The Secret Life of Billy Chase - 10. Chapter 10

- So, tell me....I invited Simon over as planned, and didn't make a single move on him the whole time that he was here. Now does that make me a 'coward', or does that make me smart for not rushing into this? Because I'm not really sure about how I feel right now. Yeah, yeah...I know what the ADULTS with my 'best interests' in mind would say...but I'm talking about an HONEST answer here. If it was up to THEM I'd be a virgin until I was 40! We ALL would! So what is it? I'm thinking 'coward' personally. I mean, I was scared from the moment we left school until ten minutes after he had already left my house. I don't even know WHY! It was just terrifying to look at him and know deep down what I was thinking of doing to him. I mean...WITH him. I was aroused...REALLY aroused...but no matter how GORGEOUS he looked to me at that moment, I couldn't bring myself to touch him. I was literally shaking myself to pieces at the idea of coming into contact with him. Sigh...I don't know what happened. Everything seemed like it was going to be so simple to pull off, but somewhere between then and now, things got all fucked up.

I do have to admit though...Simon was looking DAMN FINE today! I was sitting on the bed with him, and whenever he wasn't looking I would be staring at his body from head to toe. Dreaming of what that flesh would look like exposed to my eyes in all its glory. There's just something about the way his body would move and bend in such a sexy way, without him even knowing it. Not only that, but I'm seriously falling in love with his neck. GOD this is frustrating!!! Do you know how much it hurt and confused me to sit next to him for an entire afternoon, my body ACHING to jump on him, grinding into him like a madman...and my common sense holding me back with ropes and chains, straining to keep me from making an ass of myself? I wanted him so bad I could TASTE it! I just....couldn't do it. Damnit, what good is it being this horny when I'm not being able to do anything about it? I should have just gone ahead and tried it out. I'm such a chicken. I'm going to literally be KICKING myself about this for weeks. If only you know how much my mouth waters for that one little piece of him that could bring me more pleasure than I've ever had in my life. I'll just bet he's delicious. He's always so clean and so sweet, and so well dressed and all...I just KNOW he tastes just as good as I imagine he does. He's awesome.

That aside, I need to find a place to read up on sex. There's gotta be some kind of serious website or something that deals with honest questions about sex. And that isn't run by some preachy counselor that's going to spend 15 seconds telling me what I wan to know, and 150 MINUTES telling me how I'm too young and should wait and about the use of condoms, blah blah blah. I DID take sex ed in school, you know? But unless I'm scanning for STDs or looking to disect his penis and tell him how it works...I don't think any of that scientific information is really going to help me out here. What I need is some advice on the social and emotional part of sex. You know, that part that people are so scared to talk about, so eager to tell me that I'm not ready for, and so ready to fake if the other person is cute enough to warrant the effort. I need to know...you know...how it 'feels' and stuff. What to do. How to move. How to make him feel better than he's ever felt in his life, you know? I wanna know how to have sex with somebody, and not be overwhelmed with reasons as to why I shouldn't. I've been terrified by the films and the school books already, I get it. All the negative and scary bases have been touched on, and the teachers have done their job well as far as discouraging any sexual contact whatsoever for the rest of my childhood. Now...now that I've come to the point where I want to 'brave' the torturous and deadly act of 'intercourse'...I want to move to the NEXT step. The actual act itself. I've got the safe place, I've got the willing (or so I hope) partner, I've got the desire thing down, and I've got the 'protection' worked out....thanks to the free condoms that they keep in the nurse's office. Why, I'll never know. But our head nurse is 5' 9" and weighs like 300 pounds with fists the size of a thanksgiving turkey! So I am NOT asking! Anyway, all the warnings have not only kept me in the dark, but made me to ashamed and afraid to even ASK anybody abut it. ESPECIALLY when it comes to GAY sex!!! That's like a taboo that I'm supposed to ask the grim reaper about as he casts me into the eternal fires of hell! So it looks like I'm standing at home plate without knowing how to 'swing my bat' properly. You get me? Grrrr...

Bottom line, I chickened out today. Simon's gone. And I'm even more mixed up than I was before. Yep, I think 'Coward' fits me just fine. I'm gonna go online and see what I can find to help. I'll write more later.

-Billy

Before I even start writing tonight, let me just say something...the internet has some pretty perverse shit on it!!! You know that? Now...I've gone searching for porn before, I'll cop to that. And I've found all the gay pictures and stories that I'll ever need in the short amount of time since I started. And pretty quickly, I might add. BUT...I warn you, don't EVER go searching for anything 'random' online when it comes to sex! EVER! BE SPECIFIC!!! Tell them EXACTLY what you want when it comes to the word 'sex'. Because if you don't, you're liable to uncover some of the horrors that I witnessed last night! I can't even come up with a swear word harsh enough to describe the type of shit I came across. I'm STILL rubbing the visual ACID out of my eyes! After seeing gay, straight, bisexual, and lesbian pics, I thought I had seen it all. But by the time you get through bestiality, midget porn, pregnant chicks, guys over 85, 700 pound lesbian orgies, scat, watersports, rape, hermaphroditic needle torture, leather bondage masquerades, and the fabulous fisting fortress...you'll be certain that mankind will fuck ANYTHING that will stand still long enough to inspire an orgasm! Jesus! Who comes UP with this shit? "Come see big fuck sluts take cock up their cunt chutes"??? Does that even constitute as a SENTENCE? I don't think I've ever heard a swear word that's made me flinch until last night, but something about the particularly 'dirty' way that they string them together like that....sheesh! One actually had an animation of a pleasantly plump, 60 year old 'Olga' vomiting on the chest of her lover while sitting in a bathtub full of hot water and sausages! (At least I THINK they were sausages! AHHHHHH!!!!) What the hell was THAT about??? That's sick! I mean...'to each their own', in this vast and varied world of ours...but to ME? That's sick! I'm still cringing at the thought.

With THAT traumatic memory out of the way, I guess you can probably tell that I didn't exactly find the sexual information that I was searching for. I'm sure that there were some good informative sites out there somewhere...but if I was going to have to look through a billion other 'cum gargling ass bitches' sites...I was gonna be as sick as 'Olga' was by the end of the first hour! So I let it rest. Can we say 'SEPARATE subdirectory for horrible horrible porn'??? I guess I'm still stuck at square one as far as sex with Simon is concerned. I may just have to make this up all on my own and just hope that it's good. I mean, I had to learn to ride a skateboard at one time, didn't I? I fell a couple of times, and almost broke my arm...but I got the hang of it. I guess sex is the same way. Besides, Simon's a virgin too. How's HE gonna know that I 'did it wrong'? HE might be doing it wrong! Yeah. And that's just what I'll tell him if he decides to complain.

GASP! I HOPE he wouldn't complain! Oh man, what if I'm really bad? What if HE'S really bad? What if WE'RE really bad together? Okaaaay.....Billy, you are now an official geek! Quit thinking so much!

I don't know where to go to find any true and helpful information on gay sex. Certainly not teenage gay sex. (Although I did see a nice site called "Extremely Young School Boys Have Fun" full of pics of 45 year old men with hairy chests and leather cock rings. I guess it would be considered kiddie porn if they were younger...like 28!) I guess the best I can do is maybe read up on a few stories and try to imitate the movements the way they describe it. Maybe I'll get it down by next week. Here's hoping. I'll keep my fingers crossed. Later.

-Billy

I saw Brandon this morning coming out of the locker room on his way to his gym class. He smiled and said hello to me as normally as he always does...but something weird happened. I got...nervous. And I'm not talking 'shy around everybody in general' kinda nervous. I mean like 'omigod omigod there he is' kinda nervous. Maybe he just happened to wear his hair differently today, or maybe it was because I could see the smooth skin on his long legs, maybe there were a few more amps in his smile. How the hell am I supposed to know? All I know is that my heart felt like it stopped for a brief moment, all on its own. I think Brandon may be growing on me again. Slowly, but growing nonetheless. I've never seen him in shorts and a tshirt before...it's cute. He's just one of those boys that...you just stare at blindly, and never quite know why. You know what I mean? There's a certain way that he makes me feel when he's around that just...I dunno...makes you 'better'. Even on those few days when he doesn't even acknowledge my presence, days that are getting further and further apart now that we've actually had a conversation or two, he still makes me smile. I kinda like that. He's just so huggable.

Ok, I've been doing my erotic story research, and I've come up with a few ideas of what to do, but I'm still working a few things out. There's oral sex, but I think you have to swallow. I don't know about that just yet. I'll have to leave that to the moment and decide what to do when I get there. I imagine something like that would taste like snot, and a mouth FULL of it CAN'T be far from absolutely disgusting. So that's still in the 'coin toss' phase. Then there's the whole ass eating rim job thing. Ummm...I'm leaving that to the 'advanced class' for right now. I don't know if I could really get into that just yet. There's anal sex...which in some stories sounds like the best thing ever! In others...it sounds like the most painful experience on Earth, but people grin and bear it anyway. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I suppose that's why there's such a thing as a 'top' and a 'bottom' (Which I have to read up on what those roles mean exactly). Maybe Simon will let me do it to him first. If I see a single tear, I'm passing on my turn! Hmmmm.....then there's teeth. I was trying to see if I could find something on teeth, but all I know is that I'm not supposed to use them. What I DON'T know is how to take a long flesh covered penis into my mouth, all the way to the back of my throat, and suck on it without it touching my teeth. I mean, I know I'm not supposed to BITE it or anything, but what do I do about my back teeth? Sighhh...I didn't think this was going to be so...'technical'. This is worse than my HOMEWORK for crying outloud. I think I'm going to let some of this stuff soak in for right now. Enough studying for tonight. I tell you, I have no idea how people get so good at this kinda thing. I need more porn. They need like a pornographic 'Tae Bo' video or something so I can learn this shit.

Whatever.

Jimmy LaPlane was in a fight today after lunch. Well...it wasn't really a 'fight' so much, as it was somebody beating the living shit out of him while he tried to prevent the other kid from doing so. Unsuccessfully, I might add. They both got carried away to the office, and I'm not exactly sure what started it all. But I can't imagine it being too harsh on Jimmy's part. I mean...he's a bit weird and can be annoying at times, but he's hardly the type of guy who would start a fist fight with someone who was OBVIOUSLY going to pound him into the dirt like that. Jimmy and I have never been 'friends', not even in grade school, but I'll have to admit that I felt kinda sorry for him. It's embarassing, if nothing else, to get beaten up in front of everybody. The next week or so is going to be open season on the poor kid as far as jokes and threats from the other kids. It'll pass eventually, but that week can be vicious for a kid to go through. I swear, this place is no better than a prison when it comes to shit like that. Sam, of course, thought it was funny. Him and Jimmy don't get along at all. Never have. So Sam just wishes he could have been there to witness the whole thing. He's my best friend and all, but I hate to see him relish in such a crude act against somebody who was too socially and physically helpless to really fight back. I don't care HOW weird he is. I love Sam to death, but I had to shrug away from him a bit today to keep from being upset about his apparent indifference to the whole situation. With all we have in common, we'll just have to draw the line on this one.

Anyway, that's all for now. I've got some more research to do. Not that I mind. There's some 'jack-worthy' stories out there these days, and I'm loving every minute of it! Woo hoo! Later!

-Billy