Death is Not an Option - 17. Chapter 17

Waking up again. But this time is... different. This time is warm and comfortable and... sweet. The heady scent of lilac drifts in through the window, wafted on a warm breeze along with the distant sounds of cattle lowing in the field behind the...behind the...the... My eyes snap open and there is no way I can stop the stupid grin spreading over my face.

The room is unremarkable in the way of spare rooms the world over. But this one... this one is so much more. This one is mine, all mine. Jon says I can decorate it in any way I want. The smile deepens. Jon says... my brother says... my brother...

This last week has been a hell of a journey. I started it with nothing, less than nothing and now I have more than I have ever had, more than I have ever dreamed I could have. I have a family.

Suddenly it hits me, then hits me again. I am here... in Jon and Sean’s house. I am not in hospital any more. Sean drove us here yesterday. I met my grandmother yesterday, and Jon’s mother. They are so sweet. They talked about my father, and showed me photographs, so many photographs. I have seen him in every stage of his life from fuzzy baby, through toothy schoolboy to rebellious teen, college graduate, doting father until, at the end, he was as I had seen him in my most precious possession... my own photograph which I had shown to my grandmother and the woman I had so quickly come to think of as my aunt.

They were beautiful to me. They were perfect. They were my family. They had both been so sweet, stuffing me with chocolate and home made cake so I came from there feeling slightly sick. To be fair the cake was not the only think that was making me feel sick... it was mainly the fact that they had told me that today they will be throwing a party for me. I will be meeting all my family... all at once. The though scares me, to be truthful it scares the hell out of me but how can I say no? They have all been so kind, so very kind.

And it gets worse. Jaden’s grandmother...erm...Gwen I think her name is... anyway, she didn’t stop when she found my father’s family, she pressed on and found my mother’s too. They are Irish and live in Ireland but my grandmother, apparently, went nuts when she found out about me and she is coming over for the party. I suppose she will be here by now... by ‘here’ I mean in the country.

I’m really not sure I’m up to this. I overheard Jon telling my grandmother exactly that last night. I had gone to the loo and I went into the bathroom to wash my hands and heard them talking in the kitchen. He said that he thought it might be too much for me. I was angry with him at the time but now I’m not so sure he wasn’t right.

It hasn’t been easy, this last week. It hasn’t been a matter of waking up one day and being all better. At first I was weak as a kitten and I still feel like that sometimes. The first time they let me get out of bed I had to have Jon help me just to sit in the chair and, for a couple of days I had to go down to the cafe in a wheelchair and the first time I walked they had to go and get a chair to take me back. I hated that. I hated feeling helpless and weak. Now I won’t show them. I think maybe Jon knows that because I keep catching him looking at me and he keeps asking me how I feel. At least now I do feel, even if that is a mixed blessing.

Was it really only two days ago that I couldn’t walk to the end of the corridor without feeling dizzy and sick? Ever since I started to be more aware of my body and how it was feeling I chafed to be out of bed, out of the hospital and that drove me to recover my strength far more quickly than anyone expected. The moment they stopped monitoring me with the bloody heart machine, clucking every time it hiccupped, I started pushing myself. Sometimes it hurt, it hurt a lot but I didn’t say a word. No way were they going to tie me down in that bed again.

Jon knew, I think. When he was there he made me go more slowly, take more rests, kept asking if I was okay? If I was in pain? Of course I lied but he saw right through me. I have never been good at lying. When he wasn’t there, now that was a different matter and I was practically jogging the corridors by the time they let me leave. I would hide in cupboards when the pain hit, until it stopped and I was okay again. No one ever caught me and the pain is getting better all the time.

I still don’t feel strong, not like I used to. I still get dizzy spells and times when the weakness washes over me so that I can’t think, can’t focus, have to sit down or fall down until it passes... and I still have the pain. The pain is insidious, it is everywhere, especially in my arm and my chest, although that is getting less and less, although it is also in my back, shoulders, wrists and everywhere they pierced and prodded me. People keep telling me that it is early days, that I am improving fast and that I should be patient. I have never been patient... not with myself.

Ah well. It is glorious to stretch out and luxuriate in the sunshine streaming through the window of ‘my’ room, fragrant with the scent of lilac. I have always loved lilac. There used to be a tree outside my room at the community... until Caleb had it cut down. He said it was because the roots were undermining the foundations of the house but now I wonder whether it was because he found out how much I loved its smell, especially in the early morning.

Not that it is early morning now. By the look of the sun it is late, very late, maybe even past noon. I think that I ought to get up. I think it but I do nothing. It is too good just lying here.

“Isaac?” There is a gentle tap at the door. “Isaac, are you awake?”

I groan inwardly. I suddenly don’t want to be awake. I don’t want to face this day. I don’t want to face them. I am scared. I don’t know why I’m scared but I am. It’s just too much. Why can’t they just leave me alone for a while? I am happy here, here in this house, in the room, my room. My room is safe. I can find myself here.

“Yeah. I’m awake.”

The door opens and Sean’s smiling face appears.

“Did you sleep okay?”

“Like a log. Just woke up.”

“You look it. I didn’t want to disturb you but we have visitors. Your grandmother’s here with your cousins.”

“My grandmother?”

“Your Irish grandmother.”

She’s here? My mother’s mother is here? My Irish grandmother is here? It takes a while to sink in. “Erm...”

“She came here straight from the ferry. She got the address from your other grandmother and thought that it would be better for both of you if you met before the party. I think she’s right.”

Sean’s voice is low, his tone conspiratorial and suddenly it feels... normal. My grandmother has come to visit me.

The grin is back and it is so wide it is making my cheeks ache. “What is she like?”

“She seems very nice. She’s little and dark and doesn’t look old enough to be anyone’s grandmother. Your cousins are a little... erm... Irish.”

“What does that mean?”

“You’ll see.”

“How many of them are there?” The look on his face throws me into a panic as I have visions of dozens of red headed and bearded leprechauns dancing in their neat little living room.

“Only your grandmother and two cousins but they... sort of fill up space, if you know what I mean.” I don’t but I smile and nod because it’s easier and then Sean winks and is gone.

I stretch just one more time, breathing the lilac scent deeply. Then I reluctantly throw off the covers and sit up on the edge of the bed, pausing as a wave of dizziness sweeps over me. It happens now and again, especially when I am stressed and I can say with absolute honesty that right now I am feeling very stressed.

It doesn’t take long to choose what I am going to wear because I don’t have much to choose from. Jon and Sean went shopping for me before I came home... I have to pause and allow myself a warm little feeling over that thought... home... and I am very grateful to them. I have half a dozen pairs of jeans and lots of tshirts, as well as new underwear, shoes and socks. I have new clothes to wear to the party tonight too. Jon asked me what I would like and we talked about it for a while, but I didn’t really feel that I could tell him what I wanted when he was the one who was going to be doing the choosing, and more importantly the paying. In the end he got me what he would like and it’s okay... not really me though, but that’s my fault for not saying what I want.

The first thing that hits me as I walk into the living room is that I am entirely under dressed. My grandmother is dressed in ordinary, old lady clothes, but my cousins... my cousins are... are... Shit, I am staring but I can’t stop myself. For some reason I had expected little girls... but these were neither little, nor girls.

I am both struck dumb and paralysed by the sight of the two young men lounging indolently against the mantle, vying with each other to take up most space. Both are tall, maybe even taller than me, and well built in an athletic rather than muscle bound way. One has short, spiky, flaming red hair, a high freckled complexion and the greenest eyes I have ever seen and the other is as dark as I am, with long hair that tumbles in wild loose curls over his shoulders, and sparkling blue eyes. They are wild and alien and... beautiful.

“Ah der ye are. And there was me thinking you were some kind of myth.”

The man’s voice is as strange and beautiful as he is. A rich singsong, thick with an accent that entrances me. I can barely understand what he is saying but I want him to speak again, just to hear the sound of it.

He peers at me, curiosity written all over his face, which was initially split with a broad smile. The smile is fading slightly. “Are ye alright now? They said you weren’t too well but I hadn’t realised they meant in the head.”

“Behave yerself now boys. Sure and Isaac has enough to think about without two hot headed eejits taking the mick.”

“Sorry grandma. Didn’t mean ter be vexing no one.”

“Shush now Declan. Isaac, pay no heed to them, they’re grand lads but a bit hot headed and it’s been a long trip, right enough. Come let me take a look at yer boy.”

With what I have to admit is a great deal of difficulty I pry my eyes away from my smirking cousins and look at my grandmother properly for the first time. The sight of her brings tears to my eyes. She is a tiny woman who hardly reaches up to my chest but the look in her eyes is pure steel. It’s not that which has me tearing up thought, it’s the fact that she could have walked straight out of my photograph. I would have known her anywhere.

“Ah bejasus you’re yer mother’s boy, and ain’t that reet? You’re pure much like her, makes me old heart bleed ter see ya. ‘Tis like seein’ Eileen come cold from her grave ter stand and look at me with that same old look in her eyes. Come here boy and give yer old granny a hug.”

And she is hugging me. I’m still just standing here, numb, staring at Sean over her head. I must look like a complete idiot and that is pretty much how I feel. I can barely understand one word in five and the ones that seem familiar are made alien by the accent. Everything is surreal. These people are so different from me that they seem like they are from another planet and not just another country... technically not even that.

When she finishes hugging me she looked up into my face and grins a grin that makes her look even more like my inner picture of my mother.

“Well don’t just stand there catchin’ flies boy. Say somet’ing.”

“Er... hello.”

The two boys explode into laughter and my cheeks begin to burn but, at one look from my grandmother they choke it back and start pretending to cough, although the occasional snigger sneaks out.

“Why don’t you take Isaac out into the garden Sioban? I’ll get Declan and Connor a beer and we’ll join you in a minute.”

“Now ain’t that just the best idea I’ve heard since I’ve been here? You’re the man Sean.” I look up and a grinning Declan is following Sean towards the kitchen. Connor, though is still looking at me with a strange, calculating look in his sparkling blue eyes, although the smirk is still firmly in place on his lips.

“Get yer arse in gear Con or I’ll be drinking all the beer before ya get here.”

With a final, almost feral smirk Connor pushes himself away from the fireplace very slowly and deliberately and turns like a cat to disappear into the kitchen. I am completely dazzled by the both of them, and scared to death. As Sean had warned they were so... so... big.

“Come on me darlin’. Don’t you be bearing them no mind. They’re good boys. They’re just funning with yer.”

I let her lead me out into the garden feeling completely stunned. I have been feeling like this a lot lately. Just when I think I am getting used to what’s going on something else happens and I am thrown again. It occurs to me that my cousins are going to be at the party tonight and my stomach plummets. The thought of those cool blue eyes watching my every move makes me feel very strange indeed. I was nervous enough without them. Now it is a hundred times worse.

Grandma sinks down on the long seat under the lilac tree and we sit in companionable silence for a while and stare out over the fields.

“Your mother was a beautiful girl. She was me pride ye know. A little piece of me died the day she left. I knew that she wouldn’t be coming back. We were travellers in the day, Roma. Me own grandma were a wise woman, respected in all the tribes. It was said that when she was a girl she could turn a man to stone with a flash of her eyes. It were true an’ all, in a manner of speaking.

“I think your mother had her blood. By the time she was born we had left the travelling behind, settled down in a real house an’ all. She always had the yearning in her. She loved to go to the fayres. She’d always fetch up with the old uns, listening to the stories. I knew then she would be off out there in the world far too soon.

“She were fourteen when she left. She fell for a Roma with a roving eye and hands to match. He swept her off her feet and the day after the fayre I found a note pinned to her pillow and her bedroom window open. He broke her heart of course. She wrote letters full of fire and love and then just the fire. She left him in Sligo and hitched to the coast. Got a hankerin for the mainland and stowed away on the ferry.

“Next I heard she had met a man with a dream. She were always a sucker for a dream. They were going to build themselves a corner of heaven and hide away safe from the world. His name was Caleb and she loved him with a passion for a while.”

She looks at me sideways when I flinch. Even though I am hungry for the facts, the truth, the reality of her life, it still comes as a shock to hear his name, to know that she loved him, at least for a time. Grandma pats my hand.

“Be easy now boy. The love didn’t last long. He was a strong man and she needed that did Eileen, she was headstrong and fiery. But too heavy a yolk was always going to drive her away, and he tried to break her, to tame her spirit with force and not a gentle hand. He became abusive and violent and she wrote to me of how her poor heart was breaking under the weight of it.

“When your father came along he saved her in so many ways. He was good for her. He was a good man. He tamed her in the right way... with love.”

“I... never knew them, either of them. My father died before I was born and my mother when I was very young. I don’t remember either of them, not at all. Someone gave me a photograph recently and it was the first time I can remember that I have ever seen their faces.”

“That must have been hard.”

“It was... strange. There has been so much in the last few weeks that has been hard, some more than others.” I look at her and she smiles at me, her dark eyes, so like my mother’s twinkling. She is so easy to talk to, to open up to. It takes no effort at all. “I have never missed them, hardly ever thought of them. Is that wrong?”

“Wrong? Who am I to tell you how to think boy? Who am I to tell you what’s right and wrong for ye?” I duck my head and she cups her hand under my chin and lifts it again so she can look into my eyes. “It’s not wrong Isaac. To not miss someone you have never known is not a fault.”

There are tears in my eyes and I pull away so I can turn my head and she can’t see them.

“’Tis no shame to mourn the not knowing either. You are a sensitive soul, just like yer Ma. Don't hide from it Isaac, embrace it. Laugh when you will, cry when you will and answer to no one for either. That is what I have always taught my boys and they have learned the lessons well.”

Yeah right. There is NO way that I can picture either Declan or Connor breaking down in tears no matter what. But I smile politely nonetheless, and nod. Grandma reaches out and puts her hand over mine.

“You are a beautiful boy Isaac. I can sense your soul. Your mother would be very proud. I am very proud.”

Oh great. Here come the ‘boys’. They are laughing and shouting and drinking and they walk in... or out... just as I am sitting like a fish out of water, with my mouth opening and closing and uncontrollable tears running down my cheeks.

“Watcha bin doin to him Grandma? He looks like he’s melting, sure he does.”

“Away with you now. We’ve been talking about the poor boy’s dead mother. A bit of respect from yous is too much to ask now?”

“Sorry Grandma.” Declan subsides but he winks at me before he turns away to talk to Sean.

Connor has said nothing. I look up at him and his blue eyes are impassive. He hands me a glass of foaming liquid. It is cold and I take a deep drink, partly because I am thirsty and partly to hide my confusion and embarrassment. I pray for the earth to open up and swallow me but, as it always does at such times, it stubbornly refuses to do so even when the cool amber liquid which had looked so inviting hits the back of my throat and burns so bad I start coughing and choking, spraying beer all over Connor who dances backwards wiping at his shirt which is soaked.

“Ah, fer feck’s sake ya fecking eedjit. Have yer never drunk beer before?”

Through streaming eyes I peer at his distorted shape and shake my head, praying all the more for that earthquake that never comes. My face is burning and I want nothing more than to run away but I am frozen, held immobile by sheer humiliation.

“Not everyone’s like you Connor O’Donnell. One o these days yer’ll be pickled so yer will. Isaac’s a good boy. Brought up right, so he was. I’ll be thanking yer to have a little respect for that.”

“Respect? Aye well... in my book respect is earned. The benefit of the doubt is all he’ll be getting from me ‘till he earns more.”

“Connor O’Donnell! Isaac is kin o mine and don’t you be forgetting it. You show the due respect or your arse will be on a plane back home so fast you won’t feel the wind of its passing. And you know what waitin yer there.”

Connor scowls and gives me a look that tells me nothing but that I am in for a bad time with both my cousins and I haven’t even done anything to deserve it. Life just keeps on getting better and better.

“As you say Grandma.”

“Indeed. Behave yourself now.”

Suddenly Connor grins and it is so dazzling I stare open mouthed like an idiot. “Sure and I always do...it’s just that sometimes I behave badly.”

“Get on with yer now. And don’t yer be thinking that smile of yours is going to get yer out of all the trouble you have such a knack for getting yerself into.”

“You love me really Grandma.”

“You better believe it. Now go rescue Sean, the poor boys being moithered half to death by that reprobate Declan.

I really, really want to run now. I want to be anywhere except here. I don’t know why I feel so bad. It has never been particularly important to me that people like me but... well this is family and I have the feeling that it is going to take a lot to redeem myself with Declan and Connor. They think I’m a gauche, simple idiot... and they are probably right.

My grandmother is a darling. She is looking at me with the shrewdest look I have ever seen. She is thinking of what to say, I know it. But there isn’t anything she can say that will make a blind bit of difference to the way I feel. I have blown it big time with those two and it is killing me especially because... well because... because. I stare at Connor’s broad, black clad back, the shiny, bouncing, bouncy curls and I feel... I feel...

“It’ll be alright Isaac, sure it will. They’re feisty lads but they have kind hearts, the two of them. Give it time and ye’ll be fine friends in no time, yer’ll see.”

“I...” What can I say? Where do I find the words? Hell, do I want to find the words. This woman looks at me with my mother’s eyes and... I have to close my eyes to stop myself blubbing like a child again. Suddenly the world seems like a big, unfriendly place and it is making my head spin to think about it.

“Hey bud... you okay?”

Relief sweeps over me like a warm shower on a cold day.

“Jon.” Even though I try I can’t keep the desperation out of my voice. I open my eyes and the warm smile has me teetering on the verge of hysteria. I am so grateful. Jon frowns.

“Can you come and give me a hand for a minute please Isaac? If you’ll excuse us Mrs Connelly, I won’t keep Isaac long.”

Grandma smiles a knowing smile “Don’t yer be worrying yerself. It’s time we were off. We have a hotel to book into and these two take some time to get ready for dinner let alone a party. Might as well have brought a couple of girls. We’ll see ya tonight Isaac. It’s been such a pleasure to meet you. You mother would have been so proud. You keep your head up now, ye hear. And don’t you be worrying about the boys. They’ll be fine with yer.”

“I... I...” Fuck I’m a babbling idiot. I can't think of anything to say. I can’t... “Thank you.”

I am not proud of the fact that I can’t face them. I am not proud of the fact that I can’t bring myself to even look at Connor and Declan. I am not proud of the fact that I can feel his eyes burn into my back as I run but I am too scared to turn, too scared to think.

Jon catches me on the stairs and grabs my arm, swinging me round so I almost fall into his arms.

“Woah there. What the hell’s going on? What’s wrong?”

“I... they... I... I... I have never drunk beer. And they... they are so... they are... and I’m... But she’s so... and I wanted to... but I... they...”

“Hey. Enough. Take a deep breath Isaac and calm down.”

I try, honest to god I try but the whole stupid thing just keeps playing over and over in my mind and every time it gets worse and those eyes... I can feel myself spiralling and there’s this great, dark hole and I’m falling and...

“Aaah.” Jon’s slap shocks my eyes wide and the dark hole disappears. I stand gasping for a while until my heart slows down and I can breathe again.

“What was that all about?”

“I can’t go tonight.”

“Where did that come from?”

“I messed it up. They hate me.”

“Isaac. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve been through a hell of a lot. Your life has been turned upside down and then some. You’ve spent your whole life in closed communities. You have no idea how to react when you meet new people and that is not a bad thing. If your cousins have a problem with it then so be it. They are only two people.”

Yeah but... but I mean... They are only two people but... fuck... fuck they are... he is... “I know.” I drop my head so he can’t see my eyes. I am sure it is written all over my face and the thought makes me blush deep scarlet.

“Look... if you don’t want to go tonight I won’t make you. I have always thought it was a bad idea. It’s too much to ask of you this soon. If you want me to I will ring my mother right now and have her put it off for another time.”

The relief washes over me. I won’t have to go. I won’t have to face them but... If I don’t go I won’t see them. That would be a good thing right? They make me feel like a child, like an idiot. It would be a good thing not to put myself through that; wouldn’t it? But if I don’t see them tonight... if I don’t... then maybe I will never see them again.

I know that if I really want to I can hide from them. Jon will protect me, he will keep them away from me. I could just visit with my grandmother and never have to feel like this again. Maybe it would be better. Maybe it would be a good idea not to see them again, at least not this time. I have so much to learn and I am still not well, I still feel so... Oh my god. I can’t. I can't bear the thought of them leaving without me seeing them again.

“No. I want... I want to go to the party. I want to see him... them again... tonight.”

Jon gives me a strange look and smiles. He pulls me into his arms and hugs me. “You look worn out. Go and lie down. I’ll bring you something to eat in a while.”

I am so grateful to him, more grateful that I have ever been to anyone in my life. I run upstairs, half dreading; half hoping I would see... someone... but I see no one and I don’t even hear them leave.

I throw myself on the bed and stare up at the ceiling. My thoughts are racing, my heart pounding. Why have they affected me like this? I didn’t freak out when I met Jon and Sean... well alright I did freak out but it wasn't like this. And I didn’t freak out at all when I met my other grandmother.

I know why. Deep inside I know why but I won’t face it, I can’t. It’s because... I groan out loud and turn on my side, curling into a ball. This is hard. This is the hardest thing ever. Fuck, being on the verge of death was easy compared to this. This is... this... this is... being on the verge of life.

I must have fallen asleep because Jon wakes me with a plate of food. It’s just cold leftovers but I devour it as if I have had nothing in weeks. Jon watches me in silence until I push the plate away and lie back, with a sigh against the pillows. They are lumpy and uncomfortable because I have been hugging them.

“Your grandmother left.”

“I figured.”

“Your cousins too.”

“Yes.” Damn. Just the mention of them turns me into a mumbling idiot again and I can feel a blush starting. What kind of an idiot am I? Oh God. Don’t start asking questions Jon. Please don’t, not now.

“They are... lively, aren’t they?”

I can’t help but grin... the way he said it. He makes them sound like a pair of Irish Setters.

“Lively... yeah.”

“Very Irish.”

“Oh yeah.”

“And, of course... very beautiful.”

I almost choke on that one. “Are they?” It comes out as a squeak and I hang my head, praying for that earthquake again. Can he see into my mind? Am I being so obvious? Am I ... what am I...?

“Isaac, it’s okay. You’ve been... You’ve never...”

“Now you’re beginning to sound like me.”

Jon laughed. “I’ve never had to have ‘the talk’ with anyone before. I never thought I would... Just ease up on yourself Isaac. You’re new to all this. They are both... very... Well... put it this way... you’ve not even dipped your toe in the oceans of love and suddenly you’re taking a swim with sharks. I can’t blame you for getting a bit... carried away but be careful.”

“I... I haven’t... I mean I don’t...”

“It’s okay Isaac. You don’t have to be embarrassed about anything with me... and I don’t walk around with my eyes closed. Both of your cousins are... amazing but... keep a cool head. I think... well... For one thing they are your cousins, for another I think they are both a little out of your league.”

“I know. They scare the hell out of me but...”

“Oh yeah... but... That Declan is a firecracker right enough. He’s a tease but... hell what an ass.”

“Really? I didn’t notice.” Suddenly we are giggling like children and my embarrassment is gone. “Declan’s okay I suppose but Connor...”

Jon gets serious and frowns at me. “Connor’s dangerous Isaac. Be careful of him... he’s... dangerous.”

“Dangerous?”

“He’s... very sure of himself. He moves like a cat but he’s no pussy. He’s a predator.”

“I know. He scares me to death but... his eyes...”

Jon smiles, a strangely tender, gentle smile. “Oh yes... those eyes are something else... but it’s what’s behind them that worries me.” He reached out and brushes the hair out of my face. Until then I hadn’t noticed it was there. “You are very beautiful Isaac, just as beautiful in your own way as he is. But... you are very inexperienced. You have never... For your first time you need someone safe, someone... Connor would chew you up and spit you out and not even break a sweat. He’s dangerous, you understand that don’t you?”

“Of course I understand that. All he’s done since he first set eyes on me was laugh at me. I don’t want to... I don’t want to feel like this about him but I... I can’t get him out of my mind. His eyes...” I close my eyes to try and steady myself but it only makes matters worse because all I can see is a slightly crooked smile and a pair of laughing blue eyes. I shiver and Jon covers my hand with his own.

“It’s good that you’re feeling like this. It means that you are opening up, accepting yourself for who and what you are. It’s good that it scares you and it’s good that it makes you feel so alive, so excited but... you don’t have the experience to cope with someone as... I don’t know if Connor’s gay. I have a feeling he would tell me if I asked and that it wouldn’t throw him in the slightest. He has the feeling of someone who has no doubts. But... even if he is... he is wild. He is experienced, and confident and crazy and... wild. He will hurt you. I know that being hurt is part of living, of learning but not him.

“I can’t and won’t ask you to make me any promises Isaac. That’s not my place and that’s not my nature but... please, please be careful. You are unbelievably precious to me and if anyone hurt you... Don’t make me have to face what I would do it that happened.”

There is a lump in my throat that makes it hard to breathe and impossible to swallow. I lift my head because I have to look into his eyes. They are glistening. He loves me. My brother loves me and that means more to me than I could ever possibly begin to express. The very fact that he is worried about me proves that he cares and I throw my arms around him and begin to sob, the enormity of that simple discovery overwhelming me.

I seem to spend a lot of time crying these days, I am going to have to work on that or I will end up getting soggy.