My Brother Daniel - 10. Chapter 10

I hate hospitals. I’ve always hated hospitals but the hatred soared when I was in the psychiatric hospital and now, as soon as the smell hits me I find my legs backpedalling and trying to take me back to the door. This time it’s different. This time, as much as I hate the hospital and the smell, there’s no way my legs or any other part of me will dissuade me from my goal – to see Daniel.

Sara leads me through the corridors to a room. “Wait here,” she says sternly and slips inside.

Wait? How can I bear to wait? He’s on the other side of the door. My Daniel. He’s hurting and I’m the only one who can make the hurt go away. And I will make the hurt go away.

Sara’s a long time. A really, really long time. Oh, is it only a few minutes. It feels like hours. I’m going crazy here. Finally the door opens and it’s not Sara who comes out, but Lily. She immediately throws her arms around me and pulls me close. “Oh you poor, poor boy. It must have been terrible for you. I knew there had to be a reason. I saw how you were with Daniel and I knew you wouldn’t just have thrown that away.”

I find my face pressed against a womanly breast that smells of mother and my composure very nearly breaks again. I pull away. If I hadn’t I would have started to sob and I couldn’t, not here, not now. I take a deep breath and meet her eyes, trying to smile. I see understanding there and have to look away.

“You’ve been so very alone, haven’t you?”

I nod, not trusting my voice.

“Well, you’re not alone anymore. You have an entire readymade family and you’ll be a central part of it in no time.”

“Can I see Daniel now?” It’s either change the subject or start to blub, and I may as well be honest to both of us and speak what’ in my heart.

“Of course you can. You need to be prepared, though. He’s been quite poorly and they’re giving him a lot of medication that’s making him very sleepy. We hoped he’d be home this afternoon but Daniel got very upset and they were afraid he’d seize again so they had to sedate him. They hope that after a good sleep he’ll be better in the morning. I have a feeling he’ll be much better tonight, now. Seeing you is really what he needs, not drugs and hospitals.”

“I hope I don’t make it worse.”

“You won’t make it worse hun. You’re all he needs. Go ahead.” Lily ushers me through the door and before I know it I’m on the other side and it’s closed behind me.

“Rayn,” Sara says softly, reaching out her hand. Half mesmerised, I find my feet drawing me across the floor. I jump when Sara’s fingers touch mine. She draws me closer to the bed. “Don’t be scared, Rayn, he’s okay.”

“I’m not scared.” But I am. I’m scared about so many things. What if Daniel doesn’t understand? What if he doesn’t accept what I have to say? What if…? Yeah, I know, there’s no point in what ifs but sometimes they’re all that fills my mind.

Hearing voices, Daniel murmurs something and turns his head toward us. Sara gets up and brushes the hair out of his face. “Hey darling, there’s someone here to see you. Are you going to wake up and say hello?”

Daniel murmurs something again, but doesn’t really stir.

“Daniel, sweetheart, Rayn’s here. You wanted to see, Rayn didn’t you?”

“Don’t, Sara. Don’t wake him. He needs to rest.”

“He needs you more. Daniel, wake up.”

She needn’t have bothered. As soon as he heard my voice, Daniel started to stir. He murmurs something softly and I’m sure I hear my name.

“I’m here, Daniel. I’m so sorry I wasn’t with you when you needed me. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I swear I didn’t mean to. I love you, baby. I love you, Daniel.”

This time, he definitely whispers. “Rayn,” and seems to be struggling to open his eyes.

“Ssh, it’s alright. We’ve got all night. We’ve got forever. Just rest if you need to. I’ll be here.”

Daniel sighs and goes still, the fight leaking out of him. I stroke his hair gently. He has such pretty hair, so soft and golden and wavy. It’s strange that, with hair that light and bright, his eyelashes are so dark. They fan out like spider legs on his cheek. As I watch them, they tremble and his eyes finally open, well half way. He looks so sleepy and, well, kind of blurred.

“Rayn,” he whispers and a smile creeps over his face. It doesn’t last, though. I practically see the thoughts leak into his head. The smile freezes and fades. “Rayn,” he says again, his voice full of pain. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” My voice comes out way too sharp. I don’t mean it to, I just don’t want Daniel to think he needs to be sorry. Stupid me. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Please don’t look at me like that. I didn’t mean to be so sharp. I just don’t want you to be sorry when you’ve nothing to be sorry for. I’m the idiot. I’m the one who needs to be sorry.

“I tried to get to you, Daniel, I swear it. I tried to come to you last night. They took me away because I was fighting. I was fighting him, Daniel, that man you saw me with. He’s Andy. Do you remember I told you about Andy. Andy’s a bad man and I was trying to get away from him. He was hurting me, Daniel. I wasn’t kissing him because I wanted do. I swear.”

Daniel blinks repeatedly, a frown on his face. He finds it difficult to process information at the best of times and this clearly isn’t one of his best times. When the frown begins to fade, his eyes flutter and he sighs.

“It’s okay, Daniel, there’s no need to think about all of this now. Just rest and when you wake up we can talk.”

“Talk?”

“Yes, we’ll talk. I’ll tell you everything that happened. It was quite an adventure really.”

“Ad…ven…ture?”

“Yes, not a fun one though. Not one I’d want to do again.”

“Rayn. Here.”

“Yeah, I’m here and I’m staying. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Stay.”

“Right here.”

“Promise?”

“Absolutely promise.”

Daniel nods and a sweet little smile touches his lips as he drifts off.

“There,” Sara says with satisfaction in her voice. “Don’t you both feel better now?”

“I guess. Is he really going to be alright?”

“Oh, absolutely. This used to happen sometimes. Hasn’t for a long time, and the whole thing was made ten times worst by how upset he was, but he’ll be fine. He’ll be confused and dizzy for a few days - I mean dizzy in the scatter-brained sense – but after that he’ll be back to normal.”

“I hate that this is my fault.”

“Hardly your fault, Rayn. The fault lies squarely at Andy’s door. Daniel’s as much a victim of his evilness as you are.”

“I suppose.”

“Come sit here,” Sara says. When I sit on the bench, she puts her arm around me and pulls my head onto her shoulder. “He’s evil, Rayn, and he’s the one to blame, not you. It’s natural for victims of sexual assault to believe they’re responsible for all sorts of things, but they’re not; you’re not. Once he wakes up properly, Daniel will understand. He’ll forgive you and forgive himself and everything will be fine.”

I want to believe that, but I can’t, because it won’t be fine. I know it won’t. Andy is still here and he won’t give up on me that easily. I’m going to have to be looking over my shoulder and I don’t know if I can handle the stress. I didn’t handle it at all last time. This time is different, though; this time I have Daniel, but I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. What if Andy goes after Daniel to get at me? A surge of anger shoots through me and the feelings of helplessness disappear. If Andy comes anywhere near Daniel I’ll rip his head off.

People keep coming and going – nurses, Lily, people with trolleys of tea and sandwiches they won’t let me have. It’s supposed to be for Daniel but he doesn’t care. Daniel hasn’t stirred since the first time. It’s hardly surprising really as it seems someone comes to give him a shot every half hour all day. Of course, it’s not really that often, nothing like it; it’s just time is doing strange things in here.

Sara is getting more and more annoyed with the nurses for drugging Daniel. She keeps insisting he doesn’t need it anymore and they keep saying they’ll ask a doctor to come by but until he does they have to follow the rules. In the end she totally blew her top and has marched the nurse off to find someone who can sort things out. I’m hugely relieved because I hate the fact that Daniel’s so still and quiet. Not only is it frustrating when I so badly want to talk to him but it freaks me out.

Daniel’s the kind of person who’s never still. He’s full of frenetic energy all the time. His facial expressions change constantly with his mood and something is always moving – his foot tapping or fingers drumming or just something. Now, nothing’s moving at all. Sometimes when the nurses talk to him he’ll stir a little but he’s not come close to waking up.

Finally, Sara returns with a young doctor in tow. He looks surprised to see me, but says nothing.

When he’s examined Daniel he stands at the foot of the bed and frowns. I don’t like it when doctors frown, it makes me uneasy.

“Well, he’s completely stable now, but that wasn’t the issue, was it. After the way he reacted before, it was decided there should be twenty four hours complete rest and we haven’t got near that yet. I strongly suggest keeping him sedated until at least the end of the morning. Then we can see how he comes up. We can’t let him get as stressed as he was before or he’ll either trigger another seizure or hurt himself in some way. He was totally hysterical, Sara and that’s not good.”

“You don’t have to talk to me as if I’m five. I’m entirely capable of understanding that becoming hysterical is not good for my brother, and if I thought he was going to become hysterical I would be as nervous as you are. However, as I have explained to you at least three times, Rayn is here now and that makes all the difference.”

“I fail to see—”

“Yes, I think we’ve established you fail to see a lot of things. I would like you to stop drugging my brother now, please.”

“Let’s at least leave it until the morning.”

“It’s four am. Let Daniel wake up and talk to Rayn then both of them can get some sleep. I don’t think I can stand listening to Rayn snore anymore.”

I’m shocked for so many different reasons. First, I had no idea it was that time. Where have the hours gone? When did it get dark? There are no windows in this room and no clock, so it’s hard to tell the passing of the time, but still! Secondly, when did I sleep? I must have slept sitting up, leaning against Sara. Who’d have thought?

“Alright, first thing in the morning.”

“Now.”

“Need I remind you I’m the consulting physician?”

“And may I remind you that you are not God? You are here to advise, recommend and administer treatment. You cannot do anything without express authority and, as my brother is not able to give his consent to continued treatment I, as his attorney, have the authority to accept or decline on his behalf. Therefore, I decline to consent to the administration of any further medication to my brother until he’s conscious. At that point we can reconsider given his condition at the time.”

“I strongly advise against it.”

“I note your advice and decline to accept it.”

“You are the most stubborn…. Do you have any idea how much harm you could do to your brother by taking this tack? Do you have any idea how sick you could make him if he has more seizures?”

“Yes, “Sara says quietly. “As a matter of fact, I do and I’m still prepared to take the risk.”

“Sara, maybe you shouldn’t. Maybe you should wait….” I retreat rapidly from the look she gives me.

The expression softens and she pats my arm. “You saw him, Rayn. You saw how he was when he heard your voice, when he opened his eyes and saw you. He’s not going to freak. He’s going to wake up, see you, speak to you then go to sleep, properly to sleep, not drugged like this. By lunchtime tomorrow he’ll be better and we can take him home.”

“Don’t count on that.”

“Trust me by lunchtime tomorrow you won’t be able to wait to get rid of us.”

“I already can’t wait to get rid of you. Alright, we’ll see how it goes. At the first sign of distress I’m putting him under again.”

“Fair enough. He isn’t going to be distressed.”

Shaking his head, the doctor makes some notes on the clipboard at the bottom of Daniel’s bed and calls a nurse. After giving her a few hasty instructions, he disappears.

The nurse smiles at us. “You’ve rattled his cage.”

“I’ll rattle whatever I need to rattle to get my brother what he needs.”

The nurse smiles, nods then leaves, taking with her the shot they were going to give Daniel. And now we just sit and wait.

It doesn’t seem as if anything changes for hours, although it was probably only an hour or so. I think I fall asleep again because suddenly I’m sitting bolt upright and Sara is on her feet. I have a feeling I was sleeping on her shoulder again.

“Daniel? Daniel, sweetheart, it’s me, Sara. Hush now. You need to be calm, my darling.”

Daniel groans and I hear him moving. I get up so fast I almost pass out. “Daniel.”

Daniel shakes his head from side to side. His eyes are still closed and he looks as if he’s been tossing around restlessly.

“Talk to him, Rayn.”

“Daniel, it’s me, Rayn. I’m still here. I promised, remember?”

“Rayn?”

“Yes, it’s me. I’m here. Everything’s okay now. I’m back and I’m not going away again.”

“Rayn.”

Daniel’s eyes flutter open. They’re dull and look sticky and crusted. The eyelashes are stuck together. As soon as he sees me he reaches out his arms and I’m so happy to lean over and let him wrap them around me. This is where I belong.

“You came back.”

“Of course I did. I love you Daniel. I would have come back sooner if I could have but they took me away and put me in a cell for the night.”

Daniel looks confused and blinks repeatedly. He looks less drugged now, though and comprehension is slowly dawning.

“But… but the…the man?”

“The man was Andy. Do you remember me telling you about him, what a bad person he is?”

“Yes. I remember. Why were you kissing him?”

“I wasn’t. I wasn’t kissing him. He was kissing me. He was making me, Daniel. He had me pinned against the wall and he was making me kiss him and…do other things.”

“Yes, I saw.”

“Oh God, Daniel, I’m so sorry you had to see that.” I don’t realise I’m shaking until Daniel mentions it.

“Why are you shaking, Rayn? Are you scared?”

“Yes, I’m scared. I’m scared of everything. Mostly I’m scared of losing you.”

“Losing me? I can’t go anywhere. Stuck here.”

“You know what I mean.”

Daniel smiles. “Yes.” The smile vanishes. He blinks again and raises his hand to touch my face. It’s a gentle touch but makes me jump. I’d forgotten about the fight. “He hurt you.”

“Not much.”

“You’ve got blood on your face. Here.”

He touches the corner of my lip. I lick it and taste metal. It hurts to touch my lip even with my tongue. “Do I look a real mess?”

“You look beautiful.” Daniel’s eyes light up and his lovely golden smile appears.

“I love you, Daniel.”

“I love you, too. You’re not going to leave me?”

“Never.”

Daniel sighs and closes his eyes. He yawns. “I’m tired.”

“Then go to sleep.”

“Will you stay?”

“Yes, of course. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

Daniel considers, then shakes his head. “No, you’re tired, Rayn. You look awful. Go home and sleep. You can come back tomorrow. Sara will be here, won’t you.”

“Oh that’s very nice of you,” Sara says sternly, although with a smile. “It’s alright for me and Mam to sit up all night, but Rayn gets to go home.”

“Rayn’s hurt and he was in prison last night.”

“Not prison, Daniel.”

Daniel waves my words aside. “I’m going to sleep now. Go home. Wash your face before you come back.”

“I had a shower, Daniel.”

“Have another one,” Daniel says, grinning. They he yawns widely and snuggles into the pillows. He’s so beautiful; so sleepy.

“Goodnight, Daniel,” I say, bending down to kiss his forehead. Unsatisfied, Daniel tugs me down for a proper kiss before he lets me go, and with another sigh falls peacefully asleep.

“I told him,” Sara says smugly.

“It was a bit of a gamble, though.”

“Not at all. I know my brother very well.”

“Yes, you do.”

“Well, you heard what he said. Go home.”

“I can’t just go home.”

“Why not? Daniel’s fine. He’s fast asleep now and when he wakes up he’ll be right as rain. I don’t think you’ll even come here tomorrow. By the time you get up and shower he’ll be on his way home. Give a ring first thing and we’ll let you know what’s going on.”

“But… I can’t.”

“Yes you can.” Sara turns to me and with the soft smile she usually reserves for Daniel, she tucks a lock of hair behind my ear. “Daniel’s right. You look like crap. I doubt you slept much last night.”

“Not much, no.”

“And I’m getting a bit tired of you drooling on me. Go home.”

“Did I really drool on you?”

“Yes. Go home, Rayn.”

“I’d like to be here when that doctor gets back.”

Sara smiles. “Yeah, he’s going to be eating some craw. It’s time doctors realise patients and their families know themselves better than any professional does? They know about treatments and pills and potions but they don’t know people, not like the people know themselves.”

“True. Okay.” Reluctantly, I kiss Daniel and leave.