some self control, and I began to wonder how long it would last. I turned to my mother, who was evidently as worried as I was about keeping the peace between us, and said, "Alright...but I've gotta call the guys and tell them I won't be coming back tonight. I suppose I could stay a while." I hated to do it, but it would be a small sacrifice to make him feel like he's being a good parent for a few hours so his ego would fill up and he could get the hell out of my life again. I made the phone call, sat down in the living room with him and tried to explain to him what I had been up to for the last half decade that he's been gone. It's funny, but I seemed to sum up the whole thing in less than three minutes, and I had nothing else to say. He asked questions, some of them annoying, some downright vulgar. I can't believe he asked me if I was a virgin in front of my mother like that. He kept calling me 'junior' and patting my head or slugging me in the arm, trying to get a rise out of me. He HAD to know it wasn't working. If I never saw him again after that day, I would die a happy man.

My dad was staying in a hotel not far from town, and he 'told' me all the things we were going to do together while he was in town. It was only gonna be a few days, but it was going to be a few days too many if you ask me. We attempted to eat a family dinner, but not much was said by either one of us. He wanted it to be like the old days again, but it was far from it. I stayed, not because I loved him, not because I wanted to fuel this fantasy that I really give a damn, but because I was still scared of him. And deep down, I think my mom was too. He gave us both our share of bruises, inside and out, physical and mental, and we didn't need to bring it out of him again. It was like holding a match inches away from a stick of dynamite with a very short fuse. Sure, we might accidently light it and get away before it goes off, but what if we didn't? What if it blew up before we got to safety and it killed us both? It was a risk we weren't willing to take.

At one point during dinner, the subject of girls came up and I played the good little heterosexual soldier for a few minutes. That's when my mom brought up the hickey. That blasted thing has caused me more stress than it was worth! My dad practically cheered for me and socked me in the arm, a little harder than I expected, making my arm sore. "What's the matter Randy, can't take a punch?" He grinned.

"I haven't had too many people throwing them my way lately. I guess I'm out of practice." I mumbled, but a look from my mom across the table told me not to go any further with that comment for both our sakes. So I buried my face back into my dinner plate and didn't persue the insult. But my dad kept asking questions about it, and he was bugging me to tell where I got it. I wasn't going to get any help from my mom, afterall, she wanted to know just as badly. I kept saying that it was private and trying to change the subject, but it wasn't going to be that easy. Finally, the doorbell rang and I was saved. I got up to answer it, and to my surprise it was Ryan. I don't know what it was, but I wasn't really happy to see him right then. For some reason, something inside of me said that Ryan and my dad wouldn't be a good meeting at all. I was almost scared, nervous to the point of shaking. I could feel Ryan walking into possible danger that I couldn't protect him from, and it terrified me. Of course my dad wouldn't lay a hand on him, and Ryan certainly wouldn't be one to provoke an argument of any kind, but something told me to shelter him, to hold him and keep him safe from this whole part of my life. I loved him more than I loved myself, and the thought of anything as simple as a comment hurting his feelings would hurt me beyond belief, for the simple reason that I was powerless to stop it from happenening.

"Hey dude, I just stopped by to see if you wanted to give me those posters. I'll take them back tonight and we can hang them together tomorrow. Besides, you're taste is better than mine." Then a smirk came over his face and he leaned in closer to whisper, "And if it's one thing I know about, it's your taste." Normally I would have blushed, grinned, and giggled right along with him, but at that moment it was hard to work up a smile. Just then, my dad walked around the corner to see who was at the door. He caught Ryan a little off guard, but he quickly recovered. Ryan shyly, but politely said hello and my dad told him to come on in. I introduced them, feeling those butterflies in my stomach go wild, and the two of them shook hands. I watched every move extremely close. If my dad had squeezed Ryan's hand any harder, I swore I'd get a butcher knife out of the kitchen and kill my father where he stood. They were both being friendly as they could be, but my hands were ready, I was preparing to strike out at any minute if he had the balls to pose even the tiniest threat to my beautiful Ryan. It was a tense few minutes, but I finally couldn't take anymore and told Ryan to follow me upstairs. If I tensed up any more I was liable to pop like a rubberband.

We walked up the steps and into my room where I closed the door. "What's the matter with you tonight dude, you're acting all weird?" He said, that glorious smile freeing me from the fear inducing prison my dad's presence had built around me.

"Look, just don't ask why for now, but you have to go. Okay? Please?" I pleaded with him. He gave me a strange look, and I know I must have sounded like a raving lunatic, but I felt so helpless against my dad that the very notion of him doing anything to my boyfriend, this beautiful teen angel, wouldn't go away. And there would be nothing I could do, nothing anybody could do. He seriously asked me if I was okay and his concern for me only made me want to protect him more. I was almost to the point of tears, and did everything but get down on my knees and beg him to go. He didn't understand it at all, but he took the posters and agreed to go. But before we could get to the door, my dad was right there asking questions again.

"Say chief, do you know anything about this little woman putting her mark on my little boy here?" He said grinning and mussing my hair while I attempted to secretly pull away from him.

Ryan looked over at me and smiled slyly, "Yeah, I've got a pretty good idea where he got it." I nearly wet myself! Ryan and I could play these little risky mind games with my mom, or with the kids at school, but my father was NOT the one to be doing this with! "But I can't tell ya. He made me promise."

"Now there's a good buddy. You see? There's only two things you need in life Junior, that's "T" and "A"!" The very idea of him talking this way in front of teenagers, in front of my mother for goodness sake, disgusted me. I flashed Ryan another look, once again asking him to leave. But my dad stopped him again, "So, you look like a little heartbreaker...probably got vixens lining up around the block. How many girlfriends do you have? Four? Five?" My dad asked, putting a hand on Ryan's shoulder. He was touching him! He put one of those heavy hands on Ryan's shoulder, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. PLEASE....Oh God, PLEASE just leave him alone! Let him go you son of a bitch! I was trying to keep from tearing up, Ryan had no idea who he was talking to, who he was playing around with.

"Actually sir, I don't have a girlfriend." Ryan said shyly, then he looked over at me and saw my discomfort. His face changed from a shy grin to one of deep concern. It looked like he didn't want to leave. Like he could see something was bothering me and he wanted so badly to help me through it, but I guess he chose to go instead.

But not before my father replied, "No girlfriend? Say, you're not broken are you boy?"

"Wha...what?" He asked.

"You know, broken. You're not one of those pole smoking queers are ya? You better get you a girlfriend fast before the fags come and round you up buddy." And my dad actually thought he was being funny. Ryan smiled weakly, but I could tell that he took a little offense to the insult. He had hurt him! He hurt Ryan's feelings! Oh this can't be happening! I basically walked over and pushed Ryan out of the door, refusing to let this go on anymore.

My dad asked me what I did that for, but I just walked past him and said, "Can we just finish having dinner please?" And I sat down at the table again.

My dad joined us, but again, he refused to let anything go. "I'm just saying, that any boy that nice looking without a girlfriend has got to be some kind of fag or something. You should look for these things Randy, you can't always tell those homos from the normal people these days."

My mother spoke up and said, "Geez Randall, leave that poor kid alone. That's Randy's best friend in the world."

"I know that, but you've got to admit it's a bit strange." I was becoming more and more nervous the further this conversation went on. Why couldn't this whole situation just disappear? How can one man screw up so much of my life in a single evening? "Randy, you should look for signs man. I mean it. Next thing you know he'll be pushing all your other friends aside and he'll be wanting to give you hickeys too. That's all those homos think about is sex, you might have to stop being so buddy buddy with this kid if that's what it means." Yeah, whatever you say 'Dad'. Like that's ever gonna happen. I didn't say a word, but it was the next comment frm my mother that changed things for me completely and sent shivers down my spine like I've never known.

"Don't be silly Randall. Afterall the two are inseperable, Ryan's the ony other person Randy...ever...hangs out with..." Then she trailed off. And the table got quiet, forcing my eyes to lift up from the plate. She was staring at me, not so much angry or upset or sad, but far from happy. It was as if she had come to the realization that Ryan and I WERE rather close, even for best friends. Like she had suddenly thought back to the hickey, to the time she almost caught us kissing, to the afternoons when we ran over to his house for a wild time, to Ryan's playful kiss in the kitchen, to my black eye, to our weekend getaway, to the time Ryan had to hide behind the television to hide his cum soaked face, it was like she had suddenly remembered it all and was quickly putting two and two together. I tried to avoid her eyes by all means necessary, trying to avoid confirming her ideas about our relationship in any way, but I could feel her eyes watching me still. I could barely hide my feelings from the kids at school, how long did I expect to fool my own mother? My father didn't notice anything wrong, and continued shoveling food into his face, but an uncomfortable silence fell between me and my mom, and I wondered if she knew. If she actually had figured it out, and knew the whole story. My dad said the food was delicious, but had to call my mom's name twice before being able to get her attention. Then she thanked him for the compliment, but she was clearly focused on other things. Then she stood up, and nervously started cleaning the dishes off of the table.

"I...I've...got to wash the dishes." She said quietly, and she was fidgeting a little and I thought for sure she knew, even if she didn't say anything. I could've cried right there, thinking that my lifestyle may have in some way hurt her feelings, or her pride, or made her doubt herself as a parent, or any one of the other billion things that could possibly be going through her mind right now. I didn't know what to do, what to say, I just wanted this whole night to just go away. I wanted it to be over with, go to bed, and hopefully wake up and have everybody forget everything that happened. It was just too much for me to handle.

Finally, after basically turning my entire world upside down in a matter of hours, my dad got ready to pack up his shit and go back to the hotel. I thought that maybe I could get some peace, but before leaving he mussed my hair and said he had plans for us to go out after school tomorrow. Great, more forced time with dear old dad. No thank you. He left with a wide grin, and that was that. What I wouldn't have given to just have him walk out on us again like he did so many years ago, and this time, he could stay gone. I turned to say something to my mom, but she was gone. Already back in the kitchen, scrubbing dishes. She didn't say a word. I tried to ignore it, tried to deny it, but deep down I knew something was wrong, and even deeper than that was the realization that for the first time in her life, she suspected her only son of being gay. That feeling was the most horrifying sensation I have ever felt in my life, and with no idea of what to say to her, I walked quietly back to my room and shut the door, not coming out again until the next morning.

Breakfast the next morning was just as awkward for the both of us. I was hoping that some of last night would have died down by the next morning, but it hadn't. Instead of yapping away about this and that, she was nervous, soft spoken, and quiet. It hurt me so much to try and figure out what she was thinking about me. Did she hate me? Was she disappointed in me? Was she disgusted with me? Does she think she failed me? The questions ran through my mind all through breakfast, and in her emotionless face I found no answers. I was more than happy to get away and go to school that day.

Ryan met me by the locker, smiling happily as usual, but for some reason I didn't feel that joy that often accompanied any site of my beautiful lover. I didn't experience that uplifting spirit, that warm and gentle glow. That day, all I felt was fear, and paranoia, and a strange sense of dettachment. I opened my locker and went through the usual morning ritual, but as Ryan talked to me I suddenly became aware of everyone around me. People walked past us, some said hello, some just looked, others didn't even do that much. But I could feel their eyes on me, on us. It was as if EVERYONE knew, as if they could tell exactly how I felt about Ryan and how he felt about me. It seemed like every grin, every giggle, every secret passed between them in the hallway was about us, locked away in some basement making mad passionate love to each other day after day. I have always felt comfortable loving Ryan before, but I had never even considered the risk of exposure before, I was too busy being in love. I use to tell myself that it didn't matter, that love was stronger than fear, stronger than judgement, stronger than all of society combined. But now I was starting to doubt that idea. I was starting to doubt MYSELF. And as I watched so many hundreds of high school kids pass us in that hallway, I began to wonder if they all knew, if they had known all along and were laughing at me behind my back. I'd rather have them call me a fag to my face then walk past me time and time again, smug faces, noses in the air, smiling in my face when they know this, the deepest of all my secrets. Dammit, where did I give myself away?

"...Helloooo...Earth to Randy?" Ryan said, grabbing my attention. I didn't even know how long he had been talking, I was too busy eyeing the other kids around me. "What's the mater with you all of a sudden? You've got like this weird body snatcher thing going."

"I...I'm sorry man. Just stuff on my mind I guess."

"So what do you think about this afternoon?"

"Huh...what?" I said, realizing I had missed a giant chunk of the whole conversation.

"About Ariel coming with us to the arcade, dude! Are you even paying attention to me?" Ryan giggled. "I thought it would be cool for him to hang out with us a little bit. So I was going to ask him to come on by and join us today. It might do him some good to get out and pal around with rest of us so he won't be so shy all the time."

"Um...yeah, sure. Sounds good. I'll see you after school okay? I've gotta get to first period."

Ryan gave me a really strange look, "Randy...we have the same class. Dude...listen, are you sure you're okay? Please talk to me, you're not acting like yourself today." I was able to convince him that I was fine, but the truth was, I wasn't fine. For the first time since he had walked into my life on that rainy day in March, I felt like I might have gotten TOO close to Ryan. I felt like everything in my life had become so tightly wrapped around my teen angel that it had consumed me. I loved him so much that it was causing me to overflow with emotion, visibly obvious, where everyone could see it. It was a neon glow that I just couldn't contain anymore, and I thought that maybe I should pull back from him. Just a little bit, nothing major, and just around school. And maybe the arcade. And around my parents. That would be it, just a little, just so I could have some time to think more clearly. And I did, for the whole day, every time Ryan smiled or winked at me, I turned my head. When he tried to get my attention, I pretended not to see it. I didn't want to hurt him in any way, but I just had to do this, for the both of us. We needed our privacy for right now. We were in high school, reputations mean EVERYTHING here! And they follow you through all four years, and out in the work world, and in the street, and at the ten year reunion, the twenty year reunion, the fifty year reunion, and so on and so on. It was simply a battle I didn't want to fight at the time.

When lunch time rolled around, Ryan seemed to be watching me closely. Scoping me out. He wasn't just smiling innocently anymore, or giving me a confused look, he was worried, and he was looking to see exactly what my malfunction was. "Randy?"

"Yeah?" I said, knowing what he was about to ask, and it hurt me to hear him say it out loud.

"Did...I do something...wrong?" I looked up into his beautiful eyes and I could feel him nervously anticipating the answer. Geez, how could I hurt something so adorable? I never meant to imply that it was his fault, I just wanted to make sure that we could always be together without the watchful eye of judgement looming over us all the time. That's all.

I smiled accross the table at him and said, "Don't worry Ryan, you could never do anything wrong." He sighed and smiled back at me, his eyes bashfully looking down to the table. Seeing Ryan blush was just so cute, because you never really knew when it was coming. I loved him so much, I just wanted so badly to be closer to him more and more every single day.

Tyler and Sam surprised us by walking up to the table laughing about something. Then Sam says, "Look out Ty, they're having another one of their 'moments'!" I guess it was my turn to blush at that point. Since they didn't take off their jackets, we assumed that they were going to be eating out for lunch again. It seems like they never eat with us anymore, and yet they always made it a point to come see us everyday before they left. Maybe it was because I knew the whole story, maybe because I knew them both so well now, but I looked up at Tyler and Sam and I saw a reflection of that glow. I saw them standing 'too close' together, or smiling at each other 'too much', or making 'too much' eye contact, and I wondered if Ryan and I were the same way. It was almost like the two of them just LOOKED gay, and I almost got nervous having them stand so close to my table when me and Ryan were sitting together. What was wrong with me all of the sudden??? First I move away from my boyfriend and now I'm ashamed to be seen with my best friends in the whole world? Why was this happening?

I tried to concentrate, to put on a smile and act normal, but I couldn't lose that strange feeling that somebody...EVERYBODY...was watching us. Sam and Tyler chit chatted with us for a short while and then split to go to some fast food pizza plce not far from school. The two of them seemed so happy, like they didn't care who saw them together, and at that moment I began to envy them. Ryan and I used to be like that, and we used to laugh like that, and stare like that...what's changed? I got a shaky feeling in my stomach and Ryan had almost gone back to watching me and asking questions, when Matt came running hurriedly up to the table.

"Huff..huff...you guys didn't see Sam and Tyler, did you?" Matt panted.

Ryan said, "Yeah, they left about five minutes ago to go to the pizza place around the corner. Where have you been?"

"I TOLD them to wait! What the fuck?" Matt said, ignoring the question and looking a bit frustrated about the whole thing. "I can't believe they couldn't wait for just a few more minutes. I bet if it was TYLER, Sam would have waited a bit longer." He said. Matt slouched down a little bit and we could instantly tell that he was anything but happy. We were silent for a second, but looking over at Matt, it was like we could almost feel him being really hurt or something. I know that he and Sam had been quite an item for a while before they met any of us, but Matt seems to have disappeared from that perfect 3-way picture since Tyler joined them. It was odd, Matt was hardly the type to really sulk over anything. I mean, if had an ounce of self pity in him, he hid it well. But now he seemed defeated...almost jealous.

"Are you okay Matt? I mean you could eat with us if you want. It wouldn't be so terrible, you know." I said, hoping to cheer him up a little bit. Besides, it would be better to have three of us at the table. Three guys is considered 'hanging out', but two guys is questionably a 'couple'.

"I'm fine, Randy. That's alright, you two just go on and finish lunch. I'm gonna eat out." He said getting up. Funny how slouching over in his chair for a few moments helped him to catch his breath.

"Yeah, they're just around the corner dude. You can still catch them." Ryan said, shoving some of his sandwich into his mouth.

"I don't even want to catch them. Fuck 'em. If they can't wait a few minutes for me to get here, then they obviously don't want me there." He said. Ryan and I looked at each other briefly, and that's when we knew that something was REALLY not right.

"Matt...if you want to talk about it later on or something..." I said, but Matt was already shaking his head and walking away from the table. He had gotten a few steps away from us, when he turned around slowly and asked, "Did they even ask if you had seen me?" He looked like he was so empty, but thinking back to the whole time that Tyler and Sam were chatting with us, they never mentioned Matt. Not once. It wasn't like they didn't care, it just never came up I guess. It hurt us to say it, and before I answered, Ryan looked up at me and told me with his eyes that he was saying the same thing. I shook my head slowly, and Matt nodded his head as if to say 'I thought not'. Then he just turned and walked off. Trouble in paradise? We were hoping not, but the signs were starting to show more and more every day.

We sat there for a few minutes without saying a word to each other, that's when Ryan finally got fed up and pushed his tray forward, leaning back in a huff. "Alright Randy...TALK to me! What's the matter with you? You act like you don't even want to be here with me!" His voice was a bit louder then I normally found comfortable, and it didn't help the paranoia in my mind any.

"Ryan...look, can't we just talk about this later?"

"No we can't talk about this later. I wanna know what's bugging you all of the sudden. Everything was so cool until yesterday, and now you're being all weird." Ryan's eyes softened a bit, and his voice sounded a bit shaky. He leaned closer compassionately and looked up at me with those glorious hazel eyes, pleading for an answer. "Randy, pleeeaase. If I did something, let me know. If I hurt you in any way, I'm sorry. Is it me, is it your dad, is it Tyler, is it Ariel...tell me something. I love you."

I couldn't believe he said it! He SAID it! In a normal speaking voice! In a lunchroom FULL of people!!! ANYBODY walking by could have heard him! I was trapped. I felt so incredibly torn, between my undying love for my boyfriend, the cutest and most loving boy on Earth, and my life as I knew it. And I do mean my entire life. They say that the person doesn't change when you come out, but how did I know that was true? And if it was, how did I know I wasn't going to be the first? How many of these kids would turn their back on me? How many would beat the shit out of me, or tease me, or leave gay pictures on my locker, or do something to Ryan? There were guys who were already jealous of Ryan's good looks and charm, he was stealing hearts left and right, they'd be sure to jump on the chance to ruin his reputation for good. I wanted to pull away, I wanted to get up walk away from it all, but I knew that anything that hurt Ryan would hurt me a hundred times more. I got choked up, I didn't know what to say or to do, but I just let my emotions run things for a few seconds, putting my heart one step in front of my common sense. "It's NOT you Ryan. Please believe that. I'll tell you all about it later on today, okay? I promise."

Ryan reached under the table, never once looking over his shoulder to see who was watching, and took my hand in his. I loved him so much, but he had no idea what he was doing to me at that moment. The torment of choosing between being with him and being 'outed' was more than I could possibly bare. "Then say it Randy. Just one time, say you love me and I'll believe you."

Why was he insisting on this?!?! We were in PUBLIC for fuck's sake! "Ryan...."

"Just one time Randy. Please. I need this."

The look in his eyes was so amazing, so strong, and a fear swept over me that I couldn't put into words. It was almost an ultimatum. Choose. Choose dammit! Choose RYAN...Geez what was I waiting for? This is what I want, it's all I've EVER wanted. CHOOSE!!! Say the words and live happily ever after with the beautiful strawberry blond teeny bopper sitting across the table from you, you idiot! I tried...I tried with all my might to get those damn words to come out of my mouth. But I couldn't say it, I couldn't! The sheer terror was just too strong and it strangled me with a vice like grip that wouldn't let go! He saw how much trouble I was having, and gripped my hand harder, as though he was trying to give me some of his strength, some of his courage, and he was waiting for it, looking almost as nervous as I was. His eyes were trying to pull it out of me, trying to draw the lovely words out of my mouth. But it seems as though when I needed to say the words the most...my breath left me.

Ariel had finally gotten his lunch and was walking over to our table. Ryan knew he was coming, and usually the presence of anyone coming our way would prompt us to return to normal, which I did on reflex. But Ryan didn't do it this time. He kept his eyes locked on me, his hand keeping a firm grip on mine, and he basically gave me a look that said he didn't care who was coming over, he wanted to hear me say the words out loud before we lost this moment in time. But when Ariel got close to the table and sat down, I had to back off. I pulled my hand back, gently at first, but Ryan held on and it took a little bit more force to dettach myself from him. And when I had fully pulled free of him, his face became sullen and sad, as though I had ripped his heart out of his chest and stomped on it. Ariel sat down, still kinda quiet from the day before, and the tension at the table got so thick that it was hard to breathe. Ryan was visibly still hurting about what happened, and after a few more moments of silence, he looked like he was about to burst into tears. He quickly stood up and said, "I'll be back...I've gotta go to the bathroom real quick." God...what the fuck was I doing to him? He had given me so much, and all he asked in return was for me to repeat the same three words that I had said to him a zillion times before. I felt a sting of pain in my heart as I saw Ryan walk away from us and out of the cafeteria. I was such an asshole sometimes. This is stupid! I loved him, I knew it, he knew it, and if everybody else knew it too...would it be so bad? What was the point of bottling this all up inside anyway? I should just tell him. I should just say what I feel in my heart and whatever consequences come our way after that, we could deal with them...together.

"Is he gonna be okay? He looks upset about something." Ariel said. I had almost forgotten he was there.

"He'll be okay. He's just got something on his mind, that's all. He just needs some time alone."

"Sounds to me like he needs his friends." Ariel said. For some reason, it didn't even sound like him at all. It was just something I never expected Ariel to say, ever. He was just so reserved and quiet, that it caught me by surprise. He saw me take a quick look over at him to make sure this was the same Ariel who was constantly running into walls and dropping things in my lap. He suddenly got a little scared and turned his eyes down to his lunch tray. "I'm...I'm sorry. None of my business." He said, his face turning red.

"No, no...dude, you're right. Go on."

"Really?"

"Ariel, you don't have to hold back what's on your mind you know. I respect what you have to say. You can tell me anything."

I saw Ariel's face turn white, and his body started to tremble slightly. It was then that I truly understood what he was going through everyday just by being near me. We had been friends for a short while, but he was still scared to death of me because of the feelings he had inside. At one time I thought it was just his insecurities, low self esteem, or shyness that kept him from saying the words. I thought that he was just making a big deal out of nothing, and that he should just tell me how he felt. But it was that day at lunch, when I pulled away from the most important person in my life, that I realized how terrifying those three words could be, and how hard it is to say when you really mean it. Ryan and I had almost worn the words out, we had said it every single day without much thought or hesitation at all. But, and I'm not saying that we didn't really mean it before, now it had taken on a whole new meaning. We had come a long way since we first met, we had been through so much, break ups, make ups, trials and ordeals, suspicions, good times and bad, and after it all we were still holding hands. I'd walk through hell itself for that boy, and never think twice about who was there to see it. I finally understood that it was just a few minutes ago, sitting at that lunch table, that Ryan had TRULY told me he loved me....for the first time.

"Thank you Ariel...you've done more for me than you know. Thank you." I said, getting up and patting him affectionately on the shoulder. I started to walk away from the table to go find Ryan, but I looked back to see Ariel sitting at the table, all alone, and my heart wouldn't let me do that to him. No matter how used to it the poor kid might be. "Hey Ariel, care to join me dude?"

He looked around, a bit confused at first, but once he understood what I was saying, a huge grin spread across his face and he hopped to his feet. He was ecstatic, he grabbed his bag and walked towards me, leaving his tray and everything on the table. I pointed to the table and he giggled nervously to go back and clean up his stuff. Geez, it made me so happy to make him happy. It was just so cool. Ariel picked up his tray shakily and by the time I had turned around to face the door, I heard a crash come from behind me and I didn't even have to look to know that the contents of his lunch were all over the floor by now. Usually, Ariel starts blushing and apologizing for his little accidents, but this time he hurried past me. "C'mon! Let's go, c'mon!" He giggled happily. I looked at the mess on the floor, and watched as Ariel laughed while speeding away from the scene. I had to grin myself and I ran out of the cafeteria with him. As soon as we reached a safe distance and caught our breaths, I smiled at him and told him to meet us at the arcade after school. He looked like he had just been asked to go to the prom! His beautiful eyes opened wide and he said, "Fuckin' A!!! I'll be there!" Hehehe, funny, I've never heard Ariel really swear before. I think maybe we were a bad influence on him, that's what made having him around so fun.

I saw Ryan again after the next period and he greeted me with the same painful look that he had before. But this time I was full of life, of energy. The hell with the world! It didn't have any meaning without Ryan in it anyway. I threw him a note and arranged a little meeting in our special bathroom down the hall. I went first, and waited for him to follow a few minutes later. When Ryan walked in, he looked as though he had been runover by a truck. To see anything but a smile on my boyfriend's face was a tragedy. But I had good news, and I hoped it would make him feel at least a little bit better. "Ryan, look...I was a jerk earlier, okay? I want to tell you everything, I want to let you know how I feel, but it's not always that easy."

Ryan walked over to me and ran his figers through my hair, "It's not always easy for me either. But you make it less difficult by just being near me. I love you so much Randy. I truly do."

"I love you too Ryan. Just understand that if I pull away from you, it's because I don't ever want anyone to hurt you, or to stand between what we have. I think about the other kids, my family, my mom and dad...and it scares me. I mean, I know you're dad is kinda cool about it, but my mom would flip out. And I just can't do that to her, you know?"

As I talked, Ryan's hand kept slowly massaging my hair, up and down, and then in slow erotic circles. The contact was making me extremely horny, and it forced me to close my eyes, my lips finding their way over to Ryan's wrist, kissing it tenderly. Then Ryan spoke, and his words turned me on even more, his hazy teen voice playing like a soft melody in my ears. "God...you are so beautiful to me Randy." He was tearing up, actually tearing up. He loved me that much, and it made me feel invincible in his eyes. We were both on the verge of crying when we heard voices getting close to the door. We looked down and were both hard as rocks! We quickly turned to the urinals and pretended to be taking a leak to hide our erections, and that's when the door swung open. It was just a few guys horsing around, no doubt coming in for a quick cigarette before class. Ryan and I were trying to get our boners to go down, but everytime I thought of him being close to me, trying to soften up as well, I'd spring to attention again. The other guys in the bathroom were just sitting there, smoking, chatting away about this girl and that one, and taking their own sweet time. Meanwhile, Ryan and I must've looked like we were taking the longest piss in history! We had been standing there so long that we looked at each other and started snickering. We couldn't really hold it in either, and soon we were giggling quietly to ourselves. That's when we heard the room get quiet, and the other guys were staring at us. We forgot...guys don't giggle in public restrooms. It's in the boy's code on the first page for crying out loud. That's when we looked over our shoulders and Ryan says, with a straight face, "What are you homos looking at? We're trying to take a piss here!" I almost burst out into laughter when I heard him reverse the whole situation like that. The only thing funnier than that, is the other guys actually felt insecure about looking, and starting calling each other queers! Ryan and I finally got back to normal and walked out of the bathroom, leaving the small group of guys to argue who was looking and who wasn't.

Ariel must have been waiting outside for a whole hour again, because the second I left my last period class, I saw him standing right there in the doorway, ready to go. He ran off to get his jacket and made me promise three times that I wouldn't leave without him. Then as soon as he was gone, I saw Ryan walking towards me in the hallway. He was happier than he was at lunch, but still not as lovey dovey as he had been before. Tyler and Sam walked by and said they were going to meet us there as soon as they went by Matt's place to get some leftover tokens from the day before. But this time I made sure to give a little helpful hint as to what might be happening here. I didn't want them to make Matt feel left out or anything, because I know what a rotten feeling that is, and I'm sure they weren't doing that on purpose. But at the same time I didn't want to imply that they were up to anything 'wicked' so to speak. "So...what about Matt? Aren't you guys gonna wait for him?"

"I tried to talk to him, but he said he'd just meet us there. Something about finishing some project after school. I hope he's alright, he seemed kinda out of it today. But I already apologized about lunch and he made me promise to buy him some grub from Frankies later." Sam said. I knew it wasn't anything serious. Sam and Tyler were both good guys, it was just that Matt had been busying himself with a lot of extra curricular lately. They'll be fine. They walked off together and Ryan gave me a weird smile.

"What?" I asked.

"My Randy...forever the matchmaker." We grinned at each other for a second before Ariel came sliding into the locker next to me. He had been running a bit faster than he thought and when he couldn't stop he hit the locker with a loud clang. He kept his balance though and giggled sheepishly before blushing that oh so cute shade of pink. Ryan just shook his head and said, "Well, now that the gang's all here, lt's roll."

We drove out to the arcade, and you would have thought that Ariel was a brand new puppy as excited as he was. He was practically bouncing up and down on the seat, speaking at a hundred miles a minute, and talking loud enough for us to actually hear every single word he said. He actually had a really cute voice, but it would squeak every now and then when at full volume. His enthusiasm about being with us kept us amused the entire trip and I think it was the longest that I had ever seen him go without blushing. I was really glad that we took him along. Matt was already at the arcade when we got there, and he was playing some game in the corner. We walked over and introduced Ariel to him and even though he was greeted with a warm smile, Ariel retreated back into his shell a little bit and got quiet again. We could only hope that he'd break out of it, because he would be such a cool addition to our little crew.

Matt was happy enough to see him, and he tried to show him a good time, but except for a few smiles, Ariel kept silent. He'll grow out of it though, Ariel was just being himself. So the afternoon started off a little weird, but it would get better as we all got used to each other. About an hour had passed and we were starting to wonder exactly what happened to Sam and Tyler. They shouldn't be taking quite THAT long getting some extra tokens. Ryan and I thought it was strange, but we tried not to draw attention to it. Afterall, Matt was having a good time, and we didn't really want to spoil anything. So the two of us just exchanged a glance every now and then to let the other know that we were on the same page. We don't think he knew we were doing it, but somehow his smile seemed to lose its genuine flavor and was getting more 'forced' by the minute. We could tell that he was getting a bit miffed over the whole thing, because the three of us could guess at exactly what happened if they went back to Matt's basement and didn't come out of it.

Matt, trying to be extra friendly to our new companion, decided to show Ariel his high score on one of the fighting games there. He dragged all of us over to look. "Yeah, Sam beat me by a few hundred points by being lucky! But my name is number two, and his is number one. Two peas in a pod, you know. We've been the top two names on the scoreboard for almost three months now." Matt said proudly. We watched the game's demo and waited for the high scores to roll. It was the first game that he and Sam had ever played together, and I guess it was the game that ultimately made him and Sam a happy couple. It was a story that he told me vaguely, but I often meant to ask him to tell it to me in detail. I wondered if it would come out sounding like one of those corny internet stories where the kids just happen to be gorgeous, and just happen to meet, and just happen to have everything in common, and just happen to be gay, and just happen to fall in love! I mean, how often does that really happen. Well....Ryan doesn't count. That wasn't some internet story, that was real life.

The high score finally reached up to the top five, and there was Matt....at number 3. Sam was at number one like he said, and at number two, just a few points higher than Matt...was Tyler's initials. I looked over at Matt and saw him staring at those initials, shaking with a combination of shock, dissappointment, anger, and sadness. The look in his eyes was unexplainable. It was at that moment that we knew things were not going to continue to go well for the happy trio. Ariel seemed just as impressed, I mean he had no idea that ANY of us were gay, much less together. But Ryan looked over at me and then offered Matt some of his tokens. "Go ahead man, you can beat it. You've only got a few points to go to be number two again."

"Can...can I borrow some change for the phone?" Matt said. The hurt on his face was beyond hiding at that point. Relunctantly, Ryan gave him the change, and I decided to go with him. Just in case this didn't go well.

I watched Matt dial up his house, searching for his boyfriends, and his face turned sour when he got no answer. He was about to get the answering machine, so he hung up and tried again. Then after a pause, he hung up and tried again, this time with a bit more force. When he didn't get an answer for the fourth time, he slammed down the receiver and decided he would try one more time. "I'm sure they're on their way dude." I said, attempting to comfort him, but as soon as he dialed the number, his face twisted up like he was about to cry.

"Oh really?" He said, and he handed me the receiver. It was a busy signal.

"What does that mean?"

"It means that they heard the phone ringing and they took it off the fucking hook!" He said, slamming the receiver back on the public phone. He stared at the wall for a second, and a single tear streamed down his face. I threw an arm around him in a chummy type of way, but he didn't move. He just whispered, "I've lost him. I've lost the most important piece of my life, and I'll never get it back. Oh God Randy, what am I gonna do?" Then Matt collapsed into my arms and cried. Really cried, in the middle of a crowded arcade. Ryan and Ariel saw me from across the room, and with a simple nod, he knew it was time to go. I could only hope that Matt could get through this. Pain is temporary, love is forever. If he can keep that in mind, he'll be alright...eventually.