The Secret Life of Billy Chase - 42. Chapter 42

- Well, it's official now. I'm GOOD at having sex! Hehehe, yep! Everybody is kinda new at everything that first time, so I think anything would feel good. But me and AJ did it at his house again today, and it was, like, MUCH better! I didn't just lay there all weirded out and goofy about what was going on. And, it helped that his MOM wasn't in the other room too! So we kinda....sighhhh....just took our time today.

It's so different, you know? When you go to see somebody, and you KNOW you're gonna have sex with them. It's like...all the excitement is there, but the anxiety and the doubt is gone. You just can't wait to get there. When AJ called and told me his mom was going to be gone all day long, I knew exactly what that meant. And he calls me 'tastey boy', which is soooo cute! He's all like, "I can't wait to taste you again, baby."

And I am on the phone just DYING! I hope my parents can't hear me talking, so I speak softly, and I say, "Me too. I'll be there as soon as I can, ok? I love you." And he says he loves me TOO! (GOD, I love that!) So I practically throw myself into the shower, clean myself up really good all over, and head out to his house. We start kissing the second he closes the door, and he grabs me by the hand and leads me to his bedroom without hardly saying a word. And then it happened. We did it again. So now I've been....um...'post-virginized'....TWICE now! Is that even a word? I'm making it a word. Right up there with 'Sweebo swabo', which is how I feel right now.

I got to see AJ naked this time too! Which was AWESOME! He's even more gorgeous than I thought he'd be! He's got at least six inches, maybe even a little bit bigger. And he doesn't have all that much hair at all, which is cool, because he's so smooth. His penis has the cutest little curve to it, and he smiled at me when he saw me looking at it. He can make it jump without using his hands! Hehehe, it was funny. We were kissing for a long time, just naked and wrapped up in all of this soft skin...it was such a cool feeling. Just....wherever you kiss or reach out with a hand, there's more flesh to touch and rub up against. His body is soooooo warm! You cuddle with him, and it's the most comfortable feeling in the world. He has this really squeezable ass too. When he was on top of me, I would grab it and pull his naked body against me so hard, I loved the feel of it. It was like a pillow. We kissed a lot, and he sucked me REALLY good today! He was all into it, and breathing hard, and moaning...it was mindblowing. And when I came, he swallowed it all and kissed the inside of my thighs until I came down from my high. So then, I finally got my turn.

I think I did really good for my first time. I didn't worry about it being dirty or anything, I knew what I wanted, so I just took him in my hand and dove down on it. It takes a few seconds to get used to it. You don't want to suck him in too deeply or you gag, and you don't want to suck too hard or you rake your teeth on him. Hehehe, I think I knicked him a few times, because I felt him jump. But he didn't say anything. I just tried to be careful. Once you get into it though, it's sooo good. It's like, a natural ability, you know? I just got into it instinctively, and I surprised myself at how good I was doing. AJ was squirming and moaning outloud, and I kept sucking. Sometimes, the curve of his dick would rub up against the roof of my mouth, which was cool too, but I was trying to find a way to get even more of him in my mouth. I took it out every now and then when my lips got tired, and I licked his balls for a while, and his shaft, and I kissed his thighs too, just like he did mine...then went right back to work. Like I said, I just naturally knew what to do. It was like every fantasy I had ever had, and it all came so easy. I felt like an expert, and making AJ feel good was like the best feeling in the world. It...um...kinda hurts your neck after awhile though. It got to the point where I couldn't wait for him to cum already. I still feel a bit stiff in my shoulders and all for sucking for so long.

The one part I'll have to get used to is trying to swallow. I figured...he did me, so I should do him too, right? And everything felt so good. I could kinda tell when he was ready, so I tried to prepare myself for the blast. But when he started shooting, it wasn't what I thought it would taste like. It was all....warm, and thick, and slippery...like eating a teaspoon of hand lotion or something. Honestly, I thought it would taste better. You hear all of these stories where kids my age just love it and practically drink it by the gallon without flinching. But...I don't know...blecchh! I have to get used to it. Right now, the closest I can come to explaining it is...eating somebody else's snot...with sugar on top.

Hahaha! Omigod! I CANNOT believe that I just wrote that!!!

Anyway, there's a comfort in being in love with somebody, and actually having them there with you. It's like...having an 'answer', you know? To being alone, to being bored, to being unloved...it's the one believable confirmation that you have in life that tells you, "Wow...you know, maybe I'm not such a loser afterall." It allows me to stop worrying that I might be ugly, or stupid, or worthless...and all because there's someone here who actually wants to spend time with me. With ME. Sometimes I still doubt that any of this is real, but I'm gonna enjoy the fantasy while it lasts.

I've gotta run. I tried calling Joanna this morning to ask if she wanted to hang out earlier like I had planned...but she almost sounded like she didn't want me to go. She didn't come right out and say it, but it was pretty obvious that she didn't mind if I were to stay away today. At least that's how it felt. Women...they get weirder and weider by the day. Anyway, I figure I'd try calling her tomorrow to make sure we were 'ok'. I hope I didn't screw something up somewhere. Later.

-Billy

- My dad took me on a drive today. It was one of the strangest times we've ever spent together. I didn't know if I was really supposed to be paying attention to whatever it was he was rambling about, but half of it was totally lost on me. The other half, while somewhat decipherable, just came out as being sappy and forced. Maybe it was his way of trying to gain a few moments of 'male bonding' or something. But instead, it felt ore like he was trying to sell me a used car with a bum engine. He basically drove us around in big urban circles and talked about stuff that I hardly remembered, much less could comment on. And yet, he felt the need to keep me hostage in the car with awkward smiles and uncomfortable silences until he was through trying to talk to me. Like I said...strange.

I wonder if I'll ever reach an age where I'm so out of touch. They say that us kids don't understand anything, but neither do adults. Not in our world. I'm sure he would feel just as lost an out of place in my high school as I would trying to work in his office. The young and the 'un-young'...it's a wonder the two species get along as well as we do.

I talked to Brandon on the phone tonight, and as usual, I had a blast! And it wasn't one of those, 'God, he's so cute, I wish I could kiss him' nights either. This was just a comforting random conversation that lasted for an hour and a half for no reason at all. Just the two of us chatting, with hardly a break in the conversation. Brandon can be extremely funny when he wants to be! It's a side of him you wouldn't normally see on your average school day. Nobody does. He used to be so shy and quiet. I can't tell you how awesome it is to be one of the only people he truly opens up to. It makes me feel special, you know? Anyway, we traded bad dirty jokes for a while, and my mom overheard one of my punchlines. Yeesh! Luckily she didn't get mad, just told me to watch the language. But the joke really doesn't work unless I use the word 'pussy' at the end. Hehehe!

OH! And Brandon does the voices from 'Family Guy' REALLY good! So we were quoting the show back and forth, until we nearly fell over breathless from laughing so hard. I love Brandon a lot. He's so cool.

I also took a chance to ask him about Bobby Jinette, and what that was all about. I just wanted to know. So Brandon says, "Bobby? Oh, he's cool. I dunno, he just started talking to me one day, and he was kinda nice, so we talked."

And I asked him, "Ohhhh, so he's your new boyfriend, huh?" But I was totally joking around.

Well Brandon was quiet a second and said, "No." Just like that. 'No'...without a smile or anything. I hope I didn't offend him or anything. I didn't mean to insinuate anything. Or...maybe I did. Who knows? Sometimes I think about Bobby and Brandon being...like..a couple or something. And it bothers me. It really bothers me. I still think about Bobby looking at his ass, and my stomach twists up into a knot. I just....sighhh....ok, I'll write this here. Just ONE time, and ONE time only! Because it's the honest truth!

I think Brandon would be the ultimate boyfriend for me.

There, I said it. Ok? That's the last time I write that anywhere. I don't know why that idea has been floating around in the back of my head for so long, but it's always kinda been there. You know? Even though Simon was my first attempt at doing anything about my feelings, even though Joanna is great and I can be with her out in the open, even though my feelings for Sam come and go as they please depending on how we get along, even though AJ is sweet and sexy and actually loves me back as much as I love him, and even though Jamie Cross is still probably the greatest and most orgasmic fantasy of my entire life......even with ALL of that...Brandond is just...perfect. He's funny and cool and we talk all the time. And he's...like...more than cute. You know? He's 'real'. He has different emotions and different things to talk about, and this offbeat perspective on a lot of things. He compliments everything about me. If I had to choose my next boyfriend...I'd choose Brandon. I really would. Ok, so there's my confession. No more! Promise!

Anyway, I don't want Bobby to have him. I don't want anybody to have him. Not for a long while. Besides, if it turns out he likes boys...I'll be kicking myself from here to eternity! So...I kinda devised a plan to maybe write an email to Bobby online. Just to...you know...deter him away from maybe talking to Brandon so much. God...that sounds so 'Melrose Place'. But it's gotta be done. Maybe tomorrow. We'll see.

I tried to call Sam today too, but his mom said he was out with some girl. If you're thinkng, "What? Some girl?"....then you'd be matching my thoughts exactly. Does Sam have a new girlfriend or something? I haven't even seen him talking to any girls lately. Maybe THAT'S why he's been so weird lately. He's hiding some new crush from me or something. Well that makes a hell of a lot more sense than 'we just don't click anymore'. It's almost comforting to know that there is an actual source of our problem. Maybe I'll get the chance to talk to him about it tomorrow. That would be cool, me and Joanna, and Sam and his new infatuation, double dating out at the movies or something. Sweet!

-Fuck! Why is it that every once in a while, fate decdes to send you the day from hell? I HATE that! Arrrrgh!!!

I had thoughts about seeing Jimmy again today. Even after his apparent cold shoulder to me, I didn't want to be heartless to the poor kid. Not when he needed me. But my heart wouldn't let me go. I just wanted to stay away, and hope that he'd come to his senses eventually. Maybe that's wishful thinking, but I figured I'd stay away from him for just a few more days. I don't wnt to get wrapped up in all that misery right now. I've got enough of my own to deal with.

The rest of my day? Pure excrement. I kinda hinted around Sam about him maybe having a new girlfriend. I didn't wanna come right out and say that I knew or anything, but I certainly encouraged some conversation about it. Well, Sam wasn't biting today. He just shrugged his shoulders and talked around the subject. Even at lunch time he pretty much ignored my every attempt to find out about it. But I can tell when he's keeping a secret. And he's doing it again. I've gotta find someway to get him to at least TALK to me. We used to share stuff like this! I told him about Joanna before I told anybody else. Even my parents! So why is he being all cloak and dagger about he whole thing? Grrr!

I was ooking forward to talking to Brandon in the library today, but guess what? Bobby asked him to help him with his Physics homework! Can you fucking BELIEVE that?!?!?! They were on the other side of the library, and Brandon kinda smiled at me when I walked in, but Bobby ended up taking up his whole damn period there. They looked awfully 'cozy' in their little corner, talking about this and that. Getting all close to read the same stuff on the same page of the same book. Alright...this time I was jealous. Fuck you, I wanted Brandon way before Bobby came along, and now he's running off with him. Unless of course they were a couple already........NO! I won't believe that! Brandon would never go for Bobby Jinette. Am I crazy? Bobby's too....he's too....well, he's not ME! That much I know. I've gotta write him that email. I started composing it in my head this afternoon. We'll see how this plays out in the end.

And THEN, as if life didn't fucking suck enough...Simon tells me today that he doesn't know what he did wrong, but he doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. That's just how he put it. He thinks I hate him. I DON'T hate him! Jesus, does he think I'm some kind of evil snob with nothing better to do than put myself above everybody else's feelngs? Doesn't want to be my friend anymore? What the fuck does THAT mean? I guess I have been paying him a little less attention than usual. But it's not like I was purposely brushing him off! I wish HE could read this damn book and see all of the shit I've been dealing with every single day of my life since we last talked! With Joanna, and Sam, and my parents, and AJ, and Lee, and Brandon, and Bobby, and Missy's bowling party, and sex, and Jimmy, and school, and homework...FUCK....I didn't do it on fucking PURPOSE!!! Does he have any IDEA how much I do every damn day of my life? And he wants to suddenly show up and lay this big guilt trip on me for not stretching myself even further than I already am? That's SO not cool!

I didn't know what to say to that, so I figure...whatever. Let him go. Fuck him. He was always trying to find some oddball reason to not like me anyway. It's like he was constantly trying to be mad at me or something. Ever since that day at the house when I tried to do it with him, he's been pulling away from me. And he tells me that I'M the asshole? He doesn't want to spend time with me or anything...and I'M the asshole. Well...so long then. I will be just fine without him. I don't care. I really don't. We could have been fine if he'd just accept me for who I am.

Anyway, I'm done ranting right now. I just want to force myself to sleep and have this day be over. That's all. So I'm gonna end this riiiiiiight.....

HERE!

Later!

- Billy