In love with my brother - 4. Chapter 4 - Secret feelings

I woke early the next morning, it was not yet time to get up and go to school. I was still wrapped in Anikin’s embrace, only now, facing him. An arm wrapped around his waist and my head tucked tightly under his chin; my nose so close to the hollow of his throat, that if I just stretched my neck a bit I could press my lips at this inviting spot. Only now, after I finished the thought did I realize I was just about to do so, my neck stretched and my lips parted only an inch from the skin of Anikin’s neck. My heartbeat had quickened and my breathing was heavier. My whole body froze. What the hell? This was so not happening, I gently but hurriedly turned over.

OMG, what… what… what?? My heart was beating like crazy. I moved a little further away from Anikin, needing the space. I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing my heartbeat to slow down and more or less forced myself back to sleep.

When I woke up a few hours later the first thing I registered were a lot of yelling.

“You bloody idiot. How often do I have to tell you not to do anything rash.” Anikin’s voice penetrated the bedroom door. I rolled over and covered my head with the pillow to block out the noise, two seconds later the door was softly opened.

“Dom? Dom you have to get up. If you want me to drive you to school we have to leave in twenty minutes.” Anikin poked his head through the gap just to pull back the next moment to answer the person on the phone.

“No you idiot, I have to take Dominic to school first, it’s not his fault that you screwed up” Anikin hung up and entered the room.

“Come on Dom, get up, I’ll make you some breakfast in the meantime.” He gently shook Dominic’s shoulder.

“Mmmm don’t want to go. Sleeping.” I tightened my grip around my pillow; the result of my refusal was Anikin pulling off my duvet.

“If you don’t want me dragging you out of bed and pulling some random clothes on you, I suggest that you get up now. You’ve got fifteen minutes.” Unwillingly I got out of bed and started to pull of my PJ.

With the pants down around my ankles and the shirt halfway off, I met Anikin’s gaze, which was stiffly fixed on my body.

“What? I’m up,” I pointed out slightly annoyed.

“Nothing,” Anikin answered with a sneaky smile on his lips.

“Nice undies.” Anikin looked down as he flexed his eyebrows. I followed his gaze to look at my underwear; pink boxer shorts, with little figures of Bunny the rabbit. I felt blood rush to my face.

“Anikin, you damn pervert!” I yelled and I threw my PJ-shirt at him as he fled out of the room laughing like a loon, closing the door behind him.

Ten minutes later I was dressed and ready to leave.

“I’m done,” I announced, with my schoolbag over my shoulder as I entered the kitchen area.

“Good, let’s go. I’ve made breakfast to eat in the car, so go get your jacket, we have to leave now” Anikin was fumbling with his tie at the same time he was pulling on his jacket, he seemed a little stressed out.

Once in the car I shot a quick sideways glance at Anikin.

“Do you plan on going to the office like that?” Anikin had bed hair; circles under his eyes, wearing his halfway open shirt inside out and his tie still undone, I silently wondered how he’d managed to button his shirt that far up, without noticing something was wrong.

“I’ll have to fix it when I get there. That bastard of a CFO woke me up five minutes before I woke you, because a client called and wanted a meeting today, about something I didn’t approve of. That idiot just signed.”

“Will you be done to pick me up after school or do I need to get home on my own?”

“Is it okay if I get back to you at lunch time about that?” He gave me an apologizing gaze.

“Sure, just don’t stress yourself out,” I said with a smile as I tried not to seem worried.

***

At the end of lunchtime I went to Sean’s table, at the back of the classroom, just as he was preparing for next class. It turned out that I would have to get home on my own since Anikin wouldn’t be able to pick me up. We normally went to Sean’s house for study but today I didn’t really feel like going to his house, we still had to study though, no way around it, and it was easier when we helped each other.

“Hey Sean, wanna study at my place for once?” I asked and sat down on the edge of his table.

“Eh? Really… Sure I’ll definitely go… you live with your brother, right? Bet it’s like… you know, a real guy’s home… messy and smelly and stuff…” Sean declared with a laugh.

“Eh… No not at all, that’s just really gross you know.” The bell rang and I got up.

“Well, I’ll wait for you when class ends, so hurry up, kay?” And then I went back to my own seat.

***

“Wow,” Sean said, as he walked through the door. “You really live here?”

“It’s my brothers,” I replied.

“Anyway, it’s awesome.”

“If you go sit by the table I’ll make us some snacks for while we study.”

***

The time went by really quick and as soon as we were done studying we talked about a lot of other things, when Sean suddenly asked me if I liked anyone at the time being. I was just about to answer that I didn’t like anyone at the moment when the front door was slammed open. Loud voices reached us from them from the hall and we both turned towards the entrance.

It was Anikin returning from work.

When he and a colleague came into the room with an arm around the other, clearly drunk, I couldn’t help myself giving them a long gaze as they went to Anikin’s bedroom. I sighed and turned back to Sean who was looking dumbfounded at me when I once again met his gaze.

“Holy Moses… you’re in love with your brother…” I felt the blood slowly leave my face, wha…?

“Are you out of your mind, that’s just really gross you know?”

“Geez… not so loud, they can hear you…” I loudly whispered at him.

“Oh, I don’t believe you need to worry about them, I think they are quiet occupied with other stuff”

“You are so gross, you know that?” I leaned back in my chair.

“Hey… I’m not the one in love with my big brother. So… how does that work anyway?” Sean leaned closer to get the story.

“He’s not really my brother. He’s the son of my mother’s ex-husband. We grew up together, kind of. He went abroad five years ago and I’ve only recently been reunited with him.” I fumbled with my pencil, looking down at the table.

“My mother called for him during of the divorce and Anikin asked me to stay here with him. So it’s not that I can’t love him, but I know I shouldn’t, too much trouble.”

“Have you told him?”

“Does it look like I have?” I gestured towards the bedroom.

“Well… no.”

“Let’s do something else, this is so depressing.”

Sean and I were on the floor in front of the couch, playing video games, laughing and yelling at the other as the game proceeded. *Bing Bing* and I just lost the game.

“Ah come on… you could’ve given me a chance you know.” I gave Sean a playful shove as he was just laughing at me.

A door opened and a moment later Anikin came into view at the kitchen, he stopped short and turned his gaze towards us.

“Eh… How long have you two been here?” I turned and met his gaze.

“Since before you came home,” I answered and saw his eyebrows furrow.

“Man… I don’t even remember coming home.” He scratched his head, wondering. The next moment the guy came out from Anikin’s room.

“Gotta go, but I’ll see ya around, kay!” he said to Anikin and smacked his butt as he walked past him.

“Hey…” Anikin started but the guy was already gone.

“Arhg… this sucks.” Anikin went to turn on the coffee machine.

“I gotta go too. I’ll see ya tomorrow Dom.” Sean got up, clearly uncomfortable.

“Yeah, thanks Sean, will you be alright on your own?” I got up and walked him to the door.

“Yeah, it’s only a twenty minute walk from here, so I’ll be fine,” he said as he walked out.

“See ya.” I waved and went back in.

As I turned the corner I shot a glance at Anikin.

“Are you alright?” I asked as if nothing had happened.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Once I get sober that is.” He sat down at the dining table with his coffee mug and put his head in his hand.

“When did you say I got home?” He looked at me with at concerned expression.

“Three hours ago.”

“And you were already home?” He closed his eyes, clearly calculating in his head.

“Yes,” was all I said, I wondered where this was going. Then suddenly his eyes went wide.

“Oh my G… and you had your friend over. Dom I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean for it to turn out like that, it must have looked rather odd for both of you.” He went completely sober for one second to the next and he was looking straight at me, his eyes clear.

I lit up in a smile.

“Don’t worry about it. Sean didn’t freak or anything if that’s what you mean.”

“Yeah… but I seriously gotta stop this…” He put his head back in his hand. I poured myself a cup of coffee and went to sit across from Anikin.

“What do mean… stop what?” I took a sip as I looked at his face.

“It’s because I’m stressed out… there have been problems both at the agency and the firm… this is… how I usually deal with it.” He made an averted gesture.

“Booze and sex?” This comment made him smile.

“If you like.” He met my gaze but I couldn’t read his expression.

Anikin suddenly got up, went to the kitchen and left his mug in the sink.

“Either way, I’m sorry it turned out the way it did… I guess I forgot that you would be here. Next time I’ll make sure to go somewhere else.” He offered me an apologetic smile and went back to his bedroom.

As soon as he was out of sight the smile faded from my face. The conversation I had earlier, with Sean, came back into my head.

In love with Anikin, was it love? Well I couldn’t really be sure, was I even gay? I wondered why Sean hadn’t asked about that, no doubt it would come up next time I saw him. But the longer I thought about it, the more I was sure I was not gay, or at least not totally gay. I mean, I didn’t look at men, and I wasn’t even a virgin. I liked sex with girls. Maybe I was into both? Or maybe Anikin was just a special case, I had heard before about people turning gay for one person only; perhaps that was it. I shook my head. I needed to see a shrink; there was something really wrong with my head.

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