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Letter to Caitlyn Jenner - 1. Chapter 1 Letter to Caitlyn Jenner
Letter to Caitlyn Jenner
Hello, Caitlyn. My name is Gary, and I find you fascinating. Not in a spectacle kind of way, but as a person. You intrigue me for many reasons. You are not much older than I am, so we have viewed a similar world in a similar sequence throughout our so-far lives. So, so much has changed since we were born. The huge scary world has become smaller, and much more transparent. I remember the fear when I realized I was different. It was almost paralyzing to think of myself as a sure-fire object of derision if I acknowledged that difference. I find myself wondering if it was the same for you.
I remember your picture being everywhere. You were this gorgeous physical specimen who oozed masculinity and confidence. An Olympic champion… a gold medal winner. In 1976, the year you won the decathlon, I was 22 years old, and hiding from myself. You were this God of a man on a Wheaties box, and I wouldn’t let myself be who I was. It turns out that man, you, were in a similar boat.
I won’t pretend to know your journey, or if you went through the torturous agony I did. Mine wasn’t a gender issue. Mine was about my sexuality. I, too, was a golden boy of sorts, and I felt the weight of expectations not my own. I wouldn’t accept being a gay man for many reasons. I had no gay acquaintances in my life, although I knew where gay areas were in my city. I can only imagine the isolation you must have felt.
I watched your interviews on television, the courageous ones where you tell us who you really are. I could read the emotions on your face as you talked. There was fear, but there was also a certain joy I identified with. The stepping over of the barrier that had held you back. I had a barrier too, and I remember that joy… and it wasn’t about other people at all. It was about accepting myself. Looking in the mirror, and liking, no, loving the person looking back at me… finally.
What did your mirror tell you for all those years? To look, and see someone staring back who didn’t belong there. I have no words. You were adored by millions, but you must have hated seeing a man in the mirror when you knew you were a woman. How utterly tragic that must have been. I don’t presume to know the feelings you carried around every day of your life, before Caitlyn, but I do know about needing to love and accept the person that reflects back at you.
You’re a dad, and from the sounds of it, a damn good one. So am I. I will never think of the first part of my life as wasted, and I would expect that on most levels, you don’t either. It has been my biggest blessing, and as agonized as I was at times, I wouldn’t change the course my life took if it meant not having my children.
It’s powerful, isn’t it, the moment you realize you can accept yourself? I don’t know when it happened for you… maybe you had an easier time of it. I ended up on the floor of a psychiatrist’s office writhing and making noises that defy description. I am not ashamed. I was slowly dying inside, and it was manifesting in health issues. If I didn’t do justice to the person God made me, my children were going to lose their father. I hope you had an easier time, but I would expect not. I am going to presume here that for you as well, there was a period or periods of self-hatred. Thank God it is a different world today.
I see the media circus that surrounds you, and I also see and hear the detractors, who insinuate this is all for the sake of notoriety and greed. A reality show is the supposed stimulus for you coming out to the world as transgendered. It shows how far our world hasn’t come. We all make our money in some way, and all the power to you if, on the way to setting an example for confused and terrified young people, you continue in your profession as a sometimes reality TV star. The important thing is the focus it brings to those who need a public example of who they are inside. It was a real turning point for gay people when we were able to see people who shared our sexuality, showing up on television and movie screens. I am going to presume again, and say that development probably saved many, many young lives. It helped me, in my own journey.
I found it amusing, when it was reported ‘some’ women’s groups had a problem with your photo shoot done in the style reminiscent of a pin-up model. My God, a sixty-five year old woman being objectified. How horrifying. It was laughable. When you and I were growing up, pin-up models were the beauty standard of the day. I saw it as only fitting you were able to see and present yourself in such a liberating way, and I must say I thought you looked stunning. You are finally the beautiful woman on the outside that you were on the inside. I hope you felt truly empowered the day the world watched you.
Some time has passed since Caitlin was introduced to the world, and I still see the professionally veiled, politically correct comments followed by the implied eye-rolls from the news anchors and entertainment hosts, but never mind them. They have to mind their p’s and q’s, even if they struggle to, because there are enough good people in the world to police bigoted behavior. I sadly believe it will never completely disappear, but shoving it in their face has some benefits. You are doing something good and positive by having the guts to be yourself, and I applaud you.
For those who said you didn’t deserve the Arthur Ashe ESPY award for courage, I say, how quickly they forget what you did as an Olympian while struggling with gender issues. I would say you displayed true courage, and overcame personal anguish to give your country an incredible moment in sports that will live on in history. Your acceptance speech was about the plight of others. You drew attention to the pain, suffering, bullying and suicides of transgendered youth, and deflected it away from yourself. You made me cry a deep cleansing kind of cry, making me feel hope there was a new, more positive direction for these kids to take. I wish all will take the time to listen to the message you delivered, and really hear it.
Caitlyn, you know there will always be naysayers who don’t look much past their own lives, and all we can do is feel sorry for them. They don’t get it… not because they can’t, but because they have no desire to. You’re in the spotlight now, and I hope you hold onto it for the benefit of those who need to witness your strength, and determination to prevail and come through the other side of a lifelong struggle. Who knows… your story may fade away in a few years as the world gloms on to other things, but for me, the impact you’ve had, will not. I don’t have many modern day heroes, but I have to tell you with certainty, you are one of them. I will always remember the beautiful Bruce, but I can be happy he is now a memory because it means the beautiful Caitlin has come out of the shadows, and into her own.
Much love, thanks, and respect for the example you have given us, and the spotlight you have shined on a desperate situation… Gary.
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