Julebukking - 1. Story

"You need to get out of here," my brother said, grabbing me by the shoulders and peering into my reddened, watery eyes. "It's been a rough holiday, and you need some space."

I looked back at him in wonder. It wasn't like Jake to have such good instincts for how I was feeling. Most of the time he was clueless, as was the majority of our family.

"I'll be fine," I lied.

"No. You need to get away even if it's just for one night. Sue and me can take care of Lizzie while you blow off some steam. You've earned it," he ordered. He shook me a little for added effect. Relief wafted off me like mist from a lake in the warm morning sun.

"Are you sure? You have your own worries," I asked, hoping against hope he wouldn't take the offer back.

"The kids can help entertain our sister while Sue and me finish up with festivities. You need to breathe."

I nodded in response. Lizzie probably would respond positively to Jake's kids if away from here. It would distract her from our parents' absence, which continued to set her off from time to time. This would be the first holiday without them. The last two holiday seasons they returned to visit. This year was different and Lizzie didn't react well to change. In a series of crying jags and hissy fits, she expressed her outrage and despair at their decision to stay in New Mexico and enjoy a warm Christmas with friends. Meanwhile, I was left holding the bag in ice cold Illinois.

"I'll just run out for an hour or two, maybe have some lunch."

"No. You should go out with friends or to a bar or something. We'll get Lizzie to pack a bag and stay at our house. It's no trouble at all." My brother was peering at me. For some reason he could see deep within my soul. I was troubled, and so very, very lonely today, the day after Christmas.

"It would be nice to have a night off for a change," I answered. "But Lizzie is my responsibility."

"She's all our responsibility," he said, letting go of my shoulders and stepping back. "Mom almost lost her mind, she worried so much. We all need to share the burden a little. Just because you do it full time doesn’t mean we can’t help. I’m not taking no as an answer again."

Lizzie was a handful. She couldn't be left alone, and our family had decided long ago to deal with it ourselves. We weren't going to put her in a home. Mom and Dad were dead set against putting her 'in cold storage,’ as they put it. However, after my father's two heart episodes and my mother's crippling arthritis, it was obvious they weren't able to handle her any longer. When my parents asked me to take over caring for her, I quit my dead end job as a leasing agent for a retirement home and had Lizzie move in with me. It wasn't like I had anyone else to worry about in my life. I could tell my parents were relieved, though it took a lot of persuasion to get them to agree.

"Lizzie could use a break as well," my brother said. "You should go to a movie or something."

I really just wanted to relax at home by myself. That would be change enough for me. Taking care of my sister was a quite the job. I worked with her on socialization skills so much I rarely had time to meet with friends myself. Most of my old connections had since drifted away with the exception of a couple of women I'd worked with over a year ago. Many of my old friends were married with their own families, and the day after Christmas was a busy time.

"I think I'll read a book. I have a new Jonathan Kellerman one I've been meaning to dig into." In the back of my mind, I still felt a little bit of guilt about the money my parents deposited in my account each month. I knew nobody considered me a freeloader, but part of me still thought living off my parents while I cared for my sister wasn’t right. It stung and stifled me.

"Go out," my brother almost shouted at me. "Call up friends, go get wasted, or get yourself laid." I winced at the last suggestion. While my family knew I was gay, and had known my ex, Justin, quite well, we didn't talk about it. I was sure part of it was due to my own reticence after he left me two years ago.

My sister called me from LA and had tried to open up a discussion. I shut her down immediately because it hurt too badly to think about. The others must have gotten the message because no one else, neither Jake nor my parents, had broached the subject. It was yet another thing that made me feel like a loser.

"So what's the verdict?" Sue said as she bounced next to her husband. Jake put an arm around her and smiled.

"Jude is letting Lizzie stay with us for the night," he said. "The kids will be thrilled."

I doubted their kids would be very excited to have their special needs aunt over for the night, however, Benji and Marnie were really good kids and tried to interact with Lizzie as much as they could. Yesterday at Christmas, they'd even got her to play a little Go Fish with them even though Lizzie didn't really seem to know what they were doing.

"I appreciate you helping out," I finally said after a long pause. It felt like a breath of fresh air.

"We can do more you know," Sue said. "I am a paraprofessional working with children with special needs at Marnie's school. I have Fridays off and we could take Lizzie for the day. That way you could have some semblance of a life."

I looked at my sister-in-law's smiling face and her buoyant energy. She was about my age, ten years younger than my brother. She was also looking at me funny, her head cocked and eyes wide with an earnest expression.

"You have two kids, a job, and my Neanderthal brother to take care of," I answered her carefully. "I can't ask you to do it."

"You didn't ask. She offered, and I back her up on it."

I shook my head. My brother sounded sincere, though. It had been a while since I had anything like a real life. Sometimes I felt it was too painful to even try.

"You should go out and live a little," My brother's eyes were filled with concern, like I was in need of special care. "You're only in your thirties and you act like a recluse."

"She's our family too," Sue said. "Just because you agreed to take care of her doesn't mean we don't have our part to play as well."

I was struck by their concern and it made my stomach do a flip. For the past year, everything had been about Lizzie and her care. It had been a very difficult transition for her when our parents moved. Lizzie was inconsolable for over a week before I got her settled into a new routine. In the meantime, I had lost contact with most everyone else in my life. I hadn’t thought much about that before today.

"Maybe I'll call Debs and see if she's available." She was the only friend I had who was still single. At least, she was last time I'd talked to her. It had been a couple of months. Actually, it was right before Labor Day, almost four months ago now that I thought about it.

"Do whatever you'd like. Have you met the new English teacher from the high school yet? He's really nice, and my sister said he bats for your team," Sue said, hiding a grin.

"Hell, you don't need someone nice. You need to get laid, bro." Jake was laughing and playfully punched my shoulder.

I knew I was turning crimson at the casual air with which my brother and sister-in-law were treating my non-existent social life. The idea of going on a date actually disgusted me. After Justin left, I was numb for so long, I figured the physically intimate part of my life was over. I hadn't felt much of an urge for over two years.

They were right about one thing though. I wasn't old. Maybe there was a little something out there for me yet. Not many gay fish in the seas of northern Illinois, but apparently one was swimming around. It made me wonder.

"I'll get Lizzie packed," Sue said interrupting my reverie.

"No," I said. "I better get her things together and talk to her about staying over."

I nodded to them and headed to Lizzie's bedroom.

I opened her door slowly, gradually letting in a little light. She didn't like to be startled and a sudden bright flash would set her into a series of jerks and bobs if I wasn't careful. Lizzie had lots of problems and underlying all of them was the severe autism she suffered from.

Modern polite social mores called her disability 'a challenge' or 'an opportunity'. People who didn't deal with the kinds of discomforts and the pain she suffered liked the euphemisms. I always figured it made them feel better about things. It certainly didn't help Lizzie.

"Lizzie," I began softly. "Can I come in?"

There was no response, nor would one be coming anytime soon. Lizzie was sitting on the floor on the other side of the room, rocking gently from side to side and examining a Lincoln log. She was crazy for the little chunks of wood and could play with them for hours at a time. She never built anything. Looking at them, lining them up in rows, and then doing it all over again was the extent of her interactions with them.

"Are you ready for an adventure?" I asked her as I stepped into the room. She didn't look up from her logs, and her rocking from side to side became a little more animated.

"Jake and Sue want you to stay overnight at their house tonight."

Her rocking got even more extensive; with her head bobbing along with her shoulders. But, since the rocking was from side to side and not back and forth, I figured she was okay.

When she lunged forward and leaned backwards, I knew Lizzie was upset. Side to side was fine.

"Isn't that nice of them? Marnie and Benji want you to stay with them too."

At first there was no reaction to my words except her swaying became even more pronounced. I was beginning to worry a little that today she wouldn't acknowledge me at all. Then she couldn't go with my brother's family to their house. I found a surprised feeling of sharp disappointment rise up. It startled me a little, because I hadn't felt that emotion in a while.

"Lizzie, do you want to go visit your niece and nephew?"

Most of the time, I'd get a little grunt or maybe a single word like 'yes' or 'uh-ha' from her. Sometimes she'd give me a fleeting look letting me know she heard what I said. Rarely, she would actually respond with some kind of answer. Today she scared me a little when she stopped rocking.

"You go 'way?" Lizzie asked, her eyes traveled across my face and then fixating on something behind me. "Mom and Dad, you go 'way?"

I was confused at first with her question. She'd never asked me a question before, not really. I wondered what exactly she meant. Then I remembered the Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls.

Right after our parents moved to New Mexico that first winter, Lizzie had a rough patch. She wailed and cried and would sit in the middle of whatever room she was in, and rock wildly. Other times she was silent, but continued with the forward and backward bobbing. I had a tough time getting her to understand I was there for her now. She didn't seem to see me or acknowledge me without me hugging her or getting close to her face. She hated both things.

Finally I was at my wits' end and worried about her eating and sleeping, neither which she would do regularly. I thought she might make herself sick with all the stress. Something had to be done.

I went into her room after a week of anxiety about her and looked through her closet. I figured if I could find something to distract her, she might start getting over her fit. I had pulled out a couple of cartons of old clothes of hers, and brought down a box which had Chutes and Ladders and Candyland games sitting on the top. I looked over and Lizzie was still rocking and was now keening in a high pitch. I'd heard it before, but never in connection with the rocking. Usually the kind of squeal came with her getting ready for something special. She liked chocolate, but couldn't have it very often because she is diabetic. When our mother would prepare a treat, Lizzie would start making her high humming sound in anticipation.

I turned back to the closet and saw another box on the far left shelf. I grabbed the box and got a face full of dust.

When I turned back around, Lizzie had the two board games scattered all over the floor. In her lap were two dolls, a Raggedy Ann and a Raggedy Andy. She was now rocking side to side and hugging them. Lizzie wasn't smiling, but she did have a more relaxed look on her face.

"Do the dolls help?" I asked her, not expecting her to answer. She did.

She held out Raggedy Ann, and as her eyes traveled across my face answered, "Mommy."

I set down the box and crouched down to her level. "Okay, that's Mommy. Is this Daddy?"

She almost looked right at me and nodded, just once. I almost fell over.

"Go 'way," Lizzie said hugging the dolls. "Go 'way."

"Do you want me to go away?" I had asked her.

"No!" she squealed and began to cry. "No go 'way."

"I'm not going anywhere," I said gently. I almost reached out and brushed a lock of her sandy blonde hair until I remembered she hated that too. "Don't worry, Lizzie. I'm not going anywhere."

She looked at me, fully square in the face, caught my eye with her own and a ghost of a smile crossed her lips. Lizzie continued to hug the dolls tightly, and then sighed deeply.

"Lizzie, I'm not going anywhere. Jake and Sue want you to visit them more often. I'll be here all the other times," I said. "Don't worry. I promised you I won't go anywhere, and I won't."

Lizzie continued to pick up Lincoln logs and examine them carefully. Then she placed it back down next to other ones. She didn’t say anything else, but I could see the tension in her shoulders and neck had eased. That was good enough. She was obviously okay with going over to Jake and Sue’s for the night. I felt my own muscles relax as well.

“Okay, I’ll pack you a bag. You’ll need your jammies and some clothes for tomorrow,” I said rummaging through her dresser. Do you want anything special to bring?” I placed a clean shirt and socks into a duffel bag. I was about to get her sleepwear when a hand touched my arm. I turned and saw Lizzie was behind me. She had her arms out which didn’t happen very often.

“Do you want a hug?” I asked, genuinely touched at her reaction.

She didn’t respond; her eyes still riveted above and past me to some spot on the wall. I stepped into her arms and squeezed her tight. She didn’t like being touched much, but if you hugged her really tight, she responded as well. This time it felt as if she molded into my embrace. I felt a hitch in my throat. This whole time I’d been thinking of how I needed a night away. Lizzie’s overall feelings weren’t part of my concern, and I felt my stomach flip again this time in disgust.

“If you don’t want to go, you don’t have to,” I whispered in her ear. Lizzie pulled away out of my arms and went over to her bed. She grabbed her ‘Mommy and Daddy’ dolls and brought them to me. She handed them over and for a brief instance, her eyes met mine. In that fleeting glance, I knew it was okay. Lizzie was fine with going to Jake and Sue’s for a visit.

I felt such relief.

***

I quickly donned an over-sized t-shirt after my bath. I slid into well-worn sweats and plodded out of my bedroom into the living room. I had called my friend Debs, who was busy with her new boyfriend and his family. I called Justin, thinking maybe he would meet me out for a drink. He had plans with his new partner, Scott, to go julebukking with some of our friends. He said I should come along, but I didn’t really have anything to wear. Besides, if I had to see my old boyfriend, the love of my life, happy with a new guy and a new life, I’d only get depressed.

Instead, I decided to order a pizza and watch an old movie on Turner Classic. I plopped into my chair and picked up the phone, when I heard the doorbell ring. I groaned inwardly as I walked to the front entryway. I peeked out the side window, and saw people in costumes and brightly painted faces gabbing and jostling each other.

“Oh God,” I said and steeling myself, I opened up the door.

“Yuletide Greetings!” the chorus shouted, startling me.

“Now feed us,” a single voice said right in front of me. It was Justin.

I didn’t want this. I couldn’t help myself though, and I felt my face break into a big smile. “Come in, come in.”

The throng filed past me into the house. Justin was first, dressed as a witch, an old crone with blackened teeth and warts and a broom. Behind him was a princess in a pink gown with a Walking Dead rubber zombie mask on. As the princess passed me, he took my hand and pumped it in a forceful handshake. The grip was firm, and the wrist was hairy. It had to be the new guy, Scott.

Altogether, there were three witches, two Vikings, two princesses, and a couple of vampires. One rather large individual was dressed in a big furry smock with a bizarre pointed headdress with horns. It was rather disturbing and I wasn’t quite sure what to think of it. Maybe he was dressed as a kind of werewolf or something. Regardless, it was creepy.

“We didn’t really come to get treats,” Justin said as they all surrounded me. Julebukking was an old Norse tradition which had since died out in Scandinavia. However, in some areas of the Midwest, it had continued. Groups of young people would dress up in disguises and go from house to house asking for treats and making the hosts guess who was behind the mask. Following Christmas and up until New Year’s Day, it wasn’t unusual in Joliet to see troupes of costumed adults traipsing from house to house in various neighborhoods.

I had never gone julebukking myself. But, I had been visited a couple of times by old friends and neighbors. I kept some cookies and a jug of cider on hand after Christmas just in case. It was also something Justin loved. The idea melted my heart.

“I have treats and I know you’re Justin and this must be Scott,” I said pointing to the princess now clutching Justin’s arm.

“We aren’t julebukking you,” Justin said with a grin. “You’re coming with us.”

I squinted and shook my head. “I’m not going anywhere tonight.”

“Get on that old Michael Myers costume you have in the back of your closet and come with us,” Justin said.

“I don’t know why you-“

“It wasn’t me who thought about abducting you,” Justin interrupted.

“It was me. I heard you had a night off, and you should run amok a little,” the princess named Scott said. He was giggling and holding onto Justin’s black-clad arm tightly. “Come on. It’s going to be a lot of fun.”

I didn’t want to go. The last thing I needed was Justin and his new little boy-toy flaunting their happiness in my face.

“Come with us,” another of the witches said. It was obviously Justin’s sister, Carol. “We haven’t hung out in forever.”

“Yeah, you never come out any more,” a Viking said behind a shaggy red beard. That sounded like Debs.

“I thought you had plans,” I said to her.

“I did. This is my friend, Steve,” she said, grabbing one of the vampires and pulling him forward.

“Nice to meet you. Debs has told me all about you,” he said.

Her boyfriend was dressed in a huge black cape with long black hair and tons of makeup, including a long line of red blood trailing from the corner of his mouth to his chin. He said, “You have to come with us.”

I was about to object again, when I glanced up and saw the huge furry creature was staring at me. His eyes were pleading with me, and the words froze in my throat. I swallowed and nodded. “Okay, I’ll come with.”

The chorus of cheers as I left reassured me. Maybe a night out would be a good thing. I hadn’t done anything with friends for so long. Maybe Jake and Sue would host Lizzie on Friday nights, or maybe tonight would be a nightmare for them. I needed to take advantage of this precious gift, a night out. I quickly got into my black jeans, black turtleneck, and white hockey mask. A plastic machete completed the ensemble.

***

The night was clear and cold, so crisp you could almost taste the air. It tasted like a sour apple. The sky was brilliant with stars. This night was so different from Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Those nights were almost warm with the air thick and weighty. The forecast had predicted snow, but it never came. Instead, the trees were naked and black and the ground was brown with patches of faded green.

The group was cheerful and lively. By the third house, I was laughing along with the rest of them. Scott’s antics were particularly entertaining, and I began to see something which surprised me. I liked the young man and I could see what Justin saw in him. In fact I could see Justin adored him and the looks they gave each other were something special.

As I watched their interactions like feeding each other a piece of cheese or handing the other a cup of steaming cocoa, I realized we never looked like that, Justin and I. We had a ‘partner’ relationship. We did things together and talked a lot but we didn’t have the magic Justin and Scott seemed to. I thought it would make me feel bad. It didn’t. It made me happy for Justin, because I will always love him. To see how Scott made him beam and glow was a delight.

It also made me feel lonely.

We were heading to the fourth and last house of the night. We were going to surprise Justin’s grandparents, who knew us all. I was ruminating on how I missed being part of something when I felt someone bump into me. I turned, and almost collided with the furry guy who still hadn’t said anything I had heard the whole evening.

“Sorry,” I said, and could feel my face begin to heat up in embarrassment. “I guess I’m not keeping up with the others. I’m Jude by the way.”

The furry guy in the scary outfit stuck out his hand and shook mine. I looked over my shoulder and saw the others were collected at the doorstep of the Hanson’s.

“You can call me Tanner,” the guy answered. His voice was low and gravelly and touched something inside me. “Can you come with me for a minute?”

“Shouldn’t we?” I asked pointing toward the group milling about outside Justin’s grandparents.

“Come with me,” he said, again the voice tugged at me by the balls. There was something compelling about the tone.

I followed him back to the SUV we’d ridden in from place to place. He pulled out the keys, though I know he hadn’t been driving, and hit the button on the fob. It beeped and clicked. He opened the back hatch and climbed in.

I watched him with confusion, and a little fear.

Why was a guy dressed as a scary Chewbacca crawling into the back hatch of the Expedition? I stood there stupidly staring at the open door with my mouth wide open.

A furry hand extended out of the back and gestured to me to crawl inside. I could feel my mouth get dry, and my skin tingled. His face appeared, and he told me to come in with the voice that pulled at my guts. I crawled up and into the hatch without thinking.

Once inside, Tanner closed the back door and tugged on my arm. I slid over next to him and he turned and looked at me. It was very dark with only the faint glow of the street lights filtering in but I could swear his face glowed. He leaned over, and I could feel the hot breath of his words.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked softly. I was instantly turgid and throbbing.

“I was going to say a scary alien. I didn’t want to offend you,” I answered, my voice cracking with need.

“I’m the Yule goat,” he said. The air that carried his words tasted sweet and hot. I wanted to dine on his red pouty lips. “I came to give you your Christmas present.”

“Christmas was yesterday,” I said woodenly. I couldn’t tear my eyes from his lips and the little occasional slip of his tantalizing tongue. I hadn’t felt this aroused in years, if ever.

“Yuletide is a season,” Tanner said. “And now you get the gift you have been secretly hoping for.”

Tanner leaned closer and when his lips latched onto mine, I felt my heart flutter and my insides rock and heave with excitement. I felt his tongue enter my mouth and a wave of erotic heat filled my body. I arched against him and my orgasm burst in my pants. My breath became short and his body heat consumed me.

I passed out.

When I first awoke, I couldn’t believe how alive I felt. It was like weights had fallen off me or chains had been removed. It was like I was floating and the feeling was wondrous. There was a bright light on the other side of my eyelids and I could hear voices.

Was I dead? Am I in heaven? Somehow that didn’t feel right. I was untethered, but I also felt an emotion that had eluded me for a couple of years. I felt hope. This bizarre tryst with Tanner… Oh, Tanner! My eyes flew open.

“What are you doing in the back of the SUV?” Justin asked. He was peering in through the open back door. Scott was next to him peeking over his shoulder. They all looked concerned. “Are you sick?”

“No, I-“

I stopped and looked around me. I was alone.

“Where’s Tanner?”

Justin looked at me, confused. He glanced at Scott who also appeared puzzled. Debs stuck her face into the hatch and asked, “Who’s Tanner?”

I pulled my legs under me, and kneeling there I said, “The guy dressed as the Yule goat.”

“What guy dressed as a Yule goat?” Scott asked. “My friend Kale was going to come as the Yule goat but he’s got the flu. There was no Yule goat this year.”

I didn’t know how to respond.

Tanner told me I was getting my Christmas gift. It certainly wasn’t anything I asked for. Perhaps it was something I needed. Maybe Santa had looked into my lonely heart and saw I needed a jumpstart of some sorts. A reminder of what feeling connected to others was like.

I sat in the back of the SUV with the others staring at me like I was crazy and thought, it wasn’t Santa. It was a Yule goat named Tanner. I wondered where he went…