In love with my brother - 13. Chapter 13 - Pain

I was in front of Sean’s door when I finally regained my senses. I hadn’t even gone home to get a change of clothes, and now that I thought about it I decided it didn’t really matter. Anikin would expect me to go home, and I didn’t want to see him.

I raised my hand slowly and rang the doorbell. I heard voices from the other side and the next moment Sean opened the door.

“Dom? What are you doing here?” he asked. I opened my mouth to answer but just at that moment I broke down right then and there.

“What the fuck happened? Come in, come in. Geez.” Once I was inside he shoved the door shut and pulled me into an awkward, but caring embrace. I let him hold me as I bawled my eyes out.

“Oh Dear. What happened?” Sean’s mom, Shannon, came into the hallway to see what was going on.

“I don’t know. He didn’t get a word out before he started crying,” Sean answered his mom. With my face still buried in Sean’s shirt I tried to explain, but all that came out of my mouth was sobbing sounds, and neither Sean nor Shannon could understand what I was trying to say.

“Here.” Shannon grabbed my shoulders, pried me away from Sean and hugged me to her side in comfort. “Come on love; let’s get you a warm cup of tea and when you have calmed down you can explain.” The pet name only made me cry harder.

“Put on some water, will you, Sean.” Shannon led me into the sitting room and placed me on the couch where she pulled me into her arms, just like my own mother used to when I was a kid and sad.

A little while later Sean came in with three cups of steaming tea. I had finally gotten a hold on myself and sniffing accepted the mug handed to me.

“Did you have a fight with Anikin?” Sean asked calmly and I had to fight not to start crying again.

“He cheated on me,” I wept. The room went dead silent and Sean’s jaw dropped while he just stared at me, wide eyed.

When Sean finally reacted, the anger showed clearly on his face. “He did what?” he demanded through clenched teeth.

“I walked in on him and saw him kissing Santiago.” From there I started crying again and my mug of tea went cold before I even thought of drinking it.

***

After dinner Shannon showed me to the guest room.

“You can stay here for as long as you like Dominic. I’m sure you can stay in Sean’s room if you like, but I thought this would be more comfortable.”

“No, this is fine Mrs. Allen, thank you very much.” I finished with a sniff and she pulled me into her arms.

“Not at all, love. Not at all.”

After Shannon left the room I spent awhile looking out the window, watching the birds flying around doing their thing in the garden, while gathering my thoughts. I was sure there was an explanation to the situation I’d seen, but that did not mean it didn’t hurt just the same. I just couldn’t fathom what on earth would make him do that to me.

I tried to find the red thread through all the incidents during the time since Santiago showed up. I went over all the conversations I’d had, with both Anikin and Tamaki. But no matter how much I tried, I could find no reason in any of it; Anikin had given me no answers, only more questions and Tamaki had been so cryptic that what he’d told me made no sense whatsoever.

A knock on the door pulled me from my thoughts.

“Dom? Dinner’s ready.” Sean poked his head through the crack of the door.

“Yeah. I’m coming.” I pushed away from the wall and followed Sean downstairs.

“Ah, Dominic, long time, no see.” I was greeted by the ever happy smile of Sean’s dad, Robert.

“Mr. Allen, nice to see you. How’s the road?” Mr. Allen was a truck driver and rarely home.

“Mostly straight, but sometimes curvy.” Well, he was right; a road was a road.

“Have a seat kids.” Shannon put the bowl with potatoes on the table and took a seat herself. When we were all seated we folded our hands for grace. It wasn’t that the Allen family was religious, but Shannon had grown up with this custom so she had brought it into her own family.

“Today is both sad and a happy day. Robert is safely home and we are grateful to him for being careful when driving. We also have the privilege of having Dominic into our household for the time being, for that we are delighted, even though the circumstances of him being here are not joyful. During his stay we will all be understanding and helpful, so that he can overcome the hardships, which he is going though. Sean is having good grades and of that we are very proud, but still he has not found a girlfriend whom he can introduce to his family, and for that I am starting to worry if Dominic will always be his center of devotion.” Shannon was shortly interrupted by a simultaneous snicker from Robert and Sean. She gazed at them, with one eye, for a second before continuing. “With that we will now happily eat the food which was carefully prepared this evening, so that we can go to bed and tomorrow, well rested, start a new day.” Once she was done we all thanked her for sharing her love and then started eating.

“Thanks a lot for the food Mrs. Allen,” I said as we cleared off the table. “It was delicious.”

“You’re very welcome love. Now go on and enjoy your evening, Robert and I will take care of the dishes.” With a smile she let Sean and me off.

I followed Sean up the stairs and closed the door behind me when I entered his room.

“You feel like talking about it?” Sean asked as he dumped himself onto the bed. I sat down on the floor on the opposite end leaning on the edge. I reached out and grabbed the old, worn out teddy bear Sean always had lying around on his bed. He’d told me the story about it one time, something about it being his very first stuffed animal and he just couldn’t throw it away. Not that he hadn’t tried; he’d been so angry once when we were younger, because the girl he’d had a crush on called him childish for keeping it after she’d gone to his house. As a result he’d decided that he might as well toss it, if it was going to ruin his love life. But the teddy bear had been back the next day and Sean had muttered something about comfort and unconditional love. I snickered and hugged the bear closer at the memory.

“I’ve thought about it, you know, and I just don’t get it. Why would he suddenly kiss another guy? There was no indication whatsoever that he was not happy. I mean, what did I do wrong? I just wanna know why. What is so special about this… this… He’s not even that handsome!” As I jabbered on tears welled up into my eyes and I started sobbing again.

“I know Dom, he deserves a good slap,” Sean said, referring to Anikin.

“But I did.” I turned to look at Sean with teary eyes and a runny nose. Sean handed me a piece of tissue, I took it and wiped my face, the effect only lasted a second as new tears streamed down my cheeks.

“It even echoed.” My voice was really small as I recalled the sound. He had deserved it, sure he had, but that didn’t mean I felt good about having done it. “Why is he such an asshole? Why would he do it? I don’t understand… I never want anything to do with him again… I never want anything to do with any guy again,” I stated, but knew that that was never going to happen anyways, because I wasn’t gay-gay to begin with. “He’s… he’s… It hurts so much.” My voice went high-pitched with my crying. Sean slid onto the floor next to me and hugged me to his side while patting me soothingly on the head.

Even though Shannon had provided me with the guestroom, I ended up staying the night in Sean’s room.

I woke early the next morning and spent close to two hours having a mental discussion with myself, about whether or not I was going to skip school. However, Sean made the final decision for me, kicking me out of bed with: “You need something to take your mind off of this misery,” and hence, I went to school, wearing Sean’s clothes as I hadn’t brought a change for myself. Not that I really remembered much of the stuff we had learned about, but in the end it was a welcome distraction.

Luckily I didn’t have work after school so we went straight home. We sat down in the kitchen to do our homework but after about an hour of torturing myself, trying to focus on the math in front of me, I gave up.

“Let’s do something else. Didn’t you get the latest Call of duty last week? Let’s play that instead, I can’t concentrate on this.” I threw my pencil on the table and watched it roll towards Sean. He spent a moment looking at me before sighing.

“Fine. I don’t feel like doing homework either.” We got up, leaving the mess in the kitchen, and went to the living room.

“Start up the TV while I go get the game” Sean said before dashing up the stairs.

Fifteen minutes later we were seated on the floor in front of the couch, each with a game console, engrossed in our mission to kill the enemy.

I had gotten more or less past my depression during the day and was onto being angry. How dared he? How dared he touch my boyfriend? MY boyfriend! Son of a… GOD I wanted to hurt him. Every time I Killed an enemy I imagined Santiago’s annoying face. Once the mission was accomplished I felt better. Some of the fury was gone and I could now take my mind off the matter, some.

We ended up spending the rest of the afternoon playing, only breaking when Shannon bugged us about tidying up the kitchen so she could prepare the dinner.

“You do know we will have to do our homework tomorrow instead, right? Otherwise Mom will nag us about it,” Sean said when we were once again seated in the living room, after dinner.

“Yeah, but I feel better, and that is an issue I’ll deal with in the morning.” I smiled and went back to concentrate on playing.

***

I called in sick at work on Monday, and Tuesday morning I decided I couldn’t avoid the issue like this forever.

When I entered the entrance hall that afternoon, I made myself as invisible as I possibly could. I changed into my uniform and went straight to the studio where I was assigned to assist. Despite my attempt to play fly on the wall, I didn’t succeed in avoiding Tamaki. I turned a corner and almost bumped into him. I tried to scoot past him with a “sorry,” but he grabbed both of my arms and I couldn’t move anywhere.

“Dom.” He looked surprised to see me. “How are you holding up?” he asked, face full of concern.

“I don’t really feel like talking about it.”

“I’m here if you need me,” he said and let go of me.

“Tamaki,” I said as he started to walk past me. “Is… Is Anikin working today?” I asked in one breath before I could regret it.

Tamaki gave a short disgusted snort. “No he’s not. And hopefully it will be some time before he’s fit to do so again.” With that he quickly wandered off leaving me clueless about what he meant.

I guessed that Tamaki’s odd comment would mean that Anikin was working at the company offices, and Wednesday morning I called the office to see if Anikin was in. I got hold of his secretary and she informed me that Anikin was in deed working at the office. I thanked her and hung up the phone before she could ask any questions. I went home before school, skipping first lesson, to pack stuff that I needed.

When Friday came I was at a point where I finally felt kind of numb, and I worked solely on routine.

I was walking with Tamaki towards the studio, I was to help out at the shooting he was doing today, looking at the floor while walking. Tamaki suddenly put at hand on my shoulder, stopping me, his hold tense.

“I’ll leave the two of you to sort this out alone.” Puzzled I looked up at him, then in the direction of his gaze; Anikin was walking towards us. Tamaki turned and left before I had a chance to object.

As I studied Anikin walking closer I felt nothing but numbness, oddly enough. Somewhere in the back of my head a little voice started screaming at me, that I should be feeling angry, sad and disappointed, but I couldn’t deal with all this and I did not care for another breakdown. So, I shoved the voice down under and calmly turned to face my lover. He stopped a few feet away, not close enough to be anywhere near my personal space, but close enough that we could talk normally.

“What the hell happened to your eye?” I asked, only now seeing the blue-black bruise around his left eye.

“Tamaki’s fist collided with it,” he said. The sound of his voice was lifeless and his face showed no emotions at all.

“He shouldn’t have done that” I felt the frown on my face but couldn’t feel the emotional part that was supposed to follow.

“I deserved it… Listen Dom, I…” he started, but I raised a hand to stop him.

“I’m not in any state of mind where I want to listen to anything you have to say.” I met his gaze and saw the sorrow there.

Anikin hesitated for a while, then sighed and asked; “Will you let me explain at all?”

I studied his face to see if maybe I would find the answer there. “I don’t know yet,” I said letting the sadness into my voice, before I turned around and left.

Another week went by without Anikin and I talking. I made sure to go home only when certain he was out. He still wasn’t working at the agency due to his black eye. But occasionally I ran into Santiago, his shootings weren’t over yet. I guessed he knew about Anikin and me, but he didn’t act like he cared much about what he’d done.

On Friday I got the news I was dreading most in this hell week of mine; I was to attend the shoot in which Santiago of all people was staring, what a way to end the week.

I was so grumpy that I made no comment when Tamaki told me Anikin was on his way. Normally I would’ve taken notice and thanked him, so I had a better chance of not running into Anikin.

I spent all the time I wasn’t running errands, trying to kill Santiago with my gaze. When it wasn’t working I at least hoped that my staring at him would in some magical way drill a hole through him.

In third break I was ordered to fetch a bunch of clothes that was missing and had to ask around to find out where they had been left. When I got back I quickly went into the dressing room to sort them out and hang them.

I heard the door and turned to see who had entered. Just my luck; Santiago. How I wished I could hurt that man, bad.

“You’ve been staring at me pretty hard during the whole shoot. What was your name again? Dominic?” His tone was very flirty and it made my skin crawl. “Anikin’s brother, wasn’t it?” I stared at him in disbelief. What? Had he missed the whole scene after he’d kissed my boyfriend? He slowly walked closer and I stepped back, but got caught against the table.

“You know, you are actually quite cute.” I was in shock at his stupidity and ignorance. How arrogant did you have to be, to think you were so special that you could pull this kind of stunt?

The next series of events happened so fast that I only just registered them happening. Santiago leaned in and in the same moment his lips collided with mine Anikin stepped through the door, pulling me out of my frozen state. I drew back my right fist and punched Santiago as hard as I was physically able to.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I pushed away from him, turning to exit the room but he grabbed my arm to hold me back.

“Come on, don’t be like that. It was just a bit of fun.” I didn’t reply to that. My knee collided with his groin before I had time to think about my action.

“You’re fired, asshole!” With those words I stormed out of the room. I didn’t even have to look, to know that Anikin was right behind me.

I walked fast, not stopping before I was in an abandoned hall in the storage area. A little short of breath I turned and met Anikin’s gaze.

“You are aware that you can’t fire my staff, right?” His tone was flat as if he was trying to hide something.

“I was hoping you would take the hint,” I grumbled, restlessly turning my side to him.

“Why?” Dear Lord, what made people so stupid today?

“Obviously because I want you to get rid of him.”

“Did you really have to be that violent with him to get that through?”

“I only did what you should’ve done in the first place… Hell, you should’ve beaten the crap out of him just now. How are you not as angry as I was? I have been longing to hurt him, bad, ever since then. How can you not… argh, whatever… I just can’t stand the sight of him, less now than then so I expect you to do something about it.” The anger flared up but I forced it down to dripping annoyance, I didn’t feel like having a fight with him here.

“…And me, I guess you can’t stand the sight of me either then?” Despite his depressing question, the hope in his voice didn’t escape me.

“That’s different, you’re my boyfriend – I love you.” The relief on Anikin’s face was clear as day, but I wasn’t trying to forgive him for cheating on me, and when he stepped forward and started to reach out for me, I stepped back.

“Don’t touch me. I’m still pissed at you.” He met my eyes but found no mercy in my gaze. I walked past him to get back to work.

A week later I left school at lunch, after receiving a phone call from Anikin’s secretary at the beginning of my break, she was worried because she couldn’t get a hold of him. He was at home sick, had been so for almost a week and apparently she needed to get his confirmation on an appointment.

The smell that hit me when I opened the front door was heavy, like the house hadn’t been aired out for ages. I took off my shoes and walked into the main area. The place was a mess, not that it was really messy, but when you’re use to at clean tidy house, it seems really messy when it’s not clean and has a few things lying around. An unfolded blanket on the couch, a jacket slung casually over the backrest of the kitchen chair, a few dishes that had not been put in the dishwasher.

I was frozen just inside the door when Anikin came around the corner from the hallway. I snapped my head around at the sound of something hitting the floor. Anikin had dropped his coffee mug at the sight of me.

“Dom…?” He quickly bent to pick up the mug, which had luckily been empty and hadn’t broken. “What are you doing here?” He asked and looked away, seeming ashamed. I could perfectly understand why. He was unshaven; it must have been at least two days since he’d last shaved. He was also dirty and didn’t look like he’d been sleeping much during the past week; however he didn’t look sick.

“I was told you were sick and hadn’t been in contact since you called in.” Even though I sounded genuinely concerned for him he wouldn’t meet my gaze.

“I’m fine. No need to worry.” He was fidgeting with the mug between his fingers.

“Clearly you’re not.” I walked towards him and gently took the mug from him, before wrapping my hand around his fingers.

“Go take a shower and freshen up. I can barely recognize you covered in all that hair.” I started to let go but Anikin grabbed my hand and our eyes met.

“Please, don’t be mad anymore – I can’t take it.”

“You cheated on me Anikin; I have every right to be angry at you.”

“I didn’t mean to…” I cut him off.

“Go take a shower Anikin” I commanded, my tone a little harsher than I’d meant it to. “You smell awful and I can’t stand to look at you like this, you look like a beast.” With this I pulled away and as Anikin went to take a shower I tidied up the house, the best I could manage in such a short time.

***

“So how did you not intend to cheat on me?” I said and folded my arms over my chest.

“He just suddenly leaned in and kissed me, and the next second you walked through the door… And when it all comes down to it, basically you cheated on me too, I remember the situations being quite similar.” Anikin was sitting on the couch and I was leaning against the dresser.

“I wasn’t the one looking like I enjoyed it.” My gaze was cold in answer to his comment, I wasn’t exactly angry that he brought it up, more like why did you even bring it up?.

“He… he used to be my lover – he was my first” My eyebrows shot up at this information, not that I was happy to hear it.

“Well, if you had just told me this earlier, maybe we wouldn’t be in this situation now.” If he had hoped for some understanding in all of this, he would be greatly disappointed.

“I thought he was dead. I… I got caught up in forgotten memories and old feelings. It’s hard to describe what it’s like to lose someone you actually love. I never meant to cheat on you, but I was so happy to see he was alive.” I could see his struggle to find the right words, and now that he actually told me this I found that I understood how he had reacted, but it was no excuse.

“Anikin —” I went to sit beside him on the couch. “It’s not only that you cheated on me, it’s the whole week before that. You brushed me off several times when I was concerned something was wrong. You didn’t let me know you weren’t coming home, just to find out the next morning that you’d stayed at a hotel with him. For all that I know you might have cheated on me then as well. How do you think I felt? Still feel? If you’d just told me all this from the beginning, when I asked you, maybe I would’ve been more understanding. But, you really hurt me. I’m angry that you would ever treat me like this, and I’m not going to easily forgive and forget. I’m going to need time, and if you love me as much as I do you, you will give it to me.” I felt the tears flow over and run down my cheeks, but when Anikin reached out to console me I pulled back, not needing it from him.

“Give me time Anikin” I rose to leave the house and Anikin didn’t try and stop me.

***

On my way home the next day I accidently came to overhear a conversation between Anikin and Santiago.

“Anikin, you are being unreasonable.” The sound of Santiago’s voice reached me around the corner.

“It’s not a question about reason, but what is most important.” Anikin sounded sad, but his voice was stern. “And that’s why I have to let you go.”

“You still have feelings for me” Santiago stated, a little too smug about it.

“No. I thought I did. But they died out a long time ago. The only one in my life now is Dominic, he is… my everything.”

“But, he is your brother.” Santiago sounded disgusted at the thought.

“Technically he’s not. We’re not blood related.”

“Come on Anikin. Don’t do this… Let’s at least stay friends.”

“I’m sorry Santiago; you ruined the chance of that when you kissed my boyfriend.” Anikin suddenly sounded harsh and agitated. “Your shoot will be taken elsewhere and I do not want you to come back here.” At the sound of approaching footsteps I quickly hid behind the nearest door until the coast was clear. Anikin was gone but I didn’t manage to avoid Santiago, who shot me a murderous gaze as I passed by him. The voice inside my head started screaming “LOSER” with all it’s might, however I settled by sending him a smug grin to get the message across.

After that I didn’t see Santiago again and Anikin started modeling again the following Monday.

***

“I heard he had problems with his lover, but I didn’t think it was that bad. He hasn’t had a decent shot since he came back.” I overheard two stage-setters conversation on my way to the studio. It sounded like they were discussing Anikin, so I slowed my pace as I passed by them.

“Makes one wonder; is his time of glory over? And he isn’t even that old.” The tall woman shook her head. I took a look at my watch and decided I had time to run by the studio where Anikin was shooting.

I carefully opened the door and entered. Seeing Tamaki standing by the sideline, waiting for his turn, I gave a slight nod in greeting and stopped at his side to watch.

Two shots later, they had a short break, to take a look at the photo series. Anikin and the photographer discussed for a moment while pointing here and there on the laptop screen. With a frustrated sigh and dejected posture Anikin went back to the setting to stand in front of the camera.

“What’s going on?” I whispered to Tamaki.

“It’s their third try to get a photo in this series. Anikin is getting tired and frustrated because none of the pictures are worth using. I took a look myself but they are not even close.” he whispered back. And now that he mentioned it I could see it. Anikin was not his usual self; he was pale and stiff, and his smile didn’t reach his eyes.

I thought about all the things that had happened during the past month, and as I realized that I was not angry anymore I found my feet moving on their own, bringing me towards Anikin.

I barely registered the protesting voices when I stepped into the middle of their shoot and wrapped my arms around Anikin, burying my face in his chest. God I could never get enough of his smell, and how I’d missed it.

Anikin put his hands lightly on my shoulders, as if he didn’t know what to do.

“Is it over now?” He asked in a gentle, shaky voice. I nodded and hugged him tighter.

“Oh, thank God.” He wrapped his arms around me and rested his cheek on top of my head.

In my arms Anikin slowly relaxed and for a moment I thought he was going to collapse as his weight got heavy on my shoulders, but he remained standing.

We stayed embracing for a while until the photographer cleared his throat. “I’m sorry to ruin the moment, but we have a job to finish.” I pulled back and Anikin reluctantly let go of me.

“I’ll see you at home.” With a shy smile I stepped back and walked away, after all I still had a job to do myself. At the door I stopped and turned around and saw Tamaki gave me the thumbs up at the same moment. My eyes fell on Anikin, my heart fluttered at that breathtaking smile on his face, which I loved so much. With a calm heart and butterflies of happiness in my stomach I walked through the door.