Death is Not an Option - 11. Chapter 11

It’s been hard; so very hard. The first time I woke up I was confused. I couldn’t make sense of what was going on and the pain was bad, like a vice around my heart. And then there were the dreams. I dreamed about Caleb. Sometimes he was strangling me or smothering me with a pillow or drowning me... every time I came awake gasping for breath and so terrified I couldn’t move or scream. I could never manage to hold on to it, to the light, to consciousness. Always I fell immediately back into the nightmare.

It was hard. It was sooo hard. I thought it would never end and the fear got worse and worse. I was not aware enough to reason with myself, to see reason or sense in any of it... all there was, was the fear.

The fear is so real, so overwhelming. Fear of Caleb, fear of the darkness, fear of being alone. I am so lost I don’t even know who ‘me’ is any more. Everywhere there is darkness and loneliness. I don’t know which way to go. I don’t know which way to turn. I want to scream. I want to cry for help but there is no one to hear, no one to come, no one to care.

I look around at the darkness and wonder which way I should go. The indecision is paralysing and I have not moved at all for a very long time. There is a sound in the darkness, rhythmic, like the beat of a drum. I listen to it. I hear the music in it but it means nothing to me. It has nothing to do with me, nothing to connect it with me so I don’t look for it, I don’t try to find it. I just stand still and spin.

Sometimes I hear voices, snatches of conversation, a name, a word. But the voices mean nothing to me either. They are not important, not relevant to my dilemma. A name rises like a dream from the mist. Ruth. Yes, I know Ruth. I know she is nearby. I know she is someone who cares. But I also know that she can’t help me, can’t touch me. She is part of the loneliness, part of the pain and I don’t want it any more. If I knew which direction she was in I would walk the other way.

If only I could be sure that Caleb wasn’t out there somewhere, waiting for me, I would run, run away from the voices, run away from the world, run away from the pain. And yet. I tried that didn’t I? I tried to escape. I tried. Didn’t I? Didn’t I? I have been there, been into the darkness and there was nothing there for me. I came back. Why did I come back?

It’s hard to think; hard to remember; hard to care. Caleb.... he is the only thing that makes an impression on me. The only thing that I know is that I fear him. He is out there, somewhere in the darkness and he is coming for me. I am so cold, so afraid, so lost, so..... I run. I no longer care which direction I am running in, I am so disoriented I couldn’t have said anyway. I am running away from the fear, away from the pain, away from the loneliness.

The fear is all around me, pulsating in the darkness. It has a reddish tinge and I am spinning again, terrified of what is behind me, afraid of there being a behind me. It is disorienting me again. I am so alone. I am helpless.

NO!!! I am NOT helpless, I am NOT lost. I am Isaac. I am strong. I will not run any more. I will not be afraid any more. I will be myself and myself will be enough.

As soon as I make the decision to stand still I see a light ahead, it is getting brighter. At first I fear it. I am afraid of facing it, afraid of what the light brings with it. Here, in the darkness, here at least I am safe. Here no one can touch me, no one can reach me. But wasn’t I afraid of the darkness just now?

Oh God I am so confused. Where does the danger lie? In the darkness or the light? Oh well, looks like there’s nothing for it anyway... the light is getting brighter, closer and I can’t stop now, can’t bring back the darkness. I think it was not so safe anyway, not any more.

With the light comes sound, voices, equipment.... I am suddenly very tired. I don’t want to face the voices and what they have to say. I recognise Ruth. I would recognise her anywhere. She is here for me. She is always here for me, always has been but... she thinks....I stop, surprised. I am so caught up in the thought that I don’t pay attention to the light any more, to the sounds.

Ruth loves me. I know it. I have always known it; not always recognised it but always known it. And I thought that I loved her. In a safe and comfortable way I have always imagined that sometime, somehow we would be together. It was not something I have ever consciously thought of but just something that has always been there, like an awareness. And now.....

We kissed. I remember that. I remember kissing her, and holding her in my arms, my face pressed against her corn gold hair. It was nice. It was pleasant. It was safe. None of the things that came to mind when I think about Ruth are exciting things, none of them make my pulse race or my mind expand, or.....

I am not in love with Ruth. The realisation hits me like a brick. I have known for a while, hadn’t I spoken to that doctor about it. Oh God! I have spoken to that doctor about altogether too much. Too much for him to know. Too much for me to face. Because.... because... it is more than just that I don’t love Ruth... much more.

“Isaac?”

I am caught by surprise, in the middle of my thought. I would have kept my eyes closed, turned my head away but I am caught by surprise and I open my eyes.

Ruth’s face is anxious, and beyond her Jacob... her mirror. I smile inside. It’s alright. I don’t love Ruth but Jacob does, beautiful, steady, calm, beautiful Jacob. Oh shit. Too many beautifuls in that thought. The smile bubbles out.

“What’s so funny? Are you feeling better?”

Shit. Have to be careful. I can’t.... I can’t even... not even to myself. Can I?

“Ruth.”

“Yeah, it’s me. I’ve been so scared Zac. I thought....”

She is crying. I hate to see her cry. I hate to see anyone cry. Am I going to make her cry? When I tell her will I make her cry?

“Ruth I....”

“It’s alright. It’s okay now. You’re going to be alright now. You’re strong and you are going to be alright.”

“Yeah. I know. I know but... Ruth I...”

“What’s wrong?”

“I.... you and... and...” I know I’m not making sense. It doesn’t make sense. None of it makes sense. Ruth is beautiful, she’s funny, she’s brave... why can’t I...? Why do I...? My head is hurting. It makes thinking hard. Why is thinking so hard?

I want to tell her. I want to tell her how I feel. I want to tell her that I love her, I love her dearly and I always will...but not like that, not like she wants me to, not like she loves me. It is so important. Because if I don’t tell her she will go on thinking... and that wouldn’t be fair.

“Not fair.”

“What’s not fair? I mean... I know that none of this is fair. It’s all been unfair but which bit are you talking about?”

I look at her closely. There is something wrong with her face. No....no, it’s not her face, it’s my eyes. There is something wrong with my eyes. They are making everything go blurry and strange. Or maybe it’s not my eyes, maybe it's my head. Maybe there is something wrong with my head and that’s why it’s hurting, why it’s so hard to think.

“Um....”

“Is everything alright Zac? Do you need me to call someone?”

“No.”

“No what? Which question were you answering?”

Which indeed? Is everything alright? No, nothing is right. Everything is upside down again. Now I don’t have to worry about the lies, the treachery, the loneliness... now I have something else to think about, to worry about. My head is spinning. I try to lift my hand but it is hard, not because it’s tied down any more.... is it? No, I’m sure they took the straps away... at least I think so... I think....

“Isaac? Are you okay?”

Okay? Am I? “I....” I close my eyes, swept by a wave of dizziness, and I can’t open them again. I can’t.... I can’t....

“Isaac? Zac?”

I can feel her touching me, touching my arm, my face but I can’t do anything about it. Oh well. I’m drifting, I know it and it’s pleasant. I feel warm and comfortable and safe...safe... hey yeah... I’m safe. Caleb’s gone. I remember now. They told me that.

“Caleb’s.... gone.”

“Yes... yes he is Zac. He can’t hurt you any more. You’re safe.”

“Safe.”

“Yes. You’re safe. Safe with us. We’ll take care of you Zac. I promise we will take care of you.”

“No.” I don’t want her to take care of me. I don’t want either of them to take care of me. I want them to take care of each other, not me, not me. I can take care of me. Haven’t done the best job of it lately but.... “Um... Ruth...”

“Ssh. You sound tired. Don’t....”

“No... no I....” I have to stop for a moment to concentrate on getting my eyes open again. I need to be looking into her eyes when I tell her. It’s only fair. I take a deep breath and...and just... just... “Ruth, I don’t love you.” There. Done. “I... you... my friend... but...”

“Sssh. It’s alright. I know. It’s okay Zac. I know.”

“You.... do?” What? What does she know? What....?

Ruth strokes my hair and it feels so good. Her fingers are cool. I hadn’t noticed how hot my face feels until she strokes it with those cool fingers. How I wish that I could respond in the way she wants me too. But I have changed too much, more than she could possibly know.... or have I? Have I changed or have I always been this way, unknowing? Have I always been...?

“You have always been too big Zac. Too big for the farm, too big for the community and too big for me. You were always going to leave Zac, always going to make more of yourself, your life, always going to leave me. I knew that. I have always known that. It’s okay. I’ll be okay. I have Jay.”

I am genuinely surprised. She is crying but... but she is okay. She is going to be okay. It is such a huge relief. I had thought that I was going to hurt her, to hurt her so much and it was eating away at me, which is why I had to tell her. I had to tell her now. And now it’s okay. It’s okay.

I let my eyes slide past her to Jacob. He is looking very uncertain. It occurs to me to wonder whether he knows.... the look he is giving me is very strange. Or is it me? Is it me who is strange? He has beautiful eyes, but.... I close my eyes again.

“I know. It’s good.”

“Will you come back... just for a little while? Will you come back for a little while?”

“I... don’t want to.”

“Why? We are your friends.”

“I don’t want to. I’m not....” How can I tell her that I am afraid? I am afraid to go back because I can’t go back. I can’t be the person I was when I was there. I have not been that person, not for a long time. Maybe never. God I’m getting confused. Things are.... all mixed up. “Where am I?”

“Zac? Zac....”

Her voice fades and I am glad to welcome the darkness, it is simpler, easier when I don’t have to think, to face things, to face what has happened to me. Ahhh.. darkness... but it isn’t. It isn’t just darkness because the dreams are back. I have always cherished my dreams. In my dreams I have always been free... but not any more. Now my dreams are dark, they are filled with fear and uncertainty. Where will I go? What will I do? What am I?

The darkness shifts and lightens. The light is growing and, with it my confusion. There is a breeze on my face, the scent of roses in the air. What? Where am I? Where am I?

It seems to be a garden, a beautiful garden, laid out with well kept lawns and rose beds. There is a sparkle on the horizon and a slight salty tang in the air. I turn around and behind me the garden spreads out into the distance. It is all around. I can see the grass beneath my feet, the cerulean blue of the sky over my head. I can feel the breeze, smell the flowers. But I am not here. I can’t be here. Can I? Surely I couldn’t have forgotten getting here. Surely I would have remembered something between going to sleep in the hospital and... No... this has to be a dream.

Movement in the distance catches my attention and I look up to see a figure approaching. It is a woman, a woman whose golden hair catches the sun and blazes around her head. She is wearing white, a floating diaphanous dress. Now I know this must be a dream.

As she comes closer I can see that the woman is Ruth. I am even more surprised. When she sees me she starts to run and she doesn’t stop until she is in my arms, almost knocking me off my feet.

“Zac... oh Zac it is so good to see you. I have missed you so much. Are you all better now?” Am I? I somehow doubt it but the evidence appears to state otherwise. I feel as if I could run all day, as if I could take on the world. I feel wonderful. I am about to tell her this when, suddenly she is kissing me. She has her arms around my neck and, although I try to pull away she is too strong, remarkably strong, and I can’t get free.

The kiss deepens and Ruth presses herself against me, her body soft and yielding. I have never experienced anything like this before, never been so close to anyone, never been kissed like this. I find it uncomfortable and yet....

I managed to pull myself away from her. “Ruth.”

“Ssh. Isn’t this what you want? Isn’t this what you have always wanted? I have seen you look at me. I have seen the look in your eyes, as if you are seeing me through my clothes, or at least as if you want to.”

“Ruth, this is.... this is not right....”

“Why not? I love you Isaac. I have always loved you. And now... now we are going to both get what we want.” She moves her hand down, slides it between us and....

“No. Stop. This isn’t right. I... I can’t Ruth.”

“Why not? Tell me it isn’t what you want, what you have always wanted.”

“It isn’t. It isn’t what I want. Not now. Not like this. Not...”

Ruth frowned, pouting. “Not with me. That’s what you were going to say isn’t it? You don’t want to do it with me.”

“No. No, I don’t. I’m sorry.”

“But why? You loved me. You’ve always loved me. We’ve been in love for such a long time.”

“No. No we haven’t. We haven’t Ruth. We’ve been friends, very close friends and I have always loved you, always but.... but I wasn’t in love with you. I’m not in love with you.”

“But why? Why not? Aren’t I beautiful?”

“Yes, you are. You are beautiful, very beautiful but.... I’m not in love with you. I’m just not in love with you Ruth.”

“But....”

I step away from her, pushing her away. “I’m sorry Ruth. I know what you want and I can’t give it to you.”

“Then who? Who can you give it to?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t met them yet.”

“Maybe... maybe I can help you.” I spin around. I hadn’t heard anyone come up. It’s Jacob. His eyes are soft, uncertain, like they always are. He looks at me through his hair which falls over his eyes. His head is lowered, his look inviting.

“What? What the hell is this?”

“This is you Zac. It’s all about you. We want to help you. We love you.”

“I...”

Before I can say anything Jacob moves, so fast I am completely taken by surprise. Suddenly I am in his arms and he is kissing me. It is completely different to the way Ruth held me, the way she kissed me. His body feels different against mine. He is strong. At first I tense, rigid in his arms but then... then....

One hand is at the back of my head, buried in my hair, and the other in the small of my back, pulling me hard against him. His lips are firm and strong, taking control of me, forcing mine apart so that his tongue can probe, gently at first then more strongly, with more certainty.

I am melting, my body flowing against his, drawing strength from him. If it were not for his arm around me I would have fallen, my knees are so weak. I am trembling all over. Oh God. Oh God what’s happening to me?

Suddenly realising what I am doing I try to pull away but Jacob is holding me too tightly. If I had been unable to break free from Ruth I had no chance with him. He moves his hand from the back of my head, down to grasp my buttocks firmly, pulling me in to him and... and... It feels right. God help me it feels so right...and so wrong at the same time.

At last I manage to break free and stagger backwards, falling to one knee. They are both standing there and they are laughing at me. They stand over me and laugh at me, their eyes accusing. And then they turn to each other. They embrace. They kiss. They... they are all over each other, their hands wandering, exploring. I can’t watch.

I get to my feet and walk away. I can hear them, hear their moans, their cries. They have forgotten me. Even though I have my back to them, even though I am walking away I can’t forget them. I can’t forget what happened. I cannot make sense of it. I don’t know what it means.

“It means that I was right about you.”

I spin. Ruth and Jacob are gone. The garden is gone. There is nothing but blackness, a blackness shot with red. Caleb is like an angel, an avenging angel. His eyes are red, filled with flame.

“What? How? You... you are... you are....”

“Am I? I am here. You are here. You... you...”

“What? What am I? What were you right about?” I am shouting at him, focusing the rage, the hatred.

“You are a wicked man Isaac, rotten to the core. Just like your father... your mother too. They were sinful and they have passed that sin on to you. You are evil. You pollute everything you touch. You have destroyed your community, your friends. You sickness pervades them all.”

“You’re insane.”

“Am I? Look into my eyes and tell me that you have not sinned. Sinned in thought and deed.”

“I....”

“Look at me Isaac. Look at me.”

I have to look, I am compelled. The burning fire in his eyes flares and draws me in and before I know it I am in his arms and he is holding me in a vice like grip, his grinning face inches from my own.

“I was right about you, Isaac, right. I told them you were a sinner. I told them you were sick and evil and that your evil would run like a blight through the community, like a sickness of the soul. Look deeply Isaac, look and see what you have done.”

The flames flicker and burn, scouring my soul. Subtly they change and I am looking at pictures of burning buildings, burning fields. I see my home, my community in flames. People are running from them but they cannot run fast enough the flames pursue and then consume them. I watch in horror as the flesh is melted from their bones, their pleading eyes, their gaping mouths. My nose is filled with the scent of burning flesh, my ears with the sound of screams... and they are screaming my name.

“No.” I will not let him do this to me. This is a dream and it is my dream. It is not Caleb who is doing this to me. I am doing it to myself. It is my fear; my confusion; my pain. “No... I will not allow you to do this. I will not let myself think like this. I will not allow myself to feel like this. This is not real. You are not real.”

“I’m real enough Isaac. I may be a dream but I can assure you I am your worst nightmare. You have sinned. You have tried to take your own life and you have partaken of the sins of the flesh. You are unclean.”

“No. No I’m not. I have never... I haven’t not... not willingly.”

“Haven’t you? Was there no time? No time at all when you were willing, when you wanted it, when you welcomed it?”

“No. I mean yes. I mean... no there were no times, none. I was raped. I was not willing.”

“There were times you didn’t fight.”

“I... I was... I was beaten. I was afraid.”

“You welcomed it. It was the only thing that stopped the pain, that stopped the fear for a time. You wanted it. You wanted the physical closeness, the physical pain. You wanted to not feel so alone. You wanted it.”

“I... Yes, sometimes I... sometimes... But... I... I couldn’t... there I was nothing I could have done to stop it.”

“Maybe not. But you could have stopped thinking about it. When you were alone. When you were in your room alone. You could have stopped wondering what it would be like to be touched by another man, not in anger but in love. You looked at them and you wondered.”

“I...”

“You have always looked at men like that, always wondered.”

“I... I ... maybe... I don’t... know.”

“You are unclean Isaac. You are an abomination in the sight of God.”

“To hell with that. Fuck God. God abandoned me. You all did. To hell with you all. I will not feel guilt for who and what I am. I will not let you... me... anyone convince me that to love is wrong... no matter who it is I love. If... if it is... if I am... If I am... gay then so be it. I will not apologise. I will not feel guilty. I will not answer to you or to any God. I will answer only to myself and I will not be afraid.

“Abomination. Abominaaashshshun.” Caleb draws his head away from me. I stare in horror as his face changed, his teeth elongate, his head flattens. His cold dead eyes are the only thing that remains the same as I find myself no longer in the arms of a man but caught in the glistening coils of a giant snake.

“No.”

“I tried to bring you peassssss Issssssaac. I gave you a gift and you threw it back at me. Rejoisssssss for I will besssstow it on you again, for the lasssssst time.”

I watch in horrified fascination as the head rears above me, hypnotised by the gentle swaying, the glittering eyes. I feel like I am sinking, falling but then the head strikes forwards and the teeth plunge into my chest, again and again and again.

“Isaac. Isaac sweetheart, you are dreaming. Wake up now. Wake up Isaac. Calm down now. Calm down.”

The pain in my chest is very real as I struggle to throw off the coils of the snake, the clinging, cloying coils that are squeezing the life out of me. The darkness is fading, still shot with flashes of red.

“Isaac, you have to calm down. You’re getting too upset. You have to calm down Isaac. Can you hear me?”

I can’t speak, can't tell her that I am being choked to death by a snake, by Caleb by... by... by my own fears, my own confusion. With one last spasm I throw off the snake which falls hissing into the flames. The darkness bursts into red fire and my eyes fly open.

Already the pain is receding, the redness fading from my vision and my fear with it. My heart is pounding, I can feel it hammering in my chest and, at first, it is hard to breathe but then, slowly the hammering recedes, the fire in my chest dies.

“Are you alright now?”

“I...think so. I... I’m sorry.”

“Sorry. Don’t be silly, you have nothing to be sorry for.”

I look at her, look into her sparkling eyes and feel a smile begin deep within. “No... no I don’t.”