The Secret Life of Billy Chase - 34. Chapter 34

-Sam ditched school today. No word at all, just left. Strange enough, I felt bad about missing my chance to at least 'soften' the blow that I had dealt him during our argument on Wednesday. If he hadn't PERSUED it so damn hard, I might have left the whole issue alone! But....I guess that's beside the point, isn't it? Sighhh...anyway, the weirdest part of it all is that he ditched 'alone'. I think this marks the first time he's ever cut school without me. It's just not Sam's thing, you know? He used to always say, "It's no use ditching school if my best bud isn't right there beside me! You KNOW it's not a party without ya, Billy!" In fact, there were times when he literally BEGGED me to cut out with him. And if I didn't, he'd stay in school for the rest of the day and suffer with me. You know...things were so....'simple' between us before high school. I mean, from kindergarten to 8th grade, we were inseperable in EVERY possible way! It was just Sam and me against the whole fucking WORLD back then. It was GREAT!

But....now? I don't know. The tiny things piss me off, the tiny things piss HIM off, we've gotten completely out of syncwith each other...we're just caught in this undefinable mess all of the sudden. And the only way out seems to be by stepping on each other's fingers and toes as often as possible. I just don't get it. When did our friendship get to be so....'clumsy'?

Anyway, I guess we're still not on speaking terms since he didn't show up today. So the drama continues until another day. I really do just want to apologize. I was kinda hard on him. I can admit that. I just want things to be ok for once. Not just with Sam...but with my whole damn LIFE! It seems like everytime one thing is going good for me, I've got to rush over and stop some other part of my life from collapsing entirely. By the time I get THAT straightened out...I'm running off to the OTHER side to balance that out again too! Sometimes I just....I want it to stop. You know? I wanna stop running. I wanna be happy and not have to look for that little detail that I've overlooked. That detail that's going to send my whole parade marching off into the river, never to be seen again. The harder I try, the more I fail. And sometimes...I just don't want to try anymore.

Speaking of things going wrong...I tried to keep my word and go visit Jimmy in the hospital today. But I couldn't get in. They wouldn't let me. I guess I need permission to see him, and even then only family or a parental guardian can get through. At least for now. I tried to argue a bit, but I'm 14. What kind of debate can I really have with the adults who work at the front desk? Especially with me knowing so little about what actually happened. I didn't have any choice, I had to turn around and go home.

This sucks. I just wanted to see him, and talk to him, and make sure he was ok. It's not like I was some Mob hitman with black gloves, sneaking in to keep him from 'talking'. I'm his FRIEND for God's sake! Then again, the nurse at the desk was a total bitch and she seemed busy with other stuff. She barely looked me in the eye the entire time we were 'talking'. So my presence wasn't really her concern at the moment. I'll try to go back again on Sunday. Maybe SHE won't be there, and I can talk to someone with a little more compassion for a teenager in need of attention. Bitch! I should have spit in her coffee before I left. She was probably too busy to notice anyway!

I WILL say one good thing though...Brandon was being so exceptionally cute today. Nothing in particular...I just got absorbed in his smile for a while. He was eating gummy bears in the hallway for a snack...and his breath was sooooo sweet. I wanted to kiss him SO badly! He'd taste just like candy! Hehehe! God...you know...sometimes I think he's really special. Like...amazing. Whenever he decides to fall in love with someone...it's gonna be the greatest love of all time. I can tell.

We laugh a lot more now than we used to, ever since we talked on the phone. He's shy in the most adorable ways, and you never know when he's gonna start blushing and not be able to talk for a few moments while he tries to fight it off. Hehehe, it makes me smile just writing that. He's the coolest. I also told him that I was fighting with Sam, but I felt kinda bad about it because it was my fault. He was certainly sorry to hear it. We only talked about it for a little bit though. I guess he didn't really want to get involved. For some reason, he's really scared of standing 'between me and Sam', as he usually phrases it. I still don't understand why that's such an issue with him though. He has his weird moments, but that's his one hang up that I just can't seem to figure out. Whatever. Doesn't stop him from being adorable.

It's early, and it's Friday, but I've gotta find something to do with the rest of my night. I don't really feel like going out anywhere, but I'll entertain myself somehow. ::Wink, Wink:: I'm such a pervert! Hehehe!

-Billy

- I should have probably gone to the mall with Joanna today, if for no other reason than to see AJ in all his sexified glory. But I didn't. She called this morning, and we talked for a bit. For some odd reason, she thinks she's fat. Psh! Ok...I may be gay...but I KNOW 'gorgeous' when I see 'gorgeous'. And Joanna...? She's gorgeous! And I told her so, in all honesty. She was happy that I noticed, and it made me remember how I felt when I heard she was 'hot for my body'. Hahaha! That seems like it was so long ago now. I was such a dork! Running around scared and trying to avoid her in the halls. Geez! I'm glad I'm a little bit 'past' that now.

You know, since she's been so overly 'friendly' these days...I've really thought about...well...YOU know...going all the way. I mean...my body is DEFINITELY interested! Then again, right now my body would go wild humping a TEDDY BEAR if I didn't have this paralyzing fear that someone would catch me doing it! On CAMERA, no less! But seriously, she's hot. And she kisses me all the time. And hugs herself up against me. I didn't think I'd ever find breasts attractive until she pushed them up against me. Now I feel like I wann hold them all the time. Rub my FACE in them, even! It's a strange feeling, to take all this time coming to terms with the fact that you like boys...and suddenly having to face the fact that you're more heterosexual than you thought you were. Is that...like...my 'programming' or something? Maybe tv and magazines and the media are forcing me to think this way. Well, if they are, it sure doesn't feel like it. It feels as real as it does when I'm drooling over Simon (Or should I say...when I USED to drool over Simon!), or when I'm mentally licking and sucking every delectible inch of Jamie Cross' slim trim body.

(Takes a 'Jamie' moment to fantasize. Sighhhh....)

Anyway, I LIKE Joanna, you know? And if I thought I'd be any good at figuring out the mysterious workings of the female body in a way that would make her feel good...I might just jump on that opportunity. Wow...I think this is the most 'abnormal' entry I've ever written here. And yet it's supposedly describing the 'normal' nature of things. Wild. I should stop though. I'm gonna go and get myself all horned up and have to stop writing before I finish.

Anyway, the MAIN reason that I didn't wanna go was because Joanna wanted to invite Sam to go along. She had his phone number already, and wanted to know if it was ok if he came along. I can't see why the heck she would need MY permission...but I'm glad she asked. Because Sam and I hadn't necessarily talked things out yet, and I didn't want to do it in front of everybody at the mall. I didn't want us walking on seperate sides of the hallway, silently spitting daggers at each other, either. So I turned her down. I'll be sure to call AJ tomorrow though. It's been a few days right? I can call him again and not seem too desperate. I can't wait to talk to him again. It's gonna be awesome.

I went out briefly today to grab some junk food from the convenience store down the block. My mom was cooking 'good food' for dinner tonight. Stuff with sauces and gravy and vegetables....and parts of a dead animal that are actually 'healthy' for human consumption. Blecchhhh!!! Some days, you just want junk food, you know? It's Saturday! What happened to ordering that pizza that comes with the garlic butter dip for the crust? It's SO much easier.

Anyway, it seems that my parents were getting into another stupid argument. About what? I'll never know. But whatever it was, it stopped once I opened the back door. They let it drop. As though they were actually 'hiding' it from me. Psh! Whatever. I'm done trying to understand them as far as this shit goes. As long as they are being civil...even if it's only for my benefit...I guess that things are gonna be ok. Now all I have to do is stick around and 'chaparone' them 24 hours a day!

I'm gone. Adios, my little book of secrets. Thanks for keeping me sane. It really helps to write these things out sometimes!

-Billy

- Well, I did it! I got in to see Jimmy LaPlane at the hospital today. It wasn't easy, but luckily his mom was there while I was trying to convince the same nurse to let me in. I don't think that bitch ever goes ANYWHERE, she must work every day. And why not? She's so damn butt ugly, she wouldn't have anything else to do with her life! I'm gonna draw an ugly picture of her on the opposite page. I'm sure I'll laugh about it later.

Anyway, Jimmy's mom evidently recognized my name as I struggled to get past old 'Cerebrus' there, and she walked over to tell the nurse that it was ok if I visited for a few moments. I had never actually seen his mom before, not in person. I had seen a few pictures of her at Jimmy's house, but that was all. She looked....'different'. Hereyes were almost black, with dark rings underneath. She looked as though she had been crying a lot, and I guess that makes sense. Jimmy was her son afterall. I kept my eyes down at her shoes as she talked to me. I felt...I dunno...kind of ashamed. As though I had done her a great injustice by letting her little boy go through so much pain. Even though she worked hard to try to smile for me, I couldn't bear to see the pain in her eyes. The initial look was already going to haunt me for days to come.

She seemed sweet enough, and sniffled a lot while she tried not to cry. She led me down the hall to his room and opened the door. "Jimmy...there's someone here to see you." She said, and I walked in behind her. That first moment, when I peeked out from behind that door and saw the look on his face, I thought maybe I had made a terrible mistake going there. At first, his eyes widened, as if in great surprise. Then...they instantly directed their gaze down to the hospital floor. Then....he turned his head completely away from me, sif trying to hide. I didn't....I mean...I didn't mean to embarass him or anything. REALLY, I didn't. I just...I wanted to see him, you know? I cringed a little bit at his silent reaction to me. And when I looked down at his arms, his wrists heavily bandaged in thick white wrappings, I found myself terrified to even be in his presence. If it wasn't for his mom's hand laying gently on my shoulder, quietly encouraging me to move forward...I would have run out of that room and wouldn't have come back until he was all better. But I couldn't pull away from her hand. As gentleas it was, I couldn't pull away. I think I stayed for her more than I did for myself. I guess Jimmy didn't have many 'friends' to come visit him in this place.

"I'll leave you boys alone. Ok?" His mom said. "You can stay as long as you want, Billy." I hadn't planned for more than a few minutes. Now reduced to a few seconds, tops. When she left the room, Jimmy and I didn't even look at each other, much less speak. Those few moments were more awkward than anything I've ever experienced before. I didn't know if I should...'talk' about what happened...or....maybe I should pretend that nothing happened and talk to him like I always did. But...if I ignored it, would that be insulting? Who knows? Luckily...he spoke first.

"I'm sorry, Billy." That was all he said. And he was looking the other way when he said it. He was so hurt. I could see the rise and fall of his chest speed up as he tried not to cry in front of me. His voice was barely above a whisper, and he couldn't look me in the eye. He had turned his head as far away from me as the hospital bed would allow. It looked downright uncomfortable.

"Um....it's...it's ok." Was all I could think to say. I've never exactly been in this position before. I was just so scared of saying the wrong thing here. Another long pause rose up between us, and I saw a tear run down his cheek. And I felt myself move closer to him. "I...I should've been there." My mouth moved without my knowledge, and the words seemed to leave without any conscious command from the rest of me.

It was the first time he looked at me, and more tears slid down his cheeks. He looked so hurt...I was screwing up! I must have done something wrong. I must have been making him feel even worse. Then, he said..."You were there, Billy. You were just....the only one." And he said, "It's not your fault, ok?" I stepped closer to the bed, but he seemed to tense up, and I saw him hide his bandages under the blanket. I walked up to stand right next to him at the side of his bed, and he closed his eyes. I think he was ashamed or something. I felt so confused. What do I do? You know?

"Why?" Again...I asked without thinking. Without any control of my thoughts. But something inside of me just...needed to know. "I'm sorry, Jimmy. That was a stupid question. I...I shouldn't even BE here, right now...I just..."

"It's ok." He said, and I saw the weakest smile cross his lips. It was almost nonexistant, but visible nonetheless. It almost looked like it hurt him to do it. "I left a note...." He said, and his voice got choked up in his throat as more tears rained down from his eyes. There was a long silence while he tried to get his composure back. It didn't quite work though. "My mom knows about me now." He sobbed. Then he asked, "Does anyone at school know?" I didn't know if I should lie to him or not. It wasn't going to be easy to take, but he was going to find out eventually...so I slowly nodded my head to confirm it. He cried even more, and I put my hand on his shoulder in some awkward attempt to comfort him. Then he just says..."I just....I just don't wanna be here anymore, Billy. I don't wanna feel this pain anymore. It hurts soooooo much....I just wanted to disappear. I just can't stand this PAIN anymore....it never stops...never..." I remember wondering if I should stay there, or if I should get his mm or a nurse or something. But as he reached up his hand from under the sheets to grasp mine tightly, I knew that I should stay a while longer.

I was there for maybe a half hour, and that was it. I didn't know what to say. Not while he was crying like that. In the long run, I guess he was glad I was there, even if we didn't talk much. I just wish it wasn't so hard for him. I mean, I wanted so badly to just take the pain away, you know? To just...make people treat him better, or see him as someone special, or just...force the rest of the world to be less selfish and give a damn. But I couldn't. And seeing him there like that...I was even more hurt than he was that I couldn't protect him. The bad times were going to be waiting for him when he finally got out of this place, and the only thing that I could do was try to be there when he needed a shoulder to cry on. Somehow, that doesn't seem like enough.

So...that was my day, pretty much. Everything else seems like a trivial detail in comparison. He thanked me for being there. He said he didn't expect me to visit, but he was glad I did. It sounds awful, but to be honest, I was happy to leave. I think I was really freaked out about it all. But that one visit didn't solve anything. It didn't explain anything. It didn't even help to ease my mind, because I STILL didn't know whether or not Jimmy was going to be alright. Maybe I'll never know. Or....

Maybe I'll find out when I go back...again.

G'night. I'll write more later.

-Billy