Force of Nature - 5. Chapter 5

Sometime during the night the dreams did come, but this time I woke up to someone holding on to my flailing arms. It took me a while to remember where I was before I collapsed on the bed, my ribs sending jolts of pain through me every time I took a breath. When Adam felt me relax he let go.

“It’s okay,” he whispered and I felt him lean over me to turn on the light. Like every night I dreamed I woke up sweaty, but chilled. My teeth chattering, I pulled the tangled covers off me.

“Sorry,” I said as I moved to sit on the edge of the bed with my back to him. I could feel the droplets of sweat running paths down my back.

“I must admit that was pretty intense,” he said and I felt him moving around on the bed. When he came to sit beside me I glanced over at him. “If I had a dream that made me do that I’d never sleep again.”

“So much for the cuddle buddy theory,” I said leaning away from him when he put his hand on my shoulder. He let it fall back beside him.

“I couldn’t show you the full force of my cuddle power with those bum ribs,” he said and I smirked, “when you’re good and healed you won’t have another one.”

“I don’t really know when they’ll stop,” I said standing up. “What time is it?”

“About five,” he said, “I woke up around four, I thought we were home free.”

“And you just watched me sleep?” I asked bending down to gather up my clothes, ignoring my ribs.

“I wanted to be there if you needed me,” he answered, frowning. “What are you doing?

“I need to get home,” I said, “do you care to walk me to my car?”

“Don’t run off because you’re embarrassed over something you have no control over,” he countered, standing up to face me.

“I can’t help feeling the way I feel about it,” I said, blinking away tears I didn’t even know I was close to shedding until they blurred my vision. The last time I cried was during my grandmother’s funeral. I hated feeling so weak.

“I know,” he said and I shot him a glare.

“How the fuck do you know?” I asked, “You keep saying that, but how?”

“Because I lied about why I dropped out of Auburn,” he said, closing the distance between us. “I was cocky and hit on a straight guy at a bar, him and his friends didn’t take it too well.”

“Why would you lie about that?” I asked as he grabbed my clothes and gently pulled them out of my grasp.

“If you let me I can help you get past all this, because I’ve done it,” he said not answering my question, “I’m not fucking perfect, but it’s better than suffering through this alone.”

When he reached up and rested his hand on my shoulder I took in a sharp breath. I looked around the room, it was small. The walls were a neutral grey color. He had posters taped to the walls and framed pictures of people I didn’t know on his dresser in front of the wall opposite the bed. His closet door was hanging open, he had too many clothes for the tiny space and his shoes were piled on the floor underneath them.

“I still need to go,” I said, “don’t you have to go to work?”

“Yeah,” he responded, sighing, “can I see you tonight?”

“No,” I answered and he took his hand off my shoulder. When I looked over at him he looked away.

“Why not?” He asked as he picked something up from his nightstand table, when he held it up I saw it was an ink pen.

“I need to get over all of this,” I answered, reaching up and smoothing down my hair. “I need to get a fucking haircut.”

“It is looking a little Johnny Depp,” he said offering me a smile, “not Edward Scissorhands bad though.”

“Why would you want to hang out with me anyway?” I asked bending down again as I reached and stepped into my jeans, pulling them up as I stood, wincing.

“I don’t know,” he answered shrugging. “I like to have fun, I figured you did too.”

“I don’t have time for it,” I countered and he shook his head.

“You’re just afraid to,” he argued and for the first time I saw a hardening of his features. “You don’t like your parents, but you keep doing what they want you to do.”

“As messed up as they are, they know how to be successful,” I countered looking at him. The tattoo I saw peeking out yesterday had been Batman’s symbol just above his belly button. When I saw it I couldn’t keep from smiling.

“What?” He asked, still glaring at me.

“Batman, really?” I said pointing my finger towards it.

“He’s a beast,” Adam answered, “best fucking hero on the planet.”

“Fictional hero,” I added and he blinked a few times.

“Can he count as one?” He asked, still holding the ink pen, twirling it between his fingers.

“As a force of nature?” I asked, rolling my eyes. “If you want him to, I guess.”

“Well yeah, I think he has to count,” he said,and I laughed, shaking my head. I bent over and grabbed my shirt and socks off the floor. I glanced around for my shoes then rounded them up with my feet from where I had kicked them off last night. When I looked back towards Adam he had stopped playing with the ink pen and was watching me.

“I don’t know when I’ll be back to normal,” I sighed pulling my shirt on. He looked up at my hair and smirked, but didn’t say anything.

“I don’t care about you being normal,” he countered, “I just want to have fun with you and see where it takes us.”

“Why me?” I asked, “Why now? How long have you been back here and you decided to talk to me after I stormed out of a therapist’s office?”

“I’ve always felt something for you,” he answered shrugging. “Mostly it happened in my pants or in the shower, or…”

“Shut up,” I interrupted, “I’m serious, why?”

“I don’t know why,” he answered after a few moments. “You’re here though, right? You have to feel it too, maybe?”

“That’s just it,” I said, shaking my head. “I can’t really trust what I feel right now.”

“So what?” Adam asked, shrugging his shoulders then he reached over and grabbed my hand. He flipped it palm up and clicked the inkpen.

“What if, after a while I…” I started, but didn’t really know what I was about to tell him.

“Go ahead,” he said, frowning as he finished writing his phone number on my hand. “Say what you were going to.”

“You seem to already know what I was about to say,” I countered looking down at the phone number, I had to turn my hand to read it.

“Then you can say goodbye,” he said, “the day you wake up and what ever this is has changed, you can tell me to fuck off.”

“And you’d be okay with that?” I asked, looking up at him.

“I’d get over it,” he answered, “happens to people all the time.”

“Alright,” I said and he stepped forward and kissed me on the cheek.

“All this hassle for a second date,” he said smiling, “you shouldn’t make a guy work so hard in the morning.”

“What time?” I asked, feeling my face getting warm, “For tonight I mean.”

“Seven,” he answered, “but now I need to shower and get ready for work.”

“Walk me to the car?” I asked as I leaned against the wall and awkwardly slipped on my socks and then my shoes.

“Of course,” he said as he slipped on his shoes. “Ready?”

“Yeah,” I said and he grabbed his keys and I followed him out of his bedroom, down the narrow hallway and through his living room. He only stopped to throw on a jacket before he opened the door and held it open for me.

“I would have waited for you to get dressed,” I said as he zipped up his jacket.

“I would have just had to take all that off again,” he countered, smiling when I laughed.

The walk to the car in the morning didn’t bother me like it had last night. When I pushed the unlock button I opened the door. Adam held it open until I was sitting in the seat then closed it. He gave me a quick wave before turning and jogging back towards the apartments, when he disappeared around the corner into the alley I shook my head and started the car.

Driving back home I couldn’t help thinking that last night was crazy. I had gone home with someone I barely knew. We had a past, but I hadn’t paid enough attention to know who he was. Thinking back, I could remember a few people I went to prep school with. Especially the girls that Mom told me to get close to. That their fathers would be good for business investments. Apart from that she never pushed me to date, the thought of me marrying scared her. She had said that it would mean losing her son to some other woman, but now I couldn’t help thinking that she was only protecting the money Grandma gave me in her will. They convinced the judge that she wasn’t of sound mind, but the judge had awarded my share of the company, like she had instructed.

It was only later that Grandma told me to run. To stay only long enough to become old enough to accept the trust fund set up for me. Then to get as far away from them as I could. At first I thought that maybe she had finally gone crazy, even if I knew they had driven her to it. I still loved them. So I had stuck around. My trust fund was in my control and I was waiting to be handed control over my part of the company.

I wouldn’t be handed that responsibility until I worked under Dad long enough to earn it. I had no interest in taking it over though. Or to be in business, not anymore. A lot had changed in college, but I was too afraid to open doors that would put me on different paths. So I stayed and kept telling myself that it was a job, that it didn’t define my life, that I would find something better. I wouldn’t be like Mom, scared to be left broken and poor. I wouldn’t be Dad either, hand picked by my Grandfather to take over the company and to marry Mom. Although that was never said, Mom wouldn’t have married anyone else though and Dad wouldn’t have either. They had sold away their lives to a construction company and I knew that if I stayed long enough, I might too.

It was part of the reason I had told them I was gay. It was to start my new life, where I was going to make the decisions based on what I wanted. They had taken it so badly that it scared me and gave me the push that I needed to leave. So it worried me that I felt more tied to them now than I ever had before. I hoped I got over that before my roots got too deep.

Getting back home, Sadie bounced up to the side of the car and waited for me to slide out of the seat. My ribs felt less sore and I smiled when she shoved her head into my hand and licked my fingers. She was a happy dog, the thought of her biting Mom only made me realize how cold Mom had become.

“Not back in the house yet girl?” I asked, closing the door behind me. I knelt down and let her lick my face as I petted her.

“Glad to see you smile Jason,” Tania said and I jumped and looked up to see her holding a paper bag full of groceries.

“Hi Tania,” I said standing up and wiping my face. “Let me take those.”

“I better not,” she said, frowning slightly as I fell in step beside her. “Your Mother is waiting to pounce you as soon as you walk through the door.”

“Who says?” I asked, glancing at her.

“Kenny,” she answered as we turned the corner up the stone walkway to the front stairs. “And he’s angry with you for taking the only car that had gas.”

“Tell him to get over it,” I countered, smiling.

“I’ve missed you,” she whispered as we started up the stairs to the front door. “I wanted to tell you yesterday, but it was so tense.”

“I know,” I said, “I’m sorry for that.”

“Don’t be silly,” she said, offering me another small smile. “Just think about getting a haircut before your Mom gets hold of it for you.”

“Alright,” I said laughing as I opened the door and held it open for her. Like she warned, Mom was waiting for me when I followed Tania into the kitchen. She was dressed in a light pink sundress and a pair of heels.

“And just where have you been all night?” Mom asked, holding up a glass of wine. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was still early, cocking my eyebrow.

“I told you that I probably wasn’t going to be home,” I answered and Mom glanced at Tania as she started laying out fresh vegetables that she was probably going to use for dinner later tonight.

“Leave us Tania,” Mom ordered and Tania gave her a small smile and stepped around the counter and out of the room. Mom waited until the sound of Tania’s departure faded down the hall.

“You know she’s studying to be a chef,” I said, crossing my arms and only feeling a dull pain from my ribs. “She’s not a maid, if you want a maid hire a maid.”

“She does so little cooking it won’t hurt her to clean a little,” Mom countered sitting down at the breakfast bar. “Now where have you been?”

“With a friend,” I answered, “and don’t get into a habit of asking me where I’ve been, I’m not a child.”

“Then stop acting like one,” Mom said, holding her wine glass in both hands. Her knuckles were white and I wondered how much the fragile crystal would take before it shattered. “Get a haircut, get back to work, learn what you need from your father.”

“I know what I have to do Mom,” I said, letting my hands fall to my side as I stepped around the counter to the refrigerator. I grabbed the carton of orange juice and a glass from the cabinet.

“It is in the bylaws that you work under your father for four years before you can represent your share in the company,” Mom added when my back was turned. I frowned as I poured myself a glass and put the carton back into the refrigerator.

“Does it matter that I take control?” I asked, turning back around to see her expression hardened.

“Yes,” she hissed, “the control of the company has been in our family for nearly a hundred years.”

“More like sixty,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“That doesn’t matter,” she said, “your father isn’t family.”

“And he’s threatening to leave again,” I added and her eyes narrowed. “Why does it matter, you’ve never liked the company?”

“And if I did, your grandfather would never have allowed me to learn,” Mom said downing the rest of her wine. I watched her grimace as she slid the glass away from her. “If it wasn’t for your grandmother weaseling into the company after his death, we would be penniless already.”

“Before or after you and Dad drove her crazy?” I asked, shaking my head.

“What she was going to do, would have ruined us all,” Mom said, “dissolving most of the company into charities.”

“Maybe she saw what it was doing to us,” I said, “maybe she wanted us all to find things we all liked instead of…”

“Your grandmother wasn’t that giving,” Mom countered, “and she had a claim over the company that your grandfather never had, being a Colby. All she had to do was out live him. That will was no more than a slap in all our faces.”

“Not to me,” I said smiling. “She gave me half.”

“And those company lawyers gave your father that four year loophole,” Mom said leaning forward. “Something that I hadn’t heard about until the hearing.”

“You think Dad is trying to screw us out of our own company?” I asked, smirking.

“That is exactly what I’m thinking, your trust fund is protected, but not your half-claim on the company,” she answered, throwing her arms into the air. “If you fail you are handing over everything to him. We wouldn’t even have a claim to our own names.”

“You’re being overly dramatic,” I countered, “you like fashion and art, I have no interest in building hotels and highrises.”

“So we let him have it?” She asked, “We let him take everything our family built.”

“And all your money, that’s what you’re worried about,” I said, causing her to cringe. “Apart from the trust fund I have.”

“That dreadful woman,” Mom whispered, “you must know that I am depending on you.”

“Before college I was prepared to do what you wanted,” I said, stepping away from the counter looking at her. “Now I think you’re getting everything you deserve.”

“Jason,” Mom hissed and for the first time I thought I finally saw honest fear and sadness in her eyes.

She didn’t try to stop me as I walked around the counter and out of the room. From the corner of my eye I saw Tania pretending to dust the wooden railing on the stairs. She gave me a worried look, but I smiled as I walked up the stairs to my room.

When I got there I saw that my bed had been made. Sighing, I slid out of my shoes and walked into the bathroom undressing as I went. Then I glanced down at my hand and saw that the condensation from the orange juice had smeared Adam’s number. I had to squint before I could make out most of the numbers. Hesitating I studied myself in the mirror. The brightness of my bathroom made me cringe. I still only barely recognized myself. My cheeks were sunken in and my eyes looked larger. My hair was longer than it had ever been. I wasn’t myself and I didn’t know when I would ever be myself again. I had never depended on anyone for my own happiness, I had never needed to. Now it seemed like I was depending on everyone for everything and all because of one random event. Something that could have happened to anyone, but happened to me that night. Now it was threatening to take hold and claim me for the rest of my life because I couldn’t see how I could get past it right now. Shuddering I glanced back down at the number, I knew I would only be using him for a distraction. So instead of stepping out of the bathroom to search for my phone I stepped into the shower with every intention of washing the number and everything I could away.